My partner of 5+ years has pretty severe depession. He goes through waves where he might be ok (or pretending to be ok) for months then all of a sudden will be at the bottom of the well. A few years ago was the worst and I honestly would not have been surprised if he passed away. Thankfully he hasn't been that low in a long time. We are currently in a wave right now, and it was ok, till I found he had lied to me about something he promised he wouldnt do about 6 months ago and confronted him about it.
Context, i'm the main provider. When he was at his lowest, he didnt work for about 2 years (a few casual jobs here and there), and he has a problem with impulse spending, so we have seperate finances. I've just found out he took out yet another payday loan several months ago for no reason. He just wanted money to spend. Luckily he is currently working, but if he wasn't this is something else I would need to pay for (I have bailed him out about 20 grand at this point).
He constantly accuses me of thinking of nothing but money. And I do see why he thinks that. But its hard to have a relationship were you are constantly giving and never recieving. Im constantly giving him suppourt for his depression (he wont see anyone or take medication and his family are the "get over it" sort), im giving him financial stability, i do all the housework and cooking and groceries. I know he isnt capable of making truly rational decisions when he is depressed and I know this isnt really his fault. I love him so much, but i'm really struggling with this newest admission. I thought we were finally on the same page but its "my fault" because I wouldnt give him money. I have a few thousand as im tyring to save for a house deposit for us (and i fully expect to be the sole payer).
I feel like im nothing more than a wallet. And i know i have enabled it when i was younger and wasnt aware of his diagnosis (he didnt tell me and wouldnt admit he had one). I also feel alone. All anyone tells me (friends, family even a counsellor) is that I should leave. But im so worried about what will happen to him. I know his family wont provide the suppourt he needs and he only really has 2 friends (both of whom have their own problems but are lovely people). I feel trapped by my own feelings because I do love him so much, but im realistic enough to know that life is more complicated than "love conquers all" as much as i might wish that were true.