Thankyou for sharing.
Warmest of welcomes to the BB forums. I know you're going to get some pretty awesome feedback from the wonderful BB members over time...
Firstly, I want to commend your incredible efforts and success with getting off smoking AND seeing what the relationship was AND doing all you're doing with finances, wow huge achievements. Be REALLY proud of yourself.
It makes perfect sense you're feeling all you're feeling. 9y is a darned long time in anyone's books to put into a relationship. Separating from bf could feel really difficult.
To me you've exited the mousewheel of it all. Truly well done.
Enough's enough. On top of all this... sex once a year and bf says you "blindsided" him?
Wow. Seems like YOU have all the insight and perspective and he doesn't.
My last marriage was with an "addict" of all sorts which he kept hidden very well.
There was lots of gaslighting throughout and worse.
He ALWAYS put his addictions before any of us.
They seemed to "own" him.
It never got better, only worse and he dragged us all down with him ... until I broke free.
There was zero remorse from him and full blame shifting on to me.
It was hell.
I'm really proud of you seeing things as they are and making the break. It takes immense strength and force of character to do this. Kudos to you.
The guilt is NOT yours to bare. You gave the relationship a really good shot. You've done all the fighting by now.
If bf would fight for himself then it could be an entirely different prospect.
But he made himself clear. He's fine with things they way they stood. All you'd be doing is 'fighting' for the wash rinse repeat cycle of the past too many years.
You cannot change him.
It's time for you to recover and move into your new life.
Are there things you're looking forward to now?
Love and bestest wishes