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Topic: can someone please shed some light?

10 posts, 0 answered
  1. memory lane
    memory lane avatar
    5 posts
    26 October 2020
    Hi all,
    I am new to this. I am really anxious on posting this. This is complicated as I really need to have another perspective.
    I met my partner and been together for nearly 4 years while we both are separated from our previous marriages. We are very happy together and is serious about our relationship. We kept our relationship under the lid as we are going through our own divorces process. He has introduced me to his closest cousins. Our current situations are: he is living with his parents and going back to fix it up so that they can put it on the market and he stay over there every now and then to look his children. Whilst, my ex-husband and I are separated under the same roof and sorting out our settlement.
    We both have two teenage children. Until things started to change during the pandemic, we could not see each other for 4mnths due to the lockdown. The lockdown has been really hard. He had started to take some anti-depressants and he is consistently flat and shut down. Now, I just feel like I am the only one who has been open about what is happening at my end right now and not so much on his side. He has become very negative about everything. I am worried and anxious as I have fallen very much in love with him. I am not sure if I am over-reacting or I am just insecure?
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Imogen2
    Imogen2 avatar
    25 posts
    26 October 2020 in reply to memory lane
    Hi, just remember male brains are different to female brains; we think differently to men, we are more emotional. Males are more logical. We will never leave the cave lol. So try not to worry he will be handling this pandemic differently to us females. Patience and Trust. I feel your going to be alright and sure you will be together by what I read early in your post.
    2 people found this helpful
  3. sunnyl20
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    sunnyl20 avatar
    56 posts
    26 October 2020 in reply to memory lane

    Hi,

    It can feel daunting to post on here, especially for the first time, but please know that we are here to listen, and to support you as much as we can.

    It sounds like the lockdown has had a big impact on your relationship. I’m sorry to hear that. Trying to navigate divorce and kids and a relationship would be difficult enough without Covid. I can’t say for sure because I don’t really know enough, but it doesn’t sound like you’re overreacting. It sounds like you are understandably very concerned about your partner and his state of mind. I’m sure your support and care means a lot to him, even if he doesn’t say it. Do you feel that it is related to Covid and he may just need some time as restrictions ease things may pick up for him? Or do you think it is something more?
    Take care

    1 person found this helpful
  4. memory lane
    memory lane avatar
    5 posts
    26 October 2020 in reply to Imogen2
    Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it.
    1 person found this helpful
  5. memory lane
    memory lane avatar
    5 posts
    26 October 2020 in reply to sunnyl20
    Thank you for your reply and understanding. I am genuinely very concern about him as his mental health took a bit of hit the past few years and now COVID, not to mention working remotely has also put on extra pressure. He is always trying to be so strong and keeping everything inside of him. With the COVID restrictions also made me overthink about negative things and made me anxious in many ways. And I know that he has been staying at the marital home for his kids during the lockdown even he doesn’t tell me. Honestly I am overwhelmed by so many things happening in my life. And feel alone and afraid
  6. Miserable Miner
    Miserable Miner avatar
    3 posts
    26 October 2020 in reply to memory lane

    Look at it this way Anxiety is actually a good thing it’s a survival instinct making you worry making you think or know something is about to happen regardless, of if it’s just your brain telling you to worry about something that doesn't exists look at it this way if it’s something completely out of your control tell yourself that , learn to accept what happens happens , and think about the problem when the out come finally arises, one problem at a time grab a sheet of paper write down your first worry that pops into your head and then put down your solutions then read your solutions out loud if it makes more sense and is easier to accomplish do that and go from there

    1 person found this helpful
  7. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    13477 posts
    27 October 2020 in reply to memory lane

    Hello Memory lane, and a warm welcome to the site.

    Going through a divorce when kids and property are involved whilst being in another relationship is not easy, simply because a decision that's made between the once married couple may not favour what he actually wants, so it's going to affect him in a way he wants to keep to himself and not discuss with you.

    This COVID-19 has only confused everybody's situation, not only to ourselves but also to those we love but unable to visit.

    The AD's he's taking may or may not be the reason he's not feeling well, combined with going through his divorce, but ADs usually take at least 6 weeks to take effect, some people have a much quicker reaction, but this should be reviewed by his doctor/psychiatrist.

    If he's living with his children he has to explain to them that he still loves them and why the divorce is happening and from my experience during and after our divorce, all of this didn't automatically happen, it was hard work, but achievable.

    He maybe reluctant to tell you about his own circumstances, just in case it affects how your own settlement is proceeding, but love is strong.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1494 posts
    27 October 2020 in reply to memory lane

    Hi memory lane

    I'm wondering if what your observing or witnessing is your partner not managing COVID lock down effectively.

    If you naturally excite him and he's not seeing you, he would need to manage his lack of excitement. A serious lack of excitement is serious, as it can be depressing. If you naturally create a form of stress release for him, without you spending time together how would he be managing to release stress? I could go on in regard to how you may be a natural form of positive therapy for him but you get the gist. So, what you could be witnessing in him is him seriously missing you and it could literally be depressing him, on top of all the stressors he's facing.

    I'm wondering if creating things for him to look forward to will naturally excite him. Making plans for when you reconnect could get him worked up to excitement, raising his spirits. If he has a good imagination, planting images in his head involving a picnic on a nice sunny day with a bottle of wine and a bite to eat, at a place you've dreamed of going together, could do the trick. Getting him to imagine you in a new outfit that you bought especially for when you reconnect might be another thing. The imagination is a powerful thing; once activated, it can change our mental and physical chemistry. It's incredibly powerful at times.

    If he can't imagine any positive difference throughout this COVID challenge, what he imagines in this case will also impact his mental and physical chemistry. If what he imagines is depressing, this can have an impact in a number of ways.

    I've found 'feelings' play an important role in how we connect to life and each other. Feelings aren't often addressed as 'physical emotion' (energy in motion) but when they are, we definitely start to notice how we feel. So, if I said you have the power to change how he feels (life), how does that lead you to feel? I imagine excited, even if it's just a little. Can you feel the excitement in your body?

    Part of the challenge here may simply involve you raising your partner to excitement. Can't hurt to give it a go. I imagine you'll naturally be able to pick what makes a difference to him and what doesn't. If a lot doesn't make a difference, don't give up searching for what does.

    Good luck :)

  9. memory lane
    memory lane avatar
    5 posts
    27 October 2020 in reply to geoff
    Thank you Geoff. Your feedback give me another perspective of things. I appreciate it. I understand that divorce is not easy for anyone. It does caused people to shut down. My partner has a lot of things going on in this life (work, children, finance and his mental status - burnt out from work). I think for him to accept the fact that he has to take AD have affected him a lot. I try hard to be there to be positive and support as much as possible despite I am through very difficult time myself. I must admit I feel frustrated at times seeing my partner going through hard time. I have been through depression many years ago and I understand how it would affect a person. I also know that I need to let him have his time to manage his things in his own way. I can only be here to support him as much as i can and to have patience and understanding. And yes, with the divorce process, my partner has always says that make sure I sort out the divorce settlement for me.
  10. memory lane
    memory lane avatar
    5 posts
    27 October 2020 in reply to therising
    Thank you therising. Time is consistently an issue for my partner. For him, work has always been a priority for him and he works very hard - as long as I have known him. Before and during the lockdown, I have tried many things to let him see that there is light and I make jokes which makes him laugh. I also tell him that in a near future, we can travel, go fishing etc. - still nothing seems to lift him up at the moment. He does tell me that he is missing me very much and he tells me that I do make him happy and that I do too much for him. I have always told him that we are a team and if he is not strong, i will be a rock for him. And him too. I think that our current circumstances is difficult and for anyone going through it. Need to find strength to fight it through I think.

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