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Grief and loss

Support following the bereavement of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

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by Doolhof
21 hours ago

Topic: Unexpected loss of my dad, my best friend. Feel I should have done more.

  1. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1552 posts
    9 January 2021 in reply to pl515p1

    Hi pl515p1

    To hear that you are struggling more than ever now leads me to wish I could make even the slightest difference to you, taking you a little here and there outside of the everyday cruel torture you're facing.

    I've been thinking of you as I watch a new and fascinating series on Netflix. It's about a combination of things such as near death experiences, connecting with people after they've passed and a host of other things. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but I do find it fascinating. One of the episodes is about 'signs' from loved ones, that they are still around. I've heard it said before that if someone wishes for a sign, they have to ask for it, so that they know what to look for. While some may say 'Your attention is going to shift to always looking for this sign, so of course you're going to find it. It's just coincidence', I have heard some amazing stories that would leave you scratching your head as to how such an occurrence was possible (some truly bizarre events taking place). I know one guy who I would regard as one of the blokiest blokes I know and devout skeptic of anything paranormal. A couple of events that happened after his mother's passing some years ago left him somewhat of a believer in signs.

    The reason for me putting such an outside the square concept to you is based on the fact I want to give you something to look forward to, other than passing to meet with your dad.

    It is said that signs can come in dreams too, when the brain is relaxed and not busy thinking. Whether it's the dream where your dad is reaching out to you, before you wake up, or the latest dream which involves him sitting you down to eat something, which you really do need to do, I can't help but wonder whether there's something more meaningful to these dreams.

    It can't hurt to consider asking for a sign :)

  2. pl515p1
    pl515p1 avatar
    47 posts
    14 January 2021

    I wish I had good news to post but, sadly I was contacted today by someone on behalf of my brother, to inform me that my mother passed away earlier in 2020 and....and my brother is very sick, that explains why he did not respond to my letters.

    After losing dad September, and now finding out my mother too has left, I don't know what to think, what to do, or where to turn anymore.

    The respondent informed me that due to mum's passing, and my brother's illness they do not wish to initiate contact at this time....they told me they included some photos in the letter but there were none, I messed up so many times, I had 12 or more years to make contact, too busy with petty insignificant shit, wasting my life, taking dad for granted, always thinking there would be more time, oh we'll go fishing next week dad, next week I'll come see your work, I'll come with ya to the footy but I have to do something else, blah blah blah blhaa.

    I was a grown man, but only in appearance, inside I was a child, living in some fantasy world where dad was always there for me, I was such a heavy burden on him, I was an anchor around his neck, he should have left me when I had my issues, he stayed with me, let me move back home when I was broken, but he should have moved away and lived free, he was only 69, he should be retired now living it up with grandkids but I screwed it all up for him.

     

    When he told me that he saw my auntie, mum's sister, a couple of years ago I should have immediately tried to reconnect, but I was too caught up in my own selfish world, took it all for granted, now I have lost everything and I am alone.

    So now I know why dad won't take me when I pray at night, I am here to suffer, I am in purgatory...

    I'm glad I got to speak with dad's brother one last time, I only wish the border's allowed me to travel to him, but that was only a dream, now I understand, I am paying the price for my selfishness...take everything I love away from me, but you won't take me, how cruel, this is just...

    When can I wake up from this, this all cannot be real, a few short months ago I was about to restart my life and dad was excited about my future and grandchildren, now I have no life to go back to...no no no no, this can't be real, nah, I can't do this. It's just, it nah this no.

  3. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3918 posts
    14 January 2021 in reply to pl515p1
    Hey pl515p1,

    Thank you so much for reaching out to your friends on the forums during such a difficult time. We are incredibly sorry to hear of this news of your mother and brother, and can hear how much pain this must be causing you. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and our caring community are here to help support you through this. We are also currently reaching out to you privately to check in with you and offer some extra support.

    We think it might really help to talk through what's on your mind tonight with one of the kind counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636), or also our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14). During overwhelming moments like these, please know that these services are available as often as you need, night or day- there's always somewhere to turn to and someone to talk to. We're all here for you, pl515p1. 
  4. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1552 posts
    15 January 2021 in reply to pl515p1

    HI pl515p1

    I so wish I could be there in person for you at this time.

    I've been trying to think of what to say under such circumstances of overwhelming grief, deep regret and incredible disappointment. I wish I could say something to help put things into perspective but can relate to the fact that at certain times in life, when painful emotion seems to be all there is, pain feels like it is the only reality, the only perspective. This leads me to suggest discussing with your counselor the idea of seeking out a grief counselor, someone who manages the challenges of grief, specifically. I imagine such a person deals with helping make sense of what basically just doesn't make any sense (the suffering, the exhaustion and the process of coming to re-identify our self in so many ways).

    It's heartbreaking to hear you now identify yourself in such a brutal way. That self is who you were, based on a number of factors. That self is not who you are. You and your dad worked hard to bring you to meet with who you have become, the person who matured beyond your old ways. If you were ask me to describe my own nature between the ages of about 15 to 30, I would have to say misguided, self serving, thoughtless, cold in some ways, somewhat of an alcoholic and just basically lost and depressed. I have come far and know that, no matter what, I cannot reflect on who I was back then, for another depression would be the result. I cannot look back without expecting to suffer greatly, through brutal regret and self chastisement.

    Hindsight can be an incredibly cruel thing. It can fill us with a lot of 'If only...' and 'What if...' thoughts that can become mind altering and torturous in the worst of ways. It can have us living in the past, constantly imagining ways of reshaping it but, of course, this is not possible. It can also have us living in a future that is also impossible; a future where we imagine how things could have turned out. It is said that the only real moment is now, the past is a memory and the future has not yet happened. Again, this leads me to suggest exploring grief counseling, where there is guidance when it comes to how to mange the present when, in the present, all there seems to be is pain. It may sound a bit trite but we can only ever master our self in the present moment. Perhaps the question is 'What do you wish to master of your self?'

    Be kind to yourself as the temptation to reflect remains present in your life. I know, hard to fight this temptation.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  5. sunnyl20
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    sunnyl20 avatar
    134 posts
    15 January 2021 in reply to pl515p1

    Hello pl515p1,

    I am so sorry to hear what has happened. I cannot imagine the pain and distress that you continue to go through. It sounds like you are in a very dark place. I have to agree with therising though, it is difficult to hear you describe yourself in such a harsh way, you are very cruel on yourself, I feel that must only compound your grief and hurt. In the details you have mentioned in previous posts, you come across as a very caring and sensitive person. You are not selfish, you are worth so much more than you think. It is easy to criticise ourselves for what we should or could have done in the past, but it can become all consuming and can be damaging and unhelpful to fall deep into that hole. Do you have an appointment with your counsellor in the next week?

    If you feel up to it, I would really encourage you to also reach out to one of the phone helplines available (Lifeline on 13 11 14 or GriefLine on 1300 845 745 (12pm-3am)).

    You are not alone, I know the forum is not the same as having someone physically with you, but we are here for you - to listen and support you. We do care. Please be kinder to yourself, you do not need to beat yourself up. Take care.

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