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Topic: Blended family and BPD Wife

  1. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    5 December 2018 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary.

    Thank you for your message.

    Much of where I am now sits between the lump in my throat that wont budge and the desire to keep going on with life and to put this part behind me.

    I will have a look at the SANE website. Along with a great many other websites I did have a look through the various forums and links at SANE before joining Beyond Blue. Beyond blue gave me immediate interaction and that was what I needed when I joined.

    Many many years ago my previous partner and I lost a child. It was circumstances outside our control.... we both dealt with the situation very differently but grieved heavily - sometimes together and sometimes apart. I despised the world for a moment. I would forgot who I was. Over time I learned to value things in different ways - I learned to stop and smell the roses while I could - because seasons continually change. I also forgave myself for feeling responsible With my wife I took all I’d learned and experienced through life, love and relationships - both the good and bad - and gave absolutely everything of me to the most wonderful 12 months I’d spent with a partner. The seasons have changed.

    Internally I have forgiven my wife.


    No matter what she does - I will look her in the eyes and tell her I forgive her when I leave this house the last time as her husband... It will be as much for me as for her. I can’t go forward carrying un-dealt-with negative emotions about people from the present (which will soon be the past) and expect to find a harmonious balance within myself for the future when the grieving phase lessens...

    I totally and absolutely dislike what has gone on to bring me here - but I accept it. I thank everyone on the forum for the posts and to those as well that read without responding. I will keep posting further updates.

  2. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    6 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    I started typing out quite a long piece to add to the previous message but I’ve decided to narrow this down to the basics of what has occurred.

    My wife approached me this morning. She said she had wanted to talk to me for days but hadn’t been able to... She was apologetic and said she was going to change. She indicated that running from me wasn’t the answer and would be counter to what she needed. Knowing we have been here before i asked what would be different about this time.

    While I was at work she arranged doctors referral for a psychologist. She then arranged an appointment with that psychologist for tomorrow. No delays. It’s a start so I am happy for her to begin starting to look into herself.

    I will leave it at that for now. Time will tell.

  3. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    315 posts
    7 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    Farside

    Thanks for the all the updates especially the latest one.

    I am pleased she could get an appointment to see a psychologist so quickly.

    It is a start .

    Quirky

  4. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    772 posts
    7 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    Hello FarSide

    Thanks for the updates. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your child. Though it was a while ago I'm sure the pain comes back now and then. My daughter miscarried at 19 weeks and it was devastating for everyone.

    Great that your wife was able to get an appointment so quickly. I hope it really is the start of becoming well for her. Time will tell.

    I can 'hear' your pain in the previous post. It sounds like you have made your final, final decision and are now able to move on. It has been a long journey for both you and your wife and I wish you both well. Please keep in touch. We will be here to support you as much as possible.

    Mary

  5. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    7 December 2018 in reply to White Rose

    My wife has now been to the psychologist and feels positive for the experience. She has aknkwledged many things and although I know I’m likely to see an emotional hiccup and back step now and then I am happy to see what a little time brings. As for the house... we’ve divided to leave on the market and see what it brings.

    again I don’t want to start pulling party poppers and streamers and celebrating into the small hours of the evening off the back of this but it is significant that she took this step...

    I will update further and see what happens. Hopefully it’s positive and she does have my support around working on herself, us and how I fit into that as well.

  6. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    772 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    I am so pleased for you that you may get your wife back, so to speak. I imagine it will be a long and rocky journey but so long as you are both going forward It may bring you the peace and happiness you need. I also wish your wife peace and happiness as I am sure this has not been her lot for many years.

    Mary

  7. quirkywords
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    315 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    TheFarSide,

    Thanks for your updates.

    I am pleased your wife was able to see a psychologist so quickly and felt positive about the experience.

    Taking that first step of acknowledging many things is a huge step and would have been very hard for her.

    If you go back and read your first few posts you may see how you have started your journey and a few of the changes that have happened on the way. It will be a long and bumpy ride for both of you but there is a chance there will be a calm place at the end.

    Quirky

  8. randomx
    randomx avatar
    175 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Gday farside.

    And l'm really sorry that things haven't worked out.

    But for her to say it's her or your own child , l just mean what , yaknow , or to turn on your actual wedding day, after a 12mth charade, or to put you and your child through the stuff she has when it's your time together , how in the hell is your child suppose to cope with that she shouldn't even be around it, let alone cope with it, and then all the other stuff, the everyday.

    l'm really glad you are sadly giving up on it .tbh . you know , ok , she has problems , but is it right that you and your child spend your life dealing with it living with it ??? Me , l don't think so.

    l went through divorce , and then met ex gf. We were together 2 yrs. Both the highest times of my life but also mind bending destructive head spinning times too. l could never know for sure if she was bpd , certainly partly , but she would never see anyone, she'd eat broken glass first believe me.

    l remember saying your words to her a few months in , baby you don't see you , you don't see what you do and say, and later too . Amazing reading your stuff , twisting , eggshells, misinterpretations,the simplest things. we were long distance, only together 1/3 of the time, so mountains of messaging and the knots she'd get us into, 1 letter could start a war, one word or a sentence, hooly dooly the things she could turn a sentence into..

    Via phone from day one she was fantastic , same in person ,so smart, so witty , so fun, bold , but we were only ever together 2 weeks a time but it was a bit scary wondering if this messaging thing would come out in person later, like yours. but it was a hard sitch to , frustrationing and some real bad let downs, visits falling through, stuff . l just couldn't know.

    l did a lot of reading, spoke to people, one guy had beat his head against the wall 15yrs with his wife, but had to leave. saw somewhere it was common for the partner of a bpd person , to end up on the couch., and l believe.

    Sadly we split in the end , not only that side of it but many obstacles, distance and all and l've since met someone else , none of that stuff , yet we're amazingly similar in many other good ways to me and ex gf. But the difference is also just mind boggling.

    Best of luck with everything, you can only do what you think is right for you and your daughter.

    rx

  9. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide
    One step at a time - but - today was a really good day.
  10. bmacca64
    bmacca64 avatar
    4 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide
    Hopefully the good days become the norm.
  11. randomx
    randomx avatar
    175 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to bmacca64

    Sorry farside, l didn't read the nice updated news on the 7th.

    And l sure didn't intend on throwing any negative into that so my oligopolies and l wouldn't have wrote our story if l'd senn that post.

    Wishen your both the very best and l hope it really brings a new beginning for you two,

    lf it's any consolation , l would've tried with my ex, l loved her very much , l felt we could've won the battle and she had even started acknowledging a few things which was real progress for her, but unfortunately there were bigger things like her moving to Australia and things that we just couldn't work out.

    Anyway , best of luck

    rx

  12. randomx
    randomx avatar
    175 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to randomx
    Ahh , that was , apologies , spell checker .
  13. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    315 posts
    9 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    farside,

    I am so pleased you had a good day and as you say one step at a time. it is something to be grateful for and it is good to enjoy that day.

    thanks for the update.

    Quirky

  14. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    9 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Thanks to everyone for the post and for the experience shared by RX - sorry to hear how things panned out in your experience RX

    Today has been another good day (so far)...

    While I expect no garantees my wife appears to have found a good sense of self awareness and that is a good thing. We have been able to discuss behaviour patterns and traits in a calm and respectful way - she had initiated this conversation.

    Weve been able to look at the relationship and understand a little more about each other - including some gaps we have in our knowledge about the past on both sides. We have also had a look online at different things and a bit of YouTube as well.

    The new info did give some additional weight to BPD traits having its roots in the formative years as we could identify some other experiences that had a negative impact and may have helped shape her personality.

    At this point I am just going to let things unfold as they do. So far it’s positive and she’s not reacted badly to a little truth.

  15. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    White Rose avatar
    772 posts
    10 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    Hello FS

    Things sound really good and I love that you and your wife are able talk without emotions getting in the way.

    I read somewhere that having BPD was like living with constant third degree burns. I think it was in a publication by one of the authorities on BPD. If that's the case I expect you can understand why your wife gets upset when her 'burns' are touched. Hopefully accepting treatment will allow the burns to heal to some extent. At least to a manageable level.

    It's a wise decision to let things unfold. If I may add a note of caution, be prepared for some backsliding. No one ever heals from their mental health difficulty without going backwards every so often. It's hard for all of us to decide to take action and get weary of the struggle. We do need to sit and rest for while. Encouragement is gratefully accepted.

    Get your wife to keep a journal and encourage her to look back every few months to see where she has come from. Progress is often very slow so it is a boost to recognise even very small steps. I live on my own and have struggled through a huge depression basically on my own. I would have found the journey easier I think if there had been someone with me to encourage me. My family were always supportive but have their own families to take care of so being available for me wasn't always possible.

    Congratulations to both of you for getting this far.

    Mary

  16. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    10 December 2018 in reply to White Rose

    Thankyou for the message Mary. I have planned in my own head for some backward steps in the mix but as long as her direction is to look & work forward overall I will be happy.

    Today has been another good day to the time of writing this. I had work and she had school/study but none the less the communication between us remained in a safe space and without conflict.

    She has also asked me for the various books today on DBT and BPD as she would like to do a little self reading/help/understanding.

    I am pleased to the core that she has taken this direction. The absolute disarray our relationship was In could have seen it fade- it was effectively on the edge of the abyss... I was only hours away from pen to paper on a lease to live elsewhere..

    I know she has chosen to battle her own demons here - to put up a fight for the marriage for which I am thankful for.

    It had been many many months of a roller coaster of emotions and anger before I finally reached out on a forum. I had reached a point at that stage where inside I felt I knew the outcome.

    So here we are... I will continue to provide updates. I know my wife will step backwards from time to time - but she’s reached out a hand for help and I’d be a fool not to hold on to it and see if this journey can have a good outcome.

    Thankyou for everyone who has read this. I hope for the good news to continue.

  17. Theborderline
    Theborderline avatar
    101 posts
    10 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide
    • Remember to always maintain boundaries
    • Show empathy but not sympathy
    • Don't add fuel to the fire
    • Try not too push the subject if she's not willing to discuss right now

    She can read those books you read, love me don't leave me, walking on egg shells

    Another good one is DBT: anger which is also a good reference

  18. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    10 December 2018 in reply to Theborderline

    Thanks Borderline and Quirky for your recent posts and suggestions.

    A good day it was but she has also taken her first step backwards this evening. Did not see it coming - it was 0 to 100 in record speed.

    I just need to go and chill out for awhile and as you say not add fuel to the fire. Find a calm spot and don’t overplay what has just happened in my head against the balance of good that has occurred.

    Will update as things progress.

  19. Theborderline
    Theborderline avatar
    101 posts
    10 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    I find personally I may seem calm on the outside but my minds like a duck on water....calm on the outside, turmoil inside.

    She may just be holding it all in, and releasing it like tonight out of nowhere.

    But it's the first steps

  20. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    315 posts
    10 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    TheFarSide

    I can understand that you did not see her outburst this evening but you probably knew it was going to happen sometime.

    I find borderline’s comments help to understand what is going on.

    I hope you found your calm spot and managed to think about the good things that have happened.

    Quirky

  21. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    10 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Thanks for the messages Quirky and Borderline.

    I was expecting something at sometime but I think this sometime I was caught a little off guard on this occaision with just the speed of the shift over something so ‘nothing’ - I’m not dismissing that it may have been important in her eyes but it just seemed to me that it was not so much the cause of any real grievance but more so the excuse needed to release/vent.

    We haven’t spoken now for awhile and we are at separate ends of the house. If may sound uncaring but I’m not unhappy with this position at the moment. I’m not deliberately avoiding her to make further issue or create drama... I feel that I just need some time out without having to think in my feet or worry that I’ll start a war by just smiling a little differently than I might normally.

    Thanks for the posts and thoughtful strategies and advice.

    I will continue to persevere and hopefully in coming hours/days she can recognise this latest outburst for what it is.

  22. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    11 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    Just to add to where things were...

    Last night closed on silence - same bed at least but overall just silence and edge of bed sleeping.

    I sent her a message today just to say that I was sorry we had ended up in a disagreement - something I would much prefer had not occurred. I didn't see the signs at the outset and I got caught at the start by responding to the initial escalation process - once I recognized where it was coming from and where it was heading I stopped myself and walked away.

    I've become aware that there is also a certain change to her facial expression - particularly here yes - when things start to run away from her - I also missed that cue until it became very apparent as well.

    There is still radio silence at the moment however there was nothing said that was tragic, hurtful or otherwise in any case - as I said I was surprised that it escalated at all...

    As i think i have written before - I was always taught to not let the sun go down on an argument, never leave things unresolved or on uncertain ground for the night and don't make drama that leaves the people you love feeling like you don't.

    Through my employment and life experience I have also been educated to work towards respectful open honest transparent dialogue designed to value contributor/partner/other persons thoughts and opinions and be accepting of all walks and ways of life.

    This relationship (since BPD has become an element of it) has certainly tested what I know - even how I saw relationships through my eyes as a child and now how I see them as an adult - its tested my values, my life experiences and education.

    I'm all good - I haven't stumbled and lost myself and I have been able to maintain a clear perspective on who I am - inside my head I'm fine.

    As I approach the end of typing this message to the forum a text has come through which basically says 'she doesn't like who I am and she doesn't like the future she see's with me'... ahh well - just another one of the many enjoyable moments in my marriage.

  23. Theborderline
    Theborderline avatar
    101 posts
    11 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    Again she's putting her image onto you.

    What she's really saying is I don't like who I am and where my life is going

  24. Theborderline
    Theborderline avatar
    101 posts
    11 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    Just another thing to add about her comments to the life not being what she wants....

    Put yourself in her shoes, she's just now after all these years coming to the realisation that the way she thinks and processes thoughts isn't normal

    Her whole perception on reality and what being normal should be is all hitting home at once, she's looking down the barrel of years of therapy in which she has to relearn how to process thoughts and go against years of unhealthy coping mechanisms that are so engrained in her that she doesn't see them as being wrong

    I think you need to go into this knowing that her realisation of her self isn't as simple as a light bulb turning on....There will be flare ups, fights, pushing back, tantrums with the end goal of keeping them to a minimum

    I honestly wish you guys the best

  25. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    11 December 2018 in reply to Theborderline

    Thankyou for your messages Borderline.

    There is merit in your observations about how she must now see the world. The glasses she has worn so far haven’t allowed her to gain any true perspective on the behaviour patterns that usually fall as ‘norm’ in the general populous.

    The absence of friends and only minimal interaction with colleagues at work hasn’t helped her grow and mature.

    I also believe this absence as well as her relationship history (lack there of) has precluded her from gaining a lot of the relationship skills that would have enabled her to better operate As a partner. She is a bit like an emotional toddler or relationship child in many ways - lacking the developed maturity to deal with the good and bad of relationships without resorting to extreme tantrums.

    Thanks for the best wishes as well... this is the most difficult relationship I’ve been involved with. I know many people say love will conquer all but jeez there are limits I think as well... mentally as I said I’m fine but it is immensely tiring - I could just curl up and sleep most days since this began.

  26. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    11 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    It’s all done and dusted now...

    Her messages just kept coming - by the time I’d got home all my logic and calmness had evaporated.

    We got into a big fight... the type neighbours can generally hear without trying... I simply spoke those truths that you only speak when you know it’s at the end. Those words you know that there is no coming back from. The home truths and the words that come from being hurt so many times. It’s been a savage evening.

    My capacity to think things through and deal with matters with a sensible voice just ceased.

    I don’t particularly like myself much right now for what I’ve said - it’s hard to explain what months and months of complete and continual instability and irrational arguing combined with hearing you or your child is no good does to a mans head space. It’s just been a horrible journey with no reprieve since we got married.

    It’s a bitter disappointment... I gave her all I had to give and she just kept on treating me the same. So many times I showed compassion and forgave her... what for? All I feel is like I’ve been burned strait through to the core.

    Most everyone I’ve leant on has said that I should get out - including her children more recently - her kids are quite understanding.

    Im still sad to let go - not of all the stuff that has been bitter - but for what I’d hoped for .... as I’d said initially it was never real anyway. Just 12 months of virtually unbroken disarray and disruption...

    love is built on many things including respect, care & compassion - the reality is that none of these has ever existed since we married. I was just fooling myself.

    the war of words is over. There’s nothing left between us that holds any further emotional value..

  27. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    315 posts
    11 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    TheFarSide,

    I have no wise words .

    I am sorry it has ended like this.

    I hope posting in here as helped in some small way.

    Take care

    Quirky

  28. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    11 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    I stand corrected - there was more in her argument tank...

    this time it seems despite all the evidence and knowledge to the contrary not only does she deny having any issues to address but She believes I must have BPD or another disorder.

    There was a range of reasons why she ended up with that conclusion - coz I was so angry during the last arguement, because I am so stupid to keep taking her back each time she comes to me asking for forgiveness, because I’m a poor parent...

    The irony is it all started over me simply suggesting the possibility of rearranging furniture in a room we hardly use...

    I asked her why she keeps coming back to me for forgiveness days after creating a mess And she just reiterated coz I am always so stupid enough to let her back into my life. Feels like I might’ve been just a cat toy.

    All I can do is laugh between the sadness for the loss of the relationship....

    I did say I’d need therapy to work out why I kept coming back to the same situation.

    Clearly repeatedly letting her back into my life over and over isnt a healthy or sensible option.

    While I certainly don’t mean by this reference that it’s a game - this is just something I can’t win on - the relationship, sanity, love, future - it’s all just so in the wrong place ...

    I think since I’ve been on the forum my wife and I have gone between being together and separating about 4-5 times... I’ve only been on the forum about a month...

    I’m not sure there’s much positive to take away from it all other than the experience to be wary in the future about who people claim to be when I meet them.

    She just came in and apologised for making my life a misery and then walked out. Not sure if she expected me to follow and try to repair things but I am not in that mindset right now. In fact I know I need to stay strong in my own head and refuse any further advances towards repeating the same cycle...

    its so strange - I don’t think I’m a fool or born stupid yet here I am - cycling in a realtionship for 2 years with 12 months of it being quite abusive and littered with negative qualities. What does drive a person to stay against the odds,against emotional well-being and against logic.

    Thankyou to all who have provided thoughts - I appreciate the connection and the balance it provides.

  29. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    315 posts
    12 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    THeFarSide,

    I think when it comes to relationships of the heart maybe we all may do things that may not make sense to others. you are a caring person who really wanted the relationship to work.

    That shows how determined you were despite the odds and you were willing to learn about her background, to find out the best way to respond and to keep education yourself. you came on this forum and opened up tomothers which is a difficult thing.

    You did write several,posts ago that even if the pain someone inflicts through verbal outbursts is not intentional and it is more about them than you, it still hurts.

    i have often thought about that as in my past I did cause pain to others when I was manic and I did ask for forgiveness later when I realised what I had done.

    i do know that while some can forgive some cannot forget. It is something I struggle with now but I know I can only work on being kind to people in the present and the future.

    How do,you see yourself in a few years time ?

    So you are living together until you sell the house, is that the plan?

    Thanks for your honesty.

    Quirky

  30. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    47 posts
    12 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Thanks for your message Quirky.

    for living arrangements I am looking at places to rent today, tomorrow and Saturday. If I can get out before Christmas that would be ideal. until then we are in the same house... the house has only just hit the market and I can leave now while it sells.

    We had been over recent weeks sleeping separately - that was until late last week and the couple of good days that came along and we resumed sleeping together.

    I went to bed last night assuming she would opt to sleep separately but I woke to find she was sleeping in the same bed as me.

    As I needed to get up and go to work we haven’t spoken as yet.

    Id read how difficult it can be to break away from the BPD traits and the push me pull me turmoil and it is very accurate. Despite the logic to simply move away from what is obviously causing my mind and body harm it’s almost like a form of addiction. I don’t have many tattoos but it’s almost akin to the addiction you feel from tattoo pain - it should make you run but a great many of us illogically seem to like how it feels.

    as for the future... not sure - my child will be a major feature of course but in all honesty because where I thought I was heading is no longer I don’t think I’ve had time to redirect energies and thoughts to what that looks like.

    I’ll Rent for a bit and then maybe buy again in a year or so...

    I feel I’ve tried - I’ve opened the door to her many times and wanted to see it through. I Am not able to help her in the way she needs, the frequency of swings is increasing and inadvertently I feel I may actually be a trigger.

    thanks again

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