Topic: Introducing mmMekitty

There's enough room on my maroon bedspread - provided you don't want the middle bit! 😺

If you feel extra cold, there's a blanket down the end.

More tomorrow, 🙀

mmMekitty 💤at leat I hope so... I just can't tand sitting anymore.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️They just keep spreading!

mmMekitty

Hi mmMekitty and Mum Chris, Croix

Even just with my partial vision loss I bump into people in shopping centres so I can understand how hard it must be for you to get out mmMekitty.

Where I live they have a social meet up group for people who are vision impaired, they meet at the local senior citizens centre and have a cuppa and activities, such a good idea!

I wonder if there is anything like that where you live?

Making friends gets difficult as we get older, but casual friendly meet ups with people can be a real help even if you don't become close friends.

Here that's why many of us take our dogs to the dog park - it's about the chats with the other dog owners as much as about exercising the dogs!

Nice to finally say hello to you Mum Chris!

🙂🐶🐾🐾🐕🐩🦘🐦🐥🕊️🦉

Oh, let's try that again. 😸

I was editing typos, wherein I had misplaced one hand on the keyboard, & nonsense appears...

I was trying to type: "Good morning everyone!"

Thank you Hanna, for the wonderful menagerie!😺They ought to keep me from sleeping in tomorrow morning. More tests/scans.

I don't like second guessing everything, because my memory is so uncertain, because usually I'm not taking in as much as I think I did when talking to my GP or other specialists, at the time. I can't actually verify if her notes are detailed & accurate, either. I have to TRUST. (Eeek!!)

I'm pretty sure, I'm getting some blood taken, (drink more water today!), to see how the hormone blocker is going, & I'll have bone density scan, more or less to get a base measure.

I'll have to be up & ready to go by 8:15. I'll have to be more aware of the time tonight, so, unlike last night/early this morning, I will go to bed at a more reasonable time.

I will need to decide what I'm wearing, & I will have a shower later, then get everything I want in my bag, water already filled ready to grab, put my hat & dark glasses near the door, next to my cane, too. Last thing I want is to be looking for something at the last minute. (or half hour, even.).

& I want to make some more bikkies today, & take a couple with me tomorrow. 😺

& of-course, I need to be sure my phone is charged, that is, no plugging it in & forgetting to flip the switch to allow power to flow through to it!

Then there is another booking to get a lumbar injection Thursday, according to my notes. I hope that one works well.

I feel tired just thinking about this week.

mmMekitty

Dear mmMekitty

I thought your previous post might have been deep and meaningful. A symbol representing part of life's struggle perhaps in much the same way as a semi-colon tattoo does :)

(For those of you unsure founder of the movement Amy Bleuel said the semicolon was chosen because in literature a semicolon is used when an author chooses to not end a sentence. You are the author and the sentence is your life. You are choosing to continue.”)

How's that for a walrus factoid :) OK, so you know about it before :(

Actually you sound as if you were facing a pretty busy day and week, also that you were very organized and prepared.

By now you would have had day one - how are you going?

Croix

Hi Croix,

I like this:

"... founder of the movement Amy Bleuel said the semicolon was chosen because in literature a semicolon is used when an author chooses to not end a sentence. You are the author and the sentence is your life. You are choosing to continue.”)"

Haven't heard that before, nor about the semicolon tattoo.

I do like to use semicolons, even they are not at all popular in modern writing.

For me it is somewhere between a comma & a full stop, but is not a dash or colon.

*

Very tired & legs bothering me - looks like the injection is not until Thursday. I don't know how many times I was thinking it was included in today's scans & tests. They were a bit mixed up about a couple things, but sorted them out. & then one person doing an ultrasound on one bit of me, said he had time to do another which was booked for after lunch, so I was finished early.

I don't know why these things are so exhausting. Only thing I can think is it may be because I feel on edge, scared something might trigger me, a touch or how my body needs to be positioned the hands on me, those things. I try to have a little mental shield, so that may be part of my exhaustion afterwards.

& that I woke at 3:30 this morning, (I just remembered), might have something to do with it, too.

By the end, I was struggling to remember exactly which tests & scans I just had, & wasn't sure if I had one the receptionist asked about. Another admin error?

*

I've tried sleeping some, & did, nodding off really, & waking after a few minutes at a time. So, I am still tired.

*

Hi Hanna! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ to you & San

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️&to you, Croix, Mrs C & Sumo,

& to everyone❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I forget who I see on who's thread!!! I want to say 'hello' to everyone, & give you all some loving comfort, whether your mood is low, or it's arfing cold, or you ar lonely, or whatever you might want or need ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️for.

mmMekitty

Hello Dear mmMeKitty, Croix, Hanna and everyone....🤗.

It’s Good that most of your medical tests and procedures are done...I feel the same when I visit my Cardiologist..very tired and exhausted...I put it down for me, to be my anxiety...My over active thoughts and my over active hands and legs...I cannot sit still while I’m in the waiting room...it could be your high anxiety is causing you to be exhausted after your appointment/s are finished....that’s when I seem to relax a bit...and the exhaustion takes over me...

Maybe, ask the receptionist to write out what scans and tests you need doing and tick them off after they are done...that way the ones not ticked off are the ones that you still need to do...I have a terrible memory when I’m highly stressed/anxious...

I have heard the word semicolon before but not sure what or how...even what it looked like😂...I googled it up and now am a little bit more educated and “smarter” in grammar..

The statement we are never to old to learn...is true...

Sending my love, care and hugs to you lovely mmMeKitty and everyone else here....💜🦋🤗..

Grandy....🕊🌱🌿🌳..

Dear mmMekitty (with a wave to Grandy, Hana and all)~

Well, ta for the hearts, Mrs C appreciates them and Sumo is too 'busy' to notice -as usual, but will when he has more time.

I got interested when I saw a few people with semicolon tattoos on their wrists and wondered what it was all about. I can't say I'm that keen on any tattoos at all, however these mark a significant win, so I guess it can be a comfort to the wearer and others too.

I'm not in the least surprised you are dog-tired (if you'll pardon the expression:) after your visit to the medical center. After all you were busy spending energy preparing for it the day before, did not sleep that well and then had the journey there and back, and all the procedures of the day.

No small thing, particularly if you are wondering if something is going to be triggering - I do hope nothing was.

It does seem you might need to keep notes of the procedures, before and after to know what to expect and tick them off after. Otherwise you might prepare for or worry about something you don't need to. -Do you think that might help?

Good luck with the next lot

Croix

Hello again, & many thanks for kind words & support.❤️❤️❤️❤️

Yesterday was only another scan accompanie by an injection in my spine, (with a local anaesthetic)m a few cms higher than I expected. I still had to lay on my front, & remain still, even though my body is uncomfortable, & the needles hurt some. The scanner didn't move, so the bed had to. It wasn't exactly smooth, so I'm thinking, how do I keep my body from tensing up while the moving bed is jolting me a bit, many times, as it moved forward & back to position me durring the main injection, which he performed fraction by fraction, down to milimetre increments? As it reached the nerve was the worst. But it was all done in 10 -15 minutes.

Be gentle after. (They didn't see my helper's van, which I have to step up into) & mind I may feel some weakness. Did too.

We went to do a little shopping, me thinking: it's a little exercise but not strenuous. Had lunch. I thought I would not be wanting to cook after returning home.

Gotta take notes of how my leg feels - rate from 1 -10 twice daily until I see GP again. If it does what I hope, I won't necessarily notice before Sunday.

*

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️some extra for Sumo, in case he can't find them when he's ready for them.

*

I've had some rain this early morning. Awake again, 3:30, not getting back to sleep, so up at around 4:30.

I woke feeling quite warm, but now I'm cool. Ready for my morning Cuppa coffee - which I imagine quitting one day, until the jar is nearly empty, & I give in to wanting more. It's so expensive & of no nutritional value. Lately I want hot again. Warmth of the cup, & when the liquid fills my stomach all warm. That is something I want lately.

I've thought, Cuppa-soups, or even using stock powder, but these are not very nutritionally so healthy as even coffee, with all the salt & addes sugar they have.

I don't want to be having sugar - but I gave in to brown sugar for the flavour in bikkies & I like putting a bit in onion when frying, sometimes, with ham & eggs.

Back soon; want my ☕cuppa!

mmMekitty

While lunching yesterday, my helper noted an apple & rhubarb something, & I thought, if I get that, I want custard with it. We can get one on the way back after going to Woolies. But both of us forgot after, after the machine was not processing properly three times before we got it to work, with help. I would rather they hire more people instead of these machines. I would even rather wait at a check-out than use these machines.

My helper does tend to take over & do what she would normally do, & not ask me. Typically, I just give in, wanting only to be out of there again, not really wanting to discuss or indeed, to be standing around more, while I am feeling in pain from going up & down aisles. It's so noisy, with people everywhere, things I might run into, my vision not coping with so much to take in, I feel myself shrinking, like I did when overwhelmed in awful situations of abuse - although this is very different. It's differnt, but I'm acting the same.

I've just now been realising this, so would like to talk to my PDr - thinking these thoughts will slip my mind before next Wednesday. Something like this certainly can drop from awareness again.

... & I got more custard than I really want for one treat... but will now experiment with other ways of using it. Break & crisp up one of my bikkies, or have with banana or with my cereal this morning, or with French Toast? I've never tried making something like a Danish pastry, but I think I would lke fresh fruit, like apple, for that.

Please, other ideas are welcome.

😺mmMekitty

Dear mmMekitty~

I guess not taking charge and going with another's wishes could well remind you of past abuse. This in turn may make you feel unhappy with yourself -forgive me if I assume to much.

As you would well realise the circumstances were very different, you have a helper of the 'take charge' persuasion, and were in an environment full of difficulties as well as dealing wiht your own fatigue.

So you took the least energy pathway, actually sounds sensible under the circumstances

I would suppose your own reaction became some sort of trigger, and triggers are something you are good at dealing with. Actually you did good; going out and doing your tasks and returning, basically just what you intended.

In this case I think you are demanding too much of yourself, under the same circumstances I'm sure anyone would let the helper lead.

Dunno if that makes sense.

I'm glad you got your custard.

I can see a pile of hearts with a tail sticking out, I guess Sumo thinks they make a cozy blanket

Croix (who used a semicolon just for fun)

Hi Croix,

You don't assume too much. I'm just realising how closely my reaction under pressure is the same as it was back nearly fifty years ago; nothing has changed. I shrink, I want a way out, can't find one, except in my own head, can't communicate, fear if I did I'dmmake what is happening go on longer & worse, so want to, yep, get it over & done with. I create my own little barrier to hide behind & let them do whatever.

That's NOT what I want to do, not as an adult - it makes me feel so awful about myself, as awful as I've ever felt at my worst.

It doesn't help that I feel easily overwhelmed.

Wen out shopping it's too much noise, too much visiual stimulation for my brain to manage, choices. when I'm not sure what the there is to choose from, too little time to take the time needed, too much physical discomfort/pain, I dont even manage a couple bags & my cane without dropping something. I think,, 'I wish I was an octopus', but no, if I was I'd just be in more of a tangle.

At the medical things, it's keeping track of what is being said & asked, remembering thing I need to, & facing the possible need to undress at all or be examined, with the pushing prodding & positioning my body & limbs & having to co-operate & permit whatever it is they are going to do. &, most frequently, I don't see them coming. Most time they announce what they are about to do, but still I feel the touch as an intrusion & I am inclined to 'block' my mind & feelings from registering it - though, obviously, I already did! It's so irksome.

I'm still trying to process, rationally, what happened several minutes after, while my helper is babbling, (to my ears), talking about what we're doing next.

But I have to do these things. Part of looking after myself, my health, in particular... but you are right, too. All the fatigue & worries, imagining 'what if' too much, doesn't help.

Trying to decide when I feel incapable... but these are MY decisions. As horrendous as it feels trying to make decisions for myself, to be in charge of myself, I feel, if I let others take over, I'd feel much worse.

Except there is this conflicted part of me that says, go on, let people take over - it would be so much easier to just let them take care of me, like ... all the crap is true,. There is an attractiveness to being so 'cared for', if I just stop fighting & thinking, & caring myself. Who would not like to stop struggling?

Yet, so much I forget, can't seem to track, & then feel confused & uncertain.

mmM.

& Thank you, Croix. 😹I love that image I have of a pile of hearts with the tail sticking up , like a parascope, with the tip turning round & round as if to see that the pile of hearts will be left to him alone! (He's a grey cat, isn't he, grey fluffy tabby?) True or not, that's what's in my head.

😻Lovely cat image! Now include purring.

*

That character counter caught me last time - but nowhere near this time! 💨

😺mmMekitty

Hi mmMekitty,

Excuse me popping by, but I have had very similar feelings to what you describe when faced with someone "taking charge" of me, so to speak - it has very bad connotations for me - and Mr Croix has hit the nail on the head in his response to you.

Shopping centres and supermarkets are exhausting places especially for those of us who have sight issues and deciding on the path of least resistance as it were, was the sensible thing to do at the time.

I suspect the role of support person would lend itself to the possibility of the person "taking charge" without thinking about it.

It sounds to me like you managed it well. 🙂🐶👌

Hello Mr Croix,

I would like to say hello as I pass by. Your responses to people are always well considered and insightful and I do admire the care you take when you are talking with people on BB.

It's always a pleasure to see you around sir, and I hope you are keeping well yourself.

🙂🙏

NO worries, Hanna, my big people/walrus door is always open, while I might only use the windows or cat flap, to avoid the many legs & flippers. 😺 You are all welcome here!

I'd like if this could be another 'drop-in' place, like Croix's Parler. I, have appreciated his wonderfully insightful posts. He gives me much to think about & consider.

It will take a while to sort out this conflict between my needs being heard & my ongoing struggles to be assertive, & to not feel like a door mat when I do allow someone to step in, in the interests of expediency. It's a negotiation I need to have with myself & my helpers. I really struggle with the negotiation bit, even with my PDr over some issues. He is perfectly willing to discuss & even encourages me, but still it is so bleeping hard to voice my wants & needs, without sounding like, 'go on & trample all over me; that'll be alright'. Just stating my point of view - I feel like cringing & folding in on myself. Will I ever feel okay about my needs being recognised? This is still so big for me.

Want to talk more, Hanna? I can be found here, (well, I can find this place & not be confused as to whose place it is!). I get a lot from your posts, too. Love hearing about 🐶Sam, & the 🌳park, & how you are doing, the great friendships you've found here on BB - very ❤️❤️❤️heart-warming. You are a 💎treasure & a 😺pleasure to have around here.

I imagine, not an ice berg for me, but a multidimensional 🌳tree house, with wrap-around verandas, (inspired by Grandy's place) with heaps of trees & a river or two, & a launching pad for my 🐱‍🚀spaceship, & rolling hills to run with🪁-flying in mind, a field of ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️for all

Oh, & birds, & many other animals, who are all happy together, no worries! Even the 🐟🐠🐡🦈🐋are all virtual, so don't feel a thing!

For the walrus, how would you like a big ice⛸skating⛸rink?

mmMekitty

Dear mmMekitty and Hanna~

Hanna, I don't know what to say, I really appreciate your encouragement and can feel both your and mmMekitty's problems with others taking charge leads to many reflections on the past, old habits to be avoided, and a great difficulty in drawing a balance, even though the situation is not an intentionally abusive one.

I suppose the only obvious thing to say is giving up is not on the agenda for either of you, and that is as it should be.

I have had a fair amount of contact with carers and helpers over the years, not for myself but for a particular friend and others. Yes they can come over too eager to take the reins, however if one considers their duties may have taken them to people who have given up or are incapable it may be quite necessary there, but unfortunately becomes a habit.

I would think once you have established that their job is to defer to you (a hard thing to get across without seeming unappreciative) then there will be occasions where you can in some circumstances instruct them "take the lead for a bit" and feel good about it. It is a growing philosophy, know sometimes as 'person centered care' which promotes mutual respect and listening to a person's wishes.

Due to all the hearts I can't tell what color Sumo Cat is ATM, though I do remember he is sleek rather than fluffy as he has to squeeze though doors that only ajar.

A skate rink might be OK, though the only ones I think could use it were the inebriated kiwis (both feet in one skate) and unicorns (4 skates each). The penguins are perfectly happy tobogganing on their tummies and as you would know walruses galumph.

"I'd like if this could be another 'drop-in' place, like Croix's Parler" Imitation is the sincerest form etc etc ..😊

Croix

😺It's always an amazing thing, how cats can sort of fold up, thin & get through the narrowest spaces, or into the tightest areas behind or under things! & how Mekitty could lie flat, except for her skull & the ear poking up, listening even as she slept!

Kiwis welcome, though I don't know what they'll be doing with the empties ... Windchimes? Other glass instruments? Millions of glass slippers, so everyone has a chance of being Cinderella, if they so wish? Who am I to say that's a questionable fantasy? Personally, I'd prefer geodesic domes for Mars.😺

Happy day, all!

mmMekitty

Hi Hanna3

Sorry for the late reply. I’m self obsessed and rolling down a hill of despair. MmMekitty and Croix have been chucking out the grappling hooks but I jump and weave and keep rolling.

sight. I’m amazed at mmMekitty and you and your courage. It’s good to have others

I have a fellow wounded child at she reaches out and we try not to hurt each other. I’m physically suffering along with my head stuff I had a recent accident and I’m on crutches but previous I had many injuries that made life physically painful. I’m trying to be positive and look for answers to my being. All we can do is search. I’m sad that I didn’t have a champion but I’m hopeful that I can be that for someone.
My stuff makes me hide but you go to Dog park did I get that wrong. I think I’d make a good security guard I’d have my doggy ready to pounce 😃🐶💂‍♀️🐕🐕🐕🐕

MC

Occasionally, more over the last 10 years, I guess, I've been asking myself, what is the most important, most urgent & most likely to have the best benefit for myself, to do for myself?

It's hard to rank answers that come to mind, today. & the answers might be different next week, as they were when I first began to see my current PDr. He's asked me, too, to consider my needs , what's in my best interest, when I've struggled over making a decision about what to do.

Right now, MC, I think it might be the most important, urgent & beneficial to us both, to champion ourselves.

Although I had not ever thought I had anyone who championed me, no-one who could & would lift me & carry me, & help me to become stronger, I also didn't think I could do any of that for myself.

I saw myself as a bedraggled puppy sitting in the road, rainy night, & I saw the puppy by the light of headlights. The puppy just sat there, not looking up, not even trying to move. & I could not approach it, either, to pick it up & carry it to safety or warm its shivering body, or dry is matted coat.... I couldn't imagine doing that.

That mental image has been with me for 20-25 yrs. It was a pitiful image I had of myself, feeling so hopeless, helpless to help myself, not caring either way. I'd felt abandoned out there, without any idea of how to move out of the road or rain...

Personally, I think it has taken more desperation, rather than courage, to lift myself enough to begin walking. It really has felt like learning to walk, just as a child does, falling over, several times, & getting up again.

To me, deep inside, when it looks like I'm trying to help someone, I think I'm doing something to help myself - really selfish-like.

My little mmMekitten is nourished, grows & feels the benefit, too. I feel I am caring & actually loving my little me, & this is what I missed back then & what I need now.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️to you me, our younger selves, each & everyone!😻

(Yes, Croix, there is a 'Widdle Wally' you, who could use some warm heart-felt hugs, too.)😻

mmMekitty

Hi mmMekitty

I can champion others and push drag and encourage others but myself I’m tired Sade and fed up. I’m hearing you and very grateful

I do have no other option this person that was pretty and admired that gave me life and pain and ridiculed me and let people hurt me I’m protecting. My hubby refuses to take part and give me support or compassion. I’m not like her she needs me I’m caring for her. It’s so hard and I can’t let her be unloved or protected. I idolised the woman all my life and to see her be defenceless is too much for me. She recognised me today and I only lived for her love and recognition but her love was for her husband’s. her husband gave me a step sister and she was my mum. Imagine your mum marries abandons you and his daughter saves your life after years of the worst. My half sister previously was a narcissistic abuser who continues to attack me. Copped a good one today. The phone is the only way she can get me. I called her to discuss mums care. I feel like it never dies. I know my half sister suffered terribly but no excuse to hurt me her baby half sister. I’m dreaming fan isolated igloo except I have a family. I’ve never spoken about anything. My psychologist asked and I said no not talking and I’ve never talked ever.
tonight I’m in my safe room puppy here he’s resting now

Thank you MC

Dear MC and mmMekitty~

I don't know what a Widdle Wally is, but heartfelt hugs I understand - and return in spades to you both.

You are very special people who have a sort of magnificence about you. Those images you have of yourselves are seen though the selective lenses of the past. MK you are no longer a bedraggled stray frozen in the headlights but a full person improving you lot day by day

CM you can feel deep satisfaction that you are not like you mother, you have mercy and compassion and nobody can ask more of themselves, it is nobility.

Not everyone has an agenda or seeks to serve themselves. MK your help of others may help you too, but that is exactly as it should be, it is not selfishness, it is being human in its best sense. If you were not the best of characters then you would not feel the benefit in yourself when you help others. It will be a comfort to them too to know that in receiving help thay are helping you.

Maybe MC one day you can speak of things to your puppy in your safe room. Nobody will know but you.

My parent was toxic and we were never in contact since I became an adult. At the end of her life she reached out and I, though pity and duty, went to her. I found her just as toxic but I remained there until she had gone. Probably not the much comfort to her as I had to speak in neutral terms of inconsequential things that could not be turned around and used as weapons.

However I take pride in sticking it out and having been there.

A restful night to the pair of you

Croix

Oh, dear heart, MC... I think I should just slide this hot ☕under the door...

Keeping yourself where you feel safe, good, & I'll wish you some quality sleep, too. 😺You are in your Safe Room, so I feel sure you can get some good sleep.

I need some too.🙀though I didn't do too badly last night.

I do have some pain in my legs, tonight. I've learned my right shoulder has bursitis. Physio might help with that, too. We'll see.

Good night, MC. It's been a long day,eh?

mmMekitty

Croix, everyone has a little version of themselves, so I believe, like mmMekitty has mmMekitten (or little me) who represents ourselves as we felt when we were young, & also shows us what we need & can give to ourselves now. In a sense, like parenting ourselves in ways our parents did not. I guess it's a mind game, in an effort to heal some of the early wounds.

Therefore, Mr big Walrus, you have a Widdle 'Wally' Walrus, who I miagined has a widdle lisp. Cute as anything, too, by the way! He's got soft fuzz - not whiskers yet, & tiny white nubs for tusks! & he wriggles & does somersaults into the water, laughing when his head breaks the surface again... Can you see him, yet?

Oh, I need to put us all to bed, eh? Sleepy time!

mmMekitty

Hi mmMekitty and Croix

Thank you for the kind words and support I’ve thrown myself down a dark hole and was digging downwards. Two steps forward three back should be my name. I slept with help and haven’t ventured to far today. Not answering the phone and mildly sedated. I’m trying to figure out a way to cancel tomorrow’s foot treatment and brunch I booked with a used to be friend. My fur friend is here and I’m wondering if I can get food delivered. Something fast food but it means I need to dress and I’m liking my pjs. I have a brother coming to help me but not till Monday so I can sulk and hide till then. I need to get my happy smile on and pretend for him he’s sweet and needs me to be ok. I haven’t seen psych dr for 3weeks the money was too much but I need to schedule an appointment next week or week after.
It’s amazing how comfortable I am in my safe space. The fright I had recently when I thought he was here has deeply affected me and seeing my mother getting neglected and robbed in care just destroyed me. I’m always alone and isolated and I’d be happy to stay that way. Mother’s Day was tough and I got a brief phone call but no special attention and I was sad about that all week.
im sure Mother’s Day is triggering for many of us I tried to offset by organising a birthday party for a family member on Sunday but it made the lunchtime better there’s still the disappointment. Father’s Day and Mother’s Day I need to plan ahead to be totally busy maybe camping trip so I’m busy dealing with life in a ⛺️ tent.
I haven’t even looked out a windows today. I’ve been watching funny animals on YouTube.
Sending calm vibes and woof woof from fur friend he says thank you for calming me down. 🐕💤🍔🍔🍔 Maybe I can get food delivered but need to leave my room

thank you

MC

Sometimes it occurs to me, I do't want to be in my room forever. I don't want to be in my flat, or even on this lot which has 26 flats in three little buildings, with all the rubbish & noise...

I don't know what to say... Don't wallow, my head says, asking if that's really what some people want to do, including me, from time to time? Did I really wabt to be left alone with the mess in my head? It's like living in a room full of mirrors. - you only see yourself,& this is a self you don't like.

So, to today, after dithering & deciding how I would vote, I had decided to phone as early as I could, but my plans were interrupted before I could begin.

My helper phoned & said she & her hubby were isolating, having been close contacts with two (there may yet be more) people she & hubby were socialising with on the weekend. She knew she was sick Tuesday, but does not yet have definite results from a proper COVID-19 test. She's done a couple RATests & negative on those, but still unsure. Therefore she wasn't coming to pick me up to go to get another scan on my back.

How can I make arrangements for someone else when she has only told me 2.5 hours before due to pick me up?

Then I'm trying to find this place, by the address she'd given me. No useful result of my searches. I needed a phone number, too, to let them know, then that I could not get there. (I'm not taking a taxi, because of how many people taxi drivers deal with in any given day, & I can't wear a mask).

Fortunately, The Place phoned me! The man I spoke to was very good about it. & he gave me all the basic info my helper ought to have given me. & I found out the address I was given was incorrect.

Anyway, I had to cancel. Have to wait for when my helper is sure she'll be feeling better, before making another appointment.

Had to calm down some more, to place my vote via phone. & she was really good, having to read out instructions, all the names & parties, & everything! 😺 I tought she did such a good job, I complimented her. I wonder how many times these people doing this work have to read all the ballot papers for us who need this service?

I felt I still needed to go out & do something. I bought bread & crumbed salmon & chips.😺& feeling half-terrified walking up & back, startled a few times by people passing very close,oooo & the noise... resting, & the motor mower, so smelly another rest, & the steep stairs down to the carpark at the back of Woolies.... are any cars moving? ooo breath -.

mmMekitty

Oh!, I forgot, somewhere in there, my PDr contacted me (email) about If I had made my usual payment after speaking to him, yesterday. & I discovered, (because I keep a record of these transactions), I had made a slight mistake in the payment reference box - not including my first initial & short last name, but I had the date, so I don't know how I forgot the rest.

I replied to his email, explaining my error, with my apologies for the inconvenience.
I think he's happy now, as he sent through the evidence that he's sent my Medicare Claim through to Medicare. 😺All good.
I check my own bank records anyway, but it is reassuring to have the Medicare Claim Statement too.

Sometimes I have wondered if I am too 'neurotic' about keeping the banking records, as copied directly from the bank's website, until now, when they have come in very handy!

*

Today has been a rollercoaster. I don't liked these ups & downs!🎢...& that doesn't look much like the ride I had today, not like some I've read about here, & I think mine was mild, but, I still want to get off already,

mmMekitty

Hi everyone, 😸⛅Already the little morning sun is gone, not 8:30 yet.

I only wrote bits yesterday. While my helper is here I don't get to concentrate on writing to people here. Later I get tired, & pushing through, proved to myself, that's not a good idea. Later my legs get too painful/numbish (I struggle to describe the sensation.) Try to have some time to watch a little tele I like, but also want to cook & eat & it's difficult to keep track of both cooking & the tele at the same time.

But during afternoon, I did get to some posts, the games mostly. & I read a word, & suddenly, I felt thoughts, memories & feelings overcome me, all to do with a single incident, a few minutes of it, & included an image my mind came up with, which, if I could still paint, I'd try to reproduce to represent the minutes of that incident.

It was a view of a portion of my body, not exactly a true-to-life representation of how I looked back then, & not a perspective I could have viewed at the time, during the incident. I have tried to described what I felt, physically, when I've recalled the incident, & it was as if there was a fish flopping there. So that's what my mind showe me yesterday: a wet, silver/blue/black/grey fish with yellow eyes, & a relatively short dark blue-black tail & fin along its back. wriggling there.

It threw me for a bit, emotions & memories of sensations, then the rest of the incident. & I protest this sort of mental intrusion. This incident was when I was 13 years old - how is it I can still feel this way now? Why must I put up with it?

& like, if I could paint it, I want to get it out of my head, onto something physical like a canvas board, or if I was writing again about this incident ,I'd prefer paper, but my computer will have to do... in the moment yesterday, I thought of the Thread, Vent and Let It Go, & went to find that, & did that venting I felt I needed.

& it's helped some... not entirely. I want to say more here... but because of how I was feeling in my legs, & how tired again, I didn't. I wanted to answer other threads, but didn't.

A couple more tele shows, & my legs are feeling like they will not let me stay seated, like they must jump up & move, or be more intensely uncomfortable.

I really need to get that sorted, somehow.

mmMekitty

Hello Dear MmMeKitty,

I really am sorry that a word has sparked up unwanted memories and sensations....I wish I could give you a real life hug...and tell you that you will okay...I’m here for you...

I know only to well, how words, actions, smells voices etc can land me into PTSD downers...and no they are very unpleasant to say the least..

Please Dear MmMeKitty, Try hard to remember and tell yourself that you are safe...they cannot hurt you anymore...I know how hard that is to believe..but it’s all we’ve got in life..our belief and faith that we are safe now away from our abusers....It is hard to understand why even after many years we still get effected by them....We can hide them in the darkest corner of our brain for days, months and years...not really forgetting about them...but just getting on with our lives the best we can...and we think to ourselves...that we are getting their...living our best life...then that happens a word to throw everything we worked for...upside down again....it’s so not fair...

mmMekitty....I know you’ve probably heard this before...but I just want to gently remind you lovely lady...that when your thoughts are stuck in PTSD...to try hard to divert them onto something else...it might take a few times to do this...because your memories are strong right now...maybe try putting on some music and sing a long with it..or do some baking with the music on....Our minds can only think of one thing at a time..if it’s listening to music...it just might stay on the music enough to give you brain a rest...

I believe in you dear Kitty...you are a survivor, I am a survivor, other people here and in r/l are survivors....We can’t let the abusers win....We are better them them...please sweet lady...try hard to not let them take away your here and now...they don’t deserve that..they don’t deserve even a second of your life....I have faith that in time, this will pass for you..in the mean time..know that I’m sitting next to you in spirit and holding your hand...with an open heart and listening ears...anytime you feel to talk to get it out please do so...this is what here is about..

My kindest thoughts dear friend, with my care..

Grandy...💜🌹🕊🌱🌿🌳.

Hi mmMekitty

Bringing oneself back to the present and leaving the feelings sounds and sights or mental visions behind. The struggle to shake it off.
Your post is calm and clear and shows how strong you are and how far away from the past you are.

Id like to post wise words and calming positive words like you do for me but mmMekitty you have an amazing talent to see where I am and reach me there. If I can offer up to you thank you for your honesty and your compassion.

I remember you talking about singers you liked maybe some good tunes from the 70’s to bring som strength and relax your legs and shake off the numbness. Covid has taken my memory I can’t name a name of a singer but hopefully you can get what I’m referring to.

Take these extra hearts for you to fuel up on today. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

🙂 MC