Late in 2018 I lost two family members very close to me. First, at the end of August someone who is like a second father, who has cared for me since I was 6 months old finally passed away after a long hard battle with cancer. I had received messages from my 'sister' days earlier telling me that his health was rapidly declining and that I should come visit him as they didn't know how long he had left. I was so busy with work shifts all over the place that it took a bit before I could organise a time, and I finally planned a day I would go and visit. A couple of nights before the day I had planned to visit, I get a phone call from my niece saying I should come urgently as he was getting even worse. I was prepared to head over there and then, but because it was late at night, we both agreed I would come early the next day.
The next day, as I'm getting ready to head out there I get a phone call from my niece again... in tears telling me he was gone. I'd never experienced the death of someone so close, so I didn't know how to react and my instinct was to be the strong one, and I held it together, suppressing my emotions through everything so that everyone else had someone to lean on.
Fast forward a couple of weeks, I had a holiday I had booked for months to go to Japan. But I don't look at that holiday as a good holiday. As the day after I returned home, my grandfather passed away. A little over a month after my 'Dad' had passed away. I had so much suppressed emotion from his passing that when I found out about my Poppy I broke. I was an emotional shell for months afterward, and I could not sleep.
I didn't catch up with my Poppy (grandfather) right before we left for Japan, even though he wanted to catch up for dinner the night before we went away. He rang me, but I was so busy packing and when I checked the message I had already eaten dinner. So I didn't ring him back even though I had spare time for going out with him, and told myself I would contact him when I get back. I never could. I still have the messages on my phone, saved, so that I could hear his voice.
It's now been a little over a year since they both passed away and I still have dreams and nightmares. I still have so much grief and guilt about losing them both, I feel so guilty about all the times I didn't catch up with them and how distant I was. I don't know what I can do, but I've been so lost since.
I have never experienced this, I don't know what I can do.