I am so sorry l.h that you have to go through this, my heartfelt love to you at this time. While all our pain is different, I totally understand the feeling, a bit about me: I lost my 19 year old brother to suicide in July. We had no idea that he was suffering with depression and anxiety and that he was going through some many mental and emotional battles. So his passing was a total shock and something I can tell you I never thought I would have to experience in my life, so I am here with you, to share what I have done and what I do to try to see that there is life and there is happiness after suicide.
6 weeks ago is still so very very soon and you must allow yourself whatever time and space (COVID-19 is giving you that) to get through the many different faces of grief. There is no text book to this so that is why it is so bloody hard, some days you feel horrendous like you just can't take another breath and then days that you feel quite good and have some fond memories, then the guilt comes for feeling good, there is a journey to go on to process this l.h, and I am just so very sorry that you have lost your soul mate, your best friend and someone a piece of you. Your friend will always be with you in your heart and in your memories, and that is something to acknowledge too, that she did have good times too, that her battle with life was also filled with good times. I think it is good to know that she wasn't always in pain and that she did have joy in her life. At the start of my grieving I tended to focus on how bad my brother must of been feeling and how bad life was, but when I sort some counselling I learnt so much, that we need to acknowledge the good times and that there was laughter and fun and joy in her life.
The answer to sum up my wellness journey is part a: being here and talking and learning (soo much) and sharing, then part b:seeking some grief counselling, to learn to share and fall apart with support. I hope that you will consider some grief counselling as it really helped me get to a point of being able to cope.
I am so sorry you have lost your friend l.h, there are no words that will make it better, there is just time, which I also believe does not heal all wounds, it just makes it different, and manageable..I also wrote a journal, it was raw, it blamed, I was angry and sad and let it all out, it was for no one else to read, just me, more on that next post running out of characters...
Huge hugs and love to you