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Topic: Commitment issues or Incompatibility

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Grant999
    Grant999 avatar
    3 posts
    27 October 2020

    I’ve been in a relationship for over 3 years. We’re not living together, but still have enjoyed a good relationship with common interests and a strong connection (I thought). A few months ago, my partner asked for a ring to confirm our love. I approached a designer who made a ring with stone. My partner said she wanted a plain ring, so back to the designer. I gave her new ring last weekend and thought she loved it. Today she returned the ring and said the relationship was over as she didn’t feel the relationship was right for her. I’m very confused and feel that the real issue is commitment. I asked for a month for us both to reflect, she agreed but I think this was just to get the discussion over. I feel devastated, not sure what to do. I want to give her space but am worried about losing her. she also said she wasn’t sure how she felt about me and didn’t believe in love. Not sure what to do.

  2. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    Croix avatar
    9204 posts
    27 October 2020 in reply to Grant999

    Dear Grant999~

    Welcome here to the Forum. I'm sorry your circumstances are so bad and that you have to try to fix them by yourself.

    Look, I'll have to be blunt, you asked "Not sure what to do". I am not sure you can do anything. 3 years together is a long time and you would think you know the other person by then. I'm sure you know yourself.

    I'm not so sure your ex-partner does know herself, and has been in the process of finding out. Living in partnership with you must have been good -or at least comfortable, however asking for a ring may have been as much trying to find out about herself as anything else. Wondering if a symbol of permanence would make her feel permanent too.

    It does not seem to have worked , having received a ring and not felt she wanted to continue with you may well have been part of her slow self-discovery. No reflection on you, just she is finding she is not the person she thought she was when she entered the relationship

    The fact the relationship stopped may well have made her stop believing in love and still be unsure about herself and you too.

    I'll admit I'm guessing, if you think of a more likely explanation please sing out, however you have not mentioned any drastic changes in life, such as another person, or even pressure to be together full time or marry. As a result I'm tending to thing she is discovering herself as she grows and the years pass.

    What to do? I'm not sure. I think I'd give it time -but no pressure, and see what happens. She may finds she needs you, she may find otherwise.

    Perhaps set yourself a date, and if nothing has happens by then start on a new social life. I know that might go against hope and instinct, but is a realistic way to deal with a most unhappy situation.

    Please say what you think, we are here for you

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Grant999
    Grant999 avatar
    3 posts
    27 October 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thanks for your feedback, it helps a lot. Yes I am not aware that anything has changed. I feel that having received the ring, she has reassessed the relationship and found it wanting. She isnt prepared to make a commitment that she may regret down the track. My view is different. I feel there's so much good about the relationship, it's worth the risk. Some things will change, others will remain the same, it's all about discovery and sharing life experiences that bring people closer together. i don't want to be needy and will let go if needed, but struggle to understand why she has done this at this time if it's not about fear of commitment.

    I agree, it's really up to her at the moment, nothing I can really do further. I guess I have to try to get on with my life and let her do the same. If something's meant to be, it will be. My problem is that I want to fix it, I think.

  4. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    398 posts
    27 October 2020 in reply to Grant999

    Hi Grant999,

    Thank you for reaching out to BB. Another perspective to Croix to consider...

    When a woman hints "for a ring to confirm our love", she may not be referring to the item itself, but the proposal that usually accompanies it.

    The first was returned - possibly because you obtained a 'dress' ring, the second 'plain' version was also returned because you may not have added your own dedication. I really hope that it wasn't based on monetary value as being the 'symbol' of your love...

    Failing to make the point, your partner may feel dejected and that a continued relationship (on present terms) is no longer appealing/satisfactory for long term happiness (and raising a family...)

    "Confirming your love" requires the understanding for eternal commitment. Did you offer that at any time? Perhaps contemplation may lead you to this conclusion.

    Regards,

    t.

  5. Grant999
    Grant999 avatar
    3 posts
    27 October 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe
    Hi T. I hadn't considered this. We're both divorcees with adult families, so perhaps not at the same stage as a younger couple. I was not overly effusive when giving her the ring, she expected it. But maybe I should have expressed better what the ring represented in terms of my love and commitment. She did say today that she thought that the returning of the ring the first time around was a sign that the relationship was mismatched. Maybe she was underwhelmed and this supported doubts she already had. My gut feeling is that she has made her decision and will not reconsider. Just comes as a great shock, I should have seen this coming and anticipated her response. Thanks for your perspective, it's appreciated
    1 person found this helpful
  6. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    398 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to Grant999

    Hi Grant999,

    Just following up - sorry, I never realised you may not be first timers! Scratch the reference to raising (another) family, but romance never goes out of fashion...

    Something occurred to me: Since you are not living together, is this the nature of 'relationship' you would be hoping to sustain indefinitely?

    Your partner's 'mismatched' comment, and the significance of the 'rings', suggests dissatisfaction with the current arrangements rather than the question of affection, per se (although the two are inextricably bound).

    What are your thoughts on the notion of moving in? - maybe that's what you already assumed with the ring, but have not twigged on making things 'officially' clear to your partner. The transience of living separately may be the issue giving rise to your partner's belief that your heart is not completely in the relationship and she may be looking for more commitment (in contrast to not showing much commitment herself, given the lack of reciprocal understanding). With that in mind, 'wait and see' may not be supporting your case if you are seeking a favourable outcome.

    It really comes down to what level of commitment are you willing to make? If it is only "worth the risk", you may want to reconsider.

    Kind regards,

    t.

  7. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    13477 posts
    30 October 2020 in reply to Grant999

    Hi Grant, I accept what Croix and Tranzcrybe have said, but instead of asking you what commitment you can put into this relationship, has there been one from her to make you feel she is the person for you.

    Once you live together, if this does happen, the relationship will change and be different, once you're together 24/7, and surely one of these returned rings could be placed on another finger, either hand, and then both of you go and choose or design a ring you like.

    To answer your question, I'm sorry, long term love won't be sustained, any ring that's given to someone is to be treasured.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

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