Welcome to the forum, I am so very beyond sorry for the loss of your partner, I am so glad that you have found this space though and that you have reached our for some support and some comfort here, you are so right, it is an amazing space and so full of love and support and yes, many wonderful and brave stories. In fact, the very reason I credit my healing is partly to this space.
I am wondering if you have sought some grief counselling for this? I know it is not for everyone but I found it so beyond helpful, I want to say I know how you feel, I sort of do, I lost my brother to suicide in July, he was 19 and also a huge surprise to us also. My counsellor was so wonderful and I learnt so much about suicide which helped fill in the gaps about "why", I also learnt how to process the grief and some tools to do that.
My main support was being here and talking and now I find I am here giving the voice my brother never had to try and give others strength. I also found writing so powerful in that I could dump, say the most horrible things, the raw thruths I felt, some of it didn't make sense but it wasn't for anyone else, just me, and I dont really go and re read it, those words get left on those pages.
I learnt that NO ONE could have made the outcome for my brother different on that day, that this was not our fault, as your partner's suicide was not your fault. That this is not about them not feeling loved, it is about ending pain, sometimes pain we know nothing about which is why it is so hard and so frustrating, I would have done anything if he had of reached out, but he didn't.
I think to help with the memories of her you could perhaps get some photos printed of the good times and when she was happy and some things you may have done together that remind you that she was happy sometimes and she did love you.
I totally understand the numbness and the mixed feelings, please don't feel guilt around laughing and having a good day, you are not to be punished for this and you are still here, alive, so you must forge forward to rebuild you. You will not be the same Ez_22 of old, you will always have this as apart of you, but it does not have to define you or dictate your future. Will some great support you can process this and allow yourself some peace.
I am so beyond sorry that you are going through this, it was not your fault, it was not your fault.
I hope to chat to you some more.