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Topic: Dealing with my dads suicide on this Fathers Day

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. Mel-M
    Mel-M avatar
    4 posts
    1 September 2019

    It’s Fathers Day and it has been the first Father’s Day I haven’t been able to spend with my dad.

    he committed suicide just before Christmas, with no warning signs. My whole life I never knew what he was dealing with by himself.

    thats the part that hurts the most, I’m more angry at myself that I never knew, never considered, how selfish of me!

    He left without one last phone call, nothing. And we are left with no closure, I keep reading this letter he wrote over and over and it brings me nothing but confusion.

    He was meant to walk me down the isle in a couple of months. I had just had my second child, he adored his grand children. I don’t understand how he could just leave us like this.

    And now we all have to just try and get on with things, but how do you do that?

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8254 posts
    1 September 2019 in reply to Mel-M

    Hi, welcome

    Grief...people are very limited as to advising how to reduce it. But, having lost my wonderful dad in 1992, I do have some ideas.

    Time, seconds, hours, days are man made. One day is one revolution of our earth but we are the ones that divided that up into 24 hours.

    My point is, if we made the hours and months etc and we made father and mothers day...if we get that into perspective these special days have less significance. All it means is the earth at the same spot in respect to the sun.

    In fact what I do is my grief ebbs and flows regardless of the day. Special days like birthdays, anniversaries and fathers days etc are just like any other day.

    My brother suicided in 1979, my uncle in 2002. My sister is distraught on my brothers birthday. I'm not. He was an Elvis fan I play Elvis songs when I miss him-any day.

    My neighbours son passed away by car accident. His son grew roses. My neighbour took cuttings and grew his roses to make a garden in his honour.

    People distressed enough to take their lives wont be coherent, they wont think logically. They are sadly not focused on such topics.

    Choose a person to walk you down the aisle. It will be an honour for someone to fill his shoes for the day. Be the bride your dad would love you to be. Continue to be the mum he loved in you.

    THOSE STEPS

    Those steps that lead to the church

    Are built for you and dad

    Your fathers arm is ready for your hand

    And you might think it's sad

    But although his steps continued on

    While yours stopped at the door

    He'll be their watching you

    He will never ignore

    He wasnt able to say goodbye

    But his mind was somewhat blue

    Rest assured he'll be there with you

    When you say "I do"

    TonyWK

  3. Soberlicious96
    Valued Contributor
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    Soberlicious96 avatar
    518 posts
    1 September 2019 in reply to Mel-M

    Dear Mel-M,

    Welcome to Beyond Blue, and I want to say well done for reaching out, but I am also so terribly saddened for the reason that you have been brought here.

    It's bad enough when someone we love dies - whether it's sudden or even 'expected' due to physical illness. But when someone takes their own life, it's only natural that we would ask ourselves what we could have done better or differently. What we think we 'should have' known.

    And it's all those firsts that are the hardest. The first Fathers day, the first Christmas, the first birthdays - no matter if it's your birthday or theirs - the first birth that follows ...... grief is the heaviest of all emotions.

    Please don't berate yourself though, for what you didn't know, or for what he didn't tell you. After all, you can't know what you're not informed about. And if he didn't tell you how much he was struggling, or even that he was struggling at all, then how are you, or is anyone meant to know?

    Perhaps reading the letter over and over is not really what you need to be doing right now? Especially if it is just making you confused.

    May I suggest instead, that from now, until at least the 12 month anniversary of his death, that you perhaps set up some sort of 'book-end' type of support for yourself? In other words, the next event that is due to come along, that is one he would have been at or involved in, that you 'book-end' it by talking to someone about what you are thinking and feeling as the event approaches, like maybe a professional person, or some other trusted friend or other family member? And then follow it up straight afterwards with another appointment with the professional or friend or family member to talk about it some more? Or, maybe you could even post on here before and after. Do you think that may at least help you to 'get on with things' a little? That's what I mean by 'book-ending' anyway; getting support before and after in order to get through it.

    Adjusting to life without a loved one is difficult at the best of times, but please remember you are not alone in this. We are here for you and with you for as much as you need.

    Anyway, I don't know if that helps at all, but I hope it does at least a little.

    Take care. I'll be thinking of you ....... and one last thing; I just had to respond because we are almost like 'kin' in that I too am a 'Mel M'!

  4. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    13383 posts
    2 September 2019 in reply to Mel-M

    Hello Mel, my deepest sympathy and sincerest apologies for the loss of your father, this is not what anyone would ever expect but we never know, because mental illness is something that hides away in the cracks of our personality.

    There are no answers as to why and the more you struggle to find them the harder it will be, not only for you but also your family, so try and remember all the good times you had together.

    The first step is to reach out and ask for help and certainly hope we can hear back from you.

    Take care.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff. x

  5. Mel-M
    Mel-M avatar
    4 posts
    2 September 2019 in reply to geoff

    Thankyou for taking the time to respond to my post Geoff.

    Hopefully time will heal the pain we are consumed by and memories will live on

    ❤️

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Mel-M
    Mel-M avatar
    4 posts
    2 September 2019 in reply to white knight

    Thankyou Tony, wow the kindness of people in this forum is amazing.

    your words brought a tear to my eye (good tears), Thankyou.

    my dad Loved his veggie garden, he would share the abundance of produce with the whole town. I plan on keeping that tradition alive with his famous tomatoes and my own veggie patch.

    i hope time heals, it still feels very raw and unbelievable x

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Mel-M
    Mel-M avatar
    4 posts
    2 September 2019 in reply to Soberlicious96

    Thankyou Mel for your kind words, it means a lot that people will go out of their way to write things to help others, it’s very heart warming.

    i do understand what you mean by “book ending”, I have toyed with the idea of some Councelling but have 2 small children I kind of just try to get on with things. It’s just when it’s quiet and my mind starts to wonder that I find myself consumed with the moments leading up to it, the last phone call, the warning signs that we missed. The what if’s...

    now I worry about my wedding day, is it going to be a sad day that consumes me and ruins the day for my partner and our loved ones. I really hope I can keep it together.

    thanks again for your kind words, means a lot ❤️

  8. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8254 posts
    4 September 2019 in reply to Mel-M

    Hi MelM

    I'm glad you liked my poem. I'm hoping now after a few days beyond fathers day that you feel better, at least a little. If so it is an example of how grief ebb and flows and to remind yourself next time you fall into that zone, you will say "hey Mel, it will improve in a little while".

    That self reminder is very hard to do as grief usually strikes us down to the point whereby logic isn't there.

    So try to remind yourself. Also get quotes off google images. google Quotes lost dad, or grief losing father etc. Buy a laminator and hang them on your mirror etc. When you do your makeup you'll be reminded that self motivation is what your dad would want you to exercise.

    All my care

    TonyWK

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