Hello White Rose,
Thank you so much for giving your time and insight. It means a lot.
I am definitely in a better place than I was. I remember wondering if I could manage a house and garden on my own, challenges like that, I’ve coped with. In some ways, they are the easier ones because I know I can usually beat them if I am stubborn enough. It’s the challenge of finding a life that feels like it fits that’s got me, I can’t “stubborn” my way through that.
I have multiple autoimmune diseases and a form of epilepsy so I cannot drive due to seizures. I’m in pain all the time and fatigue is a big issue so I work only 3 days a week which is still taxing. I take a lot of meds including immunosuppressives so like you, I’ve needed to be cautious through COVID.
I’d love a better job (and I use those project management skills,) but I think the job I have is probably the best I can realistically hope for. I’ve been with the company for over 20 years, they value my knowledge and experience and so are tolerant of my health limitations and seizures. There’s just no possibility of advancement from my fairly junior position. I was promoted and served 7 years in a role I enjoyed but needed to reduce my hours and go to a less exhausting workload. I’m almost 50 too.
I’m afraid the charity work is far more humble than that. I don’t raise any money. I just love craft so I’ve created a network to help share patterns and skills to make things like beanies for preemies and clothing for homeless people.
I do admire your strength, you said you have lived alone for 20 years. That is a long time. I hope that COVID isolation isn’t taking too great a toll on you. I have noticed that little daily interactions take on more importance when you live alone.
You and tranzcrybe are correct. There is a sense of wanting to recreate the life and dreams I had. They made me, if not happy, happy enough that the daily health battles felt worth the fight. Perhaps that’s what I’m really searching for.... more so than even my lost old life... something new to make a life with disability worth all the challenges. I always saw my glass as half full before, now I feel like I’m constantly trying to fill a cracked glass.
I can see I have come a long way, I just wish I knew how much further that new pond is. I’m so tired of pushing onwards in the dark looking for it.
Many thanks for your thoughts and advice, and for helping me. Take care