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Topic: Addict Break up

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Hurt87
    Hurt87 avatar
    2 posts
    28 October 2020
    Hello all

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 9 years because of his drug addiction.
    He started smoking many years ago, and smoked every day.
    For the first few years of our relationship I also smoked with him.
    When I stopped I realised we didn't really have any emotional connection. We didnt talk about much. We didnt talk about our feelings.. It seemed like our main connection was smoking together. Our sex life had never been great, we had sex maybe once a year. He told me he wasnt a sexual person.. I tried to get him to be involved in our life together. After I stopped smoking I tried to improve myself, I was exercising, meal planning, I was budgeting my money and I was getting ahead at work. He didn't want to be involved in any of these things with me. He preferred to get high
    We fought and bickered almost daily. I was very anxious a lot of the time. I felt a huge amount of resentment towards him as I felt like I was carrying the both of us through the relationship

    After another fight I started about nothing I told him something has to change and I asked him to stop smoking. He told me it was part of his personality and it was part of who he was. Why couldn't I just love him for him?
    Although I did love him I had to admit that I wasnt happy anymore. We didn't have an emotional connection or a physical connection. He is telling me he had no idea and he feels blindsided by this. He's asking me why I dont want to fight for him. But I'm at the point where I am done.
    Im feeling a huge amount of guilt as I feel I have abandoned him but also I cant be unhappy forever..

    How to get through this awful guilt of breaking up with him to save myself?
    1 person found this helpful
  2. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    2598 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to Hurt87

    Dear Hurt87

    Thankyou for sharing.
    Warmest of welcomes to the BB forums. I know you're going to get some pretty awesome feedback from the wonderful BB members over time...

    Firstly, I want to commend your incredible efforts and success with getting off smoking AND seeing what the relationship was AND doing all you're doing with finances, wow huge achievements. Be REALLY proud of yourself.

    It makes perfect sense you're feeling all you're feeling. 9y is a darned long time in anyone's books to put into a relationship. Separating from bf could feel really difficult.

    To me you've exited the mousewheel of it all. Truly well done.

    Enough's enough. On top of all this... sex once a year and bf says you "blindsided" him?
    Wow. Seems like YOU have all the insight and perspective and he doesn't.

    My last marriage was with an "addict" of all sorts which he kept hidden very well.
    There was lots of gaslighting throughout and worse.
    He ALWAYS put his addictions before any of us.
    They seemed to "own" him.
    It never got better, only worse and he dragged us all down with him ... until I broke free.
    There was zero remorse from him and full blame shifting on to me.

    It was hell.

    I'm really proud of you seeing things as they are and making the break. It takes immense strength and force of character to do this. Kudos to you.

    The guilt is NOT yours to bare. You gave the relationship a really good shot. You've done all the fighting by now.

    If bf would fight for himself then it could be an entirely different prospect.

    But he made himself clear. He's fine with things they way they stood. All you'd be doing is 'fighting' for the wash rinse repeat cycle of the past too many years.

    You cannot change him.

    It's time for you to recover and move into your new life.

    Are there things you're looking forward to now?

    Love and bestest wishes

  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8369 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to ecomama
    Hi, welcome

    Wanted to just enforce what Ecomama has said. He is pushing blame onto you so not approaching it as something he should fix.

    Denial is a brick wall.

    Once you've separated you'll see life more exciting.
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Hurt87
    Hurt87 avatar
    2 posts
    31 October 2020 in reply to ecomama
    Thank you for the reply Ecomama and thank you for sharing your story. There has been a lot of guilt tripping and blame since the break up, making it so much harder than it needs to be.
    We have a house/mortgage together and I think he will make that whole process extremely difficult.

    Im looking forward to moving closer to the city and enjoying my life again.
    1 person found this helpful

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