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Topic: BB Single Parents Group

  1. CMF
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    22 March 2017

    Hi all,

    One of the things I love about these forums is that as well as dealing with the heavy stuff there is space to chill out and connect with people in in a social forum. After reading threads from other single parents I noticed that many of us feel alone at times, unsupported, we feel we are not doing a good enough job or we are just plain old worn out or frustrated. I thought I would start this thread for all the single parents out there who just want a space to chill out, relax, maybe compare notes, ask for advice and to pretty much know you are not alone.

    It's a tough gig, we are all doing the best we can.

    CMF

    8 people found this helpful
  2. blondguy
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    22 March 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hey CMF

    Great and very relevant thread!

    It can be isolating to have depression let alone being a single parent thrown into the mix

    A tough gig it is and I am sure many will appreciate a place to visit with other people in the same boat

    Nice1

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  3. CMF
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    22 March 2017 in reply to blondguy

    Thx Paul,

    Sometimes just knowing you are not alone can make a difference. You have had a tough time i have discovered via other threads. You are amazing and i'm sorry this is late but sending you big hugs and good energy.

    I've been really tough on my kids last few weeks. I'm at the end of my tether driving up and down morning and afternoon when they can walk to catch the train/tram to school. It is less than a 10 min walk. This morning they both walked out and walked to get transport. i don't mind if it is boiling hot or raining but if not why can't they walk like every other kid does? It's my fault, because i do it for them but I'm tired, really tired up and back school, sports practice, picking up from friends houses. Their dad does nothing, however when he is interstate at his girlfriends he drives her son to school and takes her son to play tennis but does not respond to his own daughter when she messaged him to see if he would take her to trampoline class. His 'new' family is more important. i lost it last night, told them i am doing the job of 2 parents. i know they were upset but they need to understand..I'm really sick of it.

    Anyone else get frustrated or am i just a meanie?

    cmf

    2 people found this helpful
  4. blondguy
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    24 March 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hi CMF

    you are no meanie at all. We have spoken for a long time and I understand the pain and anguish you have been going through.

    You will probably still be in pain now. I know you have the 'grrr' factor happening with your ex.

    Just humble opinion but I dont see frustration either. I do see that you are hurt

    Sorry if thats a bit basic but my ex used to sandbag the crap out me to my daughter when she was only 2. (not saying you are doing that of course!) The sandbagging towards me is still happening now even though my daughter lives on her own at 24 and with a ton of anger (and the self harming)

    I guess Im just reflecting the pain you feel

    It can be bad place to be in whether for you, me or anyone.

    Being a single parent can be bad news sometimes for sure

    Kids first.....us second which you know anyway xo

    1 person found this helpful
  5. CJs_mum
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    26 March 2017 in reply to CMF
    yup, know that grr kinda feeling...but you'll get there - as said by Blondguy (who is indeed fabulous!) the kids come first, no matter what.
    Isn't it a teenagers job to drive their mum crazy anyway? Just wait until they have kids: Best-Pay-Back-EVER...so I hear....well, i'm hearing things from my 8 year old i remember back-chatting to my mum. It worked for me, doesn't work for my daughter! "I know that trick, I've BEEN that trick, ha!"

    Keep trying. Keep ensuring They are responsible for their actions: ie: if they can't get up in the morning when you tell them to, they still have to walk to school and suffer the concequenses of being late. Maybe set an alarm for them and say after that alarm, they have 10 minutes to get dressed, 20 minutes to eat brekky and 10 minutes to walk to school (the remainder time is for them to either play, pack their bags or find that missing shoe etc). After the alarm, its not your job to get them to school on time, its theirs.

    Good luck!!
    1 person found this helpful
  6. CJs_mum
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    26 March 2017 in reply to blondguy
    Raising the issue here....please forgive me or ignore me if this hurts!!
    I just want to add that i understand how hard and tiring it is even as a single dad.
    In a very sad case in our society now we tend to favour the mum over the dad - the sad, usual story we hear is the bloke just walks away and has another family he shows love and caring for or if not, then he's never there anyway. He totally ignores the family he just left, did/does nothing for them - leaving them destitute, poor, in a bad way and very angry etc.
    It doesn't happen that way all the time! It isn't always the dads fault. It isn't always the dad who doesn't want to be a father.
    It isn't always just the mum who "should" be with the kids.

    But it is hard for both parents and kids without a mum and a dad at least in the picture - and some support along for the ride.
    I hope that you both can find some help, support and love and some others to be there for you and for the kids as good role models of what life can/could be like.
    That said: when it became clear my daughters father was not going to be in the picture, I searched for a father figure for my daughters life. I met some great people, and some hard (i regret even saying "horrible?") people who treated me and my daughter without any respect or true love. I stopped being so desperate to find "that father figure" and relaxed. I am now in a very good relationship and can honestly say he's had a good influence on her life. He is a single dad and has shown his kids and my daughter that fathers can be good too. That hard work for the kids does pay off and that it is tough being alone as a single dad - and single mum.
    I hope that continues.
    May it for you!
    1 person found this helpful
  7. CJs_mum
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    26 March 2017 in reply to CJs_mum
    one last post then i'm going to get a bit of shut eye before my daughter wakes up:

    re: getting kids to school. The best radio interview I've heard on a commercial station was just recently.
    The interviewers promised a fabulous interview with a "woman who has it all, does it all, is perfect and can teach you how to handle your kids!"
    They introduced her as the "child whisperer", the "know-it-all", "the organised doer when it comes to getting her kids to school on time, every time!"
    She butted in there and said "Pfft, what?! No, we were late this morning. Our house is chaos at the moment! My youngest couldn't find her hat and my eldest destroyed his homework last night...guess who I made clean it up and do it again at midnight?!"
    She then went on to explain that this (or chaos very much like it) happens pretty much in every household in the morning and everyone is in the same boat, screaming at the kids to put on their shoes, jump in the car, find that sock/hat/library book etc). And that is ok.

    Organisation helps but things still happen. That is ok. If you're all a little late because one lost something or overslept, well, its a lesson for the kids to talk about with you and plan better for next time...tomorrow is another day - and if it was you who lost something or overslept, ok appologise and simply move on to the next thing. Just be there for them, that's all you really can be. It is your job to be there and it is your job to teach them responsibility. Its their job to learn it and move forward. We're all in the same boat, we'll all try to get better one day lol That was her message in the end.

    I wished i'd caught her name, but she had a great message for disorganized me ("getting better" me).
  8. CMF
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    26 March 2017 in reply to CJs_mum

    Hi CJ's mum,

    thanks for joining the thread. My kids are good at getting up and getting ready for school, especially my son. They are very rarely late. I was getting annoyed that we are a 10 min walk to transport yet they want to be driven. Anyway, after putting my foot down they have been walking. My son and daughter walk together, on goes to the tram and one the train. They've even been walking home. If it is really hot or really cold i don't mind making the trip. They have been good and if/when i do drive them or pick them up they are more appreciative, so i has been good.

    Thanks for your input, nice to have you here.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. blondguy
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    27 March 2017 in reply to CJs_mum

    Hi CJs_mum

    Thankyou for the mega compliment. You really have some experience happening in your background too

    CMF has stumbled across a great thread topic with single parents doing it tough and having a place to vent

    Nice one CMF!

    Paulxo

    2 people found this helpful
  10. CMF
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    27 March 2017 in reply to blondguy

    Thanks Paul,

    I hope more people come across it. Only a single parent can know what it is like to be a single parent, regardless of the situation. If we can help each other out with tips and suggestions and listen to each other because we understand, then it's bonus.

    I moved my son from a private to public school recently as he was hating the private school and i saw no benefit from it. His dad not approve and contributed nothing toward the new school expenses. My son is happy, enjoying his new school, got 86% for an oral presentation in English, i hear more about his schoolwork and what he has done and is doing than i ever heard when he was at the private school. He has been adding more to his school work because he sees his friends have put in a bot more, he is applying for part time jobs because all the kids at his new school have part time jobs, at his old school not many did. All these positive things are because of me. Of course his dad is going around saying 'WE' move him but he had nothing to do with it.

    My little girl turned 4 over the weekend. Haven't seen or heard from her dad since xmas and didn't hear anything for her bday. I was stressing that i had let her down,that i didn't do enough for her. This morning she woke up and out of the blue said it was 'the bestest birthday ever'.

    What can I say!

    cmf

    4 people found this helpful
  11. kanga_brumby
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    21 April 2017

    CMF what a great thread, a place for us single parents to get and seek advice from other parents in a similar place. We understand how hard it is not to have some one to bounce ideas off. Or have a gripe about the problems we are facing.

    About your partner (ahole) if he is not interested in helping raise the child/ children. He shouldn't take credit for any improvement in academic stuff. If the child also takes on pt work as well because the child sees there mates doing it. Both the child and you get the pat on the back. The farther gets nothing. He has done nothing so he gets nothing.

    Again great thread.

    Kanga Bounce

    1 person found this helpful
  12. CMF
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    21 April 2017 in reply to kanga_brumby

    Thanks kanga,

    I'm glad you came across it. We all support each other either way but i think it is nice to have really specific threads. I'm loving your 'garden' thread, it is really 'growing'. Gardening is so therapeutic.

    Hope you are doing ok. I'm glad you were able to settle your young one.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. kanga_brumby
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    21 April 2017 in reply to CMF

    Knowing the condition I have, treatment and so forth. Plus with my personality I know my daughter I had her laughing before she left. She at least filled me in a bit, some rely personal stuff. She didn't know how I'd take it. Now she knows how I'd take it, and a lot more relaxed about it. Like no matter what she is my daughter, and always will be. It's called unconditional love. You can choose your friends and lovers, family your stuck with. Most of us in our family some where there is a person who is embarrassing.

    Hands up if its you. ( mine is up) after all when I was a kid my farther embarrassed us kids. Now the embarrassment continues. In tradition pass it on down the line. My dad always sang All Jolson we kept asking to stop every time there was a family do rellos around Jolson. Then the daddy dancing. With me it's I am going to marry one of the daughters teachers. "No you cant its not on you cannot marry a teacher." ( we aren't interested in each other any way. just baiting the daughter.)

    Kanga

    1 person found this helpful
  14. cakeboss
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    29 May 2017 in reply to CMF
    Hi there im new to this group.I to are a single parent and you dont have time to be unwell do you .I find there is no time for anxiety and depression to set in is there.Ive been told i do a awesome job its the finacial side that i find tough to deal with.my kids are my world and i do have help from my ex ,Its tough finacially the worry can get to you at times.I cant take stress does anyone else feel the same .Im currently seeing a counciler and just wondered if they face this to like me .
  15. CMF
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    29 May 2017 in reply to cakeboss

    Kanga, you are a cheeky one saying you'll marry the teacher 😃.

    Hi cakeboss and welcome. Thanks for joining this thread. Yes i hear you loud and clear. How old are your kids? Mine will save for things they want alot which helps. It also teaches them the value of things. The worry and anxiety gets to me too at times. Hang in there, we are all doing the best we can with what we have.

    Cmf

  16. bluewater
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    9 June 2017

    Hi everyone,

    It certainly is hard at times i was having similar issues as you CMF I had my secondary school kids demand i drove them to and from school or most of the time they wouldn't go my life is spent soley meeting their needs I've got no support from anyone with this matter so that's out of the question. I've explained to the kid's im tired im just so exhausted you'd think they'd want to help out especially the 17 year-old or am I asking to much as he's also got anxiety issues from the same incident as me? but i know what their capable of im just stuck wondering if its my job to still baby my high school kids! yes you can tell im exhausted

  17. CMF
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    9 June 2017 in reply to bluewater

    Hi bluewater,

    welcome and thanks for joining this thread.

    I think at high school level we need to step back a little and at 17 yes definitely. Having said that though, i don't know the degree of his anxiety. Is he receiving help for that? My kids now walk, no arguments. If it is really cold or raining i offer to drive them. My son was probably the lazier one but i pointed out that when he wanted to go out with friends he was capable of finding his own way so he could do the same with school. When he is at his dad's and his dad refuses to take him anywhere he makes his own way and it is a lot further too. Overall he is pretty good.

    I would say high school is a good time to let go and let them be independent as much as you can, as long as they are safe of course.

    cmf

    1 person found this helpful
  18. kanga_brumby
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    9 June 2017 in reply to bluewater

    Hi I have 15 and 18 year old. Both at secondary both different schools. Each makes there own way, all year round. They don't want there old man droping them off, heaven forbid. He might want a cuddle good bye. that's so uncool.

    Kanga.

    3 people found this helpful
  19. bluewater
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    19 June 2017

    Thanks everyone I so need to let go! I think my main reason is i feel my child who is doing VCE will just drop out if I dont take her and she has even threatened it. Her psychologist has said she is capable of going herself he believes.

    I dont want her to fail but know that she's struggling and we are getting some help but it doesn't take away from me being tired ahhhh im just making excuses.

    1 person found this helpful
  20. kanga_brumby
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    19 June 2017 in reply to bluewater

    After having 5 kids off to school then going back to work. My mother returned to school. Got years 10 through to 12 knocked off passed the lot. Then went to university again passing. Her brother also went to university and got his doctorate with honers. His pay grade went through the roof. Traveling the world having discussions with people in very high places. So there is hope for your daughter yet bluewater.

    Kanga

    3 people found this helpful
  21. cakeboss
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    26 June 2017 in reply to CMF
    Thanks for getting back to me ,i have 2 teenage kids who are great kids.I do my best and i can hide my anxiety quite well around them.They make me very happy and smile .I have support network like family and friends and counciler at moment.I recently had some finacial stress and well you could say the anxiety has crept in .Ive had drs appointments and counciling appointments to cope with the stress .Im trying hard to do the relaxtion cds given.ive had some medication changed and its been making me feel yuck.dr said to hang in give it time.I keep going and keep busy to distract myself.
  22. CMF
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    26 June 2017 in reply to cakeboss
    My 15 yo son does not get along with his dad, not for a few years now. A few weeks ago they seemed ok but had a disagreement last Wednesday and his Dad has now said our sion is no longer welcome in his house. He goes there every 2nd weekend. I explained he cannot just make that call, there needs to be a discussion with me and i also need to agree. I also have a 4 yo and i look forward to a break when my teenagers are with their dad. He rang me re the disagreement and when i tried to explain our son's side he said he would not talk to me if i defended him and hung up on me. Each time i tried to call to discuss he hung up, then the messages started about our sin no longer being welcome. He says i have brainwashed him and now i deal with it. When my ex has a gf which he does now,his behaviour towards his own kids changes alot, not in a good way. Our son has a part time job now and works friday night which means i would have to wake my little one to pick him up if he is not at his dad's, it also means i get no break from having 3 kids full time. He knows our son hateds going there, when i told him he cannot make the call on whether our son goes there or not, that he needs to consider my life and my time he conveniently turned around to say it is not about me but about our son and what he wants. He has NEVER considered what your son wants. His gf lives interstate so he practically lives there and apparently comes back only to see the kids. I'm sure if our son wanted to live with his dad he would not change his life to accommodate that, or if our kids wanted to see him every weekend he would not do that either. So what am i to do? As soon as he cannot handle our son he blames me, says i brainwashed him and other crap that doesn't make sense. He says the kids need to be respectful of his time as he works etc but he is never respectful of my time. He had a function interstate with his gf and it was his weekend with the kids. He TOLD me he could not have them that weekend. He didn't ask if i could have them, he did not consider maybe i had things on, just tells me what to do. He acts as though he is doing me a favour having his own children every 2nd weekend. He always says don't runaway from problems but that is what he is doing my turning his back on our son. Rather than trying to sort out their issues he says he doesn't want him anymore. His gf has 2 perfect boys. He calls them 'son' and plays tennis with them, even drives one to school, unlike his own.
  23. kanga_brumby
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    26 June 2017 in reply to CMF

    Ok he may have a full time job he gets paid bucks for, 40 hours. 8 hours X 5 days. Woop de do your on 168 hours at 24 X 7. at no pay no time off. he has time for the pub or what ever. 

    You dont deserve it no one deserves being treated that way.

    Only single parents realy know the crap we get from ex partners lovers other families sometimes well meaning dogooders. Who have good intent but know squat about the situation. Even though He is your ex he knows squat about the right way to treat you or your lad. Getting a parttime job great fantastic pat on the back to the both of you. both you and son should be proud. thats enough of a rant from me.

    Kanga

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Wanting to get better
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    12 July 2017

    This is great to have this thread

    i thought I was the only single person with depression

    having to function for kids. It's hard. Going from a comfortable life to a life of pure uncertainty

    living with friends while ex has plenty of money. House. Boat. New wife.

    While the kids and I struggle

    51 and having to start all over feels impossible

  25. CMF
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    12 July 2017 in reply to Wanting to get better

    Hi Wanting to get better and welcome,

    you're definitely not alone. I'm sorry you are going through this struggle. It does feel impossible at times but it isn't. One foot in front of the other, day by day. Do your kids see their dad? Do you have time for yourself?

    thanks again for joining in.

    cmf

  26. kanga_brumby
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    13 July 2017 in reply to Wanting to get better

    Wanting to get better hi welcome to beyond blue forums Single parents group. There are hundreds of people in the community who are single parents. Who have depression and related issues. The loverly CMF started this thread for support. We as single parents should support each other as much as we can. Giving each other advice or pats on the back. So I hope all goes well for you.

    Kanga

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Wanting to get better
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    13 July 2017 in reply to Wanting to get better

    Hi CMF

    thank you for having me

    yes my son sees his dad once every three weeks and my daughter just talks to him as she is at an age where she doesn't want to be involved in having another mum. But she is happy that her dad is happy

    i have time. Sometimes too much. I'm not working for two reasons. My business that was my divorce settlement went broke so I had to close the doors before more debt arose which meant my two older children lost their jobs. And the 2nd reason is I have been given a reprieve from Centrelink owing to the depression

    the hardest thing for me to push through is that I didn't think I'd ever be where I am at this age. I'm a young 51 year old as I have been kept so with my children.

    Its the not knowing. How will I become financially ok again and be able to support my children like I used to. I would love my own things again before the children grow up and just remember that mum did it tough. I want to be able to put a roof over their heads without relying on others. I used to be such a confident. Well organised and in control Woman. But now all that is gone. I can't even make conversation anymore unless it's about my woes which people choose to avoid as well as myself. As I'm not here to get other people down. I used to be the one helping others and lifting them up. But the feeling of ' not having my own possessions ' is very overwhelming

    sorry for depressing talk !!!!!

    i just would love like minded people around me. As with everyone I personally know. Not one is without their partner

  28. Wanting to get better
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    13 July 2017 in reply to kanga_brumby

    Hello kanga

    yes I am definitely greatful to CMF for starting this thread. It is nice to know you are not alone.

    I would love to be able to help anyone who needs help and support

    😀

  29. CMF
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    13 July 2017 in reply to Wanting to get better

    Thanks you two :-)

    Wanting to get better you are definitely not alone in the way you feel. I too worry about if I will ever be financially ok and have made the right decisions or have I jut made a mess of things. The 'not knowing' and the 'what if's' they drive me crazy too.

    How old are your children? Mine are 15,13 and 4. I always worry am I doing enough for them, am a good enough mum. A Lot of big decisions are based around their happiness, even if means I struggle. Do you have your own thread as yet?

    Great to have you here.

    cmf

  30. Wanting to get better
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    13 July 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hi cmf

    my children are 25, boy. 22 girl. And two still living at home are girl 16 ( today ). Boy 9

    yes you are so right. I put the kids before everything and struggle along in auto pilot

    it's like you are just being compliant all the time. No emotion. No feeling. No happiness.

    What state are you

    therese 🌸

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