Ok, my first post
I know what’s ‘wrong’, I know my ‘story’, I know all the helping techniques and therapies and meds... I’ve tried them all... really committed to them... over 10 years
I can’t break free... from my own head, my own thoughts... it feels selfish and self-centred... so many people are so much worse off than me... yet I feel like there is no reason and nothing to my life...
even with four beautiful children... even with a good job... even with wanting, really wanting to get better
it’s a disease, it’s ingrained and hard wired from my childhood... I wasnt abused... I was abandoned... always wanting someone to love me... unhealthily clinging to anyone in adulthood... putting up with so much mistreatment only to feel loved... not loving myself
self love feels impossible to me, even self like
using alcohol and drugs to escape the pain... to feel ok, if only for a fleeting moment, before feeling a million times worse
im sober now, for quite some time... it feels worse
i feel so unloveable, so broken, so hopeless
i know everyone will say just hang on... do this... do that... put yourself out there, make friends, be mindful, try yoga, use SSRIs or SNRIs... it will get better... it takes months or years to rewire your brain...
ive done all that... it doesn’t
i don’t want sympathy, I don’t want someone to say I understand
i want to know something that works... something that cuts through this hurt... this deep searing, tormenting hurt