I don't really know what I'm even doing here. I don't think I have depression. Tonight a physical health issue has gotten worse after months of improving and it hit me that everything I have strived to improve over the past 10 years has gotten me absolutely nowhere and has been completely pointless. I'm 30, I live alone in community housing, I clean schools at night, I have no kids or family. My mum died 7 years ago and my dad wants to spend all his time with his awful girlfriend. I'm poor with no good career prospects, I have a frustrating health issue and I see no point in trying to improve my life anymore. 10 years of failure is enough for me. What has hurt me so much tonight is that (Christian theme ahead) through all of these years I've tried to keep my spirits up by saying that at least I have God to love and talk to. Tonight I've realised I don't. I've been fooling myself, too afraid to admit I really do have nothing. God doesn't love me, he doesn't help, guide or encourage me. I don't feel his love or support. I doubt he even knows I exist. Maybe he doesn't exist himself. I've let go of the lie that was keeping me going. Now I see I have no real reason to live for any happiness. There is no point, there is no purpose, there is no reason. From now on I live only for the sake of the two cats beside me.