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Topic: Coping after a death of a funeral

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. rachealw
    rachealw avatar
    6 posts
    17 April 2020
    I've just recently lost my Nan suddenly. During this Covid-19 pandemic. Attempting to be there for the funeral was proven to be a challenge but not impossible. I was still able to fly interstate without needing to quarantine. I was still able to comfort those who could be there. I was also there to make some hard decisions and funeral arrangements. My Nan was like the next figure in life to what people call one a "Mum"... Long story short. I helped care for my Nan before she went into a home from all my teenage years. I'm having trouble coping with her being just "Gone" I felt like i didn't have time to grieve or be sad or to even laugh or cry. You become busy deciding the colour of her coffin and what photo to choose best and what flowers she would of loved by the time the day comes around your not ready to say goodbye yet. Due to the pandemic outbreak and states having their own lockdown and regulations i had to leave 1 day earlier before the service. I wasn't able to be there till the end to even lay her down. Instead i had to watch from a screen and feel at a distance. I'm vividly struggling sometimes to sleep. I can still feel her cold holds against mine and although i still got to see her and kiss her and share upon the memories we had together. I wasn't ready to say goodbye or let go. Now shes been floating around me in thoughts, in my dreams and i just feel like there's a lump in my throat that's hard to explain the presence of. How does one find ways to accept this passing and move forward in life?
    3 people found this helpful
  2. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    4132 posts
    17 April 2020 in reply to rachealw

    Hi rachealw,

    welcome to beyond blue.

    sorry to hear about the loss of your Nan - no word that I can say would take away any of the pain you would be feeling.

    someone I knew died recently - this was when the restrictions were coming into place. A funeral for 100 became 25 then 20 then 10 people attending and then not at the church where she wanted the funeral. many people that wanted to attend could not.

    so the feeling that you have at this time would be natural. It sounds like you were very close to her. Overcoming the feeling of grief and loss will take time. And if you feel you need to talk to someone, you could do that here, or seek professional help. I don't think it is something you forget but one day come to terms with. There are also things you can do to keep her memory alive as opposed to a loss... writing a letter to her, or having some photos of her, doing something she liked to do. Remember we all have our own ways of dealing with situations, there is not right way or wrong way, only your way.

    Listening to you,

    Tim

    2 people found this helpful
  3. rachealw
    rachealw avatar
    6 posts
    20 April 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim,

    Thank you, I guess sometimes we forget we are only human and how we feel is all but a natural thing just under sad circumstances. I'm sorry to hear about the passing of someone you knew. the did write her a letter to go down with her. I instead read it to her thanking her for the memories we have and acknowledging everything she was to us all. It was a sudden passing and like any other passing who's ever truly ready. You cant prepare yourself to say goodbye

    2 people found this helpful
  4. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    4132 posts
    20 April 2020 in reply to rachealw

    Thank you.

    Something which someone else I does... talks about his mother in the present tense and remains as a continuing presence.

    when things are sudden as you said, unexpected... it may be harder to comprehend and deal with. As I might have mentioned previously, however you are coping with it presently is normal for you. And remember that it is also OK to speak with someone (or here) if you feel you need to.

    Peaceful thoughts to you,

    Tim

    2 people found this helpful
  5. rachealw
    rachealw avatar
    6 posts
    20 April 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    I felt as though I was expected to be strong for those around me and to alleviate some of their pain. But sometimes, in trying to support others, you fail to realize that you need support as well.

    I think this is how I've ended here. Me trying to find answers on forums to help navigate whatever i'm trying to feel or understand within myself and me accepting that it's okay. It's okay to allow even a forum with strangers to listen and help me understand. Death is an inevitable part of life so we shouldn't feel silenced.

    I did see your other topics about distractions and variety & i think it was mindfulness and have found myself understanding ways to help.

    I have now started to do some meditations about human vulnerability and the healing process of grief.

    Thank You.

  6. mocha delight
    mocha delight  avatar
    302 posts
    24 April 2020 in reply to rachealw
    Hi rachealw I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your nan and I wish I had an answer for your question but I’m afraid I don’t sorry. I lost my grandma the week before covid 19 was first mentioned and in that same week I started on antidepressants for the first time in my life so not a great week at all at the time. I’ve also not been diagnosed with anything yet but my gp gave me a psychologist test to do which I scored high in the high section or whatever they call it but she believes I do have depression.
  7. rachealw
    rachealw avatar
    6 posts
    1 May 2020 in reply to mocha delight
    I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your Nan. I'm almost in denial that i'm perfectly fine with a few off days but then i find myself here occasionally refreshing the page hoping I've found the answer i need to make things feel better again. I just didn't know how different you can truly feel afterwards and the after affects is so vividly strong.
  8. mocha delight
    mocha delight  avatar
    302 posts
    1 May 2020 in reply to rachealw
    Hi rachealw thanks for the reply I cried a bit when I was first told & when I mentioned that to my gp but ever since then I’ve felt emotionless & numb which I don’t know if that’s normal or not but anyways I just don’t feel anything towards that subject since those two times or if I ever will which kind of scares me.
  9. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    4132 posts
    2 May 2020 in reply to rachealw

    I hope you don't mind me asking... what answer are you looking for?

    As to how you are supposed to feel ... there is no real answer to that - we are all individual (/unique) so how one person reacts will be different to another. Do you have anyone you can to talk to as a way of support? Also remember that she lives on in you. Each visit she would have some influence on you. And vice versa.

    Perhaps you could write a little more about yourself and what you do? family? Or things you would do with your Nan?

    I hope you have an OK weekend.

    Peace to you,

    Tim

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