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Topic: Still struggling

18 posts, 0 answered
  1. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    103 posts
    10 June 2021
    I'm having more and more days where I feel like I can't go on... I don't know how to cope anymore. Mornings are harder than ever. Nights are lonelier than ever. Everything feels pointless and grey. I am socially isolated (except for my family). I have no meaning or purpose. I can't get out of bed, it's a struggle just to do basic things. And now I'm getting harassed by Centrelink who think that I can work even though I clearly can't, I have a damn doctor's certificate and an exemption from looking for work. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I haven't been answering my phone. I haven't been doing much of anything. I am REALLY bad at the moment. If they want, they can cut me off, I'm done. And damn anxiety doesn't help. I'll just live with no money, living off my parents at 35 years of age. I don't have any shame anymore because I'm genuinely struggling (and I know that, and my family knows that) and I can't handle anything. People can call me worthless and a freeloader all they want because they don't understand what I'm going through and will never understand. They can judge me and hate me all they want. I only want to be alone anyway. If I can't do it, then I just can't do it. I'm not going to try and come up with reasons why I can't do it just to please other people. I have genuinely tried to function. But I just can't. And medication isn't helping. Therapy hasn't helped me EVER.

    I've tried reaching out to other people with depression but nobody EVER replies. And most of those people are 12 to 16 years of age. I ask other people around my age what helps them, what helps them to get through each day, what helps keep them motivated and they say it's their kids that give their life meaning, it's their kids that give them a purpose. Well that doesn't help me because I don't have any kids. And that also makes me depressed - feeling that I missed out on marriage and having kids and because of my age and what little I have in life - nobody wants to know me or speak to me anymore. I am a broken person. I only have my dog and she is almost on her last legs. When she goes I dont know what I'm going to do with my time.

    I just can't do it... I'm feeling like I can't go on. I haven't told anybody this. And I haven't spoken to anybody because I don't want to burden them or bring them down as well. I feel like a failure and a burden and all I want to do is curl up and lay in bed all day. I've been finding things to take my mind off it like gardening. But I've been tired
  2. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    4890 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to Cee123
    Hi, Cee123,

    We're sorry to hear that you are struggling so much and finding it very hard to cope. We understand that you think everything is pointless and believe that you have no purpose. Isolation must be very difficult, particularly as you are trying to connect with others who are of like mind, in your age group. Centrelink can definitely be challenging to deal with, especially when you need to take care of yourself. Anxiety, money issues, getting to the point of no shame, the potential of people thinking that you are worthless, or a freeloader must be taking its toll on you. It sounds like there is so much pressure on you. 

    We recognise that therapy hasn't helped you, however we have contacted you privately to offer you support. Sometimes, something as simple as a yarn can be the best support that one needs. You can also reach out to Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), when things get way too much.

    There is also Beyond Blue Support Service who available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

    You are not alone and we are here to support you. 
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    103 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to Cee123
    All I've been doing lately is gardening, and taking care of the lawn. But I've been very tired and lethargic. I've been putting on weight because I haven't been exercising. Except yesterday I went to the gym. The weather has been too bad to do anything. I feel like I'm making excuses all the time. I don't know why I can't function like other people. They have everything together and I just can't do it. God knows how much I've tried over the years. When things went to crap, all my so called "friends" left and I continued to become more isolated and alone in my life. Now everyone is busy with their wives and kids and I feel like a burden to everybody. I go out, but nobody wants to know me. I might get the occasional interaction with someone but I never know what to talk about and it just falls flat. I'm lucky my family accept me. Because without them I don't know where I'd be. Probably dead. And I know that sounds bad, but I don't have any other options. I've been so lonely for so long, and struggling with depression for so long. I've tried everything to make my life better but it's been a failure after failure. And I am at a crossroads, and I just feel like there's no hope. There's no hope anymore. Since my life fell apart a decade ago, I haven't been able to put it back together. I'm so alone, there's no one who understands me. I have people asking me why I'm not working, why I'm not married. But honestly, I don't feel like I should have to explain anything to anyone. I've been struggling for a long time. And I'm just at the point where I'm falling through the cracks. There's nothing that helps. I'm grateful to everyone whose tried to help me over the years. But I dont know what's left or what else to do anymore.
  4. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    103 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to Cee123
    I'm sorry for my bad mood and negativity this morning. But it helped to get that off my chest.
  5. jtjt_4862
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    95 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to Cee123

    Hi Cee123,

    I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way about yourself, and it's okay to be feeling this way as well. Your feelings are valid, and it certainly does help when you let go all the bottled up thoughts and emotions. You're always welcomed here to vent or let out some steam. The forums is a safe space, filled with supportive and loving people. I'm really happy that you are able to share your story here too. It really takes great courage and bravery to be able to do something like that given how much you've suffered for such a long time. I'm here to listen to you Cee123, and you're never alone.

    I can understand the frustration as well when you mentioned that you really want to feel better, but cannot find the answers or relate to people that are of different age groups to you. I've been in a similar situation myself, and it drives me nuts whenever I cannot find the answers to the question that I've been seeking an answer for. Everyone has a unique story of their own, and as they share their stories and experiences (much like how you share yours), it is up to ourselves to decide how we want to steer our story. The forum is filled with a lot of unique stories, each carrying their own lessons/experiences that others can learn from. Whether it relates to them, it is up to them to interpret how relevant it is to themselves. Just like a piece of art. How you interpret an art piece is completely up to the viewer.

    You mentioned you do gardening and taking care of lawn. Do you enjoy doing gardening? It's okay to be tired and lethargic, gardening does take a fair amount of effort to do. And do you have any hobbies that you'd like to do or try?

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  6. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1816 posts
    11 June 2021 in reply to Cee123

    Hi Cee123

    I feel for you so deeply. When no one has the ability to relate, depression can feel like an incredibly lonely and deeply frustrating experience. In a nutshell, depression can become depressing.

    While my experience with depression lasted about 15 years, ending some time ago, I can still easily recall many of the frustrations and disappointments that came with it. I can also recall the mind altering levels. How I hated the levels and the impact they had. It was like going from basically depressed to more depressed to even more depressed, before hitting the absolute depths of depression. No one knows what it's like to hit the very depths unless they've been there. Extreme mental torture is an understatement. It's like the people around you simply see you in a depression, they don't feel the levels like you do.

    I'm wondering if anyone's ever led you to look at depression from 3 different perspectives

    • Mentally, words have an enormous impact, whether these words come from external or internal sources. A lack of the right words coupled with an abundance of the wrong words or dialogue can severely distort perception. Hearing 'You are hopeless, you're a waste of space, you're lazy, you're messed up/broken or faulty' is definitely depressing to try and live with. What if someone said 'Do you know who you naturally are? Have you ever truly known?' I've found it pays to trigger a sense of wonder people typically don't lead us to. It's like a quest for the truth, with the right questions leading the way
    • Physically/biologically/chemically, we're a big bag of complex energy and chemistry. If we're sensitive enough, we'll feel the shifts, especially a lack of energy. With a lack of energy, even the greatest motive can't get you motivated. If the energy's not there, it's not there. Energy input is key
    • Naturally, the less light/enlightenment we're given, the darker things become. It took me 15 years before I found the kind of light that would take me out of depression. That's definitely a long time to wait for mind altering enlightenment. Enlightenment is not just some sort of magical epiphany, it's also about shedding light on the nature of a lot of the depressing mental programs we've grown up with yet never saw faults in

    No longer being a people pleaser is true progress, especially when you consider who you're trying to please. Are these the kind of people raising you or bringing you down? Given the choice, how would you like people to raise you?

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Petal22
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    478 posts
    11 June 2021 in reply to Cee123

    Hi Cee123,

    I’m so sorry you are feeling this way it must be a very difficult condition….

    You could be feeling this way now but in time you could be in a totally different head space…… please hold onto HOPE, hope that you CAN recover….

    I had severe anxiety OCD and I have now recovered….. 4 years going strong…

    I know our conditions are different but one thing I would always tell myself was that I was going to recover, I was going to live a full and amazing life…. My mental health journey was a marathon but it’s a marathon I won! You can too just hang in there……. tell yourself positive things about yourself! Have the belief that good days are coming your way…

    you can still meet someone amazing, I’m sure you have an amazing future awaiting for you just keep telling yourself good things…..

    here to chat to you

    1 person found this helpful
  8. OngoingJourney
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    OngoingJourney avatar
    4 posts
    12 June 2021 in reply to Cee123

    Hi Cee,

    Firstly, I want to thank u for your posts. Voicing the depth of ur difficulties to urself n' then others is no easy task, takes a tremendous amount of courage n' energy. This morning I was in the depths of despair n' visualised myself reaching out n' holding hands with others who're going through d' same right now somewhere in d' world. It got me to ur thread.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. OngoingJourney
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    OngoingJourney avatar
    4 posts
    12 June 2021 in reply to Cee123

    Secondly, I want to emphasise what a few others have mentioned here - you're not alone. I live with my folks too since my divorce in 2018. Am older than u at 37 years, do rare freelance work since resigning in 2017. No Centrelink to handle as I'm kiwi so no financial assistance (though I sometimes feel I have no place/country since I'm not NZ born n' due to my obvious skin colour I often get reminded about it). During this period, I looked for jobs, tried hard to make some friends here n' develop myself incl my spiritual connection. Always volunteered, still do. I've managed to developed some resiliency skills. My dark periods sometimes aren't as severe. Even if they are, they don't last as long as weeks, months or yrs. Having dealt with depression n' suicidal thoughts since childhood, those patterns still come though n' it still sucks! Sometimes, it sucks so much that, like u, I think I have no hope. But I think both of us deep within ourselves have even a tiny bit of hope, even if we can't or don't want to see it at the time. We both have an inner strength that's beyond words. Otherwise, we wouldn't get out of bed, do gardening or gym even if it's one time, or be on here. You aren't useless. U look after urself the best u can, ur bestie (so great u hv such love from her), ur garden, n' probably do much more than u realise. Sometimes I think that's just not enough too, others 'do' far more. It's actually more than enough when ur whole being is in pain. And we have to get our mind out of comparing because we don't know if truly d' grass is greener. I also feel angry that I feel I have to show my worth by how much I 'do'. We don't have to believe that, despite society unhealthily cultivating that since we're kids. I also deal with d' anger, shame, frustration n' despair of living off folks at my age when it 'should' be d' other way around. It's tough n' I don't have answers on how to deal with it apart from trying to remember they would rather support u than not n' to try to receive d' love they give - u would do d' same if roles were reversed. Be kind n' gentle with urself when ur hurting, slowly one step at a time be and do things that lift you up - e.g. water n' nature helps everyone I think. When u don't, try to give yourself permission to just to 'be'. Then u will with time get to a point where u have more energy n' can 'do' more things that are important to you incl perhaps being financially independent. Sending loving energy ur way.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. bluenight
    bluenight avatar
    87 posts
    12 June 2021 in reply to Cee123

    Hi Cee,

    Don't put too much pressure on yourself or be too hard on yourself with your current situation. You have mental illness and you and I know if you felt that you could get over all this you would in a heartbeat God willing.

    I was in a very similar position to you, I've read some of your other posts. I'm in a much better place now, thanks to God. Take baby steps , but try to keep moving forward, I'd love to chat more with you if you like , Anyway, hope you are going okay.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    103 posts
    20 June 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi jtjt_4862,

    Initially I was embarrassed to share what I was going through. I was embarrassed even reading my post back. Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it. I guess the first thing is to reach out. Thanks for making me feel less alone. Glad you're here to listen. I don't know who else I can talk to in my life.

    Yeah I understand that. Everyone has their own unique situations. I often find a lot of people relate to each other in their circumstances, and then there's me. And then I feel like they can't relate to me and I can't relate to them so they just ignore me. And it just ends up making me feel even crappier. Even in my social anxiety support group years ago, they would talk about things going on their lives, and then it came to my turn and I just really had nothing to share. As nothing was going on my life. And then they would just think "that's it? How boring" move past me onto the next person. But whatever I dont care.

    Yeah I have been enjoying gardening and taking care of the lawn. It's not because of that that I feel lethargic. I just feel lethargic in general. I have no energy anymore. Some days are better than other days I suppose. I've been really lacking in energy and motivation though. Come winter and I'm always struggling to pull together to do things. I just feel like I've been lost in a fog.

  12. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    103 posts
    20 June 2021 in reply to therising
    Yeah that's it. That's what it's like for me also. What helped you to get through it? I've been to therapists over the years, been on a lot of different medications, things helped to an extent, and then things just fell apart again. And it's just been like that, it's been a continual process of things falling apart and then having to try to put things back in place again only for them to fall apart again. I am so sorry I haven't been here to reply to comments. I am very distractible and unmotivated.

    Those are interesting perspectives, I'll keep those in mind. I would say I am a people pleaser as well, I am also a people disappointer haha. Actually it's interesting that you mention those things, a guy who got in touch with me from my high school has been recommending meditation to me. I kept telling him I'm interested but I just never got around to it.
  13. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    103 posts
    20 June 2021 in reply to Petal22
    Thank you Petal, I really appreciate that also.

    Sounds like a tough journey with OCD. I'm sure I probably have a few OCD traits myself that can be a real pain to live with. But not as bad as my generalized and social anxieties though.

    Congratulations on your recovery... 4 years wow, that's awesome. I'm so glad.

    I hope I can be like that too. That gives me a sense of hope.

    Yeah I hope so too. I am sick and tired of being alone. It's just the sense of getting older and feeling like you have nothing to live for like other people that you know. I see how happy they are and I can't relate.
  14. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    103 posts
    20 June 2021 in reply to OngoingJourney
    Thank you OngoingJourney,

    I am so sorry to hear you're feeling that too. I am here with you. Holding your hand as well. I feel you. We're the same. Like you, I've been to those depths of despair. I've been on the downward spiral. Coped with alcohol. I haven't been as bad as some people - I haven't attempted to take my own life - which I suppose is a positive, but I have thought about it and considered it. But for me, it's been like I have days where I just do nothing at all. And it's a struggle to get out of bed and function. I am glad I made you feel like you are not alone. It's sad there are so many feeling like this.
    1 person found this helpful
  15. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    103 posts
    20 June 2021 in reply to OngoingJourney
    Wow that sounds tough what you're going through. And sorry to hear about the divorce. That can cause a huge blow to anyone. Sounds like you've been through a lot as well. Volunteering I think probably helps you as you're out mixing with others, the GP recommended that to me too, but I just cant find anything that I'd be useful at. Glad to hear that your depressed periods are lessened at least. I think if we can lessen them more the better. But yeah not that easy. You're right it's just that tiny bit of hope that gets us through. I hold onto that most days. But some days it just isn't there. I know how you feel also. I can relate to everything you're feeling at the moment as well. I understand. Thank you for those kind words - I hope you can also take that same advice that you've given me. It's nice to hear from someone who's older than me in the same situation. Sometimes I think it's easier to just be alone as we have no one to disappoint other than ourselves. But I don't know. And that drives me also to a sense of isolation. Thank you so much, I really appreciate that. And your kind words. I hope you're doing ok as well. Sending love and energy your way as well. Appreciate what you've sent.
  16. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    103 posts
    20 June 2021 in reply to bluenight
    Hi bluenight,

    So glad to hear, thank you so much. I am touched. So glad to hear of your recovery also. Hope you're doing much better now. I've considered reaching out to God for help. But I have tried and nothing changes. I feel like I just get ignored or like he is not there. I am not as religious myself. I am glad he has helped you get through your hard times. You are right - we are not shameful and a burden - we have mental illness. Thanks, that makes me feel better at least. Hope you're doing ok as well.

    Yeah I think baby steps is what it takes. Thanks for reminding me of that. How did you get through it. Must've been hard for you as well. Thank you for your kind words. Yeah we can chat further here, or wherever. Appreciate the love you send as well. Hope you're doing ok as well.

  17. Cee123
    Cee123 avatar
    103 posts
    20 June 2021 in reply to Cee123
    Wow I am really touched by the replies from you guys. I don't know what to say. I did come back and read the replies. My brain has been feeling like I'm in a fog, and my concentration has really struggled. I've been struggling to think of what to reply to each of these. And I am so grateful and appreciative to every one of you. And I am so deeply sorry that it took me a week to finally come back here and respond. I don't know why I have been so unreliable and demotivated. I've been neglecting a lot of things lately. I'm trying to get back around to them. I appreciate every one of you guys. Sending love your way - Sophie_M, jtjt_4862, therising, OngoingJourney, bluenight I am so grateful to everyone who has replied to me, and I hope no one feels forgotten I am here for anyone. I am so grateful to everyone who has replied to my other posts as well. I remember who they are. I love and appreciate all of you. Thank you everyone. I am here to keep receiving and sending replies if anyone wants to talk. I don't know where my head has been this past week or why it took me this long to come back.
  18. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1816 posts
    20 June 2021 in reply to Cee123

    Hi Cee123

    No pressure to respond. You'll respond when you're up to it at a time that feels right for you. Sometimes, it can't hurt to mull over things for a while either.

    When it comes to pleasing and displeasing people, I love pleasing people and I absolutely love triggering people to, you could say, a state of annoyance at times. Yes, I've learned to become a bit of a trouble maker/stirrer. It's more about 'stirring the pot of consciousness' in a person. It's like you can say to someone who doesn't want to give much thought to raising you when you're a little down 'I really need to you raise me a little'. A lot of the time, with such people, you can easily predict how things are going to go but you stir anyhow, even if it's just for a little personal amusement

    'I really need you to raise me a little'

    'How?'

    'I need you to think of how because I just can't right now'. It's like triggering them to consciously think and lead you to a revelation in regard to what might actually work

    'I don't know'

    'I need you to try harder, for my sake'

    'I don't know! Stop harassing me'

    As I say, I'm a troublemaker; keep this in mind, as on one occasion I actually had this kind of conversation with someone and produced a piece of paper at the end which read 'I don't know! Stop harassing me' before announcing 'That must be the psychic in me' :) You just know that's going to displease a person. My theory is if you can predict the response, you may as well have fun with it. Some folk may question this approach but I figure it's better than what I used to do. I used to sometimes beg people to make some difference in my life, offer some suggestion, and when they refused to think hard and raise their consciousness (even walking away at times), I'd find it incredibly depressing and hopeless.

    One of the most amazing things about the people on the forums here involves the fact they work so hard to make sense of things, so hard to make a difference in their own lives and the lives of others, so hard to raise spirits and so on. Even if they don't know the way, they will continue seeking.They will not stop at 'I don't know'.

    With the meditation, I've found there are so many forms to the point where it becomes a matter of sifting through what does work and what doesn't. I keep my fingers crossed that your friend offers what works straight up and you don't have to go through the sifting process so much. Guided meditation is more my thing. I love having my imagination triggered.

    :)

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