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Topic: Still grieving six years later?

  1. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    21 May 2022

    Hello all, I hope you are doing okay. Right.. here we go.

    In roughly 2011 I resigned (technically quit) my job of almost 10 years and I was living with my parents. During this time my mother got diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and later, a blood disease. My father who owned his own business found it helpful that I was there with her during the day while he was at work as she declined rather quickly. Before I could decide what to do about getting another job, my father got diagnosed with cancer. I became an at-home carer for the next six years until they passed away a month from each other six years ago.

    I have a sibling who has lived overseas for many years now and who was not there for 99% of that time that I was there helping them and trying to find a way to stay in control of my own life as depression was already starting to become a part of my life. My sibling came down at the tail end (just after our mother passed away) and as my father was in his last weeks. We hadn't gotten to process my mother's passing by the time we were told by the doctors that my father was in his last days. So when my father passed away I felt completely lost at the time and although my sibling had a life to get back to, I had nothing. I had no choice but to let the feelings wash over me and to face it all head-on which led me to eventually see my GP where I did an assessment and she said it seemed like generalised anxiety disorder and depression. I didn't have the money for therapy so we did the ten free government sessions. I did two of those which weren't all that helpful being that they are too short to even begin to benefit from the therapy. I ended up doing a third session after realising I wasn't getting better and I went straight to my GP to discuss it.

    It's been six years and it feels like everybody wants me to be healed and fully moved on with my life but it's not that easy. I have tried to do a lot of inner work on myself but people seem to be more interested in the material things like why I still don't have a job (I have an income that allows me to pay rent and food) but people don't understand how hard this has been for me including my sibling who has in all honesty, been rather detached from the whole situation being in another country. I feel pressure to be better than I am but the truth is I am still depressed and I have good days and bad days. I'm tired of putting the happy face on when sometimes I don't feel that happy.

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9781 posts
    21 May 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    Hi, welcome

    "I am not in this world to live up to others expectations " a well known quote.

    I have some important comments to make on this topic-

    • Grief is personal and unique to the individual in length to overcome and intensity
    • Comments from others in terms of their expectations that you should be working is Intrusive and rude. Their is sometimes a reason for such comments- like, if you're the type that shares a lot of information about your life they can feel free or obliged to influence you. If so, reduce mentioning the subject. Working part time could improve your quality of life however, in terms of distraction from personal challenges and self esteem
    • Both parents passing within a short time (after nursing them so long) likely compounded your grief
    • Try to surround yourself with empathetic people. If relatives aren't caring or understanding then drift somewhat
    • Google- beyondblue topic fortress of survival. Beyondblue topic distraction and variety. Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

    I hope that helps. Repost anytime

    TonyWK

  3. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    14722 posts
    21 May 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    Child@heart

    Thanks for your honest and moving post.
    white knight has given very helpful suggestions.
    I am so sorry for your losses.

    Grief has no use by date.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    6286 posts
    21 May 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    hello and welcome.

    while I don't have direct experience of what you are going through, I had many chats with some who lived near me. He looked after his own parents for 15+ years. In that time I would say that former connections were lost among other things. After both of his parents died, it seemed he was lost - the people he looked after were gone and a great hole in his life. Going back to the work is not an easy decision and that does not take into account the grief process. Going back to work may not fill in that hole either. I think in a similar way to you, his brother while geographically close appeared close was emotionally distant, or at least had that appearance.

    In my own story, possibility exists in reaching out to old contacts.

    I will say to you that you have been very kind in looking after your parents, perhaps putting your own the goasl and dreams aside to do this. The pain that you feel is real, and moving forward is possible. How long that takes I cannot answer. You might able to find a local grief support group?

    For some whose parents have died, think if them in the present - their presence is still in the hearts and thoughts.

    Some like to do something in memory of their parents - a letter, growing something, doing a walk they used to do.

    A friend whose husband died a long time ago says she still has low days.

    Sometimes getting through the day is enough.

    If you want to chat more about this here... You story is worth telling and I am listening to you.

  5. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    21 May 2022 in reply to white knight
    Thank you for the support and the information. You are right about not letting others have control and it's hard to explain but I went through a lot of other difficult things before my parents got sick and I guess I have spent most of my life feeling like I'm a huge disappointment. I guess that's why I try to people please and heal in the way people want me to or try to at least act like I'm respecting their thoughts and wishes even though they have no idea how it feels to be me.
    1 person found this helpful
  6. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    21 May 2022 in reply to quirkywords
    Thank you for your kind words. I like that - grief has no use-by date.
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    21 May 2022 in reply to smallwolf

    Thank you for taking the time to read my story and not just read but listen.

    I can't even imagine what it must be like to have been going through that for over 15 years. Six felt like a lifetime to me. You're words let me know that I'm not alone in this situation so thank you.

    Sadly my story doesn't just begin and end with my parents. I was heavily bullied at school not just by my peers but by the teachers as well. Constantly telling me that I was never going to be good enough for anything. You're all so kind here, back in my school days when I reached out on a self-help forum they told me I should.. well in order to not say their exact words.. "not be here" anymore.

    After school, I was further bullied believe it or not at training school for something at the time I felt was my life's passion causing me to leave and feel like that failure I was told I was. Fast-forwarding to getting my first job where I was let go on weeks in because it was a family run business and they had a family member who decided they wanted their old job back and I got kicked to the curb to where I had to then tell my parents that I just got fired from my first job following the disappointment of the training school. I finally got a job in the same industry but a different position and was told by my boss on the very first day that she didn't like me and made my days thereafter a living hell. Fast forward to three bosses later and having them throw good feedback letters I was getting from clients in the bin only to bring me into the office every day to tell me that I was doing a bad job. Embarrassingly I also had an old teacher from my school days (high school), come into my place of work, see me running the show and leading my team and then in front of my staff and my boss said "wow I can't believe you got a job and made something of yourself the teachers back at the school will never believe it." I even got demoted for something I didn't do and had to earn my old position back. I eventually quit wanting to move on to something better and that's when my parents got sick and it all kept going downhill.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    6838 posts
    21 May 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    Dear Child@Heart
     


    Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community.
     


    We’d like to acknowledge the strength it took to reach out and share what is happening for you. We can hear that you’re going through a really difficult time, and we want you to know that we’re here for you.
     


    We’re sorry to hear of the loss of your parents, and it’s completely understandable that you’re struggling to come to terms with all that has happened.
     


    It’s important to give yourself time and permission to grieve, and to do so at your own pace. It’s also really important to acknowledge the loving and supportive son you were for your parents. Being there in their time of need would have provided immense comfort for them both.
     


    It can make a real difference having someone to talk to, so we’d like to invite you to call our wonderful counsellors on 1300 22 4636, or jump onto a webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/  Our counsellors are available 24/7 to provide care and support.
     


    Our friends at Griefline offer counselling to help you cope with your loss. You can contact them on 1300 845 745 between 6am to 12am.
     


    Thank you again for being part of this very supportive community.  
     


    Warm regards
     
    Sophie M
     
     
  9. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    21 May 2022 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thank you, Sophie, I made a comment previous about how kind and welcoming everybody is here.

    Thank you for the information and your support. It really does mean a lot.

  10. HamSolo01
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    HamSolo01 avatar
    926 posts
    22 May 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    hi Child@Heart

    I just wanted to say that reading this line "It's been six years and it feels like everybody wants me to be healed and fully moved on with my life but it's not that easy. "
    This was something I could resonate with. Quite a lot. I have felt that everybody wants me to be healed. That I must be moved on with my life. And yes - it's not that easy is it?

    "I have tried to do a lot of inner work on myself but people seem to be more interested in the material things like why I still don't have a job"
    Again this is a theme in my own world atm. I am 28 and have felt the pressure of modern hustle culture pushing me about.

    There is tragedy in my world - both my own and also those close to me. My sister nearly died many years ago when she was 9 and has since had all sorts of health issues that keep piling on. I read a quote recently - "There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in…"

    Maybe in my experience this moment came and hit me at 16. I guess what I'm saying is that I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of tragedy.

    I sense a great sense of strength in you Child@Heart

    TAke care of you and see you around

  11. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    22 May 2022 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi there HamSolo01,

    Thank you for your words and for letting me know as the others here, that I am not alone.

    I am so sorry for the things you have been going through, and for what has happened with your sister. I would literally offer a hug if I could. I certainly hope that there are better days ahead for you and for your sister.

    My username is Child At Heart because I have a huge passion for music and I know everybody knows mmmbop from Hanson. I was obsessed with them as a kid, but actually, that love hasn't stopped they have been growing so much as a band both musically and lyrically and I wanted to share something from one of their new songs Child At Heart because it offers me some comfort and perhaps it will you too.

    "You can just breathe, you are no mistake. Though you're feeling strange, just give your heart away like you're not afraid to face another day. Though you're feeling far, you can chase a star like a child at heart."

    Thank you for your words on my strength although I struggle to see that in myself. Just when I feel like I have achieved something or even just the realisation that somehow yes I'm still here.. there are always others with their words like "why aren't you doing this", "why haven't you done that" and then I feel small again and unimportant and weak..not strong just weak.

    I like to make people happy. I always have ever since I was little, I like to put a smile on people's faces to see them laugh or just have somebody feel love. Genuine love. Yet it seems like all I seem to receive is less than and people will take and take and they don't realise how much they keep stripping away from me. I would like to help people who are struggling and I realise I can't fully do that until I'm in a better place but I still try because I know what it's like. But then I offer words of wisdom, I give the comfort and then they go away having gotten what they came for and then I'm left with the darkness again and the solitude.

    I like to write lyrics and this is from one of my songs

    "She walks alone in a world she's been slowly rejecting. Burnt too many times, it's a cold heart she's now protecting. Stones they never hurt, but their words have bruised her mind. Searching for a pulse, the one thing that she cant find. Chorus.. there's nothing left, she says there's nothing left. There used to be something, but now there's nothing left."

    It feels like that sometimes. Anyway I hope you find your happiness and I hope one day I do too.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9781 posts
    22 May 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    Hi again,

    I'm loving this chat here. This forum is ideal for you actually. So much information here. I see you like writing. We have a poetry corner and it has many poems on mental health, short lines that make sense like Quirky's line "grief has no use-by date" that resonates and makes a difference to our thinking.

    I'd like to echo smallwolf's words that you are a kind hearted person that cared for your parents. Such an example of humility.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/humility-and-the-good-samaritan-

    The bullying side of people that you experienced in school by students and teachers, many of us have gone through that. I'd like to say however- it is usually the sensitive types that suffer the effects of that. Many bullied people can brush it off and move forward. But you suffer further and deeper. Also being a people pleaser does attract the controlling side to others.

    In my experience trying to change doesnt work. In fact I'd argue that by changing into a harder person loses some of your personality and why do that? I say that because it is the perpetrators that should change!! Your kind heart is your greatest asset, its the beauty in you, the "wonder". It's also your nature and you cant change that.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/accepting-yourself-the-frog-and-the-scorpion

    Regards TonyWK

  13. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    22 May 2022 in reply to white knight

    "I'm loving this chat here. This forum is ideal for you actually. So much
    information here. I see you like writing. We have a poetry corner and
    it has many poems on mental health, short lines that make sense like
    Quirky's line "grief has no use-by date" that resonates and makes a
    difference to our thinking."

    I love writing, actually. I have written a few lyrics and I have written a children's book but I'm not in the position to get it published at this time sadly. I will have a look at the poetry corner thank you for telling me about it.

    "The bullying side of people that you experienced in school by students
    and teachers, many of us have gone through that. I'd like to say
    however- it is usually the sensitive types that suffer the effects of
    that. Many bullied people can brush it off and move forward. But you
    suffer further and deeper. Also being a people pleaser does attract the
    controlling side to others."

    Yes, unfortunately, this I understand. Many have told me to toughen up but I simply can't it's all a part of who I am. I wish sensitivity wasn't seen in such a bad light and posed as more of a weakness than anything else.

    "In my experience trying to change doesnt work. In fact I'd argue that by
    changing into a harder person loses some of your personality and why do
    that? I say that because it is the perpetrators that should change!!
    Your kind heart is your greatest asset, its the beauty in you, the
    "wonder". It's also your nature and you cant change that."

    You know my my brother sent me to a life coach thinking that would help me "get back into the world" but it was just all about choosing a career path and things like that when there's much more to life. I actually remember saying to her in her office "why is it always about what you do and why is it never more about who you are?". It's like when you go to social gatherings and you meet new people and the first thing they say is so where do you work? what do you do? Some people are lucky to be living the dream and have a job that is their life passion but not everybody's job can be as relatable to themselves as a person or defines them. So I always wish that just once somebody would ask me who I am and not what I do.

  14. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9781 posts
    22 May 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    Re: "So I always wish that just once somebody would ask me who I am and not what I do."

    Unfortunately that's not how people commonly behave. I do understand though but, if someone asked me "who are you, who is Tony the person"? I could take it as too Intrusive too fast.

    Life with humans include- toleration, awareness of manipulation, scheming, their addictions, anger, unreasonableness etc. These negatives in people are hard to swallow but I put to you one fact-

    "Far easier to learn to accept others as different than to constantly wish they'd be who we'd prefer them to be."

    In terms of people we find intolerable'

    "Far easier to avoid..even discard, than risk our mental health on anyone that categorises us in any way that devalues us"

    My theory on employment

    "The most important job in a hospital is the cleaner. Likely the lowest paid they prevent germs, vital in such locations."

    TonyWK

  15. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    22 May 2022 in reply to white knight

    Thank you once again for your interesting insight. I see where you are coming from about who are you and seeming intrusive but I wasn't necessarily meaning somebody literally getting straight to the point like you put it but rather in the sense that there's a want to get to know me beyond a generic question like what do you do for work? Maybe that's just me lol.

    Also, you have the same name as my dad. :)

    1 person found this helpful
  16. HamSolo01
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    HamSolo01 avatar
    926 posts
    23 May 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    That truly is a great song Child@Heart

    I love the lyrics. But I love the slow tempo and tone. Gives me a sense of reassurance.

    Much needed I must say. Gonna add that to my spotify playlist.

    Your post has garnered a lot of empathy from me today actually Child@Heart - "But then I offer words of wisdom, I give the comfort and then they go away having gotten what they came for and then I'm left with the darkness again and the solitude." This is something I can totally relate to.

    I have found however that the darkness and the solitude was once frightening but is now solace. It is akin to peace and tranquility. No noise. No mental stimulation. Just quiet and peace. I guess over time I have gotten used to that? But in that period of time I learned how to relate to people better. Ironic isn't it? By spending time in the wilderness (not literally) of course.

    on the past weekend I was working at a polling place for the AEC> This was the first time I was in any form of paid work for about 3 months. Yes it was only 1 day, but I had some very interesting chats with people. One person was 23 and studied physics. Straight away we were talking about how there was a paradigm shift in the world we inhabit. Most people are at this odd stage which shouldn't really be odd per se, but it is odd in a sense that we as a society have grown used to this functional shell model of existence. I spoke to one lady who told me her relative's daughter took her own life not too long ago and had bipolar. We were talking about mental health a lot and how she had quit a job very recently (as did the 23 year old guy from earlier). She was about 50 something she said. Still another lady was a full time carer for a cancer patient and we were talking about the nature of our politics and society. And yet someone else also felt the same about worked and had left.

    I guess my point in telling you this story is that I feel that many are of the same view and experience as we are. People are tired. People are sad. There's so much happening. IT's too much.

    I guess this sense of balanced optimism for the future is something I've only come to be familiar with.

    Your lyric here too "Stones they never hurt, but their words have bruised her mind" I believe in the end that bruises always make that part of our body stronger. Once it heals.

    I recommend the song Heal by Tom Odell

    Much healing to you my friend and i look forward to speaking with you again soon :)

    hey also White Knight

  17. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    24 May 2022 in reply to HamSolo01

    I'm glad You liked the song HamSolo! I will make sure to take a look at the Tom Odell song as well so thank you. :)

    The stories you shared touched my heart with sadness. You're right, we're not the only ones and there are many who suffer and suffer in silence. Especially over the last couple of years with Covid in the mix. I can't even imagine how Covid would have affected those caring for others at home as I did.

    "Your lyric here too "Stones they never hurt, but their words have bruised her mind" I believe in the end that bruises always make that part of our body stronger. Once it heals."

    I agree to a degree, but everybody has different pain thresholds and ways of coping and for some, the pain ends up being too great and they simply can't cope. I don't necessarily think everything we go through makes us stronger (especially me being the empath I am with my super sensitivity) I think some things just make us.. well, hurt and bruised and maybe those wounds depside seeming healed or less prominent to outsiders, are still fresh and still painful. Sorry, I know that's a bit morbid and to the positive way of looking at it but that's just the truth I feel. Some things have made me stronger while others still cause me great pain and have only served to make me feel worse.

  18. HamSolo01
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    926 posts
    24 May 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    Hey Friend

    Today i had a feedback from one of my most recent interviews. I didn't get the job but the feedback was helpful.

    I then had a summary interview from another role I applied to. I came out of that role feeling really overwhelmed. I felt like I was weak. Like I was pathetic. But I am slowly beginning to realise that most of this is self generated. I need to go deeper into that idea. That it is self generated. Internal.

    I am going to ring a helpline and chat to them. I am not in good headspace today. But I guess I had a healthy lunch (pork leftover, salmon from a tin, yoghurt and some almonds). I had a crappy breakfast.

    I went to the gp this morning and told him what was going on atm. I think he now understands my history. ITs a medical centre so i just see who is available. I don't mind telling my story to people over and over again.

    What you said about hurting. Yeah I do get that. I guess it would depend on the experience hey? Sometimes I think I am invincible to being hurt but there are things that did hurt. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism on my part?

    Speaking of songs - right now I have "on the nature of daylight" playing in the background. It's a song I always come back to. Whether I'm sad, happy or pensive I always find it hits the right chord in me. It strikes me where I need it most in that moment.

  19. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    24 May 2022 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi, back new friend! :)

    I'm sorry about your interview experiences but I'm glad that you got some feedback as it's always helpful. Unfortunately, I can't relate to what happens in interviews now as my last one was when I was 18 (I'm 36 now). The job I worked at for almost ten years I started when I was 18 then six years being a carer and the rest well... trying to do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. For others, it's moving on with my life and well I guess for me more so healing still and grieving (don't think that ever goes away though). When my parents passed my brother wanted me to get a job immediately but I was too scared to do it. I hadn't been to an interview like I said since I was 18 and then hadn't worked in six at the time. He ended up sending me to a resume writer (in all honesty I liked my resume how it was lol) but she made me freak out about getting a job completely. She asked me what I had done at my job and when I told her things like doing important charity balls, black-tie gala dinners, looking after the Japanese ambassador, even personal assistant for a day to a band I used to love as a kid. Once she heard all that she made my resume sound like I was the bees knees and that scared me because I wasn't ready. There was no way I could go back into the job I used to do and for many reasons.

    When I went and saw a life coach although she couldn't help with my grief and depression she did make me realise why I really worked in the job I did and it was simple.. I love people. I loved talking to people, making them smile and generally making people happy. I'm still fighting the people that say I should be lucky to get whatever I can get and so why haven't I applied for anything. I guess it doesn't help that my brother has a fancy job (literally it's the dream job for him). Well, I guess in a way yes I'm still scared but I also feel like there's something else out there for me. At least that is if I can move on from the grief, the depression and anxiety and the uh.. other thoughts that pop up.

    I hope that you can chat to somebody and do check back in to say how you're doing if you would like.

    I know what you mean about coping mechanisms sometimes.

    I will look into that song. When I get deep into my depression I always end up listening to "how to disappear completely" by Radiohead. Though I know that's a sad song shared by many.

  20. HamSolo01
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    926 posts
    24 May 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    I see Child@HEart

    thanks for sharing a bit more of your story btw

    i appreciate it

    I will reply another time as I'm rather tired atm

    take care of yourself :)

  21. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    6286 posts
    24 May 2022 in reply to HamSolo01

    hello again... in one of your posts I noticed you mentioned being sensitive was seem as a positive. Maybe not that exact that word, but I spoke to my psychiatrist about being a people pleaser. (My brother is also self centered for what it is worth!)

    Anyway, all of these words ... sensitive, people pleaser and self centered have positives and negatives.

    In your case, being sensitive ... empathy, good awareness of what is going on around us, creative thinking, the ability to deeply process and think about big. You only need to google "benefits of being sensitive".

    Still around. And remember you are worth it.

  22. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    25 May 2022 in reply to HamSolo01

    You're welcome. :)

    I understand and take care of yourself.

    Sending virtual hugs!

  23. HamSolo01
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    926 posts
    29 May 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    Hi Child@Heart

    coming back to this - I am wondering - what do you know about trauma?
    I have recently come to the realisation that there is much trauma in my early life that I believe can explain so much of my current state now. From what I have read and seen this is a common thing once we hit adulthood.

    I am wondering if your experiences that you have been posting about here are trauma based?

  24. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    29 May 2022 in reply to HamSolo01

    Thanks for coming back to chat HamSolo.

    To be honest, I don't know much at all. I mean, what really defines "trauma"? I've been through things (but I don't know if it counts as trauma. i.e the "s" word and what may seem like little things to others but something with my mum) and certain things now trigger me because of it and others have heightened my anxiety over years and some paranoia?

    I am sorry to hear of you going through that, but it seems like understanding that has helped you in some way? Clarity wise?

    Today has not been a good day. I was recently informed here of another organisation (I'll keep it nameless) and I shared my story there as it was specific to grief (though here it allows me to talk about all my other struggles which helps) and I decided to read other stories and like here, be more a part of the community and offer some support and I am super sensitive but there was a person who had lost a child and I tried to comfort with some words and some of my own situation and she seemed upset and angry at what I had said and commented that my losing my parents is nothing like her losing a child and it just.. made me quite upset. So much so that I had to take a break from the forum.. I apologised for upsetting her but it hurt because yes whilst I may not know what it is like to lose a child as I am not a mum, it has still been very painful to lose my parents. I was having a good day then all of a sudden it turned into a depressed I'll lay in the darkness day. Anyway, I was going to talk about this before I saw your post.

    Back to what you were saying, is trauma like major events or can it be.. other things? I don't know how to word it without referencing my whole childhood?

    I hope you are doing well my friend.

  25. HamSolo01
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    HamSolo01 avatar
    926 posts
    30 May 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    hey Child@Heart sorry to hear that about the forum experience

    I think sometimes it can be the case that people try to outdo each other and they may not even realise they are doing it

    THanks for your support. This whole process has taught me the validity of two things. Firstly, radical self compassion grounded in the reality of my experience and life story. Where I basically give myself a reason to not be unreasonable to myself

    Secondly, I am learning so much more about my depression and anxiety issues. Where they have derived from. So it has been healing I think. Hard but healing.

    I came across Gabor Mate very recently and bought his book. I am starting to read it and I have seen a lot of his videos on youtube - so much of what happens to us in early life can inform the type of adult we are.

    I am being compassionate to myself and leraning to challenge the unhelpful thought styles that emerge too often these days in the latter years of my 20s.

    Onwards and upwards i guess hey ?

    Trauma is anything that created a negative experience. That's what I understand it to be. It is the emotional response to a thing. Then it informs everything from then on. I found this definiton. Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual's ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel a full range of emotions and experiences.

    I mean in the end this isn't exactly medicine. But it is the mind we are speaking about. I personally don't believe we need a label for everything, but it certainly helps us come to terms with things.

  26. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    30 May 2022 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo,

    Thanks about the forum. I'm ok now I think it just triggered me a little at the time.

    I like the whole "a reason to not be unreasonable". That's interesting and (sorry to say) I don't think I've ever heard of Gabor Mate? I might have to look him up.

    I'm glad that you are in fighting mode and doing your best to overcome the challenges you face. That's a brave thing to do!

    Hmm..well, when you put trauma like that, then yes I suppose I have. A lot happened to me before my parents got sick and I was dealing with "s" thoughts and a few times where I tried. But there's something I never got to talk about in the small amount of therapy I have had because I was talking about my grief but it was my relationship with my mother. I don't know if it's okay to talk about I mean..not that I plan to go into full details but of course, I loved my mother she was my mum.. but .. it's like she could flick a switch and go from one to another person. She too struggled with depression pre-parkinsons but ever since I was a little girl if we were left alone we would clash. A lot. She would yell at me most of the time and sometimes put me down.. tell me I'm a disappointment etc. There's more I could tell but I won't share it all here I'm not sure if I'm allowed anyway but that has put some triggers in me growing up and for one thing, made me scared to talk to people about my feelings (people that know me that is) and it affected me at school too because I found that whenever I was under pressure I would blank out and go into panic mode which is what would happen with my mother. So like.. when I would take tests and things I would panic and blank out and not do well on the tests if I had even gotten anything down at all. Things like this caused more issues as the teachers started calling home all the time to tell my parents how I wasn't doing well and not doing what I was supposed to and would make my parents mad and every time the phone would ring at home I would panic assuming it to be the school which most of the time it was. That has actually affected me as an adult as I still go into a minor panic mode when my phone rings even though I know it can't be the school but I get into my anxiety and a lot of the physical feelings come up like that rush of.. well I don't even know how to describe it.. that suddenly courses through my body. Like a shiver but worse..

  27. Child@Heart
    Child@Heart avatar
    56 posts
    31 May 2022 in reply to HamSolo01

    I've been thinking more about what you said. What if I've been making excuses for people's behaviour?

    I know my parents loved me they didn't want to hurt me.. I do know this. I do have a lot of happy memories as a kid and dad worked hard not just to give us what we needed but some of what we wanted, too.

    My mum loved me I know that, but when we were alone we just couldn't get along. She would yell at me a lot and over silly things. In my teen years, she wanted me to come to her to talk about what was going on in my life and I didn't feel like I could because I was scared. I would come home and my room would be turned upside down looking like it had been robbed as she was looking for anything she could find to see what I was up to. That made me not trust being able to come to her at all. This one time she was yet again invading my private space and all I did was hold onto her shoulders and say "mum please just go.. I want to be alone. Let me have my privacy" she then claimed that I had tried to push her down the stairs. She then started yelling out for help and to call the police and that scared me. I told my dad when he got home and he said he would talk to her. She was on medication from her GP for it was depression at the time that much I know. But things like this would happen frequently.

    My parents wouldn't let me be independent. I always assumed it was because my brother left home for another country when he was young and didn't return (at least not permanently) so I figured their feelings were they felt like they had lost him, and weren't going to lose me too. I asked to move out when I was 18 they said no, I asked again when I was 23 they said no. In my 20s I had to message them every two hours to let them know where I was and what I was doing. I once walked to the corner store and I wasn't back in 15 minutes so they came looking for me. When I was with a guy late one night they even called every surname under his in the phone book until they got his parents and then got them to call the guy to tell me that I am to be picked up immediately and I remember my dad going ballistic for me being there. I was in my late 20s at that point.

    I have been telling myself that mum was just in a hard place. She was dealing with depression and maybe the meds weren't the right ones for her. My parents loved me that was clear so much so that they were overprotective, but it was only because they didn't want to lose me. Right? Or am I just making up excuses?

  28. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9781 posts
    2 June 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    Hi again,

    I have the following comments

    • Grief should never be a competition. I've grieved more for an animal than some relatives
    • In life especially www they'll always be someone that has that streak of a need to dominate.
    • 15% of people are HSP- highly sensitive people. Google it.
    • Trauma- my interpretation is- an event/s that has adverse mental effect that leave us damaged to the point whereby you require treatment.
    • As we mature and age we can naturally overcome some issues from our childhood as we begin to accept that it's part of life. After all life is rocky not smooth. Well always have death, injury, turmoil and so on. The trick is to ensure your rest if your life is valued, enjoyed and rewarded so much so it flood's the negatives.
    • I helped z mother of 4 young kids change a flat tyre in 53 degree heat. At the end she drove off without thinking me. I was hurt. Then I realised- I didn't change her tyre for her verbal appreciation, I did it as it was the right thing to do. I praised myself.. Thankless people are everywhere but appreciative people are also. I valued myself and my efforts, my endeavours greater that that lady's rudeness. In fact I feel sorry for those sort of people. They miss out on ones greatest gift.... giving.
    • Google- beyondblue topic the good Samaritan

    TonyWK

  29. StevenK
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    StevenK avatar
    31 posts
    2 June 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    Here’s a hard truth my friend, we don’t owe anybody anything and we don’t expect others to owe us. The role of a child to a parent ends at 18 the rest is formed with the ego, what do I mean, people feel guilty if they don’t look after there parents, yes to some degree you have to, but you have to have your own life and own well being and own love first before you can help others,

    and so you have been conditioned to believe that it’s your responsibility to of had to care for your family.

    i know this sounds counter intuitive believe me I love people unconditionally but we have to look after ourselves first.

    and so that’s why your sibling has been distant, it’s not our job to care financially for others I’m sorry but god didn’t put you on this earth for you not to live out your own purpose and karma.

    snd so depression comes from a story we tell ourselves. It can be shifting blame on your sibling. It can be that subconsciously your felt guilty and responsible for everything.

    how do we rebuild? The trick is to start creating new experiences and re wire the brain. We have to feed ourselves with positive messages until the subconscious mind is more positive then negative

    we do this by reading self development books, and listening to motivation talks while commuting. We have to invest in ourselves.

    It mite be too early for you to get back to work, and maybe your feeling guilty because society and other people don’t get it. That’s why we start with baby steps

    baby Steps like excersising every day, meeting up with people for coffee, being brave and open and vulnerable

    Depression is a message from the soul that something is not right and you have to go back and start fixing stuff. You have to go back to the root cause of it. I’m sure you may even feel that you were burdened by looking after your parents.

    truth is we create the world we live in by the choices we made, and your parents made choices throughout there life that got them to where they are and financially as well.

    We can’t be responsible for what happens to others. That’s not your job, your job is to become the best version of yourself that you can , after that then you can help others

  30. StevenK
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    StevenK avatar
    31 posts
    2 June 2022 in reply to Child@Heart

    Part two, focus on others, random acts of kindness, by flowers, give someone a gift. When we focus on cheering others up we don’t see our own problems. We love to contribute to other peoples happiness

    if you want to change how you feel, you need to change your point of attraction and karmic power

    out Thoughts create our emotions and behavior. So we have to essentially change our thinking, we do this by books, by being in a positive enviroment.

    by being in nature walking bare foot on sand or earth. By being compassionate to ourselves, by doing what brings us joy.

    it’s a long journey it won’t happen over night, but eventually people and ideas will come up to help you.

    believe it, we are meant to be happy joyous and loved, all of it comes from internally. It’s just we got programmed into negativity, society is negative as well.

    working is good for helping the mind to be present. Don’t see work as a money thing, use it as therapy. Your contributing to the world

    I went many years suicidal, I’ve been the worst of the worst, I’ve loved it and come out the other side, I did everything I could to change my attitude and life

    i Learned from successful people, I hired a life coach, I read books, I excersise daily. I practiced being kind to others, I became love by loving others.

    Read eckhart tolle the power of now

    read the untethered soul by Michael singer read them multiple times.
    you need to get in touch with your spiritual being!!!

    if you change your focus to being kind and self compassionate, to taking baby steps your life will change

    most Often we don’t like feeling depressed so we fight and push it away, instead of accepting it, and moving towards your feelings, allow yourself to be vulnerable it’s ok.

    we treat the symptom not the cause. So change that. Focus on solutions. Get outside help, find a coach, be around positive uplifting people, go church

    Excersise, exposure therapy, start small. God will help you out I promise, he can only hope when we decide to act and think like a person worthy.

    you are special, and your pain will give you more empathy, pain my friend moulds is into a force to be reckoned with , people like me and you go very far in life, when we flip the script

    Go read David Goggins book called can’t hurt me, read that asap.

    life is 10% what Happens, and 90% of how we react.

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