I have been recently struggling with contact with my parents. We never had a good relationship with them anyway. When I was a kid I avoided any close contact with them. I really cannot remember why though. I pretty much wanted to disappear, thinking nobody would probably even notice. The times when I had a partner my mum didn't approve were not better. Being called names, told I was unworthy and that no-one would want me anyway, and that I have to endure this relationship and take responsibility for my choices, and not breaking up with him when she told me to do so. I was just 16-17yo then. And I bloody believed in what she said, and sank deeper in the abuse that almost ended with taking and shortcut to end this misery. And my dad was just a physical figure avoiding any troubles, just sitting there, and letting my mum put me through the mud, stepping in only at the times when she was upset after our arguments, telling me that I should apologize, that she is worried about me.
Since I had a break down couple of months ago, and I finally started understanding my issues and reasons for them, I have real difficulties to pick up the phone and chat with them. I am too angry, feeling too hurt, nauseous with the thought that I should respect them because they are my parents. (As a kid I sometimes hoped I was adopted)
I'm sick when someone tells me, that they couldn't be so bad, that they tried to do their best to raise independent and responsible adult. But as a result there is an ungrateful and defected product they didn't wish for.
Probably if I was physically and/or sexually abused, or there was alcohol and/or drugs involved it would feel more justified to just say 'Goodbye'. But after all, they provided for me, I had clean bed, roof over my head, 3 meals a day. Thanks to them I was able to learn music, and I am really grateful for that. But I just can't get myself to love them only for this. I only feel obligated to talk to them, because it is expected. But I always feel overwhelmed and hypervigilant around them, always having my own parenting judged, always walking on shells around my mother, to not upset her. I hate this feeling, that even though I am 36yo adult I still feel like unworthy little kid, that doesn't know her place and has no opinion. And the thought of cutting the contact completely gives me this feeling, that I am the bad daughter, when they did do much for me. And how come I am angry at them, when they worry so much.