i lost my eldest brother to cancer last year. nobody in my family has been the same since, it has affected every aspect of the world.
i just completed high school, and found myself with the freedom and time to begin to grieve properly. due to covid, there was no funeral or ability to see friends and family in person when he passed.
to be honest it still doesn’t feel real, i’m not sure i will ever truly believe he is gone.
things have been pretty bad, but the past few weeks had not been too heavy due to celebrations graduating and covid restrictions easing.
but today, my dad came home and told me and my other brother that he and my mum had some news. he told us that he has been diagnosed with cancer.
right now i am horribly overwhelmed in every sense, but it just feels like a joke.
last year was hard enough with the loss of my brother, as well as covid, the family dog being put down, and my dad being mutilated in a work accident.
it seems that this is never going to stop. i’ve been suicidal since very young, but with everything that has even happening i find myself wishing for it more.
i feel like i’m already grieving the death of my father who is still alive. we don’t even have enough information yet to know if it is fatal or not. i still find myself grieving.
feelings have been numb for a while, ever since we first found out my brother was diagnosed in 2019. i feel awful because i can’t console the rest of my family because i don’t have the right words to say.
i don’t want to lose my dad how i lost my brother.
and i’m quite scared i will do something stupid myself due to lack of emotions.
i turn 18 in just over a month but i’ve never wanted to live to that age.
perhaps i am grieving for my brother, my dad and myself.
i miss my brother and i don’t want my dad to die.
i am so very sick of this all