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Topic: Stuck

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. Tiger Lilly
    Tiger Lilly avatar
    5 posts
    17 August 2020
    Hi, I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for the last 20 years. I have seen psychiatrists during this time and have been on medication on and off as well. I found the medication was okay but then I would gain weight which then just added to my problem and made things worse so felt that while one thing may have been getting better, then I another problem would replace it being the weight gain. The last psychiatrist I saw was a few years ago and she retired and so that was that. I thought I would try to get better myself but for the last two years it is just getting worse and I just feel so alone now. I live by myself. I don't really have anyone to talk to, most of my friends over time have gotten married and were too busy and then I found that it was hard to keep close friends when single as I always felt left out and then eventually I found it hard to go out and then they finally disappeared. My family don't really get it, they say they do but they are never there when I need to talk, I find it hard to talk to them about it, my siblings do not really support me, I find that as they're lives are going good, they are too busy to notice that I am struggling so I keep it all to myself. I am just so lost and feel very isolated and just find the people around me are just not good people to talk to. They will either say that may be I should go on medication or get out more but it is so difficult to go out when you're alone and have no one to rely on for that. Sometimes I wish I could just go into another world and start over again which I know sounds weird but I just have lost faith and trust in people I don't even feel I can trust anyone to talk about this without them mentioning it to someone else. I just really feel so stuck.
  2. TaylaP1199
    TaylaP1199 avatar
    4 posts
    17 August 2020 in reply to Tiger Lilly
    Hey I can totally relate to this after suffering from anxiety and depression for the last 10+ years and having no one to talk to. I also live alone and can relate to not having many friends and being the only single one in the group. Personally I find keeping myself busy with exercising, study, watching movies and listening to music is the best way to get my mind of things as well as expressing myself through social media and forums etc also helps too. Best of luck x
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Tiger Lilly
    Tiger Lilly avatar
    5 posts
    18 August 2020 in reply to TaylaP1199
    Hello Everyone, first of all thank you to TaylaP1199 for your reply, it was really nice to receive. I was really feeling a bit sad and upset this morning after my experience on here so far. I joined up last night as I have been having such a bad time lately and yesterday was really hard for me, I was just constantly crying while I was working all day and I just felt at such a loss and so decided to come on the BB website and thought I would try the forums. I had read quite a bit on here and found that the people here really do care to try to help people on here and I thought this is what I really need at the moment. There were so many lovely and caring responses to people struggling with things so that is why I thought I would talk about me. It took me a lot of courage to come on here as it is as I struggle to communicate this with anyone. So I thought if I post something I might get a few responses with a bit of encouragement etc, but I was so upset that I only got one response, while others have had few and so it just makes me feel so invisible again, that people just pass on me. I already feel like this with people in my life but I thought here it would be different. I don't want anyone to think I am now against this place, as I do see people care so much on here and want to help people but I just feel when it comes to me, nobody is ever interested in really listening to me and understanding how I am struggling with life. I always feel jealous how in this world everyone is there for someone when the chips are down but when I am seeking help, no one is there for me which just makes me feel something is so wrong with me. I just don't get it????? I always hate that I ever existed and felt if I wasn't here anymore it would not matter because no one would miss me as no one even notices me anymore. I just find that life can be so good to some and cruel to others, I just don't get it.
  4. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3423 posts
    18 August 2020 in reply to Tiger Lilly
    Hi Tiger Lilly,

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us here today. We know it's not an easy thing to do and it is so important that you have. You're right that this is a very caring community who together create this safe and non-judgmental place where users give and receive support based on their own experiences of mental health.

    However, sometimes it can take a while for others to see and respond to your posts. Please don't take this personally. It really is the nature of the medium and this peer support space where everyone volunteers their time when they have some to spare. We are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

    If you want more immediate and professional support, please know it is always available to you 24/7. You can talk to the qualified mental health professionals at our support service for support, advice, some counselling and referals on 1300 22 4636 or reach out to our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14  for crisis support. If you're more comfortable typing than talking about these issues, our support service is available through webchat from 3pm to midnight AEST every day or email (expect replies within 24 hours)  via: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

    Please keep checking in and letting us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.
  5. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    7220 posts
    18 August 2020 in reply to Tiger Lilly

    Hello Tiger Lilly..

    I am sorry that your struggling so much with your mental health...

    Tiger Lilly...My heart went out to you when I listened to your words here...You’re not alone dear Tiger Lilly, not here..

    I live alone as you do..I find that when sadness, depression or anxiety is playing with my thoughts, I need to get out of my head..I need to distract myself with something that I like doing..music, jig saws, drawing..( I’m still stick figure stage)..Internet games...but mostly I like to sit outside and listen to nature....

    Do you have things you like to do?...can be anything...

    PI went through a few different types of medication until my psychiatrist found one that helped my mental health but like your meds..it is putting weight on me..I didn’t want to take them because of my weight gain...Then my psychiatrist asked me to look back at how I was before taking the meds..well I was a complete mess..He then asked me..what is better..being a mess or overweight..he said that I will gain a bit..then it will plateau..which it has...Do you think that without the meds, that your feeling worse again...

    It is too hard Lovely Tiger to get well on our own..imo I think it’s nearly impossible...I am wondering how you would feel talking to your GP. about how your feeling and thinking..If needed your GP. can get you a mental health care plan..Speaking our thoughts out to professionals can really help you/us....Please can I very gently urge you to reach out to your GP....

    You’re not alone here Tiger Lilly...You matter to us.......we care about you and want to help you the best we can...

    Please talk here when you feel up to it..,We are listening and are here for you..

    Sending you my care and kind thoughts dear Tiger Lilly..

    Hope to hear how your feeling today..


  6. Tiger Lilly
    Tiger Lilly avatar
    5 posts
    20 August 2020 in reply to Ggrand
    Hi, thank you Sophie M and Grandy.l for your replies, I really appreciate it. The last few days have been not so good, I am still constantly crying everyday and I don't sleep much. Lately I have even been having trouble with driving on certain roads where they are busy, I start to hyperventilate and get scared I might cause a crash. I have made an appointment with my GP for next week to get a referral to a psychiatrist. Grandy.l, I know what you mean when you mentioned about the weight gain but I just find that it causes me to become more depressed. At the moment I want to lose some more weight and I am not even on medication, so if I decide to go on medication I am just going to gain more weight. Twenty years ago, before I started to feel depression, I was always a stable 50 kg. Then once I started taking medication, my weight rose and the heaviest I have weighed is 80 kg which was a few years ago and that is a while after I came off the medication. I just find it so hard to lose the weight as I also struggle with what I eat too. I have been jogging for many years at a park after work but had to stop over winter as it was too dark and dangerous to go there so I am waiting until it is daylight savings again. I have also tried to keep myself busy with things but as soon as I start to do something, I just start crying and so cannot continue. At the moment I am even finding it difficult to clean my house because I just start to cry and have no motivation to do it. I know some of this probably does not make sense and might sound like laziness but I don't know why I get like that when I attempt to do something. I just find I can't even be kind to myself, I feel like I'm letting myself down. Part of me thinks, that all these excuses I have for why I can't do anything is sometimes so stupid but my body feelings/motions (if that makes sense) take over what my brain thinks and so I get emotional and my heart races and so my mind can't fight it. This is probably the best way to explain it.
    2 people found this helpful
  7. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    7220 posts
    20 August 2020 in reply to Tiger Lilly

    Hello Dear Tiger Lilly..

    I really like your forum name...I like both tigers and Lillys..

    Awe...I’m sorry your crying daily..Even though it is okay to cry and release our deep soul pain..It’s very exhausting... Is something triggering you to make you cry?...I wish I could comfort you with a gentle caring hug..

    I think even though I’m slightly concerned about my weight gain..I am to scared to scared to go off my medication for depression and anxiety..I have different meds for both..I was to messed up without them...and don’t want to go back their ever again..My meds do help but things still bring me down and into tears at times... I think they take the edge off of the deepness I can go..

    Please..be careful and pull over to the side of the road when you start hyperventilating...and slow your breathing down by counting in between slow deep breaths..I have hyperventilated and ended up in hospital...when my arms and legs twisted out of shape and locked in.I couldn’t move at all, all due to the lack of oxygen, which happens in chronic hyperventilating...Please sweetheart...be very careful...

    I can understand about what you’re saying about housework, knowing we need to do it, but the unmotivated state we can get into due to being depression, is so very hard to manage....No dear Tiger Lilly..it’s not laziness..it’s what depression does to us...I will work myself up at night and decide okay I’ll do this or that today..then morning comes..,my mind is clouded and my mood is “meh”..so it’s another day laying around all day..putting myself down and crying...

    You warmed my heart when I heard your reaching out to your GP...for a referral to see a psychologist..I’m really very proud of you for doing that..It takes courage and a want to help yourself...I will be eagerly waiting here for you..to hear how things go for you...only if you want to share..

    You’re doing great dear lovely Tiger Lilly..

    Sitting quietly with you..

    Sending you my care and kind thoughts..


  8. Tiger Lilly
    Tiger Lilly avatar
    5 posts
    22 August 2020 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Granny,

    Yes, it is very exhausting crying a lot. What makes me cry is seeing everyone in the world around me happy and spending time with people who actually care for them and love to be around them. I don't have that and wish I did, I have never really had anyone there for me to talk to or even get a hug. Human contact is really what I don't have and it is really hard. I feel that everyone who has crossed my path in life has never really deep down cared for. In my 20s I would go out with friends and do stuff but now that they are married with kids, they have kind of moved on or are just busy and they go out with other couples (and plus I hate being the third wheel) and so I feel that when we used to hang out when they were single, it was just to have someone to go out with and not to actually be with me, so once they met their partner I wasn't needed anymore. It just feels so horrible cause I look back and wonder if we actually had anything in common. I know that there are so many lovely people out there, but unfortunately I feel that they are the ones that have not crossed my path and it feels that the people I had been friends with over my life were not really a real friend to me otherwise they would still be in my life. I am going to try and see how things go when I get the chance to find a psychiatrist and go from there. I just dread the weekends when I am not working and so am on my own with my thoughts. I'm even dreading Christmas and New Years, I just never feel happy during those times when everyone is having a great time. It just hurts. It's not that I want people to be miserable but I just don't understand why I am in this position, like why did this have to happen to me. I feel like I'm being punished by God or being tested by him. I want God to know that, yes, he has tested me and in the end he has won and is he right that I could not cope and to now just stop it and leave me in peace as he has won, if this makes sense. The craziest things always come to mind but this is the best way I can explain it.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    7220 posts
    22 August 2020 in reply to Tiger Lilly

    Hello Dear Tiger Lilly..

    I do so much feel my heart cry for you...Because the things you cry for are the things I cry for..I would love more than anything else a big hug...Its been well over a year since I’ve had one...My children live 7 hours drive from me...I am living alone only going out one day a week to my volunteer job...My support worker takes me to appointments when I have them....other then that...I speak nor see anyone for days...Loneliest becomes overwhelming...

    Most people once they find a bf, they spend most of their time with them...trying to build a relationship for the future...I’m sorry that they have moved on and not involving you in their lives...I don’t think it is because you were never a friend..because some children do that to their parents as well...I mean..they find their partners/wives..start to build a future together, have children, then even their mum is forgotten because of their busy lives...

    Do you have anything that you’re interested in...maybe you could join a group with people who have the same interests as you...then maybe new friendships can be started...

    I really hope that you can find a good psychiatrist..they can help you so much...Have you talked to your GP..about how your feeling..They can start a Mental Health Care Plan for you..and refer you to professionals, that can help you...

    I understand about you’re thoughts about a God punishing you..you’re not alone with thoughts thoughts...I am still trying to work out why my life was so bad..,when all I done was help people when I can....

    Sending you my care, with kind wishes..

    Please keep talking when you feel up to it..I am quietly sitting next you..


  10. bluenight
    bluenight avatar
    62 posts
    22 August 2020

    Hi Tiger Lily

    I can relate to how you're feeling, the feeling of being alone and emotionally/mentally isolated. I live alone too, I spend a lot of time on my own when I'm not at work. My hours have been reduced in the last 2 months and I feel like I spend too much time twiddleing my thumbs. I've had depression and anxiety for 20 years too, I would like to be more normal like my peers, marriage, family, regular seeming life. I don't really have any friends, I would really like a girlfriend/partner but I don't put myself out there and as you say, it's hard to go out and meet people when you have no one to go with.

    I sometimes lose hope that my life will ever change for the better, I know people say it's up to you to change it but it doesn't feel that way, my mental, emotional state and things like anxiety/depression often feel out of my control. I feel disconnected from everyone around me.

    So what do you like doing? What things do you hope will improve in the future?

  11. Tiger Lilly
    Tiger Lilly avatar
    5 posts
    3 September 2020 in reply to bluenight

    Thank you Grandy & Bluenight for your messages. Sorry I have not replied, its been nearly 2 weeks and I was just struggling. Im ok though. I went to see my GP and she put me on tablets which have made me feel a bit tired so I just have to get used to them. I have taken them before so she knows it worked well with me last time and then in a few weeks I see a psychologist. I am just getting by day by day, that is the best and only option I have at the moment. I am sorry to hear that you both were struggling as well, I hope things are also better with both of you.

    The things I like, well not sure if I exactly like it, but I try to jog/walking at a park, so just waiting till it gets a bit lighter after work then I can go more often. But I find it is hard to have things I like to do, as I struggle to get a chance to see if I like anything if I have no one to do it with. I am a person that really hates doing things on my own, I did it in my younger years but really hate to do anything now on my own, so it is hard to find something to do or like so I just basically watch TV. I know it probably sounds really boring but at the moment I am even lacking motivation to be able to go out i.e. have showers, wash my hair, put makeup on etc. I am just so over it at the moment and I hate feeling like this, I just lack the energy. Plus also I have zero confidence so that just makes things so much harder. Sometimes I feel, can it get any worse than this or is there more to come. I know that I am lucky to have a job, have a roof over my head, etc compared to other people in the world who may not have these things or are struggling but I think I just compare myself to the people around me who are doing so well and thriving in life and have supports and I just think, how did they get to be so lucky, what did they do right? If everyone around me was going through the same as me, I probably would cope with it better, its just a lot more difficult to deal with this when you are the only one, and you really don't feel up to talking about this with anyone else who is happy as I feel I am just bringing them down and they don't want to hear negative things. I find when people are happy they only want to be around happy people.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6313 posts
    3 September 2020 in reply to Tiger Lilly

    Dear Tiger Lilly

    Hello and a very warm welcome to the forum. I know it's a bit belated but it is none the less sincere. I also apologize that you have had few replies. We do miss some which is unfortunate but I see others are responding to you and that's great.

    I can hear the pain and sadness in your posts and the loss of hope and trust. All of us who have or had depression can relate to everything you have said. I have lived alone for 20 years since my spouse and me separated. That was when my depression was at its worst. It has taken me a long time to be able to lead a 'normal' life but I feel that is largely how it is at the moment. It has taken a long time, many tears and anger not to mention loss of trust.

    I'm not sure what housing you have. Is it a house or something with a garden? Have you thought of doing gardening of some sort? Start with pulling out weeds and tell yourself these weeds are the sadness in you and you are getting rid of all this. I found it quite cathartic. If you have no garden can you get some pots and plant flowers that are easy care. Gazanias are easy care and very forgiving about being dry. Lots of different colours to choose from.Go to your local store and look around. Most of the chain stores sell plants as do the handyman stores. Marigolds are cheerful and easy care as are petunias. Buy some medium size pots and potting mix to make a good display.

    I understand motivation is a huge problem. May I ask how you get yourself to work? On Monday morning do you simply get out of bed and get ready or do you need to give yourself a pep talk first. Can you use the same motivation to do something such as gardening or some other hobby?

    Of course gardening is not the only activity and you may not be keen on it. In general what do you like doing? Do you like physical hobbies such as your walking, though I know you said you were not excited by it. How do you get yourself to go for a walk? Again can you use the same process to do something else. Have a think about this and explore different options such a craft/painting, volunteering after work or at the weekend. It's a great way to make friends.

    You are comparing yourself to those who appear to have their act together. What do people see when they talk to you? Do you think they know about your unhappiness? Probably not because we are all so good at hiding these things. What about your work colleagues. Are they all happy. Can I ask you to think about this. I will write more later.


    1 person found this helpful

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