Topic: Lost mil, husband away, feeling like I cannot cope

Hi, my husband lost his mum to cancer last week and has had to travel to arrange her funeral. It was sudden and the plan was to return a week later but he has had to stay another week to next Thursday. I am feeling at a loss trying to cope with three children (7, 3 and 10m) at home without him. Very sleep deprived. I am feeling this abysmal pit in my stomach, anxiety and sheer panic that fills the emptiness of time. This happens every time my husband leaves me with the children and it harks back to a deep seated fear of being left behind on my own and I suspect it can be traced back to babyhood when my mother gave me away to my grandmother to care the first 9m of my life. At the moment, I find it impossible to fill the time between sleeps. I also don't know how to support my husband through his grief. When we spoke, he is also not coping. I feel like I am sinking into a pit of depression whilst also contemplating mortality. I knew my mil and my mum recently too completed chemo for cancer. I don't want to burden my husband further with my insecurities and these worries and anxieties as he has enough on his plate atm dealing with family and burial politics.

Hello Leleina,

I'm sorry to read of your mil's death. Everyone grieves in their own way & often can have a variety of responses to the death of a loved one such as sadness, anger, confusion etc. Simply listening to your husband if he feels the need to talk about his mum or his sense of loss will be beneficial for him, you can also share happy memories of his mum with him.

Are you getting any professional help for your fears/anxieties, if not may I suggest you speak to your GP about it. Most GP's are quite good at dealing with mental health issues & can refer you to counselling if needed. If you don't feel comfortable discussing it with your GP, then ringing the BB help line would be a good first step.

Paws

Hi Paws thanks for your reply. Yes I have made a mental note to listen when he comes home and not make it about me.. yes I have a gp appointment for the first week of Nov, I'm going to seek a recommendation see if there is something Medicare can cover... apart from these steps, I still get bouts of despair sinking inside passing time doing the routine chores. I feel like I might explode one day.
And so very tired.
Thank you taking the time to respond, Leleina

Hi Leleina,

I'm so glad you are taking the first steps to get help for yourself. November is still a little way off, so if you want to chat or express how you are feeling please don't hesitate to pop back here. This is your thread where you can freely say whatever you are feeling without fear of judgement. Of course don't forget the help lines if you need immediate support. The BB No. is 1300 224 636

Paws

Thank you.

I am counting the days until he is home but I am still feeling like I am swimming, swimming. And I have become anxious when he gets home too and how to deal but I will endeavour to listen more. I just need to cope the next four days. The spaces in time... too large to fill. Swallows me up. Breathe. I keep writing my thoughts down. Helps me I think.

Hello Leleina, it's not easy being apart from your husband in times like this and I totally sympathise with both of you, because being apart from each other doesn't enable either of you to get the connection you both desire.

What your doctor can do is put you on a 'mental health plan', this will entitle you to 10 Medicare paid sessions with a psychologist per year, then they will be able to counsel you, so please ask them.

Our thoughts are with both of you and please let us know how you are going.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Thank you Geoff.

Yes it is really messed up 😭 I'm not doing well today. I know they are having the church service today. But I am unable to reach out and I am feeling very selfish about my feelings. I think it is unfair to further burden him with my insecurities esp when he is grieving.

What is wrong with me!!!!

Thank you for suggesting the mental health plan I'm going to do that. I got quite upset today and am now trying to get the kids to sleep hopefully tomorrow will be better. I hate feeling like this! I wish I was stronger. All these negative thoughts keep swimming in my head.

Sigh. Time is killing me slowly. I'm sorry I need to let this out. On the outside I appear fine but I am dying inside. Does that make sense?!

Hello Leleina,

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. Yes it does make sense & there is no need to apologise. Lass what you are feeling has nothing to do with needing to be stronger or being wrong or being selfish. Anxiety/depression etc are illnesses & like any illness they need medical treatment. As with many other conditions that can be some form of therapy or meds or both.

You mentioned that you were writing your thoughts down, that is a strategy many people find helpful. Some people keep a journal so they can look back & see any changes or patterns/triggers. Some find writing down helpful thoughts, nice things that happen, along side the negative thoughts can help.

If you find the negative thoughts running over & over again....one thing that can break the cycle is to focus on something......really really focus. You can focus on your breathing.....focus on it going in your nose....feel it filling your lungs.... feel your muscles move in response.... now feel yourself exhale...feel that pause before you take your next breath......now again giving every part of it your full attention.

There are many things you can use to focus....do some colouring in.(how hard are you pressing/how the pencil feels/what colour/getting even coverage etc) ....list how many things you can see/hear without moving your head.....stretching (start with you toes & work up stretch then release one lot of muscles at a time).... plus lots more.

I hope you manage a restful nights sleep

Paws

Hello Leleina, what you have said makes sense and as Paw Prints says 'no need to apologise'.

What happens to us inside ourselves is different from how we may appear to other people.

It's good that you have vented.

Geoff.