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Topic: Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

  1. Scared and Confused
    Scared and Confused avatar
    5 posts
    29 January 2016

    I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 9 months. The first few weeks of getting together I can only describe as bliss, and I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I would get excited to see him. I couldn't stop smiling and everything that comes with being in a new relationship you really like and begin to really love.

    After the first two weeks of officially getting together though, something happened. I was at work one day and in the morning I thought that I was really falling in love with him and it made me very happy to think. However later that day when things were quiet I started to question: "Is this really what love is?" "Is this love or lust?" "Is it wrong to think like this?" Then I couldn't get these questions off my mind. I resorted to Google at the time and read horrible things like 'If you're questioning love then you're not in love.' and I started to freak out. I started to talk to my Mum and she's been helping me through it all but nothing she says really sinks in, and I still have these thoughts and question why I am having these thoughts. For the first month I woke up early mornings and unable to sleep. I was somehow able to get through this in time.

    My boyfriend knew something was up and he has been my rock and trying his best to support me through this too. However up until recently he said he cannot cope anymore because nothing is sinking in. 

    I'm now really struggling with my thoughts. I'm waking up in the morning feeling sick again like I did a long time ago and it immediately makes me think about the relationship. My palms are always sweaty and my head is always feeling fuzzy. I have thoughts racing through my head every single day and I am always tired. 

    I am on medication.

    I'm upset and I can't relax and I cannot just accept that everything in my mind is anxiety. I keep trying but unable to switch off. I have been told by my councilor that I have sever anxiety (with ODC tendencies), and by my psych that I have Depression and going through something called anhedonia. 

    My thoughts recently that I have to break up with him have been in my head and it's making me panic and cry all the time. My chest hurts, I cant breathe and sometimes feel like throwing up. I cant concentrate at work and have no motivation to do anything I used to enjoy doing. 

    4 people found this helpful
  2. PuzzlePup
    PuzzlePup avatar
    16 posts
    29 January 2016 in reply to Scared and Confused
    Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you are feeling and your condition?
  3. Scared and Confused
    Scared and Confused avatar
    5 posts
    29 January 2016 in reply to PuzzlePup

    Yes, he knows basically everything since the beginning. He reassured me that I could talk to him as much as I needed as he knows what it's like having depression and anxiety. However I have leaned on him too much that he has told me that he needs a break from my anxiety.

    We are still talking like normal. I'm doing the best I can to not talk to him about my thoughts and it is actually tough because he has been through all of this with me so far. 

  4. PuzzlePup
    PuzzlePup avatar
    16 posts
    29 January 2016 in reply to Scared and Confused

    I think the first thing is to look after yourself and get yourself well again. I felt very alone when I had anxiety and depression. I basically had to take control of my situation and fix it myself. For me, no one cared, no one else was interested, no one really understood.

    It's tough for some one who has a partner anxiety. Men like to fix things and it sounds like he's getting frustrated that he can't 'fix' you. Have you tried talking to a counselor? I found a wonderful doctor on this site. Fix you first then every else will follow

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Scared and Confused
    Scared and Confused avatar
    5 posts
    29 January 2016 in reply to PuzzlePup

    I've tried talking to a counselor but I just feel like I'm being told the same thing over and over. Bless the lady she tries to help me by saying that my thoughts are all normal, and showing me breathing exercises but I want to know why I'm having thoughts that cause me so much distress.

    The thoughts snowballed from the beginning. It went from "Do I love him? How do I know for sure?" to now "I know I love him, I know I don't want to lose him and cant be without him but why am I thinking that I should or want to break up?" - This thought now makes me cry and I begin to feel tight chested, fuzzy head, feeling sick to the stomach and a lump in my throat. 

    Every time I had been with him and talk to him, I would always cry because I didn't know how to stop these "do i love him" thoughts and knew they weren't true. There have been many times where he seemed like he would break up with me and I would just freak out and cry more, because I am scared to lose him and not being able to be with him. 

    From the beginning I always thought that having these thoughts were wrong, and that they meant something. But I was so happy and in love with my boyfriend and I became scared of my thoughts. 

    There have also been moments where I feel a burst of warmth and I know everything will be okay, and that everything I am going through is anxiety. I could be with him laying in his arms and think to myself that 'this is where I belong.' I also have visions of the future with him in it and I smile. Sometimes I just feel good and I tell him at that moment that I'm feeling really good. 

    Unfortunately they don't last long because of my thoughts.

    I know I love him, he is an amazing person and we have so much in common. We listens to me, we laugh together, enjoy each others company and he makes me feel safe. I love falling asleep and waking up next to him. There is so many things. I just wish I knew how to get past this anxiety so I can give more to the relationship and be my happy self again like I was before these thoughts even started.

     I know none of this is happening because of him. He hasn't done a thing to make me think otherwise.

  6. Feelinblu
    Feelinblu avatar
    5 posts
    29 January 2016 in reply to Scared and Confused

    Hi Sad and Confused

    Firstly, I would say that when we are feeling anxiety we automatically exaggerate small problems and even invent problems that arn't there, so it would make sense that you do everything you can to try to reduce the anxiety first. 

    Secondly your distressing thoughts may be an unconscious fear of being alone. If you know in your heart of hearts that no matter what happens with your relationship you will be ok (which you absolutely will be) then this may help. 

     You do not have to make any decisions, just trust that 'what will be will be' and go with it. 

    Hope this helps a bit X

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Smithsons
    Smithsons avatar
    13 posts
    30 January 2016

    Hey there,

    I am so, so sorry to hear about this stressful time you are going through. I don't know if I'm gonna be much in help in telling u what I have to say, but, you are not alone. In fact, I'm going through the very same thing. Thoughts and voices in my head would try and convince me, after 6 years of dating my girlfriend (who is my everything), that I didn't love her, that I'm not attracted to her. A voice would tell me This obviously means it isn't working anymore... you should break up with her, but I knew this was never the right thing to do, coz every time breaking up occurred to me, I'd simply cry and experience mini panic attacks. It'd get so crazy that sometimes if I saw another girl I knew that I found attractive, my mind would hurriedly convince me that I'm falling for that person, and therefore falling out of love with my girlfriend.

    These thoughts can get pretty scary and possessive, I know.. and when these thoughts aren't coursing through our brains (which is rare) we seem to realise wow, none of that stuff I was panicking about is true, of course I love her, of course I'm attracted to her, OF COURSE I'm not falling for the other girl. That's for me anyways.. And every time I experience these moments of clarity, I tell myself, it's your anxiety, don't believe what it has to tell u. But I know exactly what u mean by it being hard to simply flick a switch on the things your brain thinks up.

    I am really sorry that I can't offer any advice to u about how to help this situation, I definitely know how dark and stressful it can all get.

    Hang in there,

    you are not alone.

     

    Smithsons.

    4 people found this helpful
  8. Scared and Confused
    Scared and Confused avatar
    5 posts
    30 January 2016 in reply to Feelinblu

    Hi Feelinblu,

    I'm not sure what the fear is. However I know for certain that I don't want to lose him because of my anxiety. The day I thought about breaking up at first, I thought maybe it would be better off for him even though I knew that I would not be happy with it and wouldn't cope well at all. I feel so terrible to put him through my troubles and thought it would be best for him, not so much for me.

    I spoke to someone yesterday that went through the same thing and has gotten through this particular type of anxiety. I explained to her how I feel when these thoughts happen, the panic attacks, the pain I feel and she could also see how upset I was just talking about it.

    She said that she can clearly see that I love him or else none of this would be effecting me like it has been. That I have to keep fighting. That sometimes these thoughts seem real but that is what the disease does to us.

    She and others I have spoken to believe it was my previous relationship. That I never had closure. Even if I was the one to end it. That I was emotionally and mentally abused for 5 years.

    My last relationship was my first and lasted 5 years. He was very controlling however I never really realized. Anytime I felt happy in the relationship, he would come out and say everything was wrong and I was doing something bad which I didn't know was wrong. I always did the best I can to 'fix' things. But whenever I would start to feel happy again, something was wrong. He never really spoke nice to me. We only saw each other on the weekends. He basically made me feel like an option - that I was there whenever he wanted. 

    I came to him two months before the split and for the first time I said I was unhappy and things needed to change. He did okay for two weeks before again turning it on me, making me feel like I had to fix it again.

    I ended up breaking up with him but he kept sticking around and always would say I made the wrong choice, and would make me feel so guilty and making sure i knew HOW HURT AND ANGRY he was. He stopped talking to me after I got together with my current boyfriend.

    The time between these relationships would have been about 6 months, but I couldn't help but feel the way I did about my current boyfriend and felt ready to be with him, that's how happy I was. I know that if I wasn't ready I would have kept waiting.

  9. Scared and Confused
    Scared and Confused avatar
    5 posts
    30 January 2016 in reply to Smithsons

    Hi Smithsons,

     I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this too. 

    I get those moments of clarity too, and I think the same thing that this is all only just anxiety and i'm so stressed out - but everything will be okay. But it still doesn't stop the thoughts coming. 

    I love my boyfriend so much. I know I don't want to lose him. Even with the thoughts sometimes like 'I don't love him' or 'break up' I can just feel everything in myself disagreeing with the thoughts, that I KNOW that's not what I want or feel, and I cry because I become confused.

    I sometimes get scared that it isn't the anxiety talking or generating these thoughts. Sometimes I think "What if these thoughts are true and i'm anxious because i'm trying to tell myself they're not true?" but I feel that if I really didn't love him, I would know and I would walk away (like i did in my previous relationship). That if I wanted to break up, that I would break up. I wouldn't be going through any of this.

    I feel that if these thoughts were real, then I wouldn't have such a fuzzy head that feels like its going to explode, that I wouldn't be going through all these panic attacks and crying so much and feeling my chest hurt as much as it does.  

    3 people found this helpful
  10. Feelinblu
    Feelinblu avatar
    5 posts
    30 January 2016 in reply to Scared and Confused

    Believe me I know how distressing these thoughts can be. But like me it also sounds as though you are very hard on yourself. You use terms such as needing 'to fix it' and 'being terrible to put him through my troubles'

    Herein probably lies the problem. It is not him or your relationship that you need to worry about, but focus on you, what you need right now.

    If you are down and anxious then your boyfriend needs to accept that and support you. Don't feel guilty about it, he has to accept all of you good and bad. If you need to talk through it with him for hours then so be it. If he can't accept that, it is his problem not yours. He will respect you more if you you respect yourself first. 

    Please believe me when I say you are much stronger than you think. Do nice things for yourself that make you feel good about yourself. 

    Take care X

  11. Guest_51B6E3AB
    Guest_51B6E3AB avatar
    1 posts
    8 December 2016

    Scared and Confused and Smithsons, I read your post and it was like it was coming from my own head. I am right in the middle of feeling like you have described and it has given me unimaginable comfort to read your story. Thank you for being brave and speaking out. Thank you for giving me hope and optimism.

    I hope we all find some comfort in sharing our stories, but most of all I hope we all find a way to manage what at times feels overwhelmingly impossible. I never thought I would join a forum like this until tonight. I got home from work and felt so hopeless at my thoughts that I didn't know how to cope or what to do. Thankyou for bringing me comfort, at a time when I truly didn't think anything could help.

    MANY thanks

    1 person found this helpful
  12. FeelslikeROCD
    FeelslikeROCD avatar
    1 posts
    22 February 2017 in reply to Guest_51B6E3AB

    Just like to reiterate the thanks from Guest_30 toward Scared and Confused and Smithsons. Can completely relate to all said. Finding an article that is described in such detail and which really helps you feel not so alone in your struggles is such a treasure

    I'm a guy, 33, and have just had my first full encounter with anxiety beginning about 2 1/2 months back. It's all about thoughts relating to whether or not I like my girlfriend. Seems weird that I would get so distressed, anxious and perhaps above all, confused about feeljng convinced that I had to break up with with someone I'd only been seeing for a couple of months. And I suppose that's why I decided it didn't feel right and tried a therapist for the first time in my life

    My thoughts are almost identical to those described in posts above, but I'll add a few of my own none the less. Doubts about my feelings toward my girlfriend. Maybe I'm not really into her, I'm wasting her time. I'm just going to hurt her, and because I'm empathetic and care about her, then it'll hurt us both. And yet all evidence points to the contrary: I do like her. I'm always making plans to hang out and enjoying it when we do. I admire her, respect her, enjoy her company, have excellent sexual chemistry with her. None of this is supposed to suggest that it's perfect - rather that it's awesome, and doesn't fit the bill for something I'd want to end

    I get anxiety attacks when I have these serious doubts and feel maybe I'm going to lose her to my very strong thoughts that I should break up with her. I have to quickly find a private place in my sharehouse, such as my room, to pant loudly and sob. The thoughts become unstoppable

    Again, seems strange to get so upset about the prospect of losing someone you've only recently met, and with whome you're not even in love with yet right? Yet that may be the reason it sucks so bad: I'm sad about losing her, but also realising this would probably happen with anyone I was with

    It's early days in my battle. My therapist gave mixed results, helping me with managing anxiety on the one hand suggesting mindfulness etc, but perhaps not really getting, or believing that I actually like my girlfriend. And this really didn't help. I'm hoping to find another who understands

    Because the notion of anxiety is so new to me, it can get so easy to doubt some days, and I think I'm just being weak and stupid and need to face up and break up. Then the cycle of confusion and anxiety repeats

    Best of guys

    1 person found this helpful
  13. em.ilyxx
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    em.ilyxx avatar
    2 posts
    3 May 2017

    I hope that atleast one of you are still active on this forum. I couldn't believe how much this post resognated with me. I feel like I am going crazy.

    i too had gotten out of a 4 year year relationship and even though I planned to stay single for as long as I could, 8 months later I met my current boyfriend. We have been together for 7 months. When we first met it was that absolute bliss you speak about, however shortly after I noticed I was comparing every little detail to my ex boyfriend. Down to how he dressed and how he spoke. It was awful.

    It continued and after a few traumatic experiences I've gotten into an absolute anxious and panicked state where my anxiety is telling me I need to break up with my boyfriend. But then when I think about it, I feel even worse and conflicted. My boyfriend is everything I wanted that my ex couldn't or wouldn't give me. The only thing is I don't have that intense feeling with him like I did my ex (probably because the relationship was so up and down and he would leave me all the time so I believe I got obsessed with the Highs when he was actually amazing). I planned my entire life with my ex and we lived as if we were married... despite getting exactly what I wanted with someone else it still doesn't compare to the feelings I had with my ex. I believe this is what is making me feel so anxious. I also don't want to talk to anyone because if I say I feel sick or like I have a gut feeling the first thing google or anyone else will tell me is to leave my current relationship- BUT I DONT WANT TOO! It's so insane.. I want to be with my partner all the time because I feel safe and have that normality with him but when I'm alone, the anxious thoughts tel me I need to break up with him because I don't feel as intensely as I did before! How did you guys end up? Please tell me it has improved?

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Peart
    Peart avatar
    9 posts
    5 May 2017 in reply to em.ilyxx

    Hi there,

    I understand what you feel. I too suffer from severe anxiety and depression and it's been driving me crazy. It's like a little devil pinpointing out all the bad things about my boyfriend and talking me into breaking up when he's not there, even though there's nothing I could ask more from him. But when he's there I feel whole and normal again. I think the important thing here is that you need to externalise your thoughts. Try to seperate the depression/anxiety talking and yourself. Don't compare yourself to the last relationship because that just makes you cling on to the past. Maybe talk to your boyfriend about your situation so he'd understand if there were anytime you were not yourself, so he can hopefully understand and calm you down.

    What I say may sound cliche but it works. It works for me and hopefully it'll work for you too. I'm still battling with depression and anxiety and it seems to take forever but again, communication is the key.

  15. Lukeyluke
    Lukeyluke avatar
    3 posts
    17 May 2017

    Hi,

    ive been going through the exact same thing! I've been married for 4 years, and about 7 weeks ago I was laying in bed next to my wife while she slept.. I was watching Netflix and then out of no where... a thought in my head "what if I don't love her" and then instant anxiety and feeling sick.. I've gone through anxciety and she has been my rock for so long, I told her what was happening in my head and she is very supportive saying we will get through this.. I have been off work for 2 and / half weeks I'm a disability support work so very mental draining.

    we booked into see a doctor as I started to go into crisis mode aka panic attacks, she said that I'm suffering from depression and anxiety and put me on medication it's been 2 weeks since I have started that. We went to see a therapist I had 2 sessions but did not feel very comfortable talking with him.. I guess all I wanted to hear from him is that this is normal people go through this.. instead he would asks well what would you do if you could not love again.. I just found these sort of questions not very helpful.. I have just started to see a cognitive behavioural theripist so I am hoping I can get tools that I can work with to help me through it..

    reading these post do give me a little piece of mind.. but it's just so hard! I'm hoping to read some success stories hear.

     

     

  16. crystalanne224
    crystalanne224 avatar
    1 posts
    23 May 2017 in reply to Scared and Confused
    This is Happening to me currently, how do you cope xx
  17. Lukeyluke
    Lukeyluke avatar
    3 posts
    24 May 2017 in reply to crystalanne224
    Very hard but fighting through it.. I think the best thing I have heard is that these thoughts are completely normal with depression/anxiety.
  18. Mariemarie
    Mariemarie avatar
    2 posts
    12 July 2017
    Hi, this reply is very late but I have been through similar so I thought Id respond. it seems like you really do want to be with your boyfriend that's why it's causing you so much upset. I think you're just going through a stage of unhappiness but it will pass. I've felt the same way before. Don't give up on your relationship. maybe have a week or 2 break from your partner to get your head together. This usually helps at times like this. It will help you concentrate on yourself and the way you are feeling and maybe deal with it. Then come back together with clearer minds. I don't think you anyone should give up on there relationship until they know for sure there is nothing there to keep them together. All relationships have there seasons, ups and downs and it may seem like you are unsure At this time but if you love him or think you do or think you did before then it's worth fighting for and holding on for better times. Sometimes People give up on relationships too easily because they think that what they are experiencing right now will be forever but it wont. There will always be ups and downs in a relationship and we shouldn't give up on the current relationship until we are sure it's not what we want because we would just end up in the same situation with another partner in the future. In the long run your partner may go through a down time as well but it will always go away. Sometimes it will just take some time. Don't give up because this season is tougher than the last. Get through this season and see what the next has in store for you. Your partner sounds understanding which means he wants to try and he loves you.
    3 people found this helpful
  19. Mariemarie
    Mariemarie avatar
    2 posts
    12 July 2017 in reply to PuzzlePup
    Hi, just wondering what you did to take control of your situation and did it work well?
  20. Catalyst
    Catalyst avatar
    5 posts
    14 July 2017 in reply to Smithsons

    Hey smithsons,

    sorry to hear your going through a tough situation. I am going through something quite similar so I know how annoying and frustrating it can be.

    i have been wanting to ask a girl out for a while (I actually am not in a relationship with her) and I needed advice from her friends becuase I was lost of what to do next. But one of her friends told me to give up and that the girl would never like me and I don't like the girl in the way I think I do. These thoughts really got to me and still do, with me being terrified whether she is right or not.

    But after reading your story and your experience, I am feeling extremly optimistic and hopeful about the whole situation, so I thank you greatly for this.

    Scared and Confused, I hope you can get these thoughts beaten soon enough. It is draining having these thoughts constantly going through your head, and it really does effect your day to day life.

    One thing that has helped me personally is finding something to distract myself, and going out with friends. I don't know how much spare time you have with your job, but it would be worthwhile at least from my experience. And another thing that helped me was just thinking about how lucky I am to have such a person in my life. Now this one is not as helpful I think becuase it can lead to more overthinking, but just remember that you are not alone and you can pull through it. I am definitely not an expert in anyway and I am quite lost with this situation myself, but I hope I can at least provide an inkling of help. You can do it!

  21. PolarBear*-*
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    PolarBear*-* avatar
    3 posts
    14 July 2017 in reply to Mariemarie

    Thank You Mariemarie , What you wrote will help me see things in a different way , i am helping my wife through a season of GAD she is very scared & I am limited in words to help her , but you have explained how it feels , its like I just took a blindfold off. Thank you again for your amazing words, all the best wishes to you.. thx from PB

  22. Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness
    Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness avatar
    8 posts
    22 August 2017 in reply to em.ilyxx

    So many of these messages have resonated with me its quite overwhelming. I am going through this at the moment and it has been so difficult (but does give me piece of mind that my thoughts and feelings are completely normal).

    I have been in the best relationship of my life for a little over two years. Everything was going really well, moved in together, planned our lives together, minimal fights, was part of his beautiful family (something that I have never had before and was quite foreign but comforting) until one day I came home and it was almost like a light switch - my feelings just turned off. I knew that this wasn't right because feelings just don't switch off. Mind you we were going through a bit if a rough patch in terms of finding the time to spend quality time and finding our new groove.

    From then on it was a downwards spiral of "Do I love him?", "What if he's not the right person for me?", "Should we break up?", "What's wrong with me?", etc. I get an overwhelming feeling like I should break up with him because I don't love him anymore but when I think about actually going through with it, there's a part of me that really doesn't want to because I would be giving up my life style, my family with him and the future we planned together. I question myself, "Do I want to Break up because I don't love him anymore or because I want to escape this horrible anxious feeling and constant questioning?".

    I'll have days where everything is fine, I spend the day with him and it was just like before - happy. simple. easy. But lately, it's just been days on end where I just feel like we should break up and have time apart because I don't want to do this anymore. It's as if there is no other option. I have this feeling that this may or may not happen in future relationships and if this were going to happen in future relationships that this relationship in particular was worth it to make it work. To fight for it. But the fight has left me mentally drained, tired, more anxious and questioning whether the fight is worth it anymore.

    I have tried Yoga, Constant Mindfulness, Trips away with friends, spending more time with friends, working out as well and nothing seems to be helping me this time around. If anyone is still on this thread, I'd like some advice or even success stories.

    I hope to hear from someone soon.

  23. MarkJT
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
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    MarkJT avatar
    1313 posts
    22 August 2017 in reply to Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness

    Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness, first off I would like to welcome you to the forums - a really caring and protective place so you have done the right thing coming and posting what is going on.

    When we have a mental health condition, our thoughts get all scrambled up and left means right, up means down etc. Making big decisions whilst a bit scrambled can be really difficult as our thoughts are not what they should be.

    I love how you have tried what you have as they are really good self care activities, however, have you seen a GP about your anxiety? The self care things you are doing are great but if you are not having the core reason why you have anxiety treated, you are only really putting a band aid on.

    If you could let me know if you have not yet seen a GP, then we can take it from there.

    Hope to hear back!

    Mark.

  24. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6322 posts
    23 August 2017 in reply to Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness

    Hello Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness

    First let me say welcome to the forum. And second, I agree with everything Mark has said.

    It seems to me that you are worrying about the future but without any grounds for even imagining it may happen. I know how depression or anxiety can turn your thinking upside down and cause you to wonder what you are doing.It really is the pits.

    Getting overwhelmed by these thoughts is natural, we often have difficulty in managing the stress and fear on these occasions. It can very much feel like drowning and your instinct is to struggle to find a way to stop these painful thoughts and feelings. So one way to stop the thoughts is to break up with your partner. It's a pretty drastic solution for what may well be a small problem, but we get so overwhelmed as I said, that it seems logical to get as far away from the situation s possible. Then we can relax and not worry about it.

    Sadly this will not happen. Once you have parted you will still have anxious thoughts. "Did I do the right thing. Can we get together again. I will never have a permanent relationship." It makes more sense I feel to find out why you are having these thoughts. You said you suddenly changed your mind, but was there any hint beforehand that even hinted at parting? I suspect not and I agree, you don't fall out of love in an instant.

    You have told us how much you enjoy being with his family as you have never experienced this before and you found it comforting. It is great to have a family life where people are not afraid to be with each, laugh and talk without any restrictions.

    I wonder if you are afraid that this happy life you have will end one day and you will be left out in the cold. I don't know but I have seen it before. So go and see your GP. Copy and print your post and take it with you. When you book the appointment ask for a long one. You will need more time to tell your story. Tell your GP what is happening, or give it to him/her to read. It may be the easiest way.

    I do not know what the GP will say, but I think it will be helpful. Perhaps you can go to some counselling sessions and dig a bit deeper into your life. Whatever it is try and go along with it, and stay with your BF in the meantime. Keep writing here and let us know what is happening.

    Mary

  25. Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness
    Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness avatar
    8 posts
    24 August 2017 in reply to MarkJT

    Hi Mark and White Rose

    Thank you both for your reply. I have seen a GP but only to get referrals to see a clinical psychologist. I have been to a few sessions but I feel like lately, they haven't been helping. I went to the GP yesterday and they said for me to look into SSRI's.

    Since writing my original post, I feel like all I want to do is break up, move out and move on and that the only reason I am staying around is because I don't want to leave the comfortable lifestyle or leave behind a great family. I question myself, "How long can you stay in a relationship where you don't feel that strong connection?", and I feel my answer is not long. But in saying that, I know that anxiety clouds your feelings; almost like a wet blanket. I challenge these thoughts but I don't believe myself.

    In my last relationship there were a lot of lows which made the highs very high. We would fight like crazy and he would also choose to hang out with his mates instead of me - but the rare moments when we weren't fighting and he did choose me, it was blissful. This went on for 5 years and was my first "real" relationship. It was a very unstable relationship. In my current relationship, he is consistent and stable. I am always the choice and I always come first with his family. Again, I question myself, "Is it because i'm not getting those extreme highs that I used to get in my previous relationship, that I feel like my current bf and I don't have a connection?". All i can think about when he's around, or even when he's not, is that I want to break up. It's been the healthiest relationship I have ever been in (with its natural rough patches and compromise) and I just have a feeling that I would regret it.

    I feel like I am stuck in the mud and unable to change my thinking pattern. I think I have decided to spend the rest of the week apart to try escape my anxiety and have a break from the relationship. At this stage, I feel like it is the only think I can do. If i do not get relief soon, I feel like i will burst.

    Any continuing advice would be extremely helpful.

    Thank you again.

    2 people found this helpful
  26. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    White Rose avatar
    6322 posts
    24 August 2017 in reply to Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness

    Hello Triple A

    I see from your first post how much the words from Emily resonated with you. Which means of course you are not the only person who thinks like this.

    When are you going to see the psychologist? I hope you have an appointment soon. While it may take a little while to find out what is happening inside you it will be worthwhile.

    Your comments about your previous relationship show what a poor role model you had with your BF. What he was doing was something similar to domestic violence. Wife gets abused, physically, mentally or emotionally and becomes unhappy and scared. Husband tries to make it up to her, vows he will never do this again and all is well. Often more than well which is where you had those high points.

    Then he reverts to his usual behaviour and it all starts again. The wife tries to leave but has become so dependent on him that she cannot managed alone and returns to the abusive partner because at least she has somewhere to live and someone to make the decisions for her. And she is abused again. It takes a long while for these women to really believe they are worthwhile and have the courage and strength to leave for good.

    Your current BF is not like this. You have mentioned several spats or arguments with the BF. Can you remember how they started and who started them. I wonder how much you still believe what your ex said about you and you still feel this way. I know some people provoke an argument in order to enjoy making up.

    Most relationships start in a glow of happiness, both exploring the relationship, making plans etc. This is called the honeymoon period where you are lost in love and so happy. As in all friendships this life levels out to general contentment. It sounds as if you have reached this level and now miss the original excitement. Humans are not able to keep up that level of excitement all the time, it can be tiring.

    So you feel disappointed at times and then argue with him over any trivial matter hoping it will lead to the excitement you once had. Abusive spouses keep their partners because of this. It's a huge roller coaster ride with thrills galore. Who wants it to stop?

    I suggest you make an appointment with the psych ASAP and really open up and tell him/her what is happening in your life. The psych will will be able to help you manage your feelings and see what it is you need. Please stay with the BF at least until you have had several sessions with the psych. Leaving too soon will sabotage your therapy.

    Mary

  27. Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness
    Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness avatar
    8 posts
    24 August 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    I really appreciate your replies. I had a psych appointment yesterday and by the end of it i felt pretty good but as soon as I left to go home it was a slippery downwards spiral and I could not get a grip. I have now had a total of 6 sessions. I didn't sleep last night - the first thing I would think about before I even realised I was awake was "I have to go".

    My current partner and I don't fight. We've never had an explosive argument, we've never stormed off or gone to bed angry at each other or ever been disrespectful to each other. We have periods where we get a little flat and get stuck in a routine of staying in and watching tv for weeks on end. Which is when the anxiety started (in one of these patches).

    I feel like we haven't figured out where it is stemming from but more providing methods on how to stop these thoughts from snowballing. I feel like these methods no longer work for me. These thoughts feel like reality to me and I can't tell what is an anxious thought and what is a real thought because it all seems rational! It all makes sense in my head. I'm feeling helpless and beat down from the fight. Really demotivated at the moment.

    Triple A

  28. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6322 posts
    25 August 2017 in reply to Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness

    Hello Triple A

    Thanks for post and for explaining how you and your BF get. It sounds like an ordinary relationship with the usual ups and downs.

    Have you made an appointment to see a psychologist? I hope this happens soon as I believe you will find answers to your doubts. In the meantime can you try meditation. I know you have tried similar activities but meditation is different. Part of the process is the commitment to meditating every day and of course the practice will help calm the inner turmoil we all experience.

    When you find yourself obsessing about leaving/not leaving and all the associated thoughts, can you make a conscious effort to think of something else then go and do it. It's not easy and you will find you have these thoughts without realising it. Once you realise what is happening is when you change thoughts. No beating yourself up because you are overthinking. Accept this happens and move on to something more rewarding.

    For this to be successful you need to have a list of topics to think about and activities to do. What do you like doing? If you are cranky go and weed the garden, or clean the stove. These are my least favourite jobs but using the energy I tackle things like stoves. What about craft, painting, making clothes? A friend of mine said she read because she could get immersed in it. Walking or any kind of exercise is great and this can lift your mood.

    Do you have friends with young children? Make a date to meet at a park and play with the children or watch while talking to your friend.

    Make a list. You need to have the distraction readily available rather than wondering what to do. I have my list on my fridge door although these days I know what to do. This kind of diversion will get you off the worry treadmill and into a space where you can think clearly. No it won't happen immediately though I think the first time will be a revelation on how to make your brain work for you instead of against you.

    It takes effort and commitment, which is where meditation shows the way. The reward in terms being more at peace with yourself is absolutely worthwhile.

    Mary

  29. Maui757
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Maui757 avatar
    88 posts
    30 August 2017 in reply to Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness

    Hi Triple A, and anyone else reading these threads like me.

    What you've said, and this entire thread, has really resonated with me. I too have these horrible, anxious thoughts that create doubt in my mind and cause me to freak out. I've been in a relationship for just over 4 years now, and my boyfriend is amazing. We've been through a lot, with my depression and anxiety hitting their lowest just after we started going out. But we've worked our way up and I can honestly say I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my boyfriend.

    Yet without a doubt, for the past year or two my anxiety will randomly appear one day and say "Oh hey, have you ever considered you don't actually love him?" and so it begins. The first time I ever had these thoughts, I was in a constant panic attack for a week. I was lucky in that I was seeing my psych regularly, and I also have an amazing friend who understands depression and anxiety, and they helped me to slowly decipher when this anxiety was creeping into my thoughts. I had to learn to decipher what was anxiety, and what was real.

    This was incredibly hard, as when the anxiety steps in, it shuts off ALL my emotions, so I no longer feel love, or happiness, or even sad, just nothing. I'm a very logical person, so I need reason behind everything. Once I understand why something is happening, then I can deal with it. So to have no reasoning behind these thoughts, I was not coping.

    It's taken years, but eventually I reasoned that the fact I was worrying about possibly not loving my boyfriend (thanks to those anxious thoughts that pop up) was proof in itself that I love him. I also learnt that when those anxious moods hit, my thoughts aren't "real". My emotions aren't "real". Don't get me wrong, I still suffer all the panic attacks that come with those thoughts, and those thoughts still come. But I've learnt from my experiences that the thoughts will eventually go, and the trick is to try my hardest not to focus on them. I can't stop them yet, but I am beginning to be able to ignore them, knowing that I will eventually wake up and feel ok.

    It is really, really hard, but I just wanted anyone else reading this to know those thoughts aren't always true. You're not the only one who has them, and I am so relieved to know I'm not the only one who thinks this stuff. And for the record, my relationship is better than ever and I secretly hope to marry this man one day ,even if my anxiety says otherwise! :)

    Maui

    3 people found this helpful
  30. Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness
    Anxiety, Anxious & Anxiousness avatar
    8 posts
    4 September 2017 in reply to Maui757

    Hi Maui,

    Thank you for your message. I was having a really hard day today so I thought I'd come back to check on this post and your message has given me hope. Hope that it does get better and that it doesn't necessarily take days to get better but it may take longer... BUT, it will eventually get better. I feel like I am the exact same - A logical person that needs to know why something is happening and if I don't have a reason, I wont understand it and therefore I can't cope. Can I ask, how you started to move forward?

    I've been having endless days of 'It hasn't gone away yet, so therefore there must be something wrong with the relationship" or nit picking every little thing I don't like and almost making it a problem for myself. I feel like I catastophize EVERYTHING - "I didn't think about him a lot today", I must not love him anymore. "I didn't think that joke was very funny", I must not enjoy his humour anymore. It's exhausting. I'll have days on end where I keep thinking that this relationship is boring and that we don't do enough or "experience life" enough. But perhaps that is just my anxiety putting a damp cloth on everything I do. I'll have days where I want to break up to get away from this "bad" relationship, but really there is nothing majorly wrong and perhaps I just want to break up with this anxious feeling attached to my relationship.

    What probably doesn't help is that I have also been diagnosed with PCOS. I have been advised to start eating right and exercising more regularly which may also assist with my symptoms of anxiety.

    I really hope to see an improvement soon. Thank you again Maui for sharing your story and for giving me hope.

    Triple A

    1 person found this helpful

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