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Topic: Grieving for a partner

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Emerald2020
    Emerald2020 avatar
    3 posts
    6 June 2020
    Hello everyone. Two weeks ago, my partner of 9 years died. He had been ill since last year and his death was not peaceful. Shortly before he died, I discovered some unpleasant things about my partner. I wonder if I really knew him and if he really loved me. To make matters worse, there are several toxic adult children from his previous marriage who are making life difficult for me. I find it difficult to grieve properly for the loss of my partner because I'm very confused about the person he really was. Friends advise me to try to remember the happy times in our relationship but I feel betrayed and let down by my partner. Any advice?
    3 people found this helpful
  2. monsie
    monsie avatar
    3 posts
    7 June 2020 in reply to Emerald2020

    I was cut off, I am new in this. But what I was telling you in my previous email: Forgiveness is the key to your peace. Forgiveness for psychopaths, autistic partners. Forgive please.

    Monsie

    1 person found this helpful
  3. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    7688 posts
    7 June 2020 in reply to Emerald2020

    Emerald welcome to the forum. This is a supportive place and you are not alone.

    i am sorry about your partner. It is hard trying to grieve when you have found out about your partner things you didn’t know about him. If you focus on the things you knew about him and grieve for the man you loved.. it is still early days and your grief is raw and hurting.

    everyone grieves in their own way and there is no right way,

    be kind to yourself and take as long as you need to grieve,

    His children are hurting and grieving so give them time.

    feel free to post here as much as you like.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. josh1245
    josh1245 avatar
    173 posts
    8 June 2020 in reply to Emerald2020

    hey Emerald2020 I would like to extend my warmest welcome to this awesome online community and I would like to applaud you for your tremendous strength and courage in asking for help. I would like to say that I'm really sorry about the loss of your partner losing someone you love is so hard but stay strong. I would believe that he loved you very much and whatever you found out about him he would of told you maybe but he got ill and was battling his illness and forgot to tell you. I hope you find peace in that he loved you and didn't deliberately hold information from you.

    hope is all well in the future

    regards josh

  5. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    13229 posts
    8 June 2020 in reply to Emerald2020

    Hello Emerald, I understand how you are feeling and sorry for the loss of your partner, however, when you are confused as to what has occurred it disorientates you, trying to make sense of what's happened.

    All of this depends on whether you have been told or if you have discovered the facts by yourself and wonder if you do have a psychologist to discuss this with.

    It can be very difficult at the moment to try and remember the good times if what you have found out doesn't please you but hope we can hear back from you.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  6. Emerald2020
    Emerald2020 avatar
    3 posts
    8 June 2020 in reply to geoff
    Hello Geoff and thank you for your kind and sensible words. For some reason, I'm having trouble signing into the forum and posting replies, but I'll log in frequently. All the replies that have been posted to my thread are very constructive. I particularly think the comment about "finding out" or "being told" about my partner's secrets is very relevant. I'm glad that I found out before he died and I was able to confront him with my feelings of disappointment. I'd feel more hurt and powerless if I hadn't discovered his secrets until after he'd died. I am having grief counselling but I'm still on a roller-coaster of anger and grief. I'm sure that when I've sorted out the practical issues - his clothes, his papers, etc - that I'll be able to grieve fully. I have very supportive friends, so I'm very lucky in that respect. Thank you. Take care. 💖
  7. Happy Cat
    Happy Cat avatar
    2 posts
    27 July 2020 in reply to Emerald2020

    Dear Emerald, I have been in a similar situation.

    When I lost my partner I was told things that confused me and I found things that confused me. Information to do with possible affairs with other women. I was wracked with feelings of anger, sadness and resentment. These feelings came and went over time in intensity. I had always been loyal to him. I felt betrayed.

    I must say though, that over time, all those bad feelings have dropped away. I don't think about them any more. No-one says anything to me any more. I think what sort of people were they to be so insensitive towards me to say those things at such a hard time anyway? Do I really want them for friends? In fact they dropped away. My true friends have stayed with me. I remember the good things that my partner did for me and I am grateful for the fact that he left me with a house to live in. Human beings sometimes do wrong things but we are all human. At least he didn't leave me homeless. I have had security. I have been able to move on, learn new skills, get higher education and better work opportunities. I have been able to raise our child and she is doing well. It has been a really difficult time for me but one from which I have grown and recognised the many gifts my hardship has bestowed on me.

    I hope you can feel better over time and maybe even have a laugh about it with your friends and family later on. Love is the key. Forgiveness is the key to regaining health and happiness within yourself. Remember you are beautiful and unique and you are here to bless this world with your wonderful energy of love and light.

    Lots of love to you and your family,

    Happy Cat

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