I wish I had good news to post but, sadly I was contacted today by someone on behalf of my brother, to inform me that my mother passed away earlier in 2020 and....and my brother is very sick, that explains why he did not respond to my letters.
After losing dad September, and now finding out my mother too has left, I don't know what to think, what to do, or where to turn anymore.
The respondent informed me that due to mum's passing, and my brother's illness they do not wish to initiate contact at this time....they told me they included some photos in the letter but there were none, I messed up so many times, I had 12 or more years to make contact, too busy with petty insignificant shit, wasting my life, taking dad for granted, always thinking there would be more time, oh we'll go fishing next week dad, next week I'll come see your work, I'll come with ya to the footy but I have to do something else, blah blah blah blhaa.
I was a grown man, but only in appearance, inside I was a child, living in some fantasy world where dad was always there for me, I was such a heavy burden on him, I was an anchor around his neck, he should have left me when I had my issues, he stayed with me, let me move back home when I was broken, but he should have moved away and lived free, he was only 69, he should be retired now living it up with grandkids but I screwed it all up for him.
When he told me that he saw my auntie, mum's sister, a couple of years ago I should have immediately tried to reconnect, but I was too caught up in my own selfish world, took it all for granted, now I have lost everything and I am alone.
So now I know why dad won't take me when I pray at night, I am here to suffer, I am in purgatory...
I'm glad I got to speak with dad's brother one last time, I only wish the border's allowed me to travel to him, but that was only a dream, now I understand, I am paying the price for my selfishness...take everything I love away from me, but you won't take me, how cruel, this is just...
When can I wake up from this, this all cannot be real, a few short months ago I was about to restart my life and dad was excited about my future and grandchildren, now I have no life to go back to...no no no no, this can't be real, nah, I can't do this. It's just, it nah this no.