I am so beyond sorry at the loss of Wilby, what an absolutely horrific time this must have been for you and for your family. I really cannot even begin to even put thoughts together let alone words as to how this must have been for you. I need you to know though that you did nothing wrong here. I cannot see one part of that scenario in which you were to blame. That could have been anyone in your family who put him in and out of the car, that could have been any one in your family that fed him his bottle. You noticed he was a little lethargic and you took him to his mother.
I know that no matter what anyone says or anyone does you feel the guilt of Wilby's passing and I can totally understand that. I hope though that there is some tiny part of you that does know you are not to blame here, you were not at fault.
I am so glad that your daughter is supporting you and encouraging you to get some help, it is not easy to do but you did it. Just as in life we don't always connect with everyone so too we don't always connect with the people who are to give us medical help. Can I ask you though to keep trying, to keep going until you find someone to help you through this. They are out there.
I just do not want you to be robbed of the most precious thing which is being a grand parent, you deserve to love and to spend time with your grandchildren without the fear and the pain and the worry that you carry with you today. You have a right to take care of them and know that you can, that you are capable and that what happened that day with Wilby is no indication of your ability to love and take care of them.
I lost my brother last year and I know the train of thought of "what if's". It has taken me some time and still to this day I have to sit with it as there is nothing, absolutely nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome of that day. I am wondering if you will allow yourself to have this peace too? You did all you could, you did what you thought best, how could anyone ask for more?
Grief is a journey and there are so many different elements and no rule book. Please allow yourself to grieve Wilby at the same time as you forgive yourself. There is no time frame and no one can tell you how to do it, but it is important you go through the journey.
Reach out to us, we are here for you.
Keep searching for a counselor that you connect with, it makes such a difference, it really does.
Hugs to you Harpbird, my heart is heavy for you