Topic: Feeling lost and in love, tell us your reasons.

As a young person I feel like I haven’t truly been in love although I had the occasional heart breaks every now and then, I still truly feel as if it wasn’t love even if my heart tells me I still want to be with them at this very moment.

Being fairly young I’ve been through my fair share of teenage relationships and I honestly just find them a huge hassle but at the same time I want someone I can be able to bring home to my parents and not be disappointed in by their actions.

my first relationship I realised that it wasn’t truly love, yes I loved the idea of what we had but I think I relied more on the idea of us and the support that was offered in a short amount of time during a bad phase of my life.

and then came the next couple people that indeed I fell in love with and obviously it didn’t end well, at that point I wasn’t sure what was to blame. I have a very outgoing personality I know i can be extremely confident but the issues ranged to me not being trusted I apparently was hiding something, or cause I wasn’t open enough or just dumb idiotic reason.

I don’t fail to admit I had given up on love for a long time and still don’t honestly believe in it anymore, what I would I do to go back to my kid days when I all that hurt me was stepping Into legos or running into a table or accidentally ruining my overalls because I couldn’t unbutton them fast enough on the way to the bathroom.

my generation is quite ruined we all want something that everyone refuses to give, a generation with no trust it’s crazy now that I think about it. The love that I want will never exist in this generation because of millions of issues. I’m no fool to love even with my small experience in the issue I see no use in being in love when all love at this time and moment is based of wanting something no one is willing to even offer.

I’m extremely tired of love and I’m not even at adulthood yet and I already find it a effortless and consuming waste of my time

Hello K'eon, and a warm welcome to the site.

The look on our faces when we have someone to go out with, we can feel the excitement and yes, our heart beats away, the first kiss and the first cuddle excites us, so this is young love, but being young it can easily stop and then restart or perhaps someone else takes your breath away, but the difference is all the challenges we have to face as we mature, very little of these have been encountered, so young love is about feelings, however, this still happens with any love but it's more complicated.

Hassles happen as you say, simply because knowledge and experience you haven't had to confront like a middle aged person, and as you're taking your time is sensible because broken love does hurt, but someone will walk around the corner, anywhere, and your heart will beat like crazy when you see a person looking at you, talking to someone else or perhaps just sitting on a bench where a looney tune character shows his heart pounding outside of his body, that's love.

Take your time, love will find you.

Geoff.

Hi geoff,

Thought I'd share my thoughts in this discussion too.

About a month ago, I shared my break up story with a person whom I love dearly, but the break up was caused by her mental illness making her feel like I deserve someone better than her, and that she couldn't give me the love/time/care that she feels I deserve. I remember Jsua sharing their experience to something similar as well, and eventually their partner did come back to them after their partner had figured out that they simply need to love themselves. It gave me hope that perhaps my ex would return in the same manner as well, but I feel it's a dangerous thing to hold on to.

It is that thought that triggered me to grieve last night. I was torn between understanding what true love is, and whether this hope is a sign of true love, or something silly (probably stubbornness?). I hope that makes sense.

Jt

Just a wittle note to K'eon first up.

Don't stress it eh, things will just take on their own form whenever the time comes later on. Meantime just be happy and do the things you love and enjoy in life, no need to worry about all that if your free just enjoy it eh.

Gday Geoff , sorry if l brought on some down in my last post , read over it this morning and sorry about that . Be nice to hear some good news stories wouldn't it hey. And actually when you get time l'd love your thoughts on my situation atm , it's in the last few pages of my ' living alone" thread if you happen to see it around.

Hi jt , sorry to hear about your break up, l hope things work out for ya. But strangely enough my gf's been saying all very similar things last few mths too . She has some serious court things going on and some health stuff and she's had to be up home 1200k away last 5mths. She's been so negative and down on herself too.

ex

Hi all,

Another interesting thread topic here Geoff.

Love is a powerful thing. Sometimes wonderful and others bloody painful too.

I keep my distance from people at times. Some sort of reaction along the lines of 'if you don't let people too close it hopefully won't hurt as bad when they leave' sort of feeling. It doesn't seem to work though.

As to knowing I'm in love, well that's an easy one. Even though my husband drives me up the wall at times, we're totally different and sometimes I wonder why he bothers staying with me there is nowhere else I'd want to be than here with him. If that's not love I've no idea what love is.

Hello Jt, thanks for your comment.

When someone is suffering from any type of mental illness they always presume that they are unable to love another person, that's why it's so hard for them to convey their to you, simply because they don't love themselves.

The reason why you may grieve is that you're not sure when and how she will be if she does return to you, it's certainly possible but she could be rather delicate in how she feels and slightly embarrassed trying to express her feelings, that when companionship and understanding will secure the love between the two of you.

It's not stubbornness but an awkward position you're been put into and can make it difficult knowing how to approach this situation, just take it slowly with her, she needs a friend.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hello RX, will have a look at your thread.

Hi Quercus, keeping your distance can be good, but also has its drawbacks because how can you be sure what these people are thinking or whether or not they are spreading rumours that may be right or perhaps wrong, because our mind can think of so many different thoughts that could way out of line.

If, however, you love your husband, then perhaps at times it may be better to stay away from him when he is not feeling well or in a bad mood and approach him when it's over, whether or not you want to discuss it depends on how you are feeling towards the issue, but an understanding between the two of you is a sign of true love.

I can still love someone even if they do something I don't agree with, love doesn't come with a switch that turns it on and off.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff,

Many thanks for your reply and your feedback. I certainly am a little bit unsure on how to proceed from here, and it does make the awkward for myself. On one hand I want to be a supportive friend, but on the other hand I’m afraid that my presence will just make her seem like I’m being needy. While I check up on her once a week to see how she’s doing, and I understand that her replies can take long (or ignored) because of what she’s going through. I can only trust my actions aren’t coming across to her as needy, and just as a supportive friend. She does reply when I do a check up, and also asks a few things about how I’m going. But when a follow up message gets sent, it feels like it gets ignored. I know not to take it personally, after all she is going through a hard time right now.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s best I just eject myself out of her life, and cut my connections completely. After all, I want what’s best for her, and that is for her to feel better about herself soon, and if my presence is just making her feel worse, isn’t ejecting myself good for her? But I can’t tell if that is the case and if she’s afraid of hurting me more, or if she wants to keep me as a friend still and have that kind of weekly check up and support. I still remember when we broke up, she did say she hope we could still stay as friends. And during the first 2 weeks of our break up, we were kinda chatting like nothing has changed, except for the number of messages that has been reduced. But I still remember one day I explained to her that perhaps it was me who triggered her depression episode, because I wasn’t being myself and I had some insecurities issue (which triggered some existential crisis on myself because I wasn’t sure if I was being genuine with her. I respected her very much, and made compromises wherever I can) , and explained that I want to find self-respect. That was when the number of messages had reduced significantly, she even said after that she’s not feeling well and super tired, so she’s staying away from messaging for a bit. That’s when the weekly check up and reply began.

I want to trust myself that, I definitely am approaching her as a supportive friend. But yeah, it’s really awkward when I do that. I’ll definitely take it slowly. So thanks for the advice Geoff,

Jt

Hello Jt, what can happen is that when you want to support someone who is struggling, the more that goes through your mind and the questions you ask yourself has a greater depth than what she is thinking about because her thoughts can go from one extreme to another, this depends on the person and the situation they're in and can affect your ability to work, study, eat, sleep, and enjoy life and can keep them thinking about a particular thought or alternatively make them feel numb.

You can't be sure whether your insecurity issues are the reason why she feels like this and even if you decide to ask her you may not receive the answer you were hoping for, at the moment.

If you stop messaging her, then she may feel as though he may have no one and after a period of time it will take a greater effort to reconnect back with her, so I would continue and whether or not she does reply back to you, doesn't mean she doesn't know that you're there for her.

It's just as difficult for the partner/spouse to cope with the person they love who has depression, because all you want to do is help them as quickly as possible, unfortunately, this illness can be detrimental for those suffering from it.

If you love her keep in contact.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff and jt.

Jt wondering though if it's about getting back together for you too , or have you given up on that and willing to except just friendship in the future that'll possibly never be more again now ?

And Geoff , don't you think though in a way too, if jt does want the actual relationship back , excepting just the friend thing with her , is a bit dangerous in that way , kinda just friend zoning himself ?

rx

Hi Geoff,

Many thanks again for your advice Geoff, I'll definitely keep it up as I still love her.

Cheers

Jt

Hi randomx,

While I'm still hoping that we can get back together, I understand that if we do get back together, it won't be from where we left off a few months ago. It'll be a very new and different experience (as I can feel myself changing and growing as a person over time ever since I've learned a lot about myself after the break up). It's kinda like, starting a new game all over again, but you're familiar with little bits and pieces on how the game works, and you'd like to give the new game another go.

So to answer your question, yes it's about getting back together, but approaching her slowly as a friend first, and we'll see how things go from there. Can't be sure what will happen over time. But I do know that there will come a time where one of us will ask each other whether we'd like to be in a relationship again. Until then, I'll hope for the best for her right now, which is to feel better from her current mental illness.

Jt

Hello RX and Jt, just a correction in my post I missed an 's', she may feel as though she may have no one.

While you are apart, your mind keeps thinking about what may be different that will entice them to know about something else that will attract them, a new idea that hasn't been mentioned before, which means you are still learning to be able to attract them towards you, don't we do this when we're first in love with someone, we'll do anything that's a little bit extra that appeals to them and vice-versa.

That's exactly how a relationship develops and if we don't agree on any subject or what we want to do and this continually happens then a close friendship tends to fade away and you go in direct directions.

So your personality needs to change to keep them interested in talking with you, because if you make out to be the same every time you talk with them, they may lose interest, even though they're not feeling well.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Sure jt , and yeah you hopefully don't go back to the old issues , we think and try to work them through during these times. l really hope you find ea other again too eh.

All the best with things.

rx

Hi geoff, randomx,

Thank you so much for your feedback and support. I had an advise from a friend today that it's alright to be worried about being too clingy, and it might just be a sign that we were not meant for each other. But listening to your advises and comparing with my friends, it makes more sense now and have a much clearer picture about the situation (it's also making the situation less awkward for myself). Appreciating each other's weaknesses, making compromises wherever we can that does not completely change us for who we are, and also applying our knowledge of each other's love languages (it doesn't have to completely accommodate all their love language, but the major two).

My love for her feels very different now, and I still plan on doing my best to support her as a friend till she feels better. Whether we do get back together or not, is not as important anymore (feeling lesser and lesser to the point I I'm almost accepting that I can just be her friend without feeling awkward). It also doesn't trigger my anxious thoughts too, thanks to the advises from a lot of people in the forums, and my friends and family. But if life does give us another chance to be back together again, I wouldn't mind giving it a go to see how both our new personalities fit each other. I'm really grateful for your advises geoff, rx, as well as the forums.

Jt

Hello Jt, RX and everyone else, much goes through your mind when you aren't with someone who you believe you dearly love, only because it may not be reciprocated, this could be for several reasons, some of which you may know and some which are hidden away and leave you guessing, so your mind contemplates so many different scenarios that go from one extreme to the other, changing your thoughts when you speak to another person, but as soon as this other person leaves, you begin to query and question what has just been said and may go back to your original thoughts.

If the person you love makes all sorts of comments that don't seem to appear as though they aren't interested in 'getting back together', remember there is always that connection of love that will bind you both together, it's only trying to jump over a hurdle but true love will eventuate.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi geoff,

What you said is exactly the scenario that I was in before getting your advice. Somedays messages aren’t getting read. Somedays there’s only one reply from my friend, and when there’s a follow up reply from myself, there’s no response again. At first it seemed really awkward, and I did race back to my original thoughts as well. But it is okay now, when that happens, I tell myself that it’s okay, and will try again a few days or a week later. I know she’s keeping herself busy with art, which is a great thing. And she’s also been seeing her therapist too. I’ll continue to support her and check up on her for now. I try checking up on her by asking how her day is, whether there’s anything that she’d like to chat about, and assure her that it’s okay to be feeling this way, and that I’m here for her.

Jt

Jt, wishing you well. Sounds like a similar situation to myself.

First time being truely in love, the relationship ended because of his mental health. All this time later I'm pretty sure I still love him, and recently he reached out. I have no idea if this is for friendship or the possibility for more. Trying not to get my hopes up as friendship right now is not good for me.

Hello Jt, can I ask you whether or not she talks about her art work with you and does she also ask to see how you are going.

Hello Bubbles, thanks for joining and posting your comment.

When someone suddenly suffers from any type of depression, it's not that they don't love you when you believe the relationship is over, it's just that they tend to want to be by themselves, the love is still there, but they are incapable of saying 'I love you', and even if you ask them to say it, sometimes they may give you a halfhearted response, whereas other times, nothing is said, that doesn't mean they don't love, it's the illness preventing them.

Being your first love is magic and no you don't want to be just friends because this is a feeling you haven't felt before and it's totally different from loving a parent, that can't really be compared.

If you think of him all day, especially when you go to bed, that's love dreaming of him every single moment, but if he is struggling with any mental type of illness, then I hope we can help you as well as if he wants to join, neither the less we may be able to guide you through this for your first love, as I still can remember my first love, it changed my life, that's what I loved.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff,

I’m currently in that situation at the moment. My partner has mentioned that he will happily stay with me even though he knows I’m not happy because he doesn’t want to give me any love. I’ve mentioned that I would like a few gestures of kindness and he used to get upset when I asked.

what do I do? I love him and I have a 4 year old who is very fond of him/

Hello Onairam, and welcome to the site.

I'm sorry for the predicament you are in and if I can ask you, are you unhappy in the first place simply because he doesn't want to show you any love and now that you're in this situation has only made your relationship more difficult.

If you love him but he's unable to return this gesture, that's heartbreaking not only by the fact that he gets upset but also if his interests have waned elsewhere which will cause the situation to worsen, I hope not, especially as you have a 4 year old son.

Why he wants to stay with you could only be because he doesn't have to move, pay another rent and pay for everything by himself, rather than being with you makes his situation much more satisfactory for him.

Please Onairam if you can get back to us whenever you're available that would be lovely.

Geoff.

Morning Geoff and all .

Thanks very much for explaining those things. lt sounds "exactly" , where my gf seems to be with everything she's going through up home at the moment , but then there's us, well there's suppose to be us. She seems to be struggling exactly in the ways you've described and it makes a lot more sense to me now.

Thanks again . rx

Hi Geoff,

She only talks about it a little bit when I bring it up, and she only asks about the things that she remembers that is happening around me at the moment. After that it’s generally just a statement like “hope you’re doing well” or “hope xyz thing that you’re doing is going well”. I can feel that the responses are mainly closed ended statements, and any follow up questions from myself would end up being forgotten or ignored. But yesterday I did ask her about whether she’d like to have a small catch up, as her birthday is coming up soon, and thought it’d be a great idea to catch up and celebrate in small. Unfortunately she declined that invite saying she’s working that day, in which I informed her that it’s okay and that we can catch up another time.

But when I asked her that if it’s okay for me to drop off a small present for her as a way to celebrate her birthday. She declined that as well, and said she’s not feeling well, doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday, and she’s not in a very good place at the moment too. Further adding that she doesn’t want to sound ungrateful, and said to not worry about giving her a present. She also added that she has a lot of internal anger at the moment, which she’ll be working through with her therapist later in the week.

I was able to take in the advises that a lot of people have given me (including yours and the forums, which I’m really grateful for), and responded saying that it’s alright to feel that way, and to keep up with the therapy session. Reminding her that she’s a wonderful friend to me, and I’ll always be there for her and to listen to her. After that our conversation ended with us telling each other to take care and have a good week. I’ll be checking in on her again sometime after her therapy session day.

In a way, it saddens me to see how much she’s suffering at the moment. But I’m glad that she’s still going to her therapist, and I’ll continue supporting her as well. I decided to hold on to the present I got her, and go with what she said and not acknowledge her birthday (as I’m unsure if going against her words will have a negative impact to her recovery).

To Bubbles85,

Thank you for your kind wishes. I hope for all the best for you and your partner as well.

Jt

Hi randomx,

I haven’t thanked you for your wishes. Thank you so much. I’ll be doing my best to support my friend, while also discovering more about myself. I hope all goes well with you and your partner too.

Jt

Hello Jt and all, one reason she may not want a birthday present is that if you do give it to her, then she will have to pretend to be happy, and doing this may be an extraordinary effort she isn't strong enough to do.

I remember when people wanted to give me a birthday present, cause they'd given my twin a present and felt they needed to do the same with me, but I didn't want any presents when I was in depression, simply because I had to pretend to be enjoying myself and at that phase in my life, was almost impossible unless we were drinking.

If you keep the present it will always be something special for her to receive.

I know it's so difficult for you and everyone else and heartaches for all of you.

My very best.

Geoff.

Hi Everyone,

Sometimes relationships confuse me.

I try to be a kind, gentle and caring person to all, but friendships seem a distant memory.

My Mum recently moved closer to use and stated she only wants to see me when she has a job for me to do.

My husband, whom I have been trying to ask to join me for an outing, once a fortnight or even once a month, does not make any effort to join me and now says he wants to holiday with mates in New Zealand.

I've tried to make friends at my work place where I have been for almost 2 years. It is sad to see Facebook photos of people from work together who have rejected my offers of going out somewhere.

Feeling lonely and rejected. Oh well! At least I can still take myself out somewhere!

Hello Dools, I'm sorry this has been happening to you, and if your mum doesn't love you for who you are, then doing what she wants isn't going to change that, especially if it doesn't go the way she wants or expects it too, so, unfortunately, you're caught between a rock and a hard place, and no matter how hard you try to get her love, it will only be superficial, that's not how a mother and daughter's love should be like, it's so disappointing for you.

With your husband, perhaps all he wants to do is have fun with his mates and may not enjoy what you want to do, but rather have a few drinks with his mates, but you have gained so many friends here on the forums Dools.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your kind words. My relationship with my Mum has always been like that. When I ran away from home, she told me she wished I had never contacted the family to let them know where I was!

I should have given up years ago, but she is till my Mum. I just have to deal with the consequences of wanting to make sure she is okay.

I know my husband wants to hang out with his mates, I get that. He has hung out with them for multiple over-seas trips the last few years and he tells me not to waste money driving to the beach for the day! I am the one working and he is the one taking all the holidays!

I try talking to him about this inequality and he tells me he has rights! Seems I don't. He tells me we don't have the money for both of us to go on holidays!

Thanks again for your kindness Geoff, I greatly appreciate it!

Hope you are doing okay? Cheers from Dools

Hello Dools, if I was ever told that I would be devastated and as strong as someone appears to be, to try and cope with the reality of what's been said would not be easy to know what to do.

Although she is still your mum, there is a huge difference between a mum who shows you, love, to one who you might fear a phone call from, for many different reasons, other than caring for how you are going.

It's not feasible for your husband to expect you to be the breadwinner and then take advantage by going on holidays with his mates, you have every right to deny this from happening unless he starts to contribute, I know my wife (ex) certainly wouldn't allow this to happen, not until I proved my weight was worthy of being in the marriage.

If he says 'we don't have the money for both of us to go on holidays', then perhaps save until this is possible.

I'm so sorry Dools, all of this makes your life so difficult and I feel for you.

Geoff.

Exactly how I feel, I am so in love with a man I met last month but it makes me feel physically sick to fall in love again and risk being hurt....

I cannot handle the pain and heartache of being so in love and putting myself out there to get hurt but here I am doing it anyway!!!