Lots to respond to.
I'll respond from my POV to the last set of points, being Control with a capital C.
It would be an amazing investment of your time right now if you did lots of reading (if you can) or watching online clips if that's easier on:
* How to divorce a narcissist
* anything on domestic violence - it's not ALL physical violence... focusing mainly on the perps moves and psychological make up.
ExH may or may not be a narc but he certainly has "control issues".
EG a narcissist doesn't have a "partner", they have a kingdom and servants.
Them being the King and everyone else is a servant.
There are oceans of info on this.
Google is your friend lol.
Reading the financial side of your story, as frustrating as it is for you right now, makes me see things very clearly indeed....
THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS you got out when you did!
I most certainly HEAR YOU.
My first H was like this.
My last H was much MUCH worse than him.
Your whole life would have been used in this way had you stayed.
Whatever it takes to disassociate in all ways financially, I would DO IT.
Do you still live in the home?
Or does he?
Or is it EMPTY?
Cut and run is my best advice there. ASAP.
I'd rather you deal with financial settlement than ANYTHING else.
Back on to the perfectionism illness.... please watch Brene Brown's The Call to Courage and anything else online of hers.
I never blame "society" for the perfectionism illness at all!
I take responsibility for what I focus on.
I don't see it the same way as you.
I have nice clothes, a pretty magnificent house in my sole name lol... a great family, a brilliant career (and some pretty fancy diamonds from current fiancee) but that doesn't make ME or any one of those elements "perfect".
I didn't DO them or have them because of what "society" dictated to me - HELL NO.
To be honest I WOULDN'T have them AT ALL IF I did what others told me to do! (I'd have NO children for starters).
I did whatever it took to have those elements. Most of those elements I had to fight very hard for as I was going against the grain of what I was "supposed to" achieve according to trajectories for my life at the very least.
As far as I'm concerned, "Society" would merely expect me to be a Law abiding citizen and take responsibility, not shirk it. But there is no "societal expectations" I abide by because of that figment.
I do what I want because I WANT to do it.