I am having my gallbladder removed within the next 36hrs and I'm just feeling this huge sense of loss and grief.
I have been through substantial health and disability issues for almost a decade now but this will be the first major surgery I have had and it's removing an internal organ.
I've been through so much medically yet needing to have my gallbladder removed, I just feel like I've failed.
I feel like regardless of how faulty my body has been over the years, to need an internal organ removed, it just feels like new level of ill health has been unlocked. It's a line that once crossed, opens the door to other complications and issues.
I could mentally wrap my head around years of physical therapy and various procedures and treatments aimed at making my body more functional with its original parts but now for some critical internal functions to be expected to be functional with an internal organ missing - I just can't help but feel this is the beginning of the end for my health and mortality.
My surgeon was shocked that I was sitting in my wheelchair in his office so calmly, as most patients similar to me would describe the experience as the worst pain they've experienced, even worse than childbirth.
I just feel a huge sense of grief and loss.
The idea of losing my gallbladder is bringing up feelings of grief that I will not feel whole anymore.
I have had people (not my surgeon) say 'oh getting gallbladder out is common, so and so recovered fine, so you'll be fine'.
My own mother has had her gallbladder removed yet my intuition keeps telling me that my surgery and/or life post surgery will bring with it a plot twist.
I've had general anaesthesia multiple times before and spent more time in a hospital room/ward than most 'apprentice' doctors or nurses do (I know they have their own respective titles, I'm just too tired right now and my brain refuses to grant me access to my fancy thesaurus).
Yet there's just something about....
I just figured it out....
(Joys of having studied counselling and able to self induce CBT..)
I'm freaking out over this surgery because it's the first medical situation I've been confronted with where I cannot 'rehab, replace and/or restore' the faulty part of my body in question.
It will be gone for good ... I feel melancholy
A sadness... Grief