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Topic: Rejected again, feeling upset and lonely

  1. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    35 posts
    25 August 2021

    Hi all

    Some of you may have seen posts in another thread and I thought Id share whats been happening recent times

    I have been single for a very long time, in fact too long, up until say 2019 I refused to use dating sites. At the beginning of the year, I met someone online chatted every day and we went on a couple of dates. I thought everything was fine, after the second date this girl still kept in contact with me but I didnt hear from her for a few days then I found out that she deleted my contact on this dating app, indicating she wasnt interested in me without any reason. This made me feel upset and angry. I questioned myself why this happened, as it happened in 2019 quite a number of times

    Fast forward to later in the year, where I didnt really try and look for a date but then this girl messaged me on Tinder and we started chatting every day, really good conversations which gave me quite a bit of hope. Then I didnt hear from her for about a month but she later explained she needed some time off to herself. Once she was ok, we starting chatting again and the conversations between us were great. She was so nice, she made feel so good inside, I had so much hope. Despite being in lockdown I was feeling positive every day and I thought that maybe we could meet up eventually. We did a zoom chat recently but I felt so nervous that I couldnt say much, I did explain this to her and she said she was nervous too. We chatted after a couple of days but then I didnt hear from her again. I thought maybe something had happened to her or needed time out like before. But last night I checked my messages and they no longer exist, which means she has cut ties with me, just like what happened earlier in the year. Ghosted without saying goodbye and no reason why she left.

    This really upset me as I had feelings for this girl. I didnt sleep much last night and I dont think I'll get over this.

    It keeps happening every single time. All day today I felt depressed upset and angry. I am at the point where I should accept that I'll never meet the one and accept that I'll continue to have this miserable life, because no one would clearly be interested in me.

    I have no one else to talk to.

  2. james1
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    25 August 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hello Dwings,

    I haven't seen your other posts, but you've given us a good idea of how upset you are feeling right now.

    I am not entirely sure what to say because I've been in the same boat and, I don't remember anything that anybody said which really helped me very much. It's really tough when you feel like someone's rejected you and then it happens again, especially when you're putting a lot of effort and hope into these potential relationships. It can really feel quite pointless and defeating.

    You sound quite alone with these feelings and I'm glad you've reached out to us, because sometimes when we are hurt badly, it can help just to be around others, even if that's in a digital online way. So I guess I don't really have much advice other than to suggest that you keep engaging with others here, or with any friends or family you have as well. These hurt feelings will subside as they did last time, but in the meantime, I can absolutely understand how upset and miserable you are feeling right now.

    James

  3. Positive_vibes89
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    25 August 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Dwings, welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with us.

    I totally feel you!!! I too have had the exact same experiences that you are speaking about. I understand how you are feeling, its a real huge blow to your self esteem. It hurts alot, especially when you have become so very invested in a person. I too had tried many dating sites and tinder. Time after time, I kept meeting the same type of person the "Ghoster". It is so very hard to meet somone while we are experiencing on and off lockdowns.

    When it comes to dating, try to keep a open mind. In my experience I learned not to be too hopeful to avoid any dissapointment. Unfortunately you cannot force someone to like you back. One tip I have for you is to ensure any dating profile photos you post are actually you. I had experiences of being "cat fished" not fun. That is why I used to skype all my potential dates to ensure they were the real deal.

    As for Ghosting, there is not much we can do to avoid that. It appears to be the social norm when it comes to online dating. But dont worry, I believe there is always somone out there for everyone. Be open to receive love and be open to give love. That is what kept me going to find my now husband. We talked on tinder, he ghosted me funnily enough and then he saw me at the gym in person. If you can when lockdown ends and we start to have a little bit more normality, I suggest joining a gym or group activity could be a gym glass or any other interest that you might have. You will be able to meet people and form new relationships.

    I hope this helps you, please try not to beat yourself up. Dating is a hard and slow process, I would know because I was single for four yeard before I met my husband.

    If you need to talk, feel free to call the beyone blue phoneline.

    All the best,

    Tee

  4. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    35 posts
    25 August 2021 in reply to Positive_vibes89

    Thank you for sharing that story

    Its so hard because although its happened to me so many times with online dating, I liked her so much because we shared a lot of personal stuff and she complimented me nearly every day, I did the same, which made me so good inside. So I dont understand why after this whole time she's decided to disappear but I'm thinking she saw a different side of me after the zoom meeting. We heard and saw each other for the first time. I mean I couldve said more things but I so nervous, and she told me the same, but I dont know if that was true. I dont normally open up much in person because I get so nervous but I feel maybe the more we interacted this way I wouldve been more confident. Then again if she didnt feel interested, why still message me after a day? I always get these unanswered questions

    I felt this was my last chance, I use different dating sites in the hope of finding the right one but I hardly get any matches. She popped up and sent me a nice message, I felt so confident because she was nice to me. Now I dont think I'll ever find the right one.

    I'm glad it worked out for you in the end. Can I ask though after you were ghosted by him, what the first interaction was like? I havent exactly encounted a person after they had ghosted me. I wonder if I were to bump into this girl by accident, how would I react? Part of me might be angry but still have feelings for her who knows.

    I have been single for so long and have really tried to meet the one and just hasn't worked. Ive had people close to me try to give me confidence by telling stories of how people met online but that has done me no favours. Everyone I know has their life sorted, but I haven't. It upsets me.

    I didnt do online dating because I thought meeting in person would better but unfortunately that has failed. However getting rejected on the spot seems a lot better than a massive build up online before a rejection.

  5. Positive_vibes89
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    25 August 2021 in reply to Dwings

    I really do empathise with you, I cannot tell you how many times I cried from being hurt. You feel vulnerable because you opened yourself up completely to a person. You have been hurt, and that is okay. It is okay to feel these emotions and I am very pleased to see that you have taken advantage of this forum to vent how you feel. Please do not blame yourself as to why this young lady dissapeared. To be honest look at it this way, this behaviour reflects upon her personal character. If you had 5 dates, would she dissapear? Maybe. In every situation we must try and find one positive. A positive that you can take away is, she has wasted your valuable time and that she possibly could have led you on further. People like this do not deserve you. You are definately worthy of a young lady that will be kind and respectful towards you.

    How old are you if you dont mind me asking? Love can happen at any age, there is not set time. Being nervous is a very normal thing too, especially when meeting somebody new. Dating also takes alot of practice, from each date you learn something new. To answer your question, my now husband didnt have the guts to ask me out. Instead he got his friend to do it. Therefore he must have been very ashamed of his ghosting behaviour.

    Chin up, you shouldnt feel pressure in coparing yourself to your friends. Everyone is so very different. Comparing youself to others does make you feel down. Do your friends know any single ladies that they could introduce you to? or maybe their girlfriends? sometimes meeting somone through mutual friends is a excellent starting point too. One thing I do want to mention is that starting off as friends with a lady first is a good thing too, getting to know them as a friend. Its an excellent foundation to work on before a intemate relationship.

    Thanks again for replying to me. I will be here if you would like to discuss other things that are bothering you. I am pleased to lend you my listening ear.

    Tee

  6. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    35 posts
    25 August 2021 in reply to Positive_vibes89

    If I'm being honest the last time this happened, which I did mention at the start, I felt so negative and weak for a while maybe weeks or months, I didn't like the way I behaved and I'm worried this will happen again for a long time. I kept a lot of things to myself, I went out and got drunk, did so many things I wish I didnt do. I avoided invitations to things like gatherings because I would often feel left out being the only single person in the group. I was angry at little things that wouldnt normally upset me. Also each time there was a positive story from someone I knew I wouldnt react as excited as I used to be. Eg. someone getting married, or expecting another child. That used to make me feel good but then or possibly now I wouldnt feel anything.

    My behaviour was positive whilst talking to this girl recently. I asked everyone how they were at work, even though we're in lockdown, I concentrated on work more, I felt really good. I'm not sure how I feel if someone told me it would be her loss. Ive heard that plenty of times. I feel its my loss. She seemed so great. Now I dont know what to do.

    I want someone I can connect with so well, share similar interests, make each other laugh, give each other compliments, make each other feel good. That's what I thought I had with her and now its gone : (

    I'm 36 and have been single since my 20s. I'll admit after my last relationship I was so hurt I didnt bother looking for a while but then I realised I wanted to settle down. Unfortunately it hasnt happened.

    Some of my closest friends live interstate so its quite hard for them to set me up with someone. I dont have any friends here that would do the same. There are some people at my work that may be single, but I dont think they would take much interest in me.

    Thank you for understanding. That story sounds good about your husband. Do you think she may regret ghosting me? Who knows

    If I wasnt in lockdown this week, I may have thought about getting out of Sydney for a while if not for good.

  7. Positive_vibes89
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    25 August 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Seems like you have a bit of anxiety and depression surrounding this subject. Do you have a history of any of these diagnosed by a doctor? I understand why you would have gone out to get drunk, you were depressed. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Alot of people do this too when they are feeling sad. I dont know what other advice I can give you, its a really hard situation that you are experencing. I used to get very frustrated and angry too. I am in my 30s too. I thought that I would have has children and marridge in my early 20s. That never happened. Have you considered a relationship with somone a little older than yourself? I found that people our age are not mature enough or not looking for a relationship. Older people generally are wanting to settle down.

    I was thinking that you could have a little bit of situational depression from what I can tell, but I am not a dr so I cannot really diagnose. Oh gee wiz sydeney! Things are so intense in this world at the moment, I am in Victoria. These lockdowns are really doing my head in.

    Have you considered speaking to a professional about your experiences? there is a really good men's health line. Relationship advice for men www.mensline.org.au

    That is an excellent suppport service, just for you fellas!

  8. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    35 posts
    25 August 2021 in reply to Positive_vibes89

    Ive never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety from a doctor, or from what I can remember. I do remember seeing a doctor after my relationship broke down years ago and I had trouble sleeping. The advise was to take time out from everything stress related which included work and also recommended to take a trip away which I did and felt good. Perhaps I can take this on board although its quite hard during lockdown. I may need to see a GP if things dont improve.

    I dont think it really matters to me if she's older or younger than me, as long as we connect well. However the last few people I have dated in person have been older than me and it didnt work. Not that it will stop me from dating older women, say 1-3 years older. Besides I dont mention the age to someone I go on a date with, I know with online apps they tell you, but I think its too personal if you ask someone how old they are on a first date. Hmm I thought people my age were already settled and had kids, infact I know someone my age has a teenage kid.

    I'm sure you'll still get married and have kids. I wouldve thought Id have that already at my age. I'm nowhere near that.

    Yeah I actually went to that mensline when I felt down earlier in the year and to be honest, I dont think the person on the other line understood what I was going through. Yes they seem like a good service but over the phone just wasnt helpful.

  9. Positive_vibes89
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    25 August 2021 in reply to Dwings
    I think a good starting point could be to speak to your doctor and do a few checks to rule out anything. They could guide you in the direction of some relationship councillors or supports. Calling beyondblue is a good idea or lifeline to talk to somone too.
  10. Dwings
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    35 posts
    26 August 2021 in reply to Positive_vibes89

    Yes I would consider it thank you. When I found out she ghosted me I couldnt sleep and called up one of the services, I just didnt know who to talk to.

    Still not feeling great, little things keep reminding me of her and I cant get too motivated to do anything

  11. Positive_vibes89
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    27 August 2021 in reply to Dwings

    It will take some time for you to move on, it won't happen overnight. Spend some time giving yourself a bit of self care, a hot bath, play some video games, read a book. Do some activities that you enjoy. From my experience painting or drawing helps me to focus all my energy on that one thing. It blocks everything out. I used to also hit the gym hard, by the end id be so exhausted I didnt have the energy to be angry or sad. Exercise releases those feel good hormones endorphins. Also you can just binge on chocolate and ice cream that is okay too hits the spot.

    Let me know how you are going with everything.

  12. jtjt_4862
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    27 August 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hi Dwings,

    Sorry to hear about your dating experiences. Ghosting is something that I've encountered prior to my break up, and it was definitely not a great experience to be going through. If we feel insecure about ourselves, we will start spiraling out of control, thinking the person ghosting us is because of ourselves, and it becomes a debilitating act to our confidence and motivation.

    Whether it was from a committed relationship, or initial dating opportunity that had potential to blossom into a relationship, we still grieve the loss of connection with someone. Give yourself some time, and show yourself kindness and self-love. Take Positive_vibes89's advise and do things that makes you happy / comfortable / relaxed. When you start to feel better, focus on yourself more in making a better version of yourself everyday. It doesn't have to be perfect, and it doesn't need anyone else's approval. You have total control over how much you want to grow each day, and there's no minimum/maximum requirement to how much you have to grow everyday. Take things at your own pace.

    There can be a lot of reasons for someone ghosting you. One of the main reasons can be that they just don't appreciate your value at all. And with Covid restricting people from actually meeting up and doing things together, we're limited to only text/phone calls/videos chats to connect and communicate with each other. There's only a limited amount of ourselves that we can show to another person through these channels, and if the person can't pick up on your values through that, then that's their decision, and it is by no means a reflection of who you are as a person. You deserve a better person who can appreciate you for who you are.

    Take some time to show yourself some self-love and care, you are worth more than you think you are. Let the natural flow of time reveal to you the person who will truly appreciate you. Do your best to keep working on yourself. Your most valuable asset is you.

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Dwings
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    35 posts
    27 August 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Thank you jt for understanding.

    I tried not to think about but today didnt help. I dont know why but I couldnt concentrate at work, even when I listened to music, watched tv and walked during breaks.

    I know it wasn't a relationship but I felt something towards this girl and now its gone. All the effort and conversations I had were for what? I knew the zoom call was a bad idea. I feel like reaching out to her and asking what I did wrong and to give me a chance but I have little information about her.

    This has happened multiple times, I lost count, that Ive been ghosted after going on dates and having good conversations. I get no answers as to why they lose contact. Why not tell me on the date straight away? You hear about these dates where the person is honest and upfront, which I wouldve been ok with. I did the same , but not straight away. I didnt have a good date with this girl and she msg me two days later if she wanted to go out again and I was honest to her, telling her I wasnt interested in her, in a nice way.

    I have a passion for sport and music, but lately I cant get motivated much. Its tough in lockdown, my distractions from this would be going out after work hanging with friends. I miss those guys.

    I really wanted that special someone in my life but I have failed so many times, its obviously never going to work.

    In the past 18 months, I have rarely been happy, I look at where I live, my job and who I am, there's nothing to be happy about. I was only happy when it looked like my life was heading in the right direction. Last year was obviously tough during COVID, but I lost a few family members during this time, it was so sad. I was hoping this year would be better.

    If we werent in this lockdown period, I would simply pack my bags and get the hell out of Sydney, maybe for good. Ive had so much hurt here, I feel like there's nothing left for me here.

  14. jtjt_4862
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    30 August 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Heya Dwings,

    Sorry to hear you about your struggles again. It is still a lost of a friendship, which deserves some time to grief for. There's always grief whenever we lose something that meant a lot to us, so there's no shame in feeling that way about a lost friendship/relationship.

    What we feel towards someone, is a feeling that's only known to us and not to anyone else. It is possible that the girl just wasn't feeling it with you. The way they feel about you, doesn't reflect who you are as a person, and it's just their perspective of you without knowing the true you. If that's the case, uphold your value and treat it as her lost instead of yours because, there's always someone else out there who would value you more; For example, the girl who wanted to go out with you again, because she sees value in you, and wanted to know you more. But if she's not the person you want to continue dating with, then you're not obliged to spend time with her if you don't feel like it (You have your right to spend your time the way you want it).

    Sometimes, people don't give straight answers. They may feel embarrassed or shy, or they don't want to hurt you with their harsh critiques (even though, you may feel like you can handle critiques well). When that happens, we can only take what we get, and try and make out what the problem is. If you can't see any problems at all, then there's nothing wrong with you, it's just she's not into you (remember, a feeling towards a person, is only known to themselves, and not to anyone else. It cannot be controlled by others). I struggled with this as well when I went thru my break up; trying to understand why doesn't she want me, even though she pins the blame all on herself. But I learned that there were a lot of problems in our relationship, and it all comes from our issues with self-confidence and self- love. We weren't loving ourselves enough to bring out our best to the relationship. What intrigued me was, I learned it all without needing to ask her about it. Took a lot of self-reflection though... and I feel there's more to uncover

    Sorry to hear about the lost of your family members during Covid. This pandemic has certainly changed the way we live, and lockdown sucks... I hope things would change soon, so we can at least go out once more and socialize with just some minor restrictions and stuffs...

    Happy to listen to you more Dwings if you feel like talking more. Chatting about it helps, so I'd encourage it. You're doing great :).

  15. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    35 posts
    30 August 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    I wish I could say its her loss, and people have told me that before when Ive been in this situation plenty of times but I feel its my loss. All those conversations we had used to brighten my day. We were kind to each other, and she told me how nice and genuine I was. She obviously saw me as somebody else in the video chat but couldnt tell me straight away that she wasnt interested. Those compliments after the video chat, seem pointless. She stopped talking to me after a day, then the messages disappeared a week. I wish she had given me another chance. I really want to reach out to her again but I only know where she works, I dont have her email, ph or social media. She was the only one that talked to me online and gave me a chance, because I rarely get matches with these dating apps.

    I know people have told me its take time and I will get over this. To be honest when this happened earlier in the year, (sorry if I repeat myself) I felt down and depressed for a while until the recent girl started talking to me. The only way I could handle this was going out drinking, sometimes so late during a working week, I'm not proud of that but I didnt really care too much if I felt tired the next day.

    Now because we're in lockdown I cant do any of that. The last few days Ive been drinking quite a bit at home, not tonight, to try and ease the pain. I dont think any of it works. Today I still felt depressed, I keep thinking about her and I keep thinking what I shouldve done.

    I cannot love myself, and I cant remember the last time I did, except for maybe the time I was talking to her. Now I just feel worse. My life is pathetic. I dont like where I live, I dont like my job. I havent had a proper relationship for a while, other girls simply arent interested in me and I cannot blame them

    People say I'm a nice guy and I'll find someone, well where has that ever got me? Nothing. Mid 30s and still nothing has changed.

  16. jtjt_4862
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    1 September 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hi Dwings,

    When we first meet and date, it is common to put on our attractive side, in order to make a good impression on the person whom we're interacting with. It's also certainly off putting and disappointing when we're faced with rejection, especially when it's frequent. As you said, she saw you as somebody else during the video chat, and decided not to continue on with you for personal reasons. Her personal reasons are derived from her wants and needs from a potential partner.

    The reason why it becomes her loss is because, you were ready to give it your best to forming a relationship and making it work, but she didn't want to take that step or chance. Whether it's because she's not feeling it with you, or she's shy about it, we'll never know the reason. But we can only respect her decision, keep moving forward and keep improving ourselves. I can assure you, focusing on yourself first is the best kind of investment you can do for your life. And along the way, someone amazing will coming into your life, and they will see the value in you. When that happens, and the timing is right, you will both be ready to take that next chance of forming a relationship together.

    A healthy relationship can only be formed when both parties love themselves first. We have to learn to love ourselves, accept ourselves for who we are, and never stop growing. If we don't love ourselves, that's when insecurities and problems will appear in a relationship. For example: If I don't trust myself, how can I trust my partner? If I can't open and be vulnerable, how can I receive the love that my partner gives me, and vice versa? We want to give our best to our partners, and like wise we want our partners to give us their best. This is achieved thru loving yourself first. There's that quote "The worst thing in life is not losing the one we love, but losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much". Our identity/uniqueness is the most important to us.

    When people say you are nice, they mean it as a kind gesture. But the problems that we have within ourselves, are up to us to discover and fix, because we are responsible for our own wellbeing. If you feel "nothing has changed", that means you'll have to find what needs to be done in order to have change and growth. I would suggest reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glove, as it has helped me discover some of my core problems that needs fixing, and I hope it may help you too.

    Happy to chat with you more Dwings

    Jt

  17. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    35 posts
    1 September 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    I dont even know what is the right way when it comes to dating. Ive gone in with different approaches, dont over do it or be more open and interesting, no matter what I always end up failing. I could never get an answer or at least and honest, and these past 12 months if not longer, I have questioned myself plenty of times and now I just think it will never happen.

    Today was no different to yesterday, I woke up from maybe 2-3 hours sleep, did the same routine at work, went for a walk and clear my mind but still cannot stop thinking about this girl. Its hard to move on from someone I had a good connection with. If she wasnt ready or wasnt interested, then her words mean absolutely nothing. Its like Ive been lied to because she didnt know how to say she wasnt interested. Its the same thing over and over again. But I wish she could be a chance and I could tell her how much I like her. Its unfair if she judged me on my outside, I mean I didnt her judge at all.

    Ive tried to have good conversations with others on dating apps, but it hasnt worked, even a simple Hi or Hello they turn away, same thing in person. I'm clearly not good enough for anyone.

    As far as respecting the decision to ghost me, well I dont know how I feel about that. I'm a bit annoyed with some of the others that have done it me. There has been a few occasions however where they have told me the reason. It wasnt much to do with me it was just that they found a connection with somebody else. So instead of ghosting me they apologised, told me they were interested in someone else and wished me luck. Whilst I was a little hurt, as one I had a really good conversation for a month, I respected her so much for doing that. I wished her good luck and I hope she is doing really well.

    If I'm being honest I havent loved or respected myself for quite a while. Maybe a small period like recently when I felt wanted and liked by somebody which made me feel really good but when you've had so much bad luck in your life recently, treated with disrespect and people didnt care, how can I feel positive?

    Even the stuff I am so passionate for, sport, music, I dont feel as motivated as I used to be. I'm a massive NRL fan and love my team but lately I dont even know who is playing and I'm usually focused on that and mates would ask my advise on.

    Dont want to sound too negative but thats how I am feeling right now : (

  18. jtjt_4862
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    3 September 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hi Dwings,

    That sounds rough on you, sorry to hear you had a hard time sleeping and feeling low about yourself.

    It's certainly sincere of those who have rejected you by giving you a reason as to why they are doing so. When that happens, if the person decides to completely cut you off, it's still considered a loss, and something to grief about. Ghosting on the other hand, is mainly due to someone not ready to handle the emotional backlash of rejecting or causing hurt. It could be that they are emotionally immature or they rather focus their energy on someone else who they find more worthy of their time. I'm sorry to hear about your ghosting experiences giving you a terrible time with finding that special someone...

    On the topic of loving and respecting yourself, I can certainly understand how you feel about it. It's a really nice feeling to have when you're in love with that special someone. We're also vulnerable to good things. Vulnerable in a sense that, when something good happens to us, we want to cling onto it forever and never let it go, because we like the feeling of having something good. And when something bad happens, we dislike the feeling of "bad", and want to push away or reject it. This becomes an unhealthy habit, and can be detrimental to our relationship as insecurities will make us doubt our partners whenever they are not by our side. And our inability to handle the "bad" things, such as arguments or disputes, will cause us to avoid important matters that needs attention. I feel, the better way of living life, is to enjoy the good while it lasts, knowing that this feeling will come to an end so we may truly appreciate the moment. While embrace the bad and accept that the bad exists to help us understand ourselves and other people, so we may proceed forward with a change to better ourselves.

    I hope you don't mind me asking, as I'd like to get a better understanding of you. Do you feel your bad luck in life is mainly stemmed from your online dating experiences? And your feeling of being treated with disrespect or how people didn't care, comes from how some of your potential matches decide to ghost you, or kindly reject you because they found someone else that suit their needs? Or is there more to this feeling of unwanted-ness/abandonment?

    Jt

  19. backspin
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    3 posts
    3 September 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hi Dwings.

    Sorry to hear about your experience, i have recently started using online due to a relationship breakdown.

    I used on line dating about 10 years ago without success.

    I am finding it difficult now to make any contacts even after many weeks.

    From my point of view as a man looking for a women i have severe doubts about the credibility of these sights and my belief is they are in the main maybe not fair dinkum which may explain why you seem to be getting to a happy result only to be let down.

    I will not be renewing at the end of subscription.

    Maybe the ladies might tell us of their experience?

    I feel its a case of keeping an open mind and not expecting too much that way we are not let down.

    Good luck and hope you find happiness soon.

  20. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    35 posts
    5 September 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi jtjt_4862

    Thank you for understanding. Having these people reject me time after time has put me in a really dark place and my attitude towards life, not appreciating the important things. Its just hard to get motivated when everyone's life around me is much better than mine I'm just stuck at the same position. The only thing thats changing is my age, even if I try to change the way I live, look for that someone I love.

    I havent really told any of my friends or family about recent events, because I'll know I'll get the responses as before like "You'll be ok". "You'll find someone" or "I found my gf or wife on a dating app". Whilst I get theyre trying to cheer me up, it certainly doesnt help me. Even when I go on trips, they'll try and convince me that this "one" will be on that trip but that has obviously never happened. A friend of mine told me similar stuff earlier in the year. He got rejected a few years ago but hung in there and met his girlfriend. The difference was, he gets a lot of matches online and I dont.

    I guess maybe thats why I'm still thinking about this girl recently. She gave me a chance and was so nice. Made me feel so good inside with her kind words. I really miss chatting with her, and really want to reach to her and tell her how I still feel.

    This rejection probably adds to a number of things. Ive never been a confident sort of person. I'm always shy and hesistant thinking I may do the wrong thing and embarrass myself. If I did something, I would either get laughed at, turned away, or just didnt feel important in the group. Made me feel terrible.

    I always look back at 2009 when I went to UK and Europe. Everyday on that trip felt like the best day of my life. Nothing went wrong. I saw so many great sites, made so many friends, had a good time every night. I felt so confident every day and appreciated life. Its probably the last time I felt really happy. Not long after I was in a relationship that last 6 months, unfortunately that didnt end well.

    But I was very young then and wanted to enjoy single life for a little while. Then I realised I knew what I wanted. To settle down and meet someone. Unfortunately its so difficult, online or in person. The older I get, the more I realise that this will never happen : (

  21. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
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    jtjt_4862 avatar
    301 posts
    5 September 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hi backspin, Dwings,

    I agree very much with backspin's approach, to keep an open mind and not expecting too much. When we set expectations, we're also setting ourselves up for disappointment (which can also lead to self-doubt if we're feeling insecure about ourselves). I sometimes feel finding someone to be in a relationship with is hard enough, and finding that special someone whom you can be with requires some amount of luck. Though I believe any two couples can be together if they are willing to work on the relationship together, but there are also those who are just meant to be together. In any case, it is not something we can "force" ourselves, or other people into, and only time will tell who will be the one for us, or maybe our lives would change that we feel content to be living the single life forever.

    An interesting thought to consider as well. The kind of people using online dating apps, and what sort of personalities do they have. For example, if an app mainly attracts people who are very social/extroverted/out-going, but your ideal type of person is someone who's not too loud and chatty, and instead love to make deep connections and meaningful conversations, then it may be difficult for someone to match with you and vice versa for the people on the other end. But where do we find an online dating app that has a higher chance of meeting someone who we're looking for? I'm not sure... I feel this is why, there's some luck element into finding someone thru dating apps. When it comes to luck, like a lottery, there's that famous line "Gotta be in it to win it".

    I remember feeling the same way as you did about my friends and family. I didn't want to talk to most of them when I was going thru the first few months of my break up, mainly because those are the kind of responses I expect from them, and it is not something I wanted to hear at that time. But a friendly person in the BB Forums reminded me that they are saying it through the kindness of their hearts. They do not know exactly how you feel and what you want to hear, but through their compassion and kindness, those were the words they felt appropriate for you, and they want to give you some encouragement. The encouragement to not give up, and to keep trying. Even when you feel you're not getting any matches, you're still rolling the dice, and time will one day reveal what it is that you need in your life. Maybe it isn't someone, but something, or an event.

    Jt

  22. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    35 posts
    8 September 2021

    Sorry to hear about your relationship backspin.

    Yes its hard with online dating not get many matches and not knowing if the other person is actually interested in you.

    Ive always had these doubts because of previous experiences and not getting too confident. I had this thought for a little bit but then the conversations between me and this girl were so great, we shared so many stories and personal stuff online and made me believe this was a potential, it didnt matter what I said she was nice and seemed so interested in everything I did but now its completely gone because of me.

    Its hard to get over whats happened recently, people I have told, have been trying to give me a boost saying there is hope and that this lockdown might be over sooner than expected so I can get out there again and try and meet new people but I'll know I'll go back to the same miserable experience again. Go to work, do the same thing, go out after work, have some drinks.

    Ive gone through these big name dating apps that are rated so highly because other people have had good experiences but Ive had no luck at all with any of them.

    Talk about luck, I cant remember the last time I had good luck with anything.

    Seems I cant do anything right.

  23. Positive_vibes89
    Community Champion
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    Positive_vibes89  avatar
    62 posts
    10 September 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hi Dwings,

    I am just checking in to see how you are. From your most recent post it seem you are depressed and not doing to well in shaking those feelings that we had been previously talking about. I recommend you go speak to your doctor if possible, seems like you are not coping to well.

  24. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
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    jtjt_4862 avatar
    301 posts
    11 September 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hi Dwings,

    Grieving a loss (whether it's a friend, or a potential partner) will take time, so you're totally right that it's hard to get over what happened to you recently. I'm sorry to hear about how things didn't turn the way you expected it to be.

    There will be good days and bad days, that's how I perceive life to be. When the good days are here, no matter how small it is, even if it's just a simple delicious maccas meal, we can always learn to apppreciate it while it lasts. When the bad days come, we can learn from the experience, and remind ourselves that this is part of life and that it's okay to have bad days. The lessons learned from bad days, and the joys and happiness from the good days, are what keeps me going everyday. Not all feelings lasts forever, whether it's good or bad. If the feeling of goodness has extended it's stay, then we're allowed to continue enjoying it, and prepare ourselves for when to say goodbye to it. When the bad days extends it's stay, then we're probably not recognizing what it's trying to tell us, so that we can learn from it to grow ourselves.

    Perhaps life and time hasn't prepared you to meet your significant other, perhaps there are some questions and challenges within you that you need to seek out answers for first. Such as, learning to love yourself first, learning that being a little selfish for yourself is actually a good thing. Self-care is the most important, and would benefit you the most through out life.

    Jt

  25. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    35 posts
    14 September 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    I wish I could say I'm having a good day but lately its just been bad days and sometimes really bad days.

    Maybe the last good day was when someone told me how good I was and that made feel warm inside and alive. It helped me to concentrate more on work and other stuff like my interests, house work and how I can work on my finances.

    Now that she has gone and disappeared without a reason, I feel down a lot, cant sleep much, cant get motivated to do much, feel pointless to be happy. Why build yourself up for something when its just going to let you down again. Ive had so much bad luck and try to change things but it doesnt work. Perhaps theyre not interested in what I do, find me unattractive, feel like I havent got my life sorted, arent that intelligent know that I'm not going to be a good partner. Who knows? I never have found any answers as to why and I wish I knew. Again I still think about this girl.

    I dont completely open up in person in the first meeting. I feel shy, nervous, intimidated and unsure exactly what to say. A lot of times when I try to say stuff to people I got shut down or treated like a nobody or made fun of.

    Perhaps why I'm hesitant in seeing a doctor in person about recent issues.

    I made a list of things as to what could make me happy in life, the little things like sport, friends, family and lockdown finished but to be honest it hasnt changed much. I still feel the one thing that will make me happy is having that special someone.

    I'm worried once lockdown is over and pubs are open, that I will completely lose control of what I will do, like last year. Whilst it seemed fun just going out and hanging out with people, I'm at the age where I just want to relax at home. I dont like where I live and who I live with, I either want to live by myself or with that someone special.

    Maybe getting out of where I live is something I need to do. I dont know.

  26. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
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    jtjt_4862 avatar
    301 posts
    15 September 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Heya Dwings,

    Sorry to hear that you're feeling down. Your feelings for being down is valid, and I want to assure you that the feeling will pass after giving it some time.

    The feeling of being "worth" of something to someone can certainly feels good. It was something I thought to myself in the past. But this only sets us up to hurt and disappointment when we're no longer wanted by the other person for whatever reasons. It could also create a relationship where one partner is co-dependant towards the other, and can be taken advantage of. What we can do to better ourselves, is to seek our self-worth and give ourselves the self-love that we deserve; Know that our worth is what we deem ourselves as.

    When we start to seek our self-worth, it may feel like we're still not worthy at all. This is where self-love comes into play. We learn to love ourselves so that we know no matter the choices we make, and the consequences of each of them, we'll be able to learn and overcome them to keep improving ourselves. We celebrate the smallest goods in life, and learn to accept the toughest challenge whenever it arises. When the challenge gets tough, know that there is no shame in asking others for help.

    I'd highly recommend seeking out a therapist or counsellor to help work through the thoughts that you have. They'll be able to listen to you from a professional and non-judgemental point of view, and offer you some guidance/practices that can help you with your journey in life. You can seek your GP for a referral, and start from there.

    If it's okay for me to ask, what is it that you do not like about where you live, and who you live with at the moment?

    Jt

  27. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    35 posts
    15 September 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Perhaps I will need to have a look at options for seeking help through a GP or straight to a counsellor, I'll probably work something out.

    To me it seems to get worse each day. I woke up still thinking about her. Today it was more anger than upset. Every little thing that didnt upset made me feel quite angry. Its like why I am being treated this way, why are people rejecting without any sort of reason and why other people around me have a much better life than me. I feel I have made too many bad decisions. I get in life there is always going to be hurt, but I dont want to live like this when all I get is hurt from various people and very little love.

    As for where I live, I like in a close neighbourhood out west, at first it was quiet but seems to get more busier and noisy. And I live with my parents, or they live with me, I own a portion of the house. Look dont get me wrong, I love them to bits and nice to be cared for but to be honest I really want to live by myself, have my own space and be responsible for myself, like take care of things like cooking, cleaning, domestic stuff. I'm at the age where I should be more responsible for stuff and I would like to do that every day. I have learned a lot over the years and I feel I should be better by myself or with someone special. To me its embarrassing telling people where I live and who I live with now, I never used to be but I feel this is something thats holding me back and perhaps why other girls arent interested in me as they probably see me as someone who hasnt exactly grown up.

    The plan was that they move out once I have a girlfriend and we're both ready to move in but I'm nowhere near that and I dont think I'll ever get close to it.

  28. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
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    301 posts
    19 September 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hi Dwings,

    I'm glad you've considered seeking additional help through a GP and a counsellor. You're doing great buddy.

    I want to assure you that, your emotions of anger is valid; The anger that stems from being treated poorly and rejected by people without any sort of reasons. You deserve better. Relationships between other people certainly involves hurt and love. If we're giving one more than the other, then it becomes an imbalance relationship (too much hurt and we'll be subjected to abuse, too much love and we'll be subjected to manipulation). But that doesn't mean everyone who hurt you are bad people. We can look at things with kindness and compassion, to have our curious mind learn why they did that rather than lay judgement on their actions. It is the same for yourself; treat yourself with kindness and compassion. We're all imperfect human beings, and we're bound to make mistakes over time. It's okay to be making bad decisions, there are things to be learned from the outcome of our decisions, and they all benefit us to grow and keep moving forward.

    Being responsible to your well being, and to learn to live alone and be comfortable with it helps with discovering more about yourself, your true nature. Whether other girls sees you living with your parents as "hasn't exactly grown up", that's their opinion and they are entitled to it. Their opinion does not reflect who you are as a person. Perhaps some girls might see it as "Wow, this person is very caring towards his parents, and is willing to stay with them longer to take care of them". We all live in very unique circumstances/situations, and if the person does not want to know more about it and have concluded with their opinions, that's on them.

    Hope that helps Dwings, happy to chat with you more buddy :)

    Jt

  29. Positive_vibes89
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    Positive_vibes89  avatar
    62 posts
    19 September 2021 in reply to Dwings

    You need to work on yourself, sounds like you need to do some self development. Instead of looking at yourself negitively, have a think about what you can improve on. and what your best qualities are. You need to be kind to yourself. Have a look at what your strengths are and use those to your advantage in making some improvements towards your own mental health. In my experience, I had to work on my own personal issues to be a good partner. Underlying issues do affect relationships, sometimes potential partners can unconciously sense it. I was single for 4 years, indeed that was very frustrating, but I used that time to work on myself. I had some many dates come back and tell me why they did not like me. I took that into account. Each encounter with a person is a lesson that we all can learn from. Take one thing from this one and learn for the future. I worked on myself when I was single. I went to the gym and got fit. Got nre clothes and new hair cut. Made myself feel and look great. I went and made some new friends. One must not revolve their life around needing a partner.. You simply dont need a partner, you want a partner to share your life with. I realised that I did not need anyone and was happy doing as I pleased on my own. I met somone when I least expected it.

    Im glad you are seeking some professional help. You have deep feelings that you cannot shake, they are affecting you. I really do hope you get some support to help. All the best!

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    35 posts
    23 September 2021

    I have made enquiries about booking a GP and they advised me that they can set up a phone call appointment, possibly due to COVID lockdown. Whether that will help or not, I feel a little better knowing that it could be a small step in getting the help I need.

    It has not been an easy period lately, hard to get happy and motivated. Its been a horrible working week. I deal with a lot of people over the phone and they have venting their frustrating towards me, theyre not actually angry at me so all I can do is listen and try and understand what they are going through. Its sad whats happening in the world and people are getting so angry and puts me in a depressed mood. Its adds to whats happened in the past 2 months.

    I dont really tell people what I'm going through. One person I know quite well, realised I was too quiet and told me to be happy and forget about recent things. Whilst I can understand this person was trying to help, I felt there was an aggressive nature and the tone didnt help one bit infact I couldnt actually be open to this person. It felt like I was doing something wrong and that I wasnt allowed to be quiet. I felt intimidated.

    Also if I told this person about whats really happening, I feel I will get the same response as before "I told you so", or "You need to get off dating sites". I dont think that helps to be honest. Which is why I feel more comfortable on here and talking to you guys.

    I felt really down in May and rang up for support but felt a bit uncomfortable with the other persons tone as they were kind of brushing it off like a minor issue that I should be fine.

    I was about to get support from a GP until this girl on the dating app made me feel good and got me in a much better mood.

    But like a lot of things in my life, it was building up for something good and then its gone

    I wish I could feel happy without a partner, I used to feel happy and free that way when I was younger but I really want that partner.

    I havent used social media much as a lot of followers and friends post stuff about partners, engagement and baby announcements. That sort of stuff makes me sad and jealous. It never used but lately it has.

    Thanks for your understanding guys.

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