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Topic: Loosing my mum to suicide

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. ChloeRoslyn
    ChloeRoslyn avatar
    1 posts
    23 August 2019
    Hi everyone.
    I lost my mum to suicide a month ago, she tried to commit suicide when I was 35 weeks pregnant.
    Due to her drug use and mental health I made the hard decision for her to not meet my newborn child, one month ago my mother commited suicide. She left letters and basically blamed me and wrote that I was never going to let her be a grandmother.. I have so much guilt and regrets on not letting her meet my son.
    At the time of my decision I had the right intentions but now that she is gone I am struggling so much.
    I am loosing focus while driving, I seem to not have any confidence I second guess my self a lot which is dangerous behind the wheel.
    I am not one to talk about my feelings I normally "bottle it up", but I know I am not okay. For my son's sake I want to get help, my dad is not around and I only have one sister left.
    My fiance and his family are a great support, I don't have many friends..

    Has anyone been through this before? Have you lost confidence in driving and had bad anxiety in the car I am getting to the point where i do not want to drive and don't want to be in the car at all.
  2. Soberlicious96
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Soberlicious96 avatar
    97 posts
    23 August 2019 in reply to ChloeRoslyn

    Dear ChloeRoslyn,

    Welcome to Beyond Blue, although I must say, I am so incredibly sorry to hear of the dreadful circumstance that has brought you here. Losing someone you love is awful enough, let alone losing them to suicide.

    I too lost my first brother-in-law to suicide, and have lost an unfortunate large number of friends to suicide as well. My username - soberlicious - means that I once upon a time drank a lot, and even though I am now sober, there's about 80% of the people I drank and used drugs with that didn't make it to 50 because they died by suicide.

    And yeah, of course you do the best you can with what you have at the time. As you said "At the time of my decision I had the right intentions" and nobody can see around the corners. Nobody really knows what is coming next. So many people battle with thoughts of suicide all the time and so often, what they want to do is ease the pain once and for all ....... but neither you or I could ever know when that desire to just stop the pain would end in suicide. Not really. I too did what I thought was best at the time for a friend who was struggling with his drinking, and becoming abusive and dishonest, and that was to cut ties with him and try the whole 'tough love' approach ...... but he too died by suicide. Friend number 10 to die that way.

    Losing focus on the present moment is a normal response to an abnormal situation; the abnormal situation being that of your mother's suicide, and the normal response being that of losing the ability to concentrate while driving. Obviously you've been driving and had your licence for some time now, and have driven without distraction before ....... but that was before there was this dreadful thing that happened and came and took over your 'normal' everyday processes and thinking. Plus, it's only been one short little month since this happened, yeah? Grief and loss, and learning to adjust to life without that person is an ongoing process. Take your time and be gentle with yourself.

    You must remember this though; you did not take her life. This is not your fault. She took her own life. Forgive yourself and repeat the following for as long as it takes until you believe it; "I did the best I could with what I had."

    Just take it one little bit at a time, and when driving, give yourself permission to think about and focus on the road. It's okay to have a break from self blame, you know. Take care. xo

  3. Philomena
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Philomena avatar
    19 posts
    30 October 2019 in reply to ChloeRoslyn

    Hi Chloeroslyn

    I offer you my condolences and am sorry to hear about the death of your mum. Understand it must be difficult for you to accept .

    Grief is a normal reaction and everyone grieves differently. There are emotional and physical reactions to grief too some of the emotional reactions are fear denial confusion panic attacks numbness and the physical reactions are head aches body pain palpitation weight gain or loss lack of concentration sweating shaking and also you may feel a sense of withdrawal not wanting to participate in activities these are normal reactions to grief.

    The main thing is to accept the reality of the loss of your mum and this could be done by holding a memorial service in memory of her where friends and family gather, and you need to work through the grief by knowing these feelings are not uncommon to grieving. You also need to adjust to a new environment in which gracey does not exist by sharing your memories of her tell stories about your time together .

    you need to maintain an enduring connection with her though she is not present in your heart and mind and try to develop new skills .

    You may also join a bereavement support group where you will meet others who grieve and know you are not alone they may also have activities you may like to join.

    In case of need you could get help with a bereavement counsellor you may help you cope .

    Dont lose hope and concentrate on your driving and know that though the pain of losing your mum can’t be taken away no matter what anyone says you need to feel and express your pain in order to start processing the loss.

    talk to someone you trust don’t bottle up your feelings it’s not good or get help from a counsellor.

    You will be fine stay positive and you will soon be ok

    Ta

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