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Topic: Re:No goodbye

2 posts, 0 answered
  1. JJJ103
    JJJ103 avatar
    1 posts
    23 October 2020
    So last Thursday I received a message from someone outside the family saying my dad was in hospital.
    They later in the night told me he had 3-5 days left to live.
    So I decided to go in first thing in the morning with my son.
    Unfortunately the next morning, I received a message from my dads aunt saying he had passed.
    I rang the hospital and asked for a viewing, was told the social worker would call me back.
    Fourty minutes later she did, and said I couldn't because of covid (my dad didn't die from covid).
    Anyhow I later found out that my mother and brothers had been in at around that time.
    I also found out that my father had carried a picture of my son and I in his wallet and had been begging the hospital to contact us, but because of my mother saying not to contact me he was denied that last wish.
    I should state that both my brothers are intellectually disabled.
    And that my mother and daughter teamed up about three years ago so that my daughter could get her own centrelink payment (just before her 17th birthday,) unfortunately I work full time so she couldn't get a full payment unless she had to move out of home. So as a family we were divided, I couldn't forgive them for the way if all went down.

    Then I had to get my mother's permission to have a viewing at the funeral home. I was granted a closed viewing. I was misled about there being a funeral/service and was sent photos afterwards. Unfortunately the coffin is completely different to the one we seen. I accept it was my dads time to go, but the lies have added extra unnecessary harm to my son and I.
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8366 posts
    23 October 2020 in reply to JJJ103
    Hi, welcome
    I'm really sorry about your dad. I hope he rests in peace.

    Some people in this world mistreat others. What is important here is that it is your values, your tolerance and your future that is your yard stick. Other people's views are not that important.

    Regardless, if you decide these family members are not worth having any relationship with then you'd need to cut ties.

    It is a difficult decision but once ties are cut, life can be much more enjoyable. The main problem with that course is that it usually takes many years before one can close the door completely. It took me 12 years to finally shut the door on my daughter for example. She can't hurt me now.

    The other message I want to relay is your relationship with your dad. Nobody can damage your live for him nor visa versa. My attitude would be- they can do anything to shut me out of procedures, coffin choices etc, but they can't ever erase you from your dad's love. Let them play their games. If you play with them, they win.

    So if that is your course there's something else to consider. I erased my toxic mother from my life 10 years ago. Since then there's two older ladies that have grown in my life to be mother figures. Next mothers day I'm planning to deliver flowers to one of them. They have no children and have photos of me in their home- seemingly everywhere.

    "You can't pick your family" they say...yes you can.

    Ps...its clear you've been a good daughter to your dad

    TonyWK
    2 people found this helpful

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