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Topic: The ongoing battle

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Lost hope
    Lost hope avatar
    2 posts
    13 August 2020

    Hi, I’m Russ, I have battled depression and anxiety since a teeneager and still now at the age of 41 find it hard to find a happy memory. I’ve tried many antidepressants and have had tms and currently on an antidepressant plus a benzodiazepine and muscle relaxer for the anxiety. I’ve tried everything in life from a extreme fitness to alcohol abuse to big holidays, expensive cars what ever I though would make me happy, I’ve had relationships but feel my inner demons end up subconsciously destroying them. I’m high functioning but dam the lows are low and harder to control especially after a recent break up. I have never written on any of these things before but I’m lost, I’m so very lost and tired of the fight and putting on the happy face. I’m afraid to die but I’m afraid not to as I believe someday it will get better but I always feel like I’m just out of reach of happiness and then it grabs me and drags me back into the abyss, and that’s a scary place cause each time the fight to get out takes a little more of your soul.


    2 people found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3423 posts
    13 August 2020 in reply to Lost hope
    Hi Russ,

    Welcome to our friendly online community. We are so grateful that you have reached out here today to share your story, as we know it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We're really sorry to hear that you're feeling so lost, and tired of putting on a happy face for others. But please know that you don't have to go through this alone. You've come to a safe, non-judgemental space and our community is here to support you through this difficult time.

    If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, and advice to help you through this.

    In addition to this, our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are available 24/7 to talk things through with you whenever these feelings become overwhelming to cope with.

    Many in our community have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.
  3. Gambit87
    Gambit87 avatar
    519 posts
    13 August 2020 in reply to Lost hope

    Hi Russ,

    Welcome to the forums! and thank you for reaching out - It takes alot of strength to seek help!

    depression and anxiety is brutal - I definitely know how you feel. I've been suffering depression and anxiety for around 15 years now and I only opened up and starting talking about it 8 months ago. Before I opened up, I had no motivation, I lost interest in pretty much everything and the things I knew that made me happy - I didn't feel anything for. I felt like I was going though life as an emotionless robot.

    It wasn't until I had a breakdown and sought help I started to feel again, I felt the tingling sensation of happiness - I cried. It is a battle and its a battle we have every day - but its worth it mate. I still have my bad days of course, but I also have good days.

    I encourage you to chat to a psychologist. I've been seeing one for 8 months and its helped me so much.

    If you're on facebook, I'd recommend looking at Haka for life - a page focused on mens mental health - The guy is a brilliant speaker. All the videos are worth a watch especially the 25 pushups for 25 days videos and the current check in videos.

    You're not alone here mate - we're with you.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Lost hope
    Lost hope avatar
    2 posts
    13 August 2020 in reply to Gambit87

    Hi mate

    Thanks for your response, I have seen psychiatrist for many years and have tried many things, of course I have had some happy times but I also ran my own company for many years and masked my anxiety with alcohol which of course we all know is the worst thing you can do but anyone in our situation knows you will sell your soul to the devil for 5 minutes rest from your own mind. I recently found myself in a mental health ward getting tms after a major breakdown when i had a relationship end which I feel I played a big part in the breakdown because of my closet drinking at night but of course there is always to sides to a break up. I'm a successful high functioning person and to find myself in a mental health clinic lining up for your medication is a realisation I never thought I would face and somehow feel ashamed of. I'm very physically fit as I use this as a way to try and get rid of the nervous energy but its always there sitting on your shoulder. Especially in these times of being locked down although I can still work as I am in construction but life is just ground hog day.

    I still see my shrink regularly but talk therapy is something I am yet to try, I will look up the fb page you suggested. Thanks for your response.

  5. Gambit87
    Gambit87 avatar
    519 posts
    19 August 2020 in reply to Lost hope

    Hey Russ,

    You are right - what I wouldn't give for 5 minutes peace from my mind. When I do get 5 minutes I almost cry because I remember what being happy feels like. I cant even begin to imagine how you must feel. I think that sometimes we need that little extra help to get us back on our feet - Theres nothing to be ashamed of.

    The nervous energy can be so draining. I to do physical things to help get rid of it but I also try to 'feed the soul' (as weird as that sounds). I look up at the stars, walk in a garden, watch the ducks, look over the water, watch the sun set things like these helps me dull the nervous energy and gives me feelings of wonder and aww.

    Talk therapy has been great for me, it feels liberating. Definitely worth a try.

    Hope you're well!

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Buzz71
    Buzz71 avatar
    13 posts
    27 August 2020 in reply to Gambit87

    Hi I thought I would chime in as many things in these posts resonated with me.

    Most of all Russ I wanted to say you are not alone, and if it in any way it helps I think you are amazingly courageous. To be able to run your own company put in the effort to be super fit, and just well .. function takes enormous strength. I know from bitter personal experience just how much anxiety and depression make you want to run and hide. Something I have learned from my psychologist is that we are often too hard on ourselves and need to forgive ourselves more. So while I know this won't change your circumstances, or how you feel - there are positives you can look to, and things you can be proud of. It's so easy for those of us fighting depression to only see the negatives, when often we have more strength than we give ourselves credit for.

    Gambit - thanks for the info on haka for life - I will check that out also.

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