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Topic: Escape or survive a loveless marriage?

  1. Daffodil
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Daffodil avatar
    4 posts
    20 September 2019 in reply to jax_in_my_heart

    Hi Cathy,

    Just wondering how you are going? Been thinking of you !

    Take care,

    Cazza

  2. Daffodil
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Daffodil avatar
    4 posts
    20 September 2019 in reply to Sophie225

    Hi Sophie,

    How are you going? I am also conscious of hijacking Cathy's post :(

    You do have a lot going on your life, but you seem to be coping very well let me tell you!! I know it's difficult for both of us, but we need to stay strong & focussed on the big picture - and patient too (which I am bad at !! lol)

    Hope you have a lovely weekend & make sure you do something for YOURSELF.

    Chat again soon,

    Take care Cazza x

  3. CathyC
    CathyC avatar
    9 posts
    20 September 2019 in reply to Daffodil

    Hi Cazza, hi Sophie,

    Thanks for your messages. Please don’t worry about hijacking this thread. I think it’s really important to have a place like this to share and seek some advice; I know it has helped me. Plus this is the first time I’ve participated in a forum, so I’m not even sure of the acceptable protocols!

    The reason I’ve gone a bit quiet is that I’m struggling quite a bit day to day. I’m pretty weepy all the time. Sometimes I can’t wait to finish the shopping so I can get in my car to cry.

    My husband wants us to buy a new house and it’s really stressing me out. He’s acting nicer to me (to get what he wants, I suppose), but I can hardly bear to look at him. I think decision time is coming and would like to prepare for this, but I can’t seem to get my act together.

    I hope you are both doing better than me!

  4. Cazza65
    Cazza65 avatar
    18 posts
    21 September 2019 in reply to CathyC

    Hi Cathy,

    I feel for you with your challenges but hang in there, I’m sure things will get better 😊 I’ve never chatted on forums before either so it’s all new for me too. I’m enjoying listening to other people’s stories/worries as I don’t feel that im the only one struggling. It helps to vent 👍

    Totally understand when you say you are very teary as it’s a difficult time I’m your life. Don’t be hard on yourself though just try & take one day @ a time. Also I find if I can do something nice for myself that seems to help my mood eg massage, nails done, buy some flowers (depending on your budget of course). We need to look after ourselves & treating ourselves is very important. Doesn’t need to be something big or expensive either. Have you got friends/family you can confide in ? I find that helps too 😊

    Re your husband wanting to buy another house, can you somehow delay that & say you aren’t ready yet or your not in a good place to make those sort of decisions ATM?

    Take care & will chat again soon

    Kind regards,

    Cazza x

  5. Cazza65
    Cazza65 avatar
    18 posts
    24 September 2019

    Hi Sophie,

    Just thinking of you & checking in to see how you are going. Hope all ok with you. Reply when you can.

    Take care,

    Cazza x

  6. Sophie225
    Sophie225 avatar
    22 posts
    24 September 2019

    HI Cazza and Cathy,

    Cathy I hope you're doing ok. I also understand about being very teary. I've been like that for some time, and still am occasionally, except sometimes now I feel numb. Almost as though everything that he now says and does to me can't be any worse than I've put up with for 30 years.

    Cazza - thanks for checking on me. It's been a difficult week facing my own mortality, but I am very happy to say the lump isn't anything sinister so huge relief. I can concentrate on changing my job, finishing my qualification all hopefully in time for separation early next year. (If I can stand it that long)

    I hope you're both doing ok - please let me know how you're doing.xx

  7. Cazza65
    Cazza65 avatar
    18 posts
    24 September 2019 in reply to Sophie225

    Hi Sophie,

    Great news re your lump, what a huge relief for you ! 👍Now you can put that behind you & focus on the other important things in your life 😁

    Just remember, you are doing a fantastic job with studying, trying to cope with a difficult situation at home & working out your finances etc so you can finally move on & separate 👌 I know it must be difficult for you, try & stay positive & think of the future where you will be happy & free ! No more abuse 👏

    Hang in there & take care. You are not alone.

    Kind regards,

    Cazza x

  8. Sophie225
    Sophie225 avatar
    22 posts
    26 September 2019 in reply to Cazza65

    Thanks Cazza, it helps just talking sometimes with people in similar situations thats for sure!

    I am relieved about the lump, and I have taken a bit of pressure off myself by putting my exam date back for a few months, which means I can hopefully concentrate on getting a new job. The two main stresses in my life at the moment are my job and relationship. A relationship which I can't leave until I get a new job - catch 22! Anyway just gotta keep chipping away and something will come up.

    I think whats happening to me at work is bullying on a large scale - like a culture thats been bred over many years. I have been looking at the types of different bullying within a culture at an organisation and most of them apply to my situation. I've never experienced it before, and I am a senior manager!

    I have also been looking at the physical and mental signs that I have been experiencing, and rather than depression - which I have never been diagnosed with - I think I am mentally exhausted. After many years of relationship issues, and even more pressure job related in the last 18 months I'm sure thats what I am suffering from. Normally they ask you if you've had suicidal thoughts, or self harm or stuff like that for depression, and thats definitely not me. I'm just completely exhausted! Quite tearful myself yesterday and this morning actually, bad nights sleep last night, and looking at Fair Work at 3am doesn't help I suppose!

    Has anyone tried St John's Wort and found it effective?

    Keep in touch xx

  9. Cazza65
    Cazza65 avatar
    18 posts
    26 September 2019 in reply to Sophie225

    Hi Sophie,

    I agree, talking to someone does actually make you feel better as it's a relief that other people are 'on the same page' and are experiencing difficulties too. It's good to share our problems.

    I totally understand, it's a frustrating situation & a catch 22 - but just hang in there !

    Bullying is so rife everywhere ! :( I experienced a bad case of it in my last job. The first time in all of my years of working too !! I'm usually pretty easygoing, get my work done, don't cause any problems/hassles but this was crazy & extremely stressful. There were 2 much younger girls than me & we worked together in the front office (no bosses around to witness of course). I couldn't work out what the hell I did wrong for them to pick on me SO much. In the end, I resigned on the spot after nearly 10 months. It was a very toxic environment.

    Yes, it doesn't really sound like depression as you've explained with the symptoms but could definitely be mental exhaustion !

    Haven't tried St John's Wart at all, sorry. I was recommended to take some magnesium tablets though to settle me at night & they worked very well as a muscle relaxant.

    Keep in touch.

    Take care,

    Cazza x

  10. Cazza65
    Cazza65 avatar
    18 posts
    2 October 2019 in reply to Cazza65

    Hi Sophie & Cathy,

    Haven’t heard from you for a little while so I’m just checking you are both ok? Feel free to message anytime, I’m here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Cazza 😊

  11. Sophie225
    Sophie225 avatar
    22 posts
    9 October 2019 in reply to Cazza65

    HI Cazza

    Sorry for delayed response. Still having a nightmare all round! Last week i mentioned to my husband that he was very controlling, and he launched into a tirade of verbal abuse while we were at the pub, I was every name under the sun that you can think of. He told me he is not like other men who control their wives and I am completely wrong (or words to that effect). I was then ignored for a day, and then he seems to be being nice now. No apology, nothing. Just reaffirms to me that I need to get away from him once I have secured another job. The stress of walking on eggshells and work related stress is too much sometimes, and I walked out of having a mammogram the other day and burst into tears. Just needed to release a bit of emotion I think, as I have to pretend and hold it together continuously with no time to myself except when I fall into bed and then I'm either too tired to think or I'm awake for hours thinking. I sure can't remember what its like to wake up and feel refreshed!

    Anyway, enough whingeing from me. Hows things with you?

  12. Cazza65
    Cazza65 avatar
    18 posts
    9 October 2019 in reply to Sophie225

    Hi Sophie,

    No need to apologise at all, I understand - all good 👍😀 you are not whinging either, it’s totally ok to get things of your chest with me or anyone else, venting is good. Let out your emotions & don’t feel bad if you cry or get upset. Totally normal in our situations !!

    I feel for you in your abusive relationship & being on eggshells & you probably feel like screaming with frustration & anger !! Are you seeing anyone professionally? (Sorry if you have already told me 🙄) Try & stay positive but I know it’s very difficult. Have you any family (eg sisters or Mum) you can chat to? I’ve got a fantastic group of supportive friends & I’m seeing a good psychologist.

    Things are ok with me - at least my depression has lifted now thank god. I find exercise is so good for my mental state & I try to walk in my lunch break & have joined a really nice outdoor gym group too & do boxing twice a week.

    Things are still the same at home, just so scared & in 2 minds whether to leave as it’s easier to stay & it’s security. I have the same issues re eggshells but more with my kids not as much with my husband. I never seem to do the right thing in my kids eyes & husband hardly compliments me or says thanks or sorry for that matter. No wonder I’ve got low self esteem 😪

    I have actually taken over payment of the bills so that’s a huge positive step !! 👍

    Hope to hear from you soon but in the meantime hang in there, you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances & remember you are not alone.

    take care,

    Cazza x

  13. Sophie225
    Sophie225 avatar
    22 posts
    11 October 2019 in reply to Cazza65

    Hi Cazza

    thanks for your response. No I am not seeing anyone professionally. I did try a few sessions last year but all I got was basically told to practise mindfulness - which I didn't find helpful at all!

    I do have family but they are all in the UK, and I can't speak to them about what I am feeling as every facetime or phone call I have with them is monitored :( I have a few friends here who know my situation, but I really don't get chance to speak to them much at all as I am always watched. What about you?

    Great to hear that you are feeling more positive. I agree that exercise does help and it does make you feel more energised - I am hoping to myself into that mindset very soon as I do enjoy exercising!

    Also, well done on taking over the payment of the bills - that will definitely help with your confidence and knowing that you can do anything you set your mind to.

    I'm not sure if this will help, but when I emigrated to Australia I looked at it along the lines of, if we don't try it we will regret it for the rest of our lives. I am trying to look at separation in the same way. If you don't separate, and continue the way things are now, will you regret it later down the line? Some soul searching there. Of course, much easier said than done.

    Have a great weekend!

  14. Cazza65
    Cazza65 avatar
    18 posts
    15 October 2019 in reply to Sophie225

    Hi Sophie,

    Great to hear from you. It might be worthwhile searching around for another psychologist who might be able to help you a bit better rather than just offering ‘mindfulness’ 😏. Even just getting things off your chest with someone ‘outside of your situation’ can help. Just my opinion that’s all 😊 It’s difficult when you don’t have family here I can understand.

    Yes, it’s a bit of jump for me to take on the bills! 👍

    How have things been this week for you? Hope you are doing ok.

    Getting some sunshine fresh air & exercising is so good for the mind. Even just 1/2 hour is better than nothing. Try & make time for yourself 😊

    Chat again soon, take care

    Kind regards,

    Cazza x

  15. Daffodil
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Daffodil avatar
    4 posts
    31 October 2019 in reply to Cazza65

    Hi Sophie,

    Just checking in on you. Hope you are doing ok. Haven't heard from you in a little while so I was just wondering how you are - no pressure to respond :)

    Cheers,

    Cazza xx

  16. Sophie225
    Sophie225 avatar
    22 posts
    4 November 2019

    Hi Cazza

    Thanks for checking in. I hope you're doing ok?

    I'm not having a good day today - I had been much more positive for the last few weeks as I am working on finding a new job, losing weight and feeling better about myself, and then I am sure that I can work on my relationship issues, but feeling down today, which is unusual for me. Maybe I'm trying to do too much at once, but I can't see a way out of any of it other than working through it. Maybe I'm tired, maybe its the wrong time of the month lol I don't know.

    Anyway how is everyone else doing?

    Keep in touch xx

  17. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    109 posts
    5 November 2019 in reply to Sophie225

    Hi Sophie225;

    I'm finding you to be a woman of courage, determination and grit.

    Not only are you being bullied at work but you're taking steps to get out of an abusive marriage and I find that inspiring.

    Feeling down is so normal in your situation. Please go easy on yourself.

    Ive read bits and pieces of this thread but prob need to read more before commenting further but I'm cheering you on from the sidelines.

    It makes my heart sing to know that you are making the changes to improve your life and wellbeing. Well done.

    Ive left abusive men and it feels really good and freeing to be away from them.

    You all only deserve the best.

    ☆♡☆♡☆~~

  18. Sophie225
    Sophie225 avatar
    22 posts
    7 November 2019 in reply to monkey_magic

    Hi monkey_magic

    I really appreciate your message. I'm not perfect (and haven't been), but some days are easier than others. Most I am feeling a bit happier now as I know that I am taking steps in the right direction, even though they are small steps.

    The work bullying is quite strange. I have a very good, well paid job, and am a senior leader in my industry but apparently that doesn't stop underhanded bullying happening! Anyway I'm also working my way out of that...

    Thank you to everyone on here for listening, and being non-judgmental, it makes such a difference just knowing that there are others out there in similar situations and who are also walking on eggshells.

    I am keen to hear off the others from this thread to see how they are doing too xx

  19. Cazza65
    Cazza65 avatar
    18 posts
    20 November 2019 in reply to Sophie225

    Hi Sophie, sorry for the long delay in my response ! I am actually feeling a lot better & have "come through the dark cloud" of depression thank god :) Haven't taken any steps in separating though :( When I am in my depressive state I tend to catastraphise EVERYTHING & need to take action immediately. But when I calm down, things actually don't seem that bad after all. Just not sure anymore whether to separate or not.

    Thanks for your message. How are you going?? Hope things are improving slowly for you. Hope you are looking after the number person, YOU

    Keep in touch, take care.

    Cazza xx

  20. Sophie225
    Sophie225 avatar
    22 posts
    12 December 2019 in reply to Cazza65

    HI Cazza

    I hope you are still doing well. I'm having good days and bad days, some days with my husband are ok, but then he goes back to his old self continuously criticising etc. I suppose if I am dreaming of a life without him then my subconscious mind is made up!

    I am still applying for other jobs but its a long road when you are a higher level there are less roles to apply for...

    On the plus side though we have a date for our citizenship ceremony now, so will be citizens in February - yay!

  21. Cazza65
    Cazza65 avatar
    18 posts
    19 December 2019 in reply to Sophie225

    Hi Sophie,

    Lovely to heat from you, sorry for my delayed response.

    Thats fantastic news & very exciting re your citizenship!! Well done 👏👏

    I’m doing ok ATM thank you, can’t wait for a couple of weeks off @ Christmas 🎄

    Hope you enjoy your Christmas & wishing you an exciting & hopefully a happier 2020

    take care,

    Cazza xx

  22. Sophie225
    Sophie225 avatar
    22 posts
    15 January 2020 in reply to Cazza65

    HI Cazza, thought I would post and find out how you are doing?

    Christmas and new year wasnt too bad for me. I have finished my study now, which takes some pressure off, and now have to find a more stable job before moving on. How are you doing?

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