I'll start from the beginning. When i was a kid, my biological father abused my mum a lot and never cared about me. My mum left me with my uncle and aunty and they were taking care of me, till i grew old enough to leave the place. But whenever i something wrong, they were physically abusive that they would not realise the negative impact that it would have on me. Sometimes i would even hide under my bed and say to myself "It's better if i die". I could not take it. My getaway was my grandpa's house around the suburb, i'd always go there to feel better. Sometimes i did stupid things but he undestood the fact that i was a kid and he was the only one who never raised his hands on me. I never loved someone so much as much as i did to my grandpa and grandma. When I was 15, i moved to my mum's house, there a lot of things that i did wrong, not listening to my mother while she was a single mother and struggling to work by herself, not helping her and only caring about myself. I wished i was there for her. Recently, my grandpa passed away and there are infinite things that i would like to say to him, infinite things to do for him, infinite things to rectify my mistakes. There are so much things that has happened in my life and it all comes to me in one hit. I call it guilt. I wish i could have done better, i blame myself for his death because i made a promise that i could not fulfill. So far, his death and guilt, especially guilt are the worst pain that i have ever felt in my life. The guilt that i feel feels ike it will never go away. I have ways to amend for the bad choices that i have made but i don't feel that the amount of guilt that i have will go away. My dream is to be a good father and husband when i get married at an older age. Because my mum got abused by the man that never cared about me. I also want to gain as much knowledge as i can. I know that's what my grandfather would want me to do. It's too late to apologise and it would not change what happened in the past. At the moment, i live happily with my mum and her partner, but my guilt outweights my happiness on the outside once in a while. I wish i told my grandpa how much i love him. i wish i did not do make the bad choices that i did in the past. i wish he could see me as the man that i am today, taking responsibility for his actions. I feel guilty every once in a while whenever i feel very anxious and depressed about it. It's very nostalgic. Someone please tell me they undestand.