Topic: 5 week old baby. She threatening divorce. again. How long should I give it?

we had our 3rd child 5 weeks ago. My close family members told us we should have terminated the pregnancy but we didnt. So here we are. With a 3 and 5 year old already and our 3rd baby at 44.

My wife and I had a great relationship before kids. But whenever she became pregnant, and especially post natally, she turns into a different person (unrecognisable in fact) for reasons I will never know. Imagine PMS on steroids, with sleep deprivation.

She decided she wanted a 3rda year ago but I was hesitatant....but I was desperate for intimacy/sex, so at 44 we have our 3rd child now. My family members warned me against keeping the 3rd as we had a rocky relationship with just the 2 kids.

About 1 week after the recent birth, she turned into this raging, angry, irrational critical monster and now I cannot do anything wrong. I am back sleeping on the couch, and our other 2 kids are playing up BIG time, screaming and seemingly anxious at their situation. We recently reloated interstate which doesnt help.

I am literally in hell.

She says I dont lift a finger (not true) I am inconsiderate and an ass. In reality I look after the other 2 kids about 40 hours a week, more than my fulltime job. I am exhausted. She is more so.

She says she cant do this anymore and wants us to divorce. She wants 50/50 and says the issues cannot be fixed. We tried counselling in the past but gave up, as the counsellor said my wife is "unable to see any point of view except her own". My wife ended the sessions last time citing a waste of time.

I have been on antidepressants since our second child, triggered by the unhappy relationship and the negativity and criticisms.

We are 5 weeks in and she is threatening. What do I do? I am so over this abuse and anger, but I love my family for what it represents, and with kids so young. would i really get regular time with them if we separate

How long should I give it? I am so worried about destroying the potential that our family unit will get back to its old self....

help!

Hi wallabyjack,

Sorry you are feeling this way.

Im sorry that your wife is behaving in the way she is I understand this would be difficult.. maybe you could encourage your wife to see her gp and discuss her behaviour……… sometimes women go through post natal anxiety or post natal depression after having children and this can effect someone internally.

Does your wife currently see a child health nurse with the baby? They usually conduct a test each time you go in to see if you have these conditions.

They need to be treated if someone has them….. the condition itself is very hard on the suffer.

Im sorry yourself and the kids are feeling stressed I understand it would be hard.

If your feeling anxious you could also make an appointment with your gp and discuss how you are feeling.

Hey there Jack,

I can see you're having a really hard time right now and you're not sure where to turn or what to do. You've been struggling with your mental health while copping abuse from your wife.. Being told that you do nothing to help when in fact you devote all your time into your kids. I can see that you're a great parent, and you're a great partner who wants to make things work, and you've really tried to. Your other 2 kids have been acting up, perhaps because they can sense what is going on between you and her.

You really don't deserve the abuse and criticism, and I'm proud of you for recognising the behaviour for what it is.

I can understand that you would take responsibility for destroying the family unit that you've built if you both separated. I don't know the whole situation, but from what you've written, it really sounds like you've tried to make things work and your wife hasn't been willing to hear your point of view or make it work. With that in mind, I hope you can come to a place where you realise that you can't take the blame for the marriage not working if you both decide to seperate.

As Petal mentioned, it does sound like post natal depression or anxiety is fitting for what she was experiencing after the birth..

I'm curious.. When your wife talked about wanting 50/50 and that the issues can't be fixed.. Was this in a fit of anger? Would it be possible to have a sit down conversation and figure out what it would look like if you both separated (ie. the time you would have with the kids)?

This is a really complex situation.. I'm here to chat if you need it and if you're comfortable with sharing.

I hope you're taking care and I'd love to hear from you <3

Dear Wallabyjack, 

We hope that posting and receiving support has helped you to feel even slightly better. 

It sounds like you are living in quite a volatile domestic situation, and it all sounds very stressful. We can hear that you really want to keep the family unit together. 

You might want to consider contacting 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. They are contactable on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/

Another viable option for support might include MensLine Australia, which is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

We also have a Support Service that you are very welcome to contact to talk these feelings through. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636. 

Please continue to post as you see fit. We are always around to listen and show support and provide some (hopefully) helpful advice. 

Hello Wallabyjack, the pressure from your family to terminate the pregnancy would also be contributing to how your wife is feeling and if she is suffering from PND, but I wouldn't think going through a divorce would rectify the situation as you work hard to look after the kids, even though it's unappreciated.

Any constant reminder from your family when something may go wrong is not the encouragement either of you needs and certainly not going to help your wife, nor yourself even if your relationship is rocky and definitely having a baby in these circumstances is not going to improve any relationship.

If you do agree to a separation then a 50/50 relationship with your kids needs to be agreed on, whether you sign a paper in front of someone who acts as a responsible person in the community so it can be adhered to.

As I've said on other threads, the kids may be happier in two households, rather than unhappy in one household, and if does happen, can I suggest that you both see a counsellor and your doctor can set up a 'mental health plan', which entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions per year, and it doesn't matter if you are feeling better, having this counselling will help you with any trigger points that may arise in the future.

Geoff.