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Topic: Loss

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Rails
    Rails  avatar
    2 posts
    23 December 2019

    Today I am dealing with a overwhelming sense of sadness and guilt. 7 years ago my sister and I had a falling out over some issues related to her relationship with my parents. It was after being the person stuck in the middle of this constant fighting between them, I cut all ties with both of them for 12 months and didn't allow my children contact with either of them. At the time I said some pretty nasty things to both and felt a massive sense of relief. 1 year on I was able to repair the relationship with my parent but remainded estranged from my sister and then nephew who was 7 years old at the time. I loved my nephew, however I didn't want to engage with my sister which mnt I couldn't engage with him. Over the 7 years of separation I have attempted to repair te relationship with my sister on 5-6 occasions but phone or text and she has choosen to not respond. I've respect this and not pushed after the initial text or call. 1 week ago my nephew was successful in ending his life. I have felt nothing but sadness and loss at this and reached out to both his parents, to express my sorrow for them and also myself. Today my sister made contact with me and and said that I would be happy that my nephew had passed away and that how dare I make this about myself and text her 3 times. I feel guilty that I've made her grief worse and I've clearly misread the situation. I feel helpless and so bad.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    135 posts
    23 December 2019 in reply to Rails

    Hi Rails

    I am so glad that you have reached out here today, welcome to this really supportive community in what it such an overwhelming and extremely emotional time. I am so very sorry that you have lost your nephew and I wish to offer you my heartfelt condolences at this time. There are a few different issues going on here so I have no idea at how emotional and how pained you are, dealing with guilt and grief and sadness all together.

    I totally understand the pain that you have felt from your sister's text, you were trying to reach out to her at a time when you wanted to give your support and love and she has seen it as an attempt for you to use her pain as an avenue to reconnect. Can I say that your sister is going to be experiencing so many different emotions too and that her lashing out at you is potentially apart of her grieving. Not only has she lost her son, which she will be devastated about but when a parent losses a child to suicide there is a whole other layer of pain, which includes blame, at herself perhaps, at her partner, potentially at you, she has to get through a few hurdles to be able to know that she is not to blame and nor is anyone, no one is to blame for suicide, and I hope that she can get some help and counselling to help her through this time.

    That doesn't change the fact that what she said was hurtful but she is in so much pain now that her lashing out is almost expected. Please do not take what she has said to heart, while she still may not want to repair the relationship with you I am certainly sure that she does not think you would be happy about his death.

    I don't think you would have made her grief worse, I don't think that there is anything in this life more painful that a parent having to bury their child due to suicide, so she is hurting beyond words right now.

    I think what you can do it perhaps write her a card or a letter, this is just a suggestion by the way, explaining that in no way did you mean to hurt or pain her anymore that she is already and that you were simply reaching out to your sister, in her time of need, forgetting what has happened in the past and offering a hand to hold. That you are most certainly not trying to address the relationship between you and her, that if she doesn't want to address that it is fine, but you are putting your arm out to hold your sister at this most horrific time.

    I am so very very sorry that your family is going through this, we are here for you.

    Huge hugs


    2 people found this helpful
  3. Rails
    Rails  avatar
    2 posts
    24 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Thanks for your response AS.

    You really did make some important points for my to think about. I was very careful in my attempts to support my sister to make it about my nephew as I also didnt want to make any of this about us or our relationship. (Which may have been a very neiave notion).

    Anyway I have had time to think about the response which i understand was related to her grief and loss, but at the same time now reinforces the behaviours I choose not to subject myself and my children too. I am sad about my nephew, and the pain and unbearable grief this has caused my sister. However it's also important that while understanding her pain and having empathy for her , it's important that I take none of the responsibility for that pain at this particular time. I wish her the most amount of courage and healing and comfort as possible but will not and cannot place myself in a situation where my intentions and kindness are questioned (yes that is about me).


    3 people found this helpful
  4. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    135 posts
    24 December 2019 in reply to Rails

    Hello Rails

    Great to chat to you again, you make some very very valid points also and that is the primary care of you.

    No one on this earth would question the love you have for your Nephew and the sadness you too will have from his passing, however, if the relationship is not to be mended with your sister that has to be. You can only reach out and you can only do so much, and you have done that, if she is not welcoming of the support at this time and cannot reach back, that is on her, you must take care of you and if this is detrimental to you mental health then you must step away.

    Maybe in time she will have the capacity to think about the relationship with you and might contact you, and she may not but you do need to take care of you.

    I am so sorry you have this to think about and have in your life, it really is very hard.

    Here if you need us Rails xx

    Merry Christmas to you and your family xx


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