From the core of my soul I am beyond sorry for your loss, of your beautiful son. I think as a parent this is as bad as it gets, having your child die by suicide, I understand what you are saying and that it may not have been suicide, that you can't go into details, you have lost your son and that is devastating, totally devastating. You are so brave but so very wise to come here to get some support and some comfort, how do I know that..because here is what is healing me..
12 weeks ago I lost my brother who was 19 to suicide, not only am I grieving the loss of my brother but I guess I am grieving the part of my father that has been lost forever..a totally broken man, I can not imagine the pain, and I don't even think pain is a strong enough word, that you and your husband and my dad must go through everyday...I hope I don't ever have to but the fact you get up everyday and show up to life is amazing.
My brother was an outstanding student, dux of every year level in high school, he went to go on and receive 3 scholarships at Uni and commenced his Chemical Engineering Degree, he had friends, he had a smile on his face, he never looked sad, he was loving and caring and just a regular 19 year old guy who was happy....we now know he was not this person. We were lucky enough to have a letter from him that was pretty detailed and gave us some answers and a little peace, I say lucky in that some people dont get a letter and spend the rest of their lives agonizing over what the reasons where.
I found myself here, trying to find out why, how, what could I have done to save him, why didn't I save him, what did I miss...and then the people of this community started to talk to me, suicide survivors and gave me insight and support, I know know...THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE ON THAT DAY..that he had a plan, that he thought he was a burden, that he wanted to end the pain, not necessarily die, that he did know he was loved, it was not about us it was about the internal dialogue in his head, that how could we help someone who never reaches out or asks for help but presents as "fine", that he loved us, that the noise in his head was too much for him to bear.
You will get support here ChrissyV, you will too see you are an awesome mother and wife and if you could have done something on that day you most certainly would have, your son loved you, you did nothing wrong.
I am so please you are here reaching out and I don't know if I have helped.
Hugs to you