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Topic: Introducing mmMekitty

  1. Croix
    Community Champion
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    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11081 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Dear mmMekitty~

    Thank goodness for music, it sounds one of the big factors in making circumstances bearable just now.

    I'm not surpried some of the anesthesia acted as a mood drug as a side-effect. Hopefully it will be pretty nearly worn off by now.

    I think 3 visits a day may be a good thing, there are bound to be umpteen things (like washing drying) that it will be easier to leave to others. Also if constantly tired there may be a temptation to skip meals, there others can assist.

    I wonder what the reaction was when you said you had no camera, something I think must work in your favor at least for the next appointment or so.

    You may be borrowing trouble worrying about that big bandage. Mrs C recently has an op where there was a very big and waterproof bandage, which like yours was adhesive all the way thorough. After a couple or three weeks it started to loosen in the showers and eventually peeled away without undue hassles. I hope yours is the same.

    We have just had a really big storm here, which is why I'm later than usual, had everything unplugged until it quietened down. Sumo Cat is having a bad day, to the vet this morning for his annual injection and checkup inside the hated cat carrier, then trying to hide inside a recliner chair during the thunder and lightening.

    Fortunately all is now good and he has had a tasty snack to sooth his feelings.

    Croix

  2. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3631 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi mmMekitty, (and a wave to Mr Croix)

    That's interesting about the anaesthetic. Some people call out and babble coming out of anaesthetics - remember it's similar to having been hit on the head until you're unconscious, so your concentration and memory can be affected for a while. Rest up and recuperate dear lady!

    Bear with the bandage for the time being. It's there for a reason and keeps your wounds

    protected. I'm glad you have people coming by as otherwise I think you actually might feel anxious. It's much easier to have people checking on you and giving you a bit of company.

    Music is good, I'm with Mr Croix there!

    Take things very easy and start getting better!

    I'd send a big hug but that would be most uncomfortable for you at the moment, so I'll send very best wishes instead! Much safer!

    😃💐🐕🌼🎶🎵🎧🎻🎷🎹💕

  3. mmMekitty
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    8 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hello dear people, dogs cats & walruses (I am presuming Mrs C is also a Walrus, or ought I not be so presumptuous?)

    I am still feeling odd, but the memories of the most of the adverse effects are thinner. A couple remain strong, though. I was thinking, the last thing prior to waking was someone lowering a blue mask towards my face, & even in the moments then, I was feeling my panic rise, & I tried to object to the mask,.."It's just oxygen" - why do theysay that? It's obviously not just oxygen, plus I can smell the rubber/latex & a slight chemical smell..., but I was saying, "no" & my arm was moving as if to brush the thing away from me, not really under my own control - just doing it. & then I was out to it until I woke with the surging memories, images, feelings, associated with those, & my feelings of distress about it. & I guess I dropped off again, because the next thing I know is really, being awake, on the ward, in bed. I realise I don't actually recall waking up.

    Just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable, & it's going to be upsetting at any moment.

    It doesn't feel very good to be here, with the neighbour upstairs. I don't feel comfortable even inside my flat. So, you might understand, I'm not sitting outdoors, even on my own back porch. (Smells out there anyway because of the rubbish, which people, upstairs neighbour included, drop all over the place.

    I haven't wanted people in my flat. Slowly I've had to learn to allow a few people in, usually one at a time. I have felt , before, that in my place, I felt secure, private, & unexposed, not so vulnerable, as when I am with anyone. I've felt safer alone for a very long time.

    If Iaccidently do myself an injury, that's one thing, & I deal with it. If, on the other hand, I am in asituation where someone else can or does do me some injury - ever again - I fear & dread not being able to respond & fight for my safety. I feel defenseless - physically, I mean, if anything ever was to happen again.

    Emotionally, the risks feel just as great, maybe even more so now I can't prevent myself from feeling all my emotions like I once did. Doing that, in one sense. did make me feel I had some form of protection.

    You know, this ought to be in my other thread. Oh well. If I get moderated, I get moderated. I would like the option to edit myself, whatever might be deemed to be 'gone too far'.

    I was struggling to describe this to my PDr, so I still need to work it through my head - writing/talking.

    mmMekitty

  4. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    333 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi mmMekitty

    I’m glad you are home. What an ordeal you have been through and you are still dealing with the affects of it all. The drugs and experience in hospital and the surgery is a lot. I completely understand and hear what you are saying about being vulnerable and unsafe.
    It will subside slowly and talking to BCN may help. Your body has taken a beating and your emotions too.
    Sleep and rest are good but I hope you can get some calm. My dr wouldn’t give me some drugs for pain recently because of my mental health. You have identified what has blown you away and I hope you can regain your peace. I really don’t have any answers except that I was at my lowest and because of your kind words I’m doing ok.
    Thank you for your kind support and I really want you to feel better as soon as possible. Feeling bad is expected but it’s never nice.
    ♥️♥️♥️♥️MC

  5. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
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    4854 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hi all

    Glad to hear Ur home

    Nice to read how u beca,e gradually more comfortable with ppl jn Ur flat, that shows flexibility and openness

    I someti,es get memories that scare me too, not sure if it's the same but I do know it can be scary.

  6. mmMekitty
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    8 January 2022 in reply to Mum Chris

    MC, Sleepy. thank you.

    Yes, in one sense I did realise how glad I was to be leaving the hospital, all the people everywhere, night & day,& then to realise this place where I am is not the 'home' I want to come back to.

    I don't know where I can be, to have a place where I can truly feel at home. economically, my options are extremely limited, & the subsidised state-run 'social housing' certainly does not offer much lattitude. I can qualify for one type of housing, & be unable to move quickly even if I wanted to live nearer my sis, for example. (Where she is, I doubt there is any 'social housing' available.)

    I really like my own place, space, & being not as physically close to neighbours, even if I liked them.

    Why does that seem like too much to ask?

    *

    MC, I've been blown away by you! You amaze me. I get the sense of what you've written, you've been knocked down so hard you thought you never get up again - but here you are! I think, you are amazing. I manage to quell many of my worst feelings & thoughts, & being able to do that, allowing them their quiet corner, is how I manage. I kink of imagine you are a traditional boxer, who steps into the ring ready to fight & defend yourself. What you do, everythime you choose to honour yourself, to go for what you need, takes courage when the emotional ties to others who would pull you in other directions si so strong. I can't help but be proud of you. I admire your determination so much. & I am deeply moved to think my presence here, at this time in both our lives, has meant so much to us both.

    I do want to underline one fact. While I may have managed to say something, which was of help to you, ultimately, YOU are the one who did the hard work, to be where you are now. I can cheer you on much as you need, but in the moments of greatest need, you have been able to rely upon yourself.

    There is one thing all us 'survivors' has in common, I'm not sure what to call it, but it has made us the 'survivors' we are. I'm not sure you like to call yourself a 'survivor', so, please tell me if you don't like the term. I know I haven't been comfortable with it, but I'm going to use it even while I am uncomfortable. I did survive. I am surviving . & I will continue to survive.

    Sleepy, that goes for you, too. & so many others here, I literally can't name them all!

    mmMekitty

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    333 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi mmMekitty

    How sweet you are I smiled and a little giggle at your description of me. you are a traditional boxer, who steps into the ring ready to fight & defend yourself.

    I do see myself as scrappy. I get in and amongst it and this has at times saved me and harmed me. I fight hard for my loved ones and I’m learning to add conditions. I was all about unconditional love well no more. I am trying to give me unconditional love. Trying to boost my self esteem and to love myself by giving myself encouragement. Always had plenty for others but not for me.

    What else are we but survivors but I’m hopeful that this time I can find a better place to be. Maybe conquerors.
    Sleep well

    MC

  8. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    11081 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Dear mmMekitty (and all)~

    First and most important (to protect my own hide of course:) Mrs C will consent to being mentioned as "Mrs C", but takes great exception to being called "Mrs Walrus"! She feels it conjures up visions of mustaches, long teeth and very substantial figures (plus an exclusively seafood diet).

    Nothing could be further from the truth. A quick comparison with Marlene Dietrich might be more appropriate.

    I would expect that the combination of the physical hardships of surgery together with the anesthetic and any other medication you may have needed may still be lingering in your system, and that in turn may make unpleasant memories of the op and present feelings of increased vulnerability come to the fore.

    Mind you, I think you underestimate your abilities to defend yourself, not ideal I know, but maybe better than you anticipate. "If I accidently do myself an injury, that's one thing, & I deal with it." shows great self-confidence, and I don't think it is totally misplaced in other situations.

    Have you considered that (unless I misunderstand -if so my apologies) the problems you normally face with neighbours, visitors and all remain much as they have been, but now they prey on your mind somewhat more? Feeling vulnerable is not surprising considering what you have been through, with some uncharted territory in practical terms still to anticipate.

    I would think this thread is fine, people have been following your op here and this is simply a continuation of those events.

    I'd hope memories of the mask (which might well have been oxygen during the induction of the anesthesia) will fade. Very different from my own memories of putting a mask on the first Mrs C, who needed oxygen at times, it came as a relief for her, a great resource to have to hand.

    Sumo Cat have gotten over last night's storm and is 'busy' beside me.

    Croix

  9. mmMekitty
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    8 January 2022 in reply to Croix

    😹I hope you tell Mrs C how she is LOVELIER than Marlena, hands down, any day of the week! But pointing out the flaws in my conjecture was brilliant!

    Earlier today, I realised one part I thought was damage from intubation, may not be related at all. I now feel I have an infection, either in my upper palate, or my tooth, near the swelling, or it's in my nose, (again - because it feels like it did when I did have an infection in my nose, many years ago . I wish I'd thought of the possibility earlier. Now I wait for Monday, & go see my GP, if I can. I hope she accepts my diagnosis, without sending me for a scan or x-ray, & just gives me a script for a course of antibiotics. Tonight it feels more like a toothache, (oh no!) but the area of swelling is in the gum & the small area in my upper palate.

    About this post versus my other post which specifically is/was intended to be where I & anyone. could talk about our inability to wear masks.This one is in the 'Welcome & Orientation' area, whereas the other is in 'PTSD & Trauma', because the inability I have is glaringly associated with my past. Here I cannot be as forthcoming as I 'd like, not even so in the other, actually, but more so than here.

    You may have noticed how important it is for me to be fully honest & open. Even when I know something I am writing is going to upset me, I feel the need to write it, all of it, all the more.

    I write in order to acknowledge my feelings, thoughts & experiences, & to say, 'there, it was real. No denying it now, It's there on the [page, PC, Word docs,], for [me, anyone] to see, who cares to look, that is.

    & I don't want to let anyone keep me silent ever again.

    I'm trying to not have my posts edited. I understand most people don't need to know every detail, & don't want to. The other post they can easily avoid. I think that's a fair compromise. It's got it's Trigger Warning right up front on the section header.Please, let e have my voice. If I could put a Trigger Warning on my Avatar, would that help? I'd do it if I could, to see if it does.

    mmMekitty

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    11081 posts
    9 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Dear mmMekitty~

    "I hope you tell Mrs C how she is LOVELIER than Marlena, hands down, any day of the week!", actually I do - to which she replies "There's no fool like an old fool". A fair exchange:)

    I would not worry excessively about what you wrote before, I'd expect by now anything untoward would have been dealt with. I've already tried to put a positive spin on that equipment, as you may have noticed.

    It is worth bearing in mind - as you do - the location of this thread and maybe one day consider having it moved or even cutting down from two threads dealing with your life to one, it helps us keep up. Just random ideas.

    As both are well established it would not be easy, perhaps something to discuss wiht Admin when Beyond Blue returns after the break.

    I can't see anyone now keeping you quiet:) You are forthright and thorough in documenting matters you need to acknowledge, and while some of them may need to be described in more general terms -rather than specifics - the Forum can be a good place, though it is no substitute for the full collection on Word documents or other means you mentioned.

    I don't see that putting a trigger (or Tigger) warning in your avatar would accomplish anything. If you are in a section that already has one you are generally safe to talk.

    On VERY rare occasions I've put an additional trigger warning inside one of these areas on a single post of mine, but on those occasions I've first discussed with moderators about the suitability of the specific post and its wording.

    Documentation can be a great thing, not only as a release and acknowledgment of events, but also as a memory aid, where one can see what one wrote then and there - sometimes with time memory enlarges or diminishes such things.

    I'm sorry about that probable infection in your mouth, do you have sufficient soft food to get by until you can get it sorted out?

    Croix

  11. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    333 posts
    9 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Good evening

    Erk the pain and side effects of incubation. Also the memories of it and yes I do remember the tubes and the struggle. I can say I recovered more quickly from this type of treatment than the other. The extra oxygen brings you around and back to health quicker in my experience. The bruised larynx and any graises well yuck and yes antibiotics and some throat lozenges do help. I never escape surgery or illness without a complication.
    Hospitals are not without troubles.
    I find it therapeutic to complain and whinge as much as possible. 😅 seriously

    in my past terrible health catastrophe I grew to hate smiling cheerful people. Upon investigation I found all their bodies ached and they felt desperate but they thought they needed to make others feel happy. I think be true to one’s self. Let it out in all its honesty.

    🐈🍰❤️❤️❤️❤️

  12. mmMekitty
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    10 January 2022 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hello everyone,

    It's been rough. Yesterday afternoon one of the tubes had come a little disconnected from the part that goes into my body. (I forget what it's called.) & being Sunday arvo, I coouldn't get anyone on the phone to advis me or to come out to my place to fix it. So, I had to phone 000 & get an ambulance out to me. They're busy, busy, so it was 3.5 hours before one came. Well, they are not qualified to do what was needed, so I was off to hospital.

    Both of the ambos were marvelous.

    Upon arrival a nurse came into the ambulance to administer a RATest. It was a fuzzy stick up each nostril, (not what I had heard), & then waiting 15 minutes for the NEGATIVE results. One ambo said it was looking very clearly negative 10 minutes in.

    Then inside ,on a most uncomfortable trolley, (I won't call it a bed) & it was freezing in there,

    Of-course, I was asked about my not wearing a mask. & at the entrance I was asked to acknowledge that I was entering a high risk area, like I really had a choice.

    I hoped the people there would deal with my infection , which had also been feeling worse as the day had gone on. I was eventually given two common pain killers, & the area of my upper gum-line was x-rayed, they came back with, the problem was purely dental, & the x-ray didn't show much to indicate an infection,, so they would not do anymore.

    I had no real sleep, just a half a wink, then noises were again making me jumpy.

    Anyway, I had been seen , the tubing checked, the one on the right more secured, by putting more tape over the area where it is supposed to enter my body, & contct with something else. & this covering also prevented a couple tag-like things from being knocked, as I had done several times, producing pain. It's was more comfortable after that. ...

    I'm getting too tired again even as I type. 9:40pm! Early for a ca!🙀, though I did get a few hours in today.

    mmMekitty

  13. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8854 posts
    11 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi mmKitty,

    My thoughts are with you. So have they kept you in hospital or were you sent home again?

    I've not read all of your news here, just a few scattered posts.

    I hope you are feeling more secure with all your medical bits and pieces, tubes and your general health and well being.

    Wishing you all the best with your recovery. Gentle hugs from Dools

  14. mmMekitty
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    11 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    So I spent the night, not sleeping, hearing noises everywhere, freezing, & my legs became crampy having a numb-bum & eventually someone found a proper bed. That didn't fix how my legs were feeling. My infection in my mouth got worse, though the 2 painkillers helped some. Eventually I got hungry as well.but didn't get anything to eat until 7:30am, 15.5hrs since I'd last eaten.

    I finally was able to get in touch with my home helper, to ask if she could possibly pick me up & take me home. She could not either. I tried to explain my reluctance to go by public tranport, or even by taxi, because of my inability to wear a mask, & that the drivers at least, are in contact with more people than my helpers. One fellow said,"well, walk home then"

    *sigh* Eventually, the hospital staff arranged a taxi for me. I had to explain again that I do have a medical exemption, & as they were asking, why, on what basis, I realise I amnot very comfortable having to tell these people it relates to my mental health difficulties, in particular, to PTSD & past trauma.. I know it would not be an issue if the conditions I have was purely physical, & I could point, or if my breathing was laboured - so much more convenient, more easily acceptable to those who expect justification.

    *

    Anyway, yesterday, after returning, I had problems with my gut, shall I say. After that I wanted to watch a little tele, then sleep awhile. An hour later, in the afternoon the tube going into my right side came out completely. Way too tired by then, I couldn't cope, couldn't deal with going back to the hospital again. Called the BCN, thinking, if she said I had to, I guess I would. Otherwise, I was going to sleep.

    Even after sleeping for a few more hours, & thinking, I knew it was late in the working day, but I would have liked if the BCN had called me back.

    *

    This morning she did. She said, she would most likely just remove it (not sure about the other), when I go into the hospital for the first post-op appointment.

    So, that's about it for this chapter!

    Last night, after getting up, I had a good meal, & was sleepy again just three hours later. But, I slept much better last night. Could get up on my own, wasn't freezing, (now I'm a little bit too warm & sweaty for my comfort). I've had breakfast, & would like to eat more before I go to my GP. appointment. Busy, busy arvo, so I will be exhausted again.

    mmMekitty

  15. mmMekitty
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    11 January 2022 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Doolhof,

    I'll only feel better about medical bits & pieces, tubes & stuff when I don't have any to be mindful of. I'll will feel even better when the big area of adhesive is gone, too.

    I'm not actually being kept in hospital. I was discharged Thursday 6 January, had only gone myself when the leaking occured, B ut I wasn't going to do that again yestderday arvo. It was all too much for me to cope with, thinking of another night not sleeping.

    Thank you for your warm thoughts & wishes.

    I'll be thinking of you, too. 😸, mostly when I wonder, is that Sleepy's avatars, or Doolhof's up there? I do tend to confuse some avatars, because to me they look too similar.

    I'm interested to follow your journeys, but fear loosing track all the time. My memory, being the main problem there.

    mmMekitty

  16. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8854 posts
    11 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    HI mmMekitty,

    Thanks for the explanation. I had not gone back and read the thread. I do hope your recovery goes well for you and yes getting all the extra bits and pieces removed in time will mark a certain stage in your recovery. All the best.

    Yes, some avatars are similar aren't they.

    Where I work as a receptionist, I now have to wear either protective goggles over my glasses or a face shield along with a mask. Even though I try to fit the white medical mask, it never seems to be airtight. Sometimes my face shield or goggles are so fogged up I cant clearly see whom I am looking at and trying to book in!

    I have trouble following people's stories as well I am sure we all understand. Some people have amazing memories, mine is not one of those and that is okay! Ha. Ha.

    Hope you have some great moments this week!

  17. mmMekitty
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    11 January 2022 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Doolhof, (& everyone)For your glasses" lens cleaner, window cleaner, or maybe even a little hand sanitiser. 🐱‍👓

    I have a similar problem with my own glasses (which I mostly wear out of habit), when moving from air conditioned places to hot & humid outdoors.

    *

    Today, the drain on my right side was completely removed. I hadn't realised it was actually stitched in place, until the Dr was removing them. Oo-owie-oh! Then he also removed the large area of adhesive. & I realise most of the the stingy pains are directly from the wound, not the adhesive pulling at all. The Surgeon came in & said the left side drain has to stay in at least for one more week. It had also been noted a little sign of infection was at the site where the right side drain had been, so it is just as well that I saw my GP earlier & she had looked into my mouth & agreed that antibiotics were warranted. 😸 She didn't even send me off to get an x-ray.

    I get the idea this is not going to be a speedy recovery, but slow, & (hopefully) steady.

    mmMekitty

  18. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8854 posts
    12 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi mmMeKitty,

    Do you have some activities and things you can do to help distract you during this healing process?

    It has been really hot here so not the kind of weather to spend much time outside. This afternoon I might get my colouring book out. I have a jigsaw puzzle I could start as well. I've been borrowing books from the library so reading helps to fill in time for me.

    Hope you have some pleasant distractions.

    Cheers from Doolhof

  19. mmMekitty
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    12 January 2022 in reply to Doolhof

    I have a few distractions, like listening to music, audiobooks, some tele shows I like, & there is my app on my phone,which helps when I need to focus &be calm. It's the piano keyboard in Garage Band. It is glitchy, so it someimes doesn't work correctly, which makes me cranky,but I still like it.

    I'd like to get more writing done.

    I struggle to get out on my own, so I want more help, yet,, but my helper & I have had to get me to medical appointments more of late, so the other just 'getting out' hasn't been happening.

    I've never had a wide range of interests. I'd like to study some things, but wonder why bother, when I'm going to forget pretty much all of it even as I'm studying. Really, my memory is already dropping off things I know I'm supposdd to know.

    Is this natural aging or something else? I don't know. I want to find out, but now may not be the best time.

    & of-course, there is BB, now, where I find you know, there really are other people out there with their own concerns, & people that care, that will listen & I feel something like 'friendship' or at least, a fond, warm regard for so many people, I feel we are here , sharing & not so alone as we might otherwise feel. I have a feeling myself, that being here is important, worth risking the occasional 'trigger', even when I am feeling unsure of what I might say to someone, just being here, if only I say 'hello', is important. That helps me a lot when I feel rather like a non-entity sitting here in my flat, where very few people even know I exist. That's the one thing I have found so needed throughout the COVID-19 pandemic. Extreme isonlation can certainly lead people to feeling they don't matter or exist.

    It's taken a while for me to realise how I have felt at times, so cut-off, especially when services are stretched, & I am deemed to not be as high a priority as others. & nevrmind how that leaves me feeling or coping.

    Somehow, cope I do, - not sure how, or even why, just that I do keep going.

    That's how I'll get through my recovery, too. One day at a time, one thing to deal with at a time, like music, one note or chord at a time.

    mmMekitty

    2 people found this helpful
  20. Croix
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    12 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Dear mmMekitty~

    I'm glad one tube is out and the big adhesive plaster, which was worrying and pulling has gone. Hopefully any infection is minor and things will indeed progress steadily, if not fast enough for your taste of course.

    You did mention:

    Really, my memory is already dropping off things I know I'm supposdd to know.
    Is this natural aging or something else? I don't know.

    I can say I went though and increasingly bad period when i became ill in the police, and then afterwards. When I was in hospital I could not concentrate on a line in a book, it just went in one ear (walruses do have ears) and out the other.

    I was given some books by a very kind and perceptive psych nurse and found that as each line or two was full of plays on words and puns. My concentration and memory started to improve. Still a far cry from my old speed-reading days. Now I'm back to where I shuld be.

    I guess there are many causes: medication, stress, PTSD, depression, worry, physical pain, preoccupation and distraction all degrade memory. I think such things have a lot to do with it temporarily, and it is far to easy to regard such changes as permanent.

    I very much liked the way you regard the Forum. I have a feeling that you may have found a niche here that suits your talents (not everyone has such luck) and I'd realy like to see you make as much of it as you can. You already as much good in you writings as those like myself.

    You certainly exist here - and cast a long shadow already.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Doolhof
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    14 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi mmMekitty,

    Sometimes one day at a time, one moment at a time, one issue at a time certainly helps us through.

    I went in to work yesterday with the belief that I was in control of my thoughts and how I reflected on other people's behaviour towards me.

    Our minds are powerful things and can quickly take us on a downward spiral if we are not aware and not able to find some way of acknowledging that fact.

    It is okay to struggle and have difficult times. Accepting that then finding a way to move on helps me.

    It helps me to write out what is bothering my mind then I try to write things to be grateful and thankful for.

    Hope you have a day with many grateful moments. Regards from Doolhof

  22. mmMekitty
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    14 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hello again,

    Yesterday, I felt so tired most of the time, I felt unable to concentrate on writing much beyond a few words. several times I'd type a word incorrectly, half a dozen times before getting it right, & by then, I'd forgot the beginning of the sentence. I think this sort of thing may be in my top ten of 'instanly frustrating' things.

    Just off the top of my head:

    *When my iPhone won't do what I told it, or it's doing something I didn't ask it to do.

    * Ditto for my PC

    * Ditto for my so-called 'smart' TV, which often talks too much, it's voice sounding like it is under water.

    * When I can't find something I'm looking for.

    * When I know I've forgotten something But can't remember what it was.

    * When I put something down, & immediately forget where I put it, such as the spoon I was using to stir a saucepan, or where I last put my phone & it is making noises, wanting me to answer a call, & I still can't locate it.

    * If I leave my glasses in an unusual place, get distracted, or as when I simply walked off to have a snooze, leaving them on the counter, then forgetting completely that was what I'd done.

    * Leaving cooking ingredients out after use, often overnight, before I realise.

    * Dropping things on the floor

    * Knocking things over, & onto the floor, or & liquid is involved, it's spreading everywhere,

    * When I am trying, & have to keep trying, to make my body feel comfortable, at least enough to sleep, or walk, or sit up a little longer, or cook, or do anything really, & my body just seems to want to not be helpful or co-operative.

    I don't feel grateful when I feel miserable or when I feel I can' do anything. It's these times which erode any progress I have thought I've made over the last (almost) 30 years. That's a bigger, wider, all-encompassing, like climate is to weather, frustration.

    More later, I've got to get ready to go out, get another blood test. I think, despite my concerted effort to drink more water, my kidneys still don't seem to be putting out enough, so another blood test could be a good idea my GP has had.

    mmMekitty

  23. Ggrand
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    14 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi Kitty,

    Awe sweetheart..it’s so hard to be grateful sometimes...You Haagen been through so much this past week or so...Please try hard to no be so hard on yourself..

    A lot on your list I can relate too...I remember a few times...yes a few times leaving my glasses on when I went into the shower😂..I noticed when they fogged up...

    I had a habit of putting my car keys anywhere...and it took hours to find them...my support worker suggested that I hang some hooks on my kitchen wall...and whenever I come home to immediately hang my keys on one of them...it worked...My phone...yeah...I still misplace it a lot...mostly it’s on silent so that’s hard to find...I try to remember where I put it....only to find it’s still in my hand bag....We, well a lot of people I think when feeling anxious, depressed do have some type of trouble remembering where things have been put....or concentrating on things..

    I do hope your blood test are positive for you..

    Good luck, beautiful lady...

    Sending to you via...internet cyber express a gentle warm hug 🤗, full of my care and good wishes...

    Grandy..

  24. mmMekitty
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    14 January 2022 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi everyone,

    Thanks Grandy, your hugs are so uniquely yours, so warm & tender.

    So I went with my helper, up the road, got the blood test, then stopped at the bakery, & had a sausage roll & bought a custard pie for later. When sitting to eat, (outdoors), my phone rang, & it was the nurse who had arrived at my place to tend the drainage tube.

    I had completely forgotten, as if I'd never scheduled the time which they would arrive every day. I'd phoned them to let them know, because I still had one drain, I would still need someone to visit me I only did that two days ago.

    So, after eating we went to get (hopefully), milk & some chicken Not a big shopping, or taking more than ten minutes in the shop. Although I din't find exactly what I wanted in a cut of chicken, we did find a little. So much was not available.! Even the few shelves we passed, were two-thirds, three-quarters empty.

    I know I was anxious to get back home, because the nurse might be able to get to my place soon, she had said. & being in pain while moving, just because we humans don't glide nearly as smoothly as you might have thought, until every step makes some pain in parts that don't usually hurt while walking...plus the noise, plus I hate the machines, & it complained about how my helper had put my shopping in my shopping bag before it was ready, so there's this notice to wait for assistance...a couple minutes felt like 10, & I felt I was going to have a 'melt down'. My helper don't know just how close I was to being so overwhelmed in that moment.

    In the end it was fine. I phoned the office & apologised, & while talking the nurse phoned me to say she could be at my place in just a little while. I used the 'hold & accept' my phone offers when someone phones while I'm talking to someone already. That worked good, & so I told the office what the nurse had said.

    Then I realised I'd forgotten my morning meds! Sitting right there where I had put them ready to have after breakfast.

    *

    Sudden noises are startling me more than usual. I keep thinking someone is outside, at my door, or window, too close, as if trying to either get my attention or to bother me.

    *

    I think 'Find My iPhone' ought to have a feature which would tell me, 'Where was the last place I put my phone down?' & have it tell me, something like, 'In the bathroom, on the window sill', or 'On the table next to the front door' - as specific as that.

    mmMekitty

  25. Croix
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    14 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Dear mmMeKitty~

    Frankly I think the "instantly frustrating' things." are topped by the fact you have had a large operation only a few days ago, you have that add to all your other hassles. Frankly I think (from the point of view of a lowly walrus that eats raw seafood) that it is a real wonder you can cook, let alone mention it it so off-handedly - you can get to make slips when you attempt a lot!

    Sometimes when I've made a string of mistakes I fire up a comedy recorded from a radio program, or something similar where I can just sit and listen, forgetting the chaos I've caused.

    One I find relaxing is the very long running (now sadly finished "News from Lake Wobegon", the ongoing tale of life in a fictitious Minnesota rural town where "All the women are strong, all the men good looking, and all the children above average"

    Many episodes are now available to the public, with a sample here. It may be a bit fiddly to navigate though the lot, perhaps have a try then leave it until you want a challenge.

    https://poorstuart.com/podcast-series/Prairie-Home-Companions-News-from-Lake-Wobegon/135/

    The home page is here, though it offers the full shows -which are large - , not just the news.

    https://www.prairiehome.org/index.html#

    Something very different, it was a staple since the 80's on America's National Public Radio. It's wry humor and gentle digs combine with an insight into human nature that appeals to me. One of my ambitions was to travel to the Fitzgerald Theater, St Paul, where the show was recorded weekly. Sadly will not happen now:(

    Croix

  26. mmMekitty
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    14 January 2022 in reply to Croix

    Wasn't that part of "This American Life" with Ira Glass?

    By the way, my frustrating thin crept in from some years ago. It's the last year or so which I've thought these things are eithr more frequently frustrating or more intensely frustrating. I'm feeling more often & easily grumpier with each passing season.

    Now, I'm 🙀💤grumble, grumble, & that ain't me snoring.

  27. Croix
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    15 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Dear Grumplestiltskin~

    No, Ira's TAL is based in Chicago and has no relation to a Prairie Home Companion which was produced by Minnesota Public Radio. It started in rudimentary form in the mid 70's and kept on until a couple of years ago.

    Actually I don't blame you being grumpy, it is very frustrating that matters that should be easy have hiccups and stall. I have become a lot more impatient in recent years for the same sort of reasons. Easy tasks that basically should require no thought become bogged down.

    Good the nurse's visit worked out, did the last tube come out?

    It sounds by your more than usual reaction to noise that you are a bit jumpy. Not surprising, I get that from stress. Hopefully things will settle down.

    If you really have serious trouble misplacing your phone you can get a key-chain whistle you attach to it. Then you press a button and the device beeps. If you always kept the button at the same place it might work -what do you think?

    Croix

  28. mmMekitty
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    15 January 2022 in reply to Croix

    hmm, funny how you managed to spell "Grumplestiltskin" just right! 😺

    So, we can't be absolutely sure what I remember hearing on ABC radio a few (I dare not try to pin a date on it) decades ago.

    Left side drain is still in & the upper arm is still sore, especially underarm, & tight nearby, & the point where the drain goes in underneath is very tender, & sometimes gives me spikey pain. There is still a larger swollen area, (part of which is me, I know), that feels so in the way. When I lie down it's like having footy socks in the area, so uncomfortable, but I can't remove them!

    I'm not comfortable on my right side, yet, because there is still the wound from that drainage tube, & some swelling & pain in that upper arm & underarm, & it feels too tight & under too much pressure to lie on.

    I've got very sensitive spots on or near the long incision. It's difficult to find any clothes comfortable to wear. The fabrics tend to little more than tickle. It is irritating.

    Some of my skin feels so tight I want to use moisturiser on it now, but was told not to yet.

    Sometimes, I get so tired of the sensations, & spikey/stabby pains when I get up & move about, or even twist in my chair, reaching a little say out or back, I just want it to stop NOW. I go in & lie down, until the feelings settle again. Then I calm down. Then, I know I have to get up again, & it all starts again. I think this is certainly contributing to my fatigue,& mood, & when I can't seem to concentrate on what I'm doing or listening to.

    I started listening to another book, half a dozen times, just to try to understand what is supposed to be going on with the first character. Oh, well, I tell myself, it isn't going anywhere, so long as it's up on YouTube. It does get difficult to go back just a little bit though, because it is hart to see how much time will have elapsed at any point on the slider. I try, but it's, you know, frustrating!

    Oh, & everything apparently simple, expected to take a few seconds or minuts to complete takes at least 3 or 4 times longer these days! Have you noticed that? Especially when advise, this survey or form will only take a few minutes of your time? Half an hour later or I have quit before then....frustrating!

    mmMekitty aka Grumplestiltskin, but always your LRC 😻

  29. Croix
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    15 January 2022 in reply to mmMekitty

    Dear LRC~

    One thing in your last post did ring a bell, and that was difficulties concentrating on a book/video. Frustrating, worrying and it deprives you of the interesting material you might otherwise have used or enjoyed.

    I was in the same situation the first time in hospital, my concentration was zero and I'd been a speed-reader in the past. At that time I was hopeless and would reread a paragraph again and again - and get nowhere.

    A kind nurse lent me some adolescents' fantasy novels, and one particular author packed puns and plays on words into just about every sentence, for example "Boot Rear" is a fizzy soda that, when drunk, causes you to feel a swift kick to your bottom. I am most fond of high jinks involving language.

    This sparked my interest in each sentence and reading thus became an end in itself, without having to grasp the overall plot. As time went on things improved. Now I'm back devouring a a book in an evening given the chance.

    As for surveys that promise to take "Just a few minutes of you time", if they promised to take "Just 26 hours" would you even start?

    Croix aka W.A.Spooner (whoo is ex-seedingly de-lited to sllep "Grumplestiltskin" write)

  30. mmMekitty
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    15 January 2022 in reply to Croix

    I find listening to audiobooks is rather like speed reading, for me. I was not a quick reader at the best of times. But I really didn't want to rush & miss anything, even when trying to get to where the 'really good bits' would be.

    I get through a lot of books now. If I had a really good memory I'd be struggling to find enough of the kind of books I am sure I will enjoy. So, in a way, it's good to forget so much that when I go & read a book after six monhs or a year, it is almost like reading it for the first time. That's fine for fiction or poetry. When it comes to factual books, I would like to retain what I learn a whole lot more.

    When I began really enjoying reading, I got into Stephen King. I still enjoy his books, although some seem well, like a little more work could be done on them. & I'm not so keen on the supernatural stuff as I was then. I've liked many science fiction books too. If one is a part of a series, I want to know I can read the whole series before I begin. I also have thoroughly enjoyed Terry Pratchett. He was so full of ideas & playing with language too, apparently frivolous but often discussing societal concepts.

    mmMekitty 🙀

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