Welcome to the Healthy Families forums!

This is a space to ask questions, share experiences and support each other. Find a relevant thread or start your own!

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community and have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

  • share on Facebook
  • share on Twitter
  • Print page

Topic: Is my mum a narcissist?

22 posts, 0 answered
  1. 24yearoldgirl
    24yearoldgirl avatar
    8 posts
    23 July 2020

    I have been caring for my mum since 2010, when she had a head injury..

    the past few years we have been living in a tent.. she drove up and down and all around the country like a physcopath. It damaged me big time. But I never left.

    It was the night before my birthday, and she grabbed my wrist and said she felt like hitting me because I wouldn’t shut up. She thinks it’s not abusive.

    I am now going to court to defend her from her dvo.

    she complains that her life is ruined, but I’m 24 and have not had a single friend or dad or any family at all apart from her.. I’ve been completely isolated..

    she grew up in a Dysfunctional family and has no social life.

  2. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3133 posts
    23 July 2020 in reply to 24yearoldgirl

    Hey 24yearoldgirl,

    Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you have shown your strength in reaching out here tonight to share your story. We are so sorry to hear about your situation. Please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse. We can hear how upset and isolated you are feeling at the moment, but please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space and our community is here to support you through this.

    We would also strongly urge that you get in touch with our friends at 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or through online chat at https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 
    We'd also welcome you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, as well as advice and referrals.

    However if ever you feel unsafe, please contact triple zero and ask for the police.

    We know it has taken courage for you to share your story here, so thank you for taking such a brave step. We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and if you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.



     

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    1310 posts
    24 July 2020 in reply to 24yearoldgirl

    hey and welcome to the forums!!
    So many of us have ties to our families that bring us down, that's really difficult to hear you feel so isolated and alone

    In a healthy relationship, the person wants you to be everything you can be - happy, connected to others, growing etc. The boundaries in this r/ship don't allow you to do this, so in some ways I do think your Mum is inappropriate.

    Just want to tell you for what its worth, many many people here have gone through this (me included) and we are all here for you, and won't judge you, whatever you decide to do in this situation.

    Hope you are doing well over this time and sending you strength!!

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Blake_S
    Mentor
    • Masters of Psychology student on placement
    Blake_S avatar
    37 posts
    29 July 2020 in reply to 24yearoldgirl
    Hey there 24yearoldgirl,

    Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, and thank you for having the strength and courage to post about what has been going on for you. I am also, so sorry to hear about the abuse you have suffered from your mother and your current situation. Please know that the forums are a safe place to express your feelings and tell your story, we are all here to support you.

    I can imagine it has been a painful, distressing and difficult time for you, and it sounds like you've put your mother's respective wants before your own. As a fellow 24-year-old girl, I know how important supports are, and I'm so sorry that your mother has left you completely isolated. I hope that by posting on the forums, you can feel some sense of community and support, I know I feel this way.

    I was wondering how you have been feeling since you last posted and how you are feeling about going to court to defend her from the dvo? I don't know the details about the dvo, but as Sophie_M said, you have the right to live free from abuse - so please, do use the above resources whenever you need. If you ever need to talk, we are always here for you.

    I'm so glad you posted.

    My thoughts are with you,
    Blake_S
    2 people found this helpful
  5. 24yearoldgirl
    24yearoldgirl avatar
    8 posts
    31 July 2020 in reply to Blake_S

    Hi everyone, thank you all for your nice comments & info..

    I’ve been busy lately with everything going on and also having some medical problems..

    I’m trying to find a balance with everything now.. I’m taking each day as it comes and doing my best to look after myself as well..

    There were a lot of times where I felt completely distressed, overwhelmed, and alone..

    I know that it doesn’t help me to be negative all the time, so I’m trying to focus on healing myself now..

    The court has agreed to cancel the 5 year domestic order against my mum, if we get some counselling..

    Hope you’re all doing well in this pandemic/covid time..

    Thanks again

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    1310 posts
    1 August 2020

    good luck with it all !

    it's okay to feel upset about what has happened... i know negativity can be all consumed, but grief and pain are totally allowed, you've been through so much. Good luck with counselling and happy that you have some peace with the DVO being cancelled. Great news. Take care of yourself, please feel free to write anytime!

    1 person found this helpful
  7. 24yearoldgirl
    24yearoldgirl avatar
    8 posts
    11 August 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hey guys,

    feeling a little overwhelmed..

    the only counsellor available is $1000 for a certificate, to end the court order..

    just had another huge fight with my mum last night.. she was literally filming me having a breakdown, saying she was going to exploit me to the link for not caring for her properly..
    she thinks I’m a physco and something is wrong with me.. I’m actually becoming unhealthy..

    Don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore, wondering whether it’s even worth going to the counselling appointment tomorrow.

    always trying to do the right thing, and get better, than I get knocked back down again..

    not sure whether to leave or stay

  8. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    1310 posts
    11 August 2020

    hey !

    I'm sorry i don't understand so well re the DV order- and the counselling - if you go to counselling they drop the charges agaist your mum? I'm really sorry it's on me as I don't know much about the system - i don't like the wya your mum spoke to you so much and put you in a position of feeling like its all your fault.

    I wanted to share with you this video - does it apply to you?

    https://www.sbs.com.au/ondemand/video/1562351683575/things-gaslighters-say

  9. 24yearoldgirl
    24yearoldgirl avatar
    8 posts
    11 August 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hey, thanks again for your reply..

    yes, if we get counselling, the court order is dropped.. the appointment is booked in for tomorrow, and already paid for, went halves on the money with mum..

    don’t really want to go, but guess I have to now..

    I had a chat with 1300 mental health team, and she recommended me to go my own way, and take a big leap of faith..

    still not really sure what to do, have to stay around for this court case..

    thanks for the video, it does sound like that.. she definitely has a lack of understanding why I’m upset, and does blame me a lot

    I’ll keep y’all updated later,

    peace out

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    1310 posts
    11 August 2020

    Hey,

    proud of you for reaching out to the 1300 number. It's not easy to do. Sometimes I make excuses for not doing it, and leave it too late. I'm glad you found the strength to do so. So they were advising you not to go to the counselling?

    I just want to let you know, you are supported here and will be heard and listened to whatever you do.
    And don't worry too muc about the money paid for the counselling. Sometimes through this process unfortunately we do have to pay for things to keep safe at the time, or even for services we don't use...

    the most improtant thing is what will help you - don't worry about the 500 dollars, just worry about what you need to do for you :)

  11. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    1310 posts
    11 August 2020

    hope you can keep calling the helpline if you need more services -

    i feel a bit out of my depth as I don't know enough about DVOs... i'm so sorry about that, i only know about the journey of trying to separate from toxic parents, but have not had the DVO element in my story. I do'nt know whats best there.

    But I do highly recommend 1800 Respect as a 24 hour safe place to talk. They take a very feminist approach to supporting women, and just letting them be heard. they don't put you down.

    Good luck xx

    1 person found this helpful
  12. 24yearoldgirl
    24yearoldgirl avatar
    8 posts
    13 August 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi, sorry to hear that you’ve been going through stuff as well.. thank you for taking the time to hear my story and for your replies..

    we went to the appointment yesterday, and got the letter to end the court case..

    we did reach an understanding of each other’s views..

    However last night, mum said that I can trust her, and asked if I wanted a hug..

    I can’t just let my guard down, after all the hurt.. so we did get into an argument again.

    will call the 1800 number if I need too

    feeling better today after a good sleep..

    take care

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    1310 posts
    13 August 2020

    Hey - thank you for showing empathy to me and for being so caring
    I can understand your confusion/hurt over your mum changing gears and now offering hugs and reassuring you that you can trust her....

    Trust is very hard for me too.
    I recommended 1800 RESPECT because they helped me get another perspective, when I wasn't sure if the problem was me or the other person. Peope who have experienced abuse tend to question themselves and take the pain inward. speaking to 1800 RESPECT helped me understand that the other person was abusing me. I still struggle and blame myself, so it is invaluable to have a healthy opinion.

    1 person found this helpful
  14. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    1631 posts
    13 August 2020 in reply to 24yearoldgirl

    Dear 24yo girl

    I'm sorry you're in this situation.

    It's very sad when you can't trust your mum, to not be violent with you. I was in the same kind of situation.

    Do you have stable housing now?

    I'm just hoping there can be a way to organise some type of housing eg applying for a Housing Commission home.

    The 1800RESPECT number has highly trained Counsellors and you can be put through to a Psychologist specific to your issues and they are SO HELPFUL, I cannot recommend them highly enough. You can phone anonymously but I never do. I gave my name and they've been able to keep records which has been SO helpful when I've called the next time.

    I always thought it was the last time I would call.

    I want you to know that you have OUR full support whilst you navigate through your life.

    I would like to see you being able to be independent of your mum at some point.
    Do you think you could do this?

    There are LOTS of supports that can step in to help your mum and the RESPECT helpline can give you some numbers as well as the BB helpline.

    I'm sure you have hopes and dreams for your own life and YOU need to be able to live these too.
    You may need alot of support to understand what happened and how it has affected you.
    What's happened is not your fault, you are not to blame. But with pure intent I want you to be aware that if you don't learn how to spot and distance yourself from abusive people, the cycle may continue.

    You don't have to answer any of my questions at all, it may help us to help you if you can.

    Please let us know how you're going.

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  15. 24yearoldgirl
    24yearoldgirl avatar
    8 posts
    19 August 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hi EM,

    sorry I’ve been busy lately..

    im still unsure on whether to leave, so I’m trying my best to do everything well, so at least I can say I tried my best, rather than being sad & depressed..

    it was more mental abuse for me.. and the threats of hitting me..

    she did have a stroke, and has brain injury as well, so maybe that has an effect on the way she acted..

    We are doing ok now, we’re in temporary accomodation, at an affordable weekly rate, because of coronavirus.. we have lived in housing in the past, but it isn’t great..

    not sure what’s going to happen next, but think I’ll be ok..

    I know how to be independent, but I’ll always question whether it’s the right thing to do just now.

    thanks for your comment & advice,

    take care, bye for now

  16. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    1310 posts
    21 August 2020

    hey there

    i hope you are safe

    unforunately mental and verbal abuse is also very hurtful and harmful, and sometimes harder to regonise. thank you for sharing here how you are going. Hope things are okay with u and ur mum.

    2 people found this helpful
  17. 24yearoldgirl
    24yearoldgirl avatar
    8 posts
    26 August 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hey guys,

    so we went to court again this morning, they said they would finalise it, but instead they won’t accept the mediation/counselling letter.. so we just wasted $1000!

    mum won’t accept a one year good behaviour order, and believes she is the aggrieved.. And even threatened to take me to court..

    last night we had another argument, this time she did assault me.

    again, I’m feeling unsure of whether to stay or go!
    starting to think it’s my fault for pushing her buttons

    and then I feel sorry for her cause of her problems

    Do I forgive and move on, or get away from her ?

     

     

  18. Sophie_M
    Sophie_M avatar
    3133 posts
    26 August 2020 in reply to 24yearoldgirl
    Hi 24yearoldgirl,

    We are sorry to hear that things are not improving between you and your mum. Please know we take reports of abuse seriously and conitnue to be concerned about your wellbeing.

    We’ve asked our Support Service to check in with you via email to ensure that you’re safe. We're here to support you as much as you need, and we’d urge you to continue to reach out for help.  If you are in immediate danger, please call 000.
     
    If you are not in immediate danger, we'd suggest reaching out to 1800RESPECT like others have mentioned here (1800 737 732/ https://www.1800respect.org.au/). 

    Our community will be here to continue to support you through this difficult time. Keep checking back in whenver you feel up to it. 
    1 person found this helpful
  19. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    1631 posts
    26 August 2020 in reply to 24yearoldgirl

    Dear 24yogirl

    The ONLY way to stop the abuse (to you) or at least minimise it is to do all three... in reverse order.

    Get away, forgive her and move on. In a NEW relationship from your side. With VERY defined boundaries. Hitting you is NOT on.

    Call the Police and make a report.

    You need HELP in this situation and no one will give it to you unless you ask. Then keep asking.
    And push for it.

    Your mum could be housed in a special type of Housing Commission for people with disabilities.
    It's less, you know... noisy. I know 2 people who are in this type of housing and they have lovely caring neighbours and carers. Plus the townhouses are BEAUTIFUL! I'd live there in a heartbeat.

    Then your mum could get services LAID ON for her..... NDIS provides for SO much!
    One of these ladies get $400k per year NDIS funding and she can't even spend it all. She has the works going on.
    Carers cooking for her. Bathing her. Toileting her. Doing everything for her. She needs this support very much so I'm grateful it's there for her.

    YOU DO TOO.

    Even accompanying your mum to Drs appointments or ANY appointments etc etc is funded.

    You need to cut this.
    Break out.
    Break free and begin to live your own life, free from guilt and abuse.

    Your mother sounds almost exactly like mine. ALWAYS the "aggrieved" never the abuser.
    What she did to all of us was nothing short of criminal and monstrous.

    It takes YEARS to recover from a childhood of this type of abuse.
    If you break free now, you can get that help and learn how to live very differently.

    I urge you to do this asap.

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    1310 posts
    26 August 2020 in reply to 24yearoldgirl

    stay strong

    and you can definitely love your mother fiercely while also leaving...how are you feeling? do u have the ability to leave?

    2 people found this helpful
  21. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    1310 posts
    26 August 2020
    if she assaulted you, tht's not your fault. That's like saying its someone's fault if they are crossing a road and a car speeds up against the lights, god forbid, bumping them. It's not your fault in any way. But this is very very hard to see at the time
    2 people found this helpful
  22. 24yearoldgirl
    24yearoldgirl avatar
    8 posts
    7 September 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi everyone,

    im sorry I’ve been offline lately.. I appreciate all your comments and advice.

    i probably won’t be posting so much, as I now have a local DV councillor, and she’s going to be at court this week..

    Take care everyone, and I’ll remember to call that 1800 number if need be

    Kind regards

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up