I have been estranged from my father for several years. We have never had a bad relationship, in fact we had a fantastic relationship when I was a child, however it slowly fizzled out as a teenager and now as an adult we do not talk. I do not recall an exact moment that lead to us to being estranged, and for years I struggled with how this happened and blamed myself that I didn't try hard enough, but later I came to tell myself it was not my fault because I was a child in all this as a way of coping and went about my life.
However, today I gained a new perspective. I decided to open old messages and realised on multiple occasions over the past several years he had reached out to catch up, however I had ignored these messages. This might sound strange, but I do not remember this happening. I had been telling myself that he was not making an effort for all these years but today I realised he was - it has completely shaken me and made me feel awful. I fear I am entering the cycle of blaming myself again for our non-existent relationship.
I'm not sure what to do now. At first I wanted to reach out, but upon pondering it more, the thought seems so scary and brings up so many emotions. I worry that I am not ready and will not be able to sustain the energy to build the relationship, as I've tried this in the past and it had fizzled out. At the same time I'm fearing rejection that he may not wish to give the relationship another go.
What should I do? I feel like I need to work through some emotions surrounding this, especially as this relationship has been impacted by my parent's divorce and new family units. I have never been to a therapist/counselling and I'm not sure if that is the best solution for me. I have found reading books written by psychologists helpful in the past, and feel reading other people's similar situations may help too. Looking for suggestions on what action to take next, and any recommended reading material. Thanks :)