There’s been several clashes between me & her kids. We have the same parenting ideals, but different delivery methods. She comes home exhausted, needs to sleep or time on her phone (often till 1-2am). I think she has chronic fatigue. Essentially, I tried to parent her children & run things because she very rarely has the time, strength or energy.
Her kids have a deadbeat dad, they are not used to a male role model’s assertive parenting. So what works with my own kids, doesn’t work with hers - there’s no respect (for themselves or me). So there’s friction. To avoid friction, I tried to direct my concerns through my partner. This just put more pressure on her - she would rather not address the issues & keep peace & harmony in the house.
So you have kids doing whatever & her trying to absorb my frustrations. After each of these “episodes of friction” she would say “I can’t go on like this, we should never have lived together, my kids are too much for you, it’s better for you if you leave us.” Each time we would talk it through & each time I thought we resolved the issue. But looking back, I was happy to continue to try to change my delivery, but she & they were not. She’d talk to me about my actions, but never her kids. Eventually she had actually had enough & left.
I don’t think she is being a coward, I think she thinks she is doing what is best for everyone. It’s more of a martyr mentality - short term fix to a long term issue. It is easier for her to run, than try to fix it.
We share a mortgage that, because of an unforeseeable event, is more than we can afford & still have the life she wants. I can’t afford to refinance, but we were planning to downsize after some of the kids moved out.
Yes, the secret planning & deception apparently going on for at least a month, hurts almost as much as the loneliness.
Neither she nor her children (boys 20, 19 & 15) ever helped with the maintenance or renovations over the 4 years, they’re not going to start now.
Yesterday I decided to slow down & calm down. Things were moving way too fast. They may not change, but I need to give myself a break to grieve and process.
Knowing her potential motivations, I can’t be mad at her. I won’t delay things deliberately & I know when she sees the details of the financials, she will be devastated. So I want a compromise. I don’t want blood or my pound of flesh, etc.
I’ve not put her on a pedestal, I just have compassion & love for her.
Thanks for the advice 👍