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Topic: Losing my dad has impacted my life

15 posts, 0 answered
  1. Kt2215
    Kt2215 avatar
    7 posts
    10 February 2016
    I lost my dad last year and the 1 year of his fathers is creeping up and I'm feeling more and more anxious. I don't want to work, see people or even get out of bed at times. I'm struggling and over eating, not exercising much and self doubting myself constantly. I recently got work and then stopped due to feeling I couldn't do it. I just want to feel normal again. The only thing keeping me going is my dog and new partner. 
  2. pipsy
    pipsy avatar
    2255 posts
    10 February 2016 in reply to Kt2215
    Hi Kt2215.  Sorry to hear about the lose of your dad.  Not sure whether you're female or male, so don't know if you feel right about crying.  Crying seems to come easier to females.  Does your partner understand your lose and grief?  Grieving is a very personal thing to everyone, we all grieve differently.  Some people get angry and lash out, some bottle up and go very quiet.  I feel you bottle up, this is unhealthy, you need to talk about your dad and how you're feeling.  It sounds as though you were very close to him.  Try writing down your feelings of anger because he isn't there, guilt because of anger.  Those two emotions are really strong.  Anger because he's dead, guilt because you're angry and think you shouldn't be.  When my mum died 20 odd years ago, one of my thoughts was, how dare she die and not tell me she was dying?  No-one knows when your time is up, that's part of what makes us angry.  If you could've hung on to him for a few more years, you think it would've prepared you more for his death.  Take some time every day to talk to him, tell him you love him, miss him.  Share your every day life with him.  On the first anniversary of his death, light a candle for him, same on his birthday.  Share with him about your new partner, tell him about your dog.  Tell him you're angry and hurt that he's dead, don't apologize for those feelings, they're real.  You miss him, tell him.  Maybe look at getting some grief counselling to get some guidance on grieving.  It's only been a year, there is no set time to get over grief, take the time you need to heal.  Can you talk to your partner?  They probably won't understand, but if you can, it would help.   
    1 person found this helpful
  3. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11402 posts
    11 February 2016 in reply to Kt2215

    Really sorry about the loss of your dad KT.....I havent been through that yet....

    I have lost my big brother years ago and I do understand what you are going through....

    * If you didnt have these feelings right now.....then you would have a serious problem...really

    * You will feel 'normal' again....you are grieving.....please be gentle to Yourself...

    * Your new partner sounds very supportive...Now thats a Bonus!

    * I have been involved in dog rescue for many years KT...if you want to, tell me about your dog! They are wonderful to have around....there is something about the 'Unconditional Love' they always keep giving :-)

    Kind thoughts for you (with respect for your dad)

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  4. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16480 posts
    11 February 2016 in reply to Kt2215
    dear Kt, my most sincere condolences for the loss of your dad, because when you must have been very close to him, as he
    was to you then it then compounds an enormous amount on you, struggling to find answers to all the questions you ask
    yourself, which unfortunately you never get.
    When we have a dog or any other animal they understand that you are grieving, they know when you are not yourself and
    what they tend to do is follow you around, stay with you, and want to lick you, that's them showing that they care for
    you, so talk to it, cry to it, and give it all the hugs you want.
    If you feel comfortable talk to your new partner, tell him/her that you not looking forward to the coming days, because
    your best friend has passed away, someone who you could always rely on for support, help and advice.
    If you don't want to go to his grave site, for different reasons, then plant someone in your garden, a bush, a tree or
    perhaps a water fountain, where the birds come and visit him everyday and talk to him when you're not able to be there.
    It's not going to be a pleasant day for you, which I'm just so sorry for you, but I do hope that you can find some
    peace which can carry on over the next few years.
    Please reply back to us. Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    11 February 2016

    Hi there kt

     

    I too would like to express my condolences to you with the sad loss of your Dad.  Those weeks and months sure do pass by quickly in the early stages and now before you know it, a year has come by.  I’ve lost both of my parents and it really hurts.

     

    You’ve received some really wonderful responses here already and I hope that by reading them it has helped you – even if just a little.

     

    It was great that you were able to come here and post – even by just posting here, it can have beneficial effects, just by getting things out and not have them bottled up;  it can be kind of a therapeutic effect.

     

    I do hope your partner is supportive and if so, they can be a really helpful person to lean on, a shoulder to cry on or simply just for them to be able to listen to you as well.

     

    Is it possible for you to arrange some time off work – so you can work through this particular time and not have be worried by the additional stress that work is causing for you?  If not, is it possible that you could request a little assistance, again at this particular time, so you can get those tasks done?

     

    Would love to hear back from you.

     

    Neil

    1 person found this helpful
  6. FalseFaceForward
    FalseFaceForward avatar
    1 posts
    16 March 2016 in reply to Kt2215

    Hi, your post spoke to me. I lost my dad last year and tomorrow is his birthday and I'm not coping. It's a bunch of firsts for me, his first birthday not here, first aniversary of his death next week. I just felt a little comforted knowing I wasn't alone in wanting to shit myself off completely. You aren't alone either.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Kt2215
    Kt2215 avatar
    7 posts
    11 December 2016

    Hi everyone,

    Thank you all your replies :). I'm in a way better headspace now. I found a new job, left my partner and am now happy with life. I started running in April this year and joined a running club. I then trained for the melbourne half marathon in honour of my father. I advocated for mental health and shared my story online and with many people and in the local newspapers. I decided to raise money for beyond blue. I posted my runs, healthy eating and self help tips. I changed my diet and became mentally and physically healthier. My mum, step dad, friends and family supported me along the way. I felt the love and support. I stayed motivated and set a target on $700 to raise. I finished my fundraiser in November with a generous amount of support with a total of $3,617.22. I was blown away with the generous support from a small country town of amazing people. I am still advocating today and people are still confining in me and sharing their stories and opening up. Also I havnt been a runner before so completing a 1/2 marathon was a huge thing for me. I knew my dad was there cheering me on to cross the finish line. I saw my mum and step dad and I held back the tears until I hugged them at the end and balled my eyes out. Such an amazing feeling, achievement and way to advocate for mental health and help myself through the loss of my dad from many health conditions.

    My next goal is to compete in the local Tri Athlon :). I'm training now.

    I have many self help skills and advice if anyone would like. I'm also doing my first mental health speech with young teenagers to share my personal life story and self help tips around suicide, depression, anxiety and other mental health conditions. I am also a suicide survivor, have struggled with depression and anxiety for most my life. With regular counseling, exercise, healthy eating and support from family and friends I have managed to become more positive. I still do have my off days too and losing my dad made me realise how short life is and to keep going and support others out there who are struggling too.

    feel free to follow me on Instagram: little00001.

    thank you again.

  8. Kt2215
    Kt2215 avatar
    7 posts
    11 December 2016 in reply to pipsy
    I do let things out just needed to vent. Losing my dad was tough and then to lose my job made me feel quiet depressed. The guy I was seeing wasn't right for me but in hard times we sometimes met the wrong people. Thank you for your reply. I found my way out like I usually do with support from my family and friends.
  9. Kt2215
    Kt2215 avatar
    7 posts
    11 December 2016 in reply to blondguy
    Thanks Paul, yeah I realised now it was grieving process for my father and job loss. The partner wasn't supportive so when I got stronger I was able to move on. Lovely my dog is a Jack Russell X chichuahua she is my everything especially when times get tough. I volunteered at a local animal rehoming group. I'm now focusing on advocating for mental health support around my local community.
  10. Kt2215
    Kt2215 avatar
    7 posts
    11 December 2016 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    i use to be close to my dad when I was little but we grew apart with hurt like hell around the age of 7. He was a severe alcoholic after his back injury at work and also used illegal drugs. Through all this dad developed bipolar, schizophrenia and brain damage and was in homes for years. It was a very tough up bringing and I had to grow up and take care of my dad along with my mums support. It got extremely hard and I had to admit my dad into a psychiatric home. My brother also along with dad using illegal drugs together. I got my dog later on in life which helped me, dad loved her too. Dad started to settle down the last two years of his life with no episodes. Dad died from emphysema being a very heavy smoker was an awful thing to see him struggle for two days but me and my brother stayed by his side until he passed. I feel very blessed to have helped him through. My partner was only a short term relationship and not the guy for me. I have many ways I feel at peace with dad and every year my brother and I release a lily in the river for dad. I now talk to dad wherever I am :). He is now at peace and happier. Thank you for you reply.

  11. Kt2215
    Kt2215 avatar
    7 posts
    11 December 2016 in reply to Neil_1

    Hi Neil,

    Sorry to hear about your loss too. Yeah it goes so quick and then bam you get hit with many emotions every now and then. I have an amazing counsellor I have been seeing for over 10 years and whenever I know I need the help I go back to see him. My running had kept me mentally stable and for the first time in over 15 years I havnt had the winter blues this winter just passed. I had some time off work, manage to get another job after losing my job and got my life back on track. I'm doing very well and have built up a great support network of friends around town to help me in tough times. My family live around five hours away so I needed to get some support system when needed. This town had some lovely people who have helped me heaps. Thank you again.

  12. Kt2215
    Kt2215 avatar
    7 posts
    11 December 2016 in reply to FalseFaceForward

    Hi,

    So sorry to hear about your loss. All the dates that come up like birthdays, date of their passing, Father's Day and other important dates are a struggle. I always have a good cry, spend time with my dog, outside watching the birds and nature. My dad reminds me of a butterfly so whenever i see them I know he is around. I talk to my dad, I talk to my brother, my mum and family and share stories about dad the happy and sad moments. It does get easier overtime which I thought would never come when your in the grieving process. I also read grieving self help books, had regular counseling and fought against my inner demons. I would never self harm myself again or try to commit suicide again either as I realised my life is worth it and I can work through all the past pain and move toward even though I sometimes go backwards. Grieving is a bitch at times but it makes you much stronger when you come out of it. Always seek help when needed is what my mum always helped me do from a young age. Thank you for your reply it meant a lot to me. I feel supported and not alone.

  13. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11402 posts
    13 December 2016 in reply to Kt2215

    Hey Kt

    When I posted to you early this year my dad was with us.

    He passed away 3 weeks ago. Now I really feel your pain....Its a painful rollercoaster ride for sure

    Happy Christmas Kt

    Paul

  14. pipsy
    pipsy avatar
    2255 posts
    13 December 2016 in reply to Kt2215

    Hi Kt. So pleased you're in a happier place now. Sometimes we do have to endure hardship to help us appreciate when things start happening that are good. My dad was a chronic alcoholic/narcissist, but, in spite of everything he did and even though he ignored me, I do miss him. I too latched onto to the wrong people, I needed someone to support me through my darkness and in my grief I thought I had found someone. The person I have in my life now is supportive and understanding, which in a guy is quite surprising. Men seldom understand females (we have problems understanding ourselves), but my friend is there for me whenever I need him. I know there is nothing I can't tell him, he never judges, always supports. Having that, more than makes up for all the bad choices I made. I have a job which I love, my confidence is total. Like you, I am usually in the sun these days, occasionally rain clouds appear, but the sun always returns.

    Lynda

  15. sunny6
    sunny6 avatar
    6 posts
    11 May 2022 in reply to Kt2215
    Dearest Kt2215. I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you. This is a late reply to your post, as you have mentioned you lost your beloved parent in 2015. I believe that the anxiety you have been feeling is a natural grief reaction. I too have experienced this strong emotion after my dad passed. I was in shock and felt anxious, confused, and helpless for a long time after he passed. I hope you have found some healing and relief now. I'm glad you have a dog and partner. My dad passed in 2011, and I still feel very sad to lose him. Kind regards from Sunny6.

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