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Topic: Sudden and un expected death of my dad

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. beckboo29
    beckboo29 avatar
    5 posts
    29 September 2019

    It started off as a normal day until the horrible screeching of my mum on the other end of the phone.

    63 years old died suddenly at home why hanging out the washing. So young so much more to do with his life he was still working full time.

    My dad was my everything a hero my mr fix it my best friend. I feel like I’ve been short changed, my son is 15 month and loved his pa so much. Not to see him grow up with my dad breaks my heart.

    My mum suffers from anxiety I'm the only one holding her together. There’s so much pressure on me, I have my own problems my own grief. I didn’t really get to say a proper goodbye at the funeral I couldn’t carry the coffin or get up to make my own speech at the funeral as I had to help mum.

    Im not resentful, I just feel sad that I could not do theses tasks like my brother and sister. There is too much pressure I just can’t breathe because of all the paperwork, finances issues and arrangements.

    I feel numb, tired and I just want to understand why! Just why my dad, and why know! There are so many in answered questions.

    So much I want to say to him. does it get easier?

    1 person found this helpful
  2. RabbitsRule
    RabbitsRule avatar
    5 posts
    29 September 2019 in reply to beckboo29

    Hi beckboo29

    so sorry to hear about your dad he sounds like an amazing person and a great grandfather to your son, I know how it feels to loose someone close to you. I lost my mum at the start of this month, she was only 41. Her death was also sudden. Im only in high school and loosing her was really hard. It will take a long time to heal and having support by others is very helpful. Take it Day by day. Something I believe that it’s an awful nightmare and that none of its real my mind just can’t imagine living without my beautiful mum

    I hope this helps. My deepest sorrows to you and your mum.

  3. beckboo29
    beckboo29 avatar
    5 posts
    30 September 2019 in reply to RabbitsRule

    Thank-you for your kind words RabbitRules.

    Im so sorry for your loss of your Mum. It must be so hard, I hope you have lots of supportive friend and family.

    One day at a time is great advice. it’s just the numbness, and the still expecting his call or txt.

    do You have questions that no one can answer. I constantly just ponder in my thoughts.

    x

  4. RabbitsRule
    RabbitsRule avatar
    5 posts
    30 September 2019 in reply to beckboo29

    Hi beckboo29

    i still do often turn to say things I would only want to tell my mum, or when I come home to tell her about my day. When I first heard the news I felt numb, I just didn’t know what to think about it. I always wonder why it happened to us. We were living so nicely. Does the moment of you being told about your dad repeat in your mind??

  5. Soberlicious96
    Community Champion
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    Soberlicious96 avatar
    468 posts
    30 September 2019 in reply to beckboo29

    Dear Beckboo,

    I am so sorry to hear of the sudden loss of your Dad. It's so awful when someone dies so suddenly like that. All the questions as to 'why them' and 'why now' ...... it's normal to think that way, and to feel so numb and so shocked.

    I have lost a number of people in my life whom I loved, and one of the hardest was when my best friend was killed in a car accident. That was back in 1991 and she was just 22 years young. To this very day I can still remember getting the phone call. I had no idea how I would ever 'get over' losing her. But I've come to realise that 'getting over it' is not the right term. Well, not for me anyway. I think it's better to say that I slowly learned to build my life around this 'new' life I now had to face without my best friend at my side.

    I also lost my Mum in 2012 to cancer. And I still have days when I want to call her and share my news with her. She too was my best best friend, and even though she was sick and I knew her death was imminent, I still went into shock and numbness.It's like your whole world has stopped, and you can't believe why people would still be doing things like talking and driving and just doing the day-to-day life stuff. It's like you want the whole world to STOP right there with you, and just help you to breathe in and out, because all of a sudden it hurts to breathe.

    The only thing I can suggest is to just take it moment by moment. And if all you can do is breathe in and out, then just do that. It's gonna take quite some time to get used to not having him around. Be extra gentle with yourself, and don't let anyone put any kind of 'time limit' on your grief. It takes what it takes.

    Perhaps you could write your Dad a letter and take it to his graveside and read it out to him? Do you think that might help? After all, his spirit will be forever alive in your heart. It's his body that is gone, but his soul is a part of you and always will be.

    Anyway, in the meantime you can come back here as much as you like, for as long as you need to.

    Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

  6. beckboo29
    beckboo29 avatar
    5 posts
    30 September 2019 in reply to RabbitsRule

    Hi Rabbitsrules

    I have dreams about the moment I have even dreamt that he survived and we were sitting next to his bed at the hospital.

    The single second of been told goes around in my head daily. Some times I even try to think how I reacted to hearing the news.I remember been told but I just don’t remember much of the rest of the conversation or how I reacted

    Xx hope your ok, big hugs. Please keep reaching out I’m here. Xxx


  7. RabbitsRule
    RabbitsRule avatar
    5 posts
    30 September 2019 in reply to beckboo29

    Hi beckboo29

    the moments of my dad telling me my mum has passed. Plays over and over I remember feeling this wave of shock just not knowing how to react or to feel. I felt numb. My mum passed unexpectedly on a Monday morning she had gotten up to start the day like usual and said good morning to my sister. I remember waking to this loud thud on the floor. Then my sister yells out mum. She didn’t respond. We hurried to get dad who was in the shower. While my mum lay their on the floor making this awful sound I will never forget. The ambulance crew arrived we were all terrified. My dad left and I want to school. Trying to destract my mind when I was called to the office. I knew the moment they called me why. My dad took my sisters and I to a quite location in our home town and told us the news...... it was heartbreaking. I had never seen my grandma cry as much as when she was told. We later found out that their was no chance of my mum living. Though i don’t have the courage to ask my dad why it happened medically.

    I always wonder was my mum in any pain as her last moments came to an end? A question never to be answered

  8. RabbitsRule
    RabbitsRule avatar
    5 posts
    30 September 2019 in reply to RabbitsRule

    The last thing I said to mum was goodnight.... it was Sunday night and mum went to bed earlier then usual she kissed me on the head and went to sleep

    I still feel that kiss on my head like it’s real and my mum is kissing me

    I was his angel and now he’s my angel.

    that was a quote I read.

    i hope this helps :)

  9. beckboo29
    beckboo29 avatar
    5 posts
    1 October 2019 in reply to RabbitsRule

    Hey RabbitsRules,

    this sounds like you have a lot of time to think like me. You are very brave telling your story. Hold those good memories close to your heart.

    As for asking your dad questions, it’s ok to ask, he might have an answer or might not. I was told my dad wouldn’t of been in pain with his heart attack and I just hope and believe that’s the truth.

    Medically for dad there was no real answer as to why. I hope you are ok. X

    One day at a time,

  10. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    3724 posts
    1 October 2019 in reply to beckboo29

    Hi beckboo29 and all,

    So sorry to hear about your loss. In one of my roles I work as a parish admin and frequently deal with people like yourselves in getting funeral matters sorted (part thereof). Some people are numb to what has happened. Some disbelieving. Some strong. Some not no. There are no words that I could say which reduces the pain you would feel. Grieving is an individual thing and takes as long is it needs to. One person I could say borrows from eastern ideas and talks of his mother in the present tense, maintaining a continuity of sorts.

    To beckboo29 - you felt you did not say a proper goodbye? If you will permit me to say... You might not have given a speech or carried the coffin out, but you did something just as important which was to look after your mum. As for proper goodbyes, you could write a letter, or do something that mattered t both him and you. It might not be public but ... his memory will live in and through you.

    Tim

  11. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    12882 posts
    2 October 2019 in reply to beckboo29

    Hello Beckboo, I posted a reply yesterday but it has not been accepted, so I hope those above me have been able to give you some peace.

    Can I say with all my heart I'm just so terribly sorry for the loss of your father and really hope all the very best for you and your family.

    My Best.

    Geoff. x

  12. Philomena
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Philomena avatar
    30 posts
    8 October 2019 in reply to beckboo29

    Hi beckboo29

    Sorry to hear about your dad . Grief is a normal reaction and everyone grieves differently.

    I understand you must be sad, angry, upset and numb with the passing away of your dad. Grief has to it many emotional reactions and you may feel a sense of denial, fear, lonlieness, also physically you may have symptoms of headache, body ache, sweating, panic attacks ,breathlessness and withdrawal but these are emotional reactions to grief everyone faces.

    The main thing is to accept the reality of the grief by attending a memorial service and work through the grief have an enduring connection with your dad even though he is not present in heart and mind by sharing his memories, biographies and try to develop new skills and new friends and carry on with life.

    The pain of the loss of your dad can never be taken away no matter what anyone may tell you.

    You could have a memorial service in honour of your dad where relatives and friends gather and share his memories.

    This may help.

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