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Topic: So much therapy, so aware, still feel hopeless

10 posts, 0 answered
  1. Trebor77
    Trebor77 avatar
    3 posts
    27 June 2020

    Ok, my first post

    I know what’s ‘wrong’, I know my ‘story’, I know all the helping techniques and therapies and meds... I’ve tried them all... really committed to them... over 10 years

    I can’t break free... from my own head, my own thoughts... it feels selfish and self-centred... so many people are so much worse off than me... yet I feel like there is no reason and nothing to my life...

    even with four beautiful children... even with a good job... even with wanting, really wanting to get better

    it’s a disease, it’s ingrained and hard wired from my childhood... I wasnt abused... I was abandoned... always wanting someone to love me... unhealthily clinging to anyone in adulthood... putting up with so much mistreatment only to feel loved... not loving myself

    self love feels impossible to me, even self like

    using alcohol and drugs to escape the pain... to feel ok, if only for a fleeting moment, before feeling a million times worse

    im sober now, for quite some time... it feels worse

    i feel so unloveable, so broken, so hopeless

    i know everyone will say just hang on... do this... do that... put yourself out there, make friends, be mindful, try yoga, use SSRIs or SNRIs... it will get better... it takes months or years to rewire your brain...

    ive done all that... it doesn’t

    i don’t want sympathy, I don’t want someone to say I understand

    i want to know something that works... something that cuts through this hurt... this deep searing, tormenting hurt

  2. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    10707 posts
    27 June 2020 in reply to Trebor77

    Hi Trebor77

    We do our best to offer heartfelt support from our own mental health experiences

    Understanding..yes! I understand what you are going through as I had the same set of symptoms as yourself for a couple of decades and its a dark place to be in Trebor. I hear you...loud and clear

    As per your thread topic Trebor77...Can I ask about all the therapy you have had....as in how often?

    No one is going to tell you to do anything...thats up to you. I do know something that works though

    Do you experience any anxiety or mainly depression and intrusive thoughts?.....Just asking so we can provide you with better support...if thats okay?

    You are proactive with your health by having the courage to post...Its a sign of inner strength

    any questions are always welcome too!

    my kind thoughts


    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3378 posts
    27 June 2020 in reply to Trebor77
    Hi Trebor77,

    Welcome to our friendly online community. We are so thankful that you have reached out here tonight as we know it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We're really sorry to hear that you've had such a tough journey, and we can hear how much pain you're in right now. But please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental place, and our supportive community are here to offer you as much advice and conversation as you need. We're also currently getting in touch with you through email to check in with you.

    We're sorry to hear that you still feel unable to break free from these thoughts, even with the years you've committed to different therapies and medications. We think it's really strong of you and so important that you have been so proactive in recognising you need some help and seeking it. We would really urge you to keep reaching out, like anything in life, practitioners and counsellors with different skill sets, and even different personalities, will meet your needs and expectations in different ways. Please know that our Beyond Blue Support Service is available to you 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you, and offer supports to help you through this.

    In addition to this, the lovely counsellors at Lifeline and Suicide Call Back Service are available to you 24/7 during your most difficult moments.
    •  Lifeline - 13 11 14  (online chat available 7pm-12am) 
    •  Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467 (online chat available 24/7)

    However, if you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should call 000 (triple zero).

    Many of our members will be able to relate to what you're going through and may be able to help. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you. You're not alone here.

  4. Trebor77
    Trebor77 avatar
    3 posts
    28 June 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thank you, I replied to your email

    I’m safe... I’ve made it this far... and want to keep going... that’s why I thought I’d try posting... to get someone else’s perspective.

  5. Trebor77
    Trebor77 avatar
    3 posts
    28 June 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Thanks Paul, I’m sorry to hear you felt similar for over two decades... I truly feel for you, but it somehow comforts me...

    My main symptoms are Infrequent anxiety, mainly depressive, helpless and self loathing thoughts... bouts of being proactive and trying to ‘help myself’, but for the past few weeks feeling zero motivation or hope...

    Im not in danger to myself, I could never do that to my family... but it all just seems so very hard...

    Ive done so much psychotherapy, understanding my history and how it has affected my thought processes... a lot of CBT... and mindfulness approaches

    ive been on many different antidepressants

    my post is really about nothing ever really seeming to click

    Thank you so much for reaching out... it in itself has made me feel a little better tonight

    1 person found this helpful
  6. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    10707 posts
    28 June 2020 in reply to Trebor77

    Hi Trebor

    no worries at all and thankyou so much for understanding too

    feeling 'helpless...self loathing....zero motivation...depressed and occasional anxiety is common yet awful to go through..

    Just sharing with you...I have been on low dose SSRI's since 1996. Night sweats...anxiety in traffic....ugh!

    Having a 'talk' on here is a huge bonus...I didnt have the guts like you have by posting...It took me 2 months to get the strength to post about this crappy set of symptoms....I still have sporadic low self worth from being belted when I was little....These are painful scars to have...even though they are in the past they can still hurt

    I screwed up by thinking I could self heal...(in the 1980's)...It didnt work..my anxiety only exacerbated...as I was a dill and didnt understand that frequent counselling was a huge help..whoops

    anyhow...I joined the forums in 2016 with heavy depression and I never thought I would end up as a volunteer

    its really good to meet you Trebor....I admire your strength and proactive attitude...Good1

    your input is just as valued as mine or anyone elses on the forums

    respectfully yours....Paul

  7. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1392 posts
    28 June 2020 in reply to Trebor77

    Hi Trebor77

    I feel for you so much as you work through the incredible challenge of discovering self love.

    Personally, it's taken me about 50 years to finally come to love myself. Believe it or not, I finally worked it out only a couple of weeks ago. While I was raised within a family of wonderful and basically thoughtful and loving people, I was never raised to know what self love is. In an 18 year marriage where my husband still basically tells me how much he loves me, I still wasn't able to find self love, until now. I figure, how could I know what love is when no one has been able to show me the kind of love I truly needed, to experience fully coming to life.

    I have spent most of my life searching for a love that is beyond basic. To tell you the truth, basic just doesn't do it for me. I discovered I need to be actively loved to life. Despite what anyone says, I believe love is conditional. It thrives under certain conditions, just as it withers under certain conditions. For me, my kids have loved me to life. They have challenged me greatly over the years (my son's 14 and my daughter's 17). Whether it was the intense challenge of staying alive for my kids toward the end of my 15 year battle with depression or whether it was my son, not too long ago, challenging me to come paddle with him on a lake in a kayak (I have a fear of water), I look back on every challenge I have risen to for them and can say I love myself for having accepted all of those challenges. I love myself because of the way I have actively loved them to life. I found love through my kids and through the challenges that have come to redefine me.

    So, I suppose you could ask yourself 'Did I love myself enough to actively speak up in relationships where mistreatment was part of the terms and conditions? Did I love myself enough to actively accept the painful challenge of leaving those relationship? Do I love myself enough to keep searching for a satisfying fulfilling form of love?' It sounds like the answer to all 3 questions could be 'Yes'. Sounds strange but we can be loving our self without even realising until we come to see all the hundreds or even thousands of challenges we have risen through. When you see this, when you see how amazing you have been (especially based on how soul destroying some of those challenges were), when you can say, 'I had no idea how truly incredible I have been', it's in this moment where you find true self love and self respect.


  8. romantic_thi3f
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    romantic_thi3f avatar
    2715 posts
    29 June 2020 in reply to Trebor77

    Hi Trebor77,

    Yes, I understand.

    I was in therapy for years and practicing CBT and mindfulness. Sometimes it felt like it helped me a little bit, and other times (most of the time!) it felt like I was really just hashing up really painful memories.

    What was it like hearing and learning that the way that you feel now is connected to the way you experienced being a child?

    With CBT, a big part of that therapy is changing the way that we think. But when our core beliefs are about being unlovable and broken - I found the idea of "I'm a loveable person" to be so foreign to me; as if I could hear it but I didn't really internalise it the way that I needed to.

    Mindfulness is also a technique that helps me today, but in terms of my trauma - nope. How can I be mindful when my brain feels so messy and giving me all of these painful messages?

    For me, it only changed when I ended up doing EMDR. But everyone's different I suppose in finding what really truly works for them and what they actually 'need' out of therapy. I really just wanted to share some of my own experiences because it sounds like you were really looking for someone who gets it.


  9. Unit1
    Unit1 avatar
    6 posts
    3 July 2020 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Hi Trebor77

    As I read it, I think your posts really are about how you have tried lots of therapy but it just doesn't seem to work for you despite the knowledge and insights it has given you. I have had much the same experience with at least 15 years of therapy, medications, biofeedback etc.. In the end I think for many of us our problems lie very deep within who we are and the various current methods and theories of treatment sadly only feel like they work at a pretty superficial level. After a while someone says you have "Treatment Resistant Depression" which sounds like a bit of a cop-out to me. Better the health professional acknowledges the limitations of what they can do. I think one of the problems is that there is so much push and awareness raising of mental health and the call "to seek help" is shouted loudly and as great as this is, unfortunately it can create false hopes that you can just do this and it will fix all your problems. I have noticed over the years that the message has been tamed down a bit and now tends to talk about "managing" depression or even just "understanding" it which I think shows that it is becoming more clear what the limitations of the current mental health treatments are and so expectations are being managed now. I believe seeking help is definitely still a good thing to do - so long as one understands that this is still a new an emerging area of health care compared to other fields. I can't help thinking that aside from clear cut biologically based mental health disease, the answers to many people's mental health lies completely outside of purely individual and introspective "Treatment" and more about changing how families and communities operate as a whole which is not an easy thing to fix. I know that sounds a bit Zen but I think this more sort of holistic approach is needed for many of us if it were at all possible. I know I have personally lost a lot of faith in mental health treatments as I too wanted something concrete to work with to improve my life and the failure of this to happen has only damaged my state of mind further. You are fortunate to have a family you love and can at least make that the centre of your life even if other things fail to give you much comfort right now. Many of us have much less than that to hold onto. I guess my inexpert advice would be to think as inventively as you can and try your own ideas and not expect the experts to have all the answers. You have plenty to live for.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. golden82
    golden82 avatar
    140 posts
    3 July 2020 in reply to Unit1

    Hi Unit1 and all,

    Unit1 ... i agree so much with all you say. So much having walked in those shoes for so many years trying to seek help and support. To the gp, referrals, so-called mental health professionals. Helplines etc. Whatever was suggested i tried. Sick and tired of it all. The same cookie cutting formula of surface level words and advice. I could conduct the session or phone call as they almost all follow the script. And whilst i am grateful these services and therapists exist.. i feel that when it is true deep trauma needing to unpack that then the words just don't cut it. I suffer from this and have been screaming out for a trauma therapist for 18 months now.. nothing. I have a pyschologist who is all fluff and way out of her depth. But i settle for it as nothing else and quite frankly no energy to go through it all again and again. But looking back after 4yrs she should have done the right thing by me and known she was no help. I agree it is environment, connection, belonging. Whether from family or friends or whatever for each individual. When none of that is in your circle no amount of apts gives that. All i get told is i am so resilient and have hope. But wonder what the point of resilince is when hope is just delayed disappoinment.

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