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Support following the bereavement of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

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Topic: Feeling lost and in love, tell us your reasons.

  1. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    17 June 2021 in reply to Elsam

    Ohhhh , l know what your talkin about believe me.

    Had of l done so earlier though, l wouldn't be in risk of losing her and us now that l am now. We would've been US , long ago, that's all she wanted.

    Oddly though , you know l believe women are usually far gamer at trying again and throwing it all on the line again, than men though actually. They've just amazed me that they'll even try again but they will. Where as a lot of men , not all but a lot are very very cautious about going near the L stuff again.

    rx

  2. geoff
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    17 June 2021 in reply to Elsam

    Hello Elsam, we know what that feeling of being in love is, it's so powerful and it is such a beautiful position to be in, even though I know it's by sending messages to each other, but also photos, and if there wasn't any love, would any photos be exchanged, cherish this moment.

    All my best.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. geoff
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    17 June 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX, women definitely crave the excitement to be loved in their own ways, but so do men, it's just that they say and show it in a different way.

    Women don't feel embarrassed to say those words any relationship desires, whereas men want to repeat them but scared of what their mates will say, but when two people are in love, there isn't anything that can draw them apart.

    It's beautiful.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. randomx
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    17 June 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff

    What l was getting at though isn't about expressing love but about the trying again , and risking more hurt after divorce or whatever . Not to mention a lot of men get ripped off financially through divorce , lose any normalcy relationship with their kids , and usually their house and generally get screwed over , as well as the shear pain and hurt of the divorce itself.

    Soooo, from my experience , not too many are willing to jump back into that again any time soon , or risk all that or the hurt again l certainly wasn't myself let me tell ya. Women on the other hand will jump straight back into love should they find it , even if they were the ones that got hurt or lost out , they'll risk it again , they'll still jump back in if love does come along again later on. Men are usually far far more dubious and cautious of becoming too involved again.

    Not all , knew one guy that raced off and remarried 18mths later, but many are.

  5. Doolhof
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    17 June 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    Thanks again for your kind words. I know I have choices, I just don't have the strength to make them!

    My depression and mental health issues don't help with relationships. Low self esteem and a poor sense of self worth doesn't help.

    Generally I try to make the most of what I have. Taking greater advantage of what is available to me would be beneficial. I have so much to be thankful for, some days I just want more!

    Cheers to you Geoff from Dools

  6. Doolhof
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    17 June 2021 in reply to Elsam

    Hi Elsam,

    It can be difficult to put ourselves out there, to open up to new relationships of any kind and to have a sense of hope and trust all will go well.

    I guess the reality is, every relationship is built up of each person's own experiences and expectations. Communication is important, expressing our expectations, needs and wants might be beneficial as the relationships continue.

    I feel we sometimes need to feel vulnerable in new relationships but also need to know when to step back if necessary and know how to look after ourselves.

    I hope you can take each day as it comes and your friendship develops and grows into a mutually caring, understanding and loving relationship.

    Regards from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  7. geoff
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    18 June 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX, yes I know exactly what you are saying, and have known some mates who have decided to remarry twice, three times or possibly more, only to once again end in divorce, searching for the love so desire, but you don't necessarily have to marry to find the person you so long want to be with.

    Divorce can slow people down and affect their relationship to not only make it difficult to concentrate with their kids but also their work and to function socially and makes them feel confused, frustrated and worry about what's going to happen in the future.

    I've been through this myself and it took me several years to be able to overcome this, especially after 25 years of marriage, but your attitude changes and look in at your life in a different way, some people are able to become stronger, while others still struggle with what they have lost.

    It is very sad when love turns to the opposite way, unfortunately, it happens and that's the sad part.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  8. geoff
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    18 June 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Dools, sometimes we gain greater strength by doing exactly what we want to do, then we are able to cope with what's left, if in turn, we aren't able to take that step, then we can never be sure and left in the limbo, struggling along with all the hurdles facing us.

    Low esteem and self worth begin to grow in another way once a decision has been put into a plan and you develop differently, because you have to look after yourself, first of all, then you have the strength to move on.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  9. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    18 June 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff and All,

    This last week I caught up with some friends and I greatly appreciated their company. I know my husband can not provide all the sense of connection I need, so I try to catch up with other people and do enjoyable activities.

    Yes, I do need to decide what I can manage to achieve with what I have available, to reach out, look outside of the box, expand my ideas and plans and see where to from here.

    Resentment, frustration, feeling like I have no voice and I am not listened to does not help, so I need to change those things around.

    Time to find more strength, determination and self acceptance!

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  10. geoff
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    19 June 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Dools, sometimes we need to break the bubble we're caught in, to finally achieve what we are now looking for, as this does change over any length of a relationship, in other words, our situation needs to be looked at in another way if this doesn't happen then it's just like being put into the freezer, we're stuck, we're unable to move around or create other ideas that will free us.

    None of us wants this to happen in all our lives because we become stale in being able to make new decisions that will eventually allow us to be a new 'you', that can enjoy a different life we all want so much.

    It could involve changing your routine, alter the way you really want to socialise, do activities that long ago you weren't allowed to do or make that decision to cross the line you were expected not to cross.

    We can't remain to be stale, it doesn't achieve anything in life that we really want to do and it doesn't produce the love within side yourself and if this is missing then you won't enjoy your life.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  11. Doolhof
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    19 June 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff and All,

    I really like the analogy of being stuck in the freezer!

    Not only are you stuck there, if you stay you just become more set and may become covered in frost making it even harder to thaw out and get moving again.

    My mind can quite often be very visual. Thank you for this mental stimulation and your wisdom!

    Cheers to you Geoff!

    1 person found this helpful
  12. quirkywords
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    19 June 2021 in reply to geoff

    Geoff thanks for this great thread. I have been reading it over the weeks but now I will post.

    I find people can say

    I love you but

    I will love you if

    if you loved me you would

    As if love was a commodity we can negotiate and bargain with.

    I was in a relationship where he said if you loved me you would understand I need to drink and it causes me no harm.

    i would prefer someone not to tell me they love me but show me by their actions than someone who says he loves me then his rude and disrespectful.

    my analogy is a boat on rough seas and just when we bale out all the water and water is calm Partner puts a tiny hole in the boat and it starts again the rough seas and bailing out.

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Guest_1643
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    19 June 2021

    i know this thread has a focus on relationship-love but i'm thinking about the friends i lost in the last few years...

    i'm reconnecting with some now and i apprecite it

    and others i feel happy that i walked away from because it led to better health and sanity for myself - they were dragging me in the mud and spiteful

    sometimes i wander why ppl are friends with me if they are so mean - and usually that means there is some ulterior motive. not all ppl seek out friendships for the some reason. sadly, sometimes ppl use each other for their own ends

    when love dies, what is left? Do u have a warm, fuzzy feeling for the person, and thank the universe for the time shared. Or do u feel relieved, and maybe een a bit troubled and upset by the memories of them?

    Some ppl who were so intense and full of love for me left my life not with a bang, but with a whisper... like they were never there at all. And were never missed.
    Others I shared a more brief period with, and will always remember with fondness.

    I think sometmes it's after the fac that that we see if someone was a real "love of our life"

    Could be it was just infatuation and drama.

    2 people found this helpful
  14. geoff
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    20 June 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Dools, Quirky, Sleepy and everyone else with many good points being made by all of you.

    Love is certainly not a bargaining tool, and definitely not a commodity we can negotiate and bargain with, if you love someone then you can trust them in every way possible and it shouldn't be used to dangle a carrot over their head, in other words, you can't say if you allow me to do this, then I'll love you, that's not how love works because it is disrespectful.

    People who are mean to us only stay 'friends' simply because they have another person to order around and have great pleasure in being able to demoralise and degrade your repetition because there is no way you could possibly tell them off, according to them that's not how it should work, sure there may be the occasional time here and there where this is permitted but definitely not constantly, some thought needs to be taken into account to remain friends.

    When loves dies, an affection between two people vanishes, where a reason may be demonstrated or justified, but only what one person thinks that, while the other tries to cling on, but trust, dishonesty and broken promises can be too difficult to overcome or a person is only trying to find themselves and looking for a person who does want to love them for who they are.

    Sometimes a different type of love can be formed once a relationship has broken up, and only happen if they care for the person.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  15. randomx
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    3349 posts
    23 June 2021

    Hi Geoff and all.

    l'd like to get some opinion on should l write to ex ?

    Some might know l've been with gf now , a few yrs now but early last yr we broke up for awhile bc of her legal situation .

    During that time ex and l talked/messaged a few wks, bc l was also a little confused and still stuck at the stage. However neither of us were really ourselves talking again, it had been a long distance thing visiting a few times a yr with us before so with a lot of frustration with circumstances that caused a few arguments along the way when we were together back then. She also had some mh problems too and it was although in most ways an incredible thing between us , it was also pretty rocky whenever we were apart. l was never really sure if they were MH problems though or just stress and frustration of being so far apart subconsciously sabotaging or what bc it was a really hard situation especially for her.

    l told her l'd met someone else meantime even though we weren't together anymore at the time, l didn't wanna hide it. Ex wasn't too pleased , l was edgy bc ex was a bit peed and things were just weird after l'd told her. A few wks and it came to a head we had a fight and stopped talking and haven't since, 12mths. Ex got a bit nasty but really she was just upset, but l got upset back at things she said and told her l didn't want to go on any further.

    Well , she's blocked me later ever since but l've had regrets and felt like l should've allowed for her being peed about the new gf thing and knowing how ex ticks l've just felt bloody terrible and guilty since about the way it all finally ended.

    So , l am still blocked again now although l saw she did unblock me a few times but when l didn't communicate she reblocked me, soooo, l'd have to write. lt was just a really stupid and sad way for things to end though and l'd really like to just apologize for my end in it and find some closure for us both. Or something !!!

    Do you think l should write , even though she's blocked me again ? l know that is just from hurt and the way she ticks buttttt still ?

    rx

  16. jtjt_4862
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    23 June 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi rx and all,

    I feel both you and your ex are still grieving from the end of your relationship with each other. There was a reason why the breakup happen, so might be worth reflecting on that, and come to accept why it happened so you could move on.

    I can understand your desire to message her back, apologizing from your end, and looking for closure. I've done that in the past as well, but it only further jeopardized our future friendship (since we both initially agreed to stay as friends). It might be best to reconsider what are you looking to get out from messaging her. Is it really worth it? And are you doing yourself a favor by messaging her, or further hurting yourself. Her unblocking and blocking of you may be a sign that she is going thru the same thought as you too. She isn't sure whether to message you, or continue ignoring you. You could do both you and her a favor by not contacting her at all until your feelings for each other have subsided. Give yourself a break and love yourself more, you've both done splendid with your previous relationship.

    Speaking of messaging. I agree with Geoff that a different type of love can be formed once a relationship has ended. Because I still care for my ex as a friend, who's going through a really tough battle by herself. So I tend to check in on her once a week, even if she doesn't respond, I still make the effort to do so. Yesterday I got a really long response from her. She explained that she really appreciates my check-ins, but told me to not worry about doing so as she's got her therapist to help her thru things. She also reiterated about how our break up is fairly recent, and we still need space from each other to process our emotions and thoughts. The message ended with her asking me to seek love and happiness within myself, and to find someone else amazing to be with. It made me realize, even though I feel like I'm over her, but she currently doesn't have any capacity to process thru the break up while she battles with her depression. My check-ins was just further burdening her, and I told myself to just trust that she will be alright with her therapist, and respect her request for space. My last message to her was also hoping that she can seek love and acceptance to the wonderful unique person she is, and hope we can catch up whenever she's ready. I now plan to stay silent until the day she's ready to reach out again as friends. They say time heals, but I space helps too which is often overlooked.

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  17. randomx
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    23 June 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi jt and thanks for the thoughts.

    l can see where your ex is coming from , My gf now too is in a terrible situation and frame of mind and l know a relationship can just be too much on top , or even contact . lt's one of our issues right now in a make or break atm too.

    But nah , it's not friends with ex l want from writing , l have no interest in being friends with an ex. Ex w and l have to be in touch all the time to parent our daughter but that's it for ex's for me.

    Ex gf well , we were a huge thing , as big as ex w, and yeah l know and feel she is thinking about me as l have her, we've always been an exact sync , it will probably be for the rest of both our lives l'd say whether we end up remarried to someone else or not.But l've just felt so bad that l didn't allow her to get it off her chest and for a bit of silliness , being human, she was hurt . And that's one of the reasons l've wanted to apologize, for her and to her as much as for me , moresi actually. She'd been hurt very very badly in the past The last thing l wanted was to hurt her even more.

    What do l expect , l don't know , maybe some peace for her knowing l'm sorry , and maybe some peace for me knowing l;ve told her. Or something !

    l don't want her carrying around even more hurt, yaknow.

    rx

    2 people found this helpful
  18. jtjt_4862
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    23 June 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi Rx,

    Apologies for my misunderstanding, I was not aware of ex-w, and thought they were the same person. I see your point about the blocking and unblocking now. Perhaps she was flipping between whether to speak to you about getting more closure from the break up, but decided to block and ignore you again. Or perhaps waiting for you to say something if she knows you owe her an apology, only to block you again.

    I feel an approach would be to give her some space, and let her process her own emotions and thoughts at her own pace. As you're unsure whether messaging her would have a negative impact, or if it will give her the peace of mind that both you and her needs. If she is seeking for more closure from you about the break up, she will come to you at her own pace. I hope you'll be able to find peace within yourself about the break up.

    Jt

    2 people found this helpful
  19. randomx
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    23 June 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi jt , and thanks for the thoughts appreciated.

    She would've unblocked me to talk , even try again. But when l didn't contact her she would've left in a huff and hurt. lt wouldn't have been about closure.

    The last time she appeared was a few wks back , it set me thinking about the letter.

    Ah well , l'll think about it all more.

    Cheers for that. rx

  20. geoff
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    24 June 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX, I think Jt has given you an excellent reply so I just wonder whether you want to write to your ex girlfriend to satisfy how you are feeling because if for some reason you love her, even just a little bit, then you want to make peace with her.

    If you didn't care for her, then you wouldn't want to write a message to her, with the possibility that eventually you could be together, but there are many 'what if' because you don't know exactly what else she might be agonising about which she hasn't told you.

    If however, she left in a huff and hurt then what you want to do and rightly so, is appease your mind that someone else doesn't worry, care or even love you as a friend, so I don't believe you can keep wondering and asking these questions to yourself, you need to find out, then you'll have an answer.

    You aren't even sure whether or not she's going to get a visa yet, so all of this worry may be for nothing but try and contact her, if she ignores you and doesn't respond then you have your answer, or if it's a half hearted response, you still know how she feels.

    Your hands are tired as she's doing what she wants to do.

    Sorry RX hope I haven't upset you.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  21. randomx
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    24 June 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff , and thanks as always for the thoughts.

    But nah this isn't my gf now , we're still together , this is about the ex gf . We met after my divorce , and hers to actually , we were together a few yrs, then we split and later on l met gf now. But yeah my gf now is the one with visa and some other problems and yeah , we're still together.

    She knows l still feel guilty about the way ex and l ended and l've been thinking of writing to her . She says that's up to me.

    TBH , l'm not really sure why l feel the need to wrote that letter to ex though either , apart from the obvious that l've just really wanted to apologize for the way we ended and that's been eating away at me a long time now. A sort of closure l suppose , and in the hope that she won't feel so hurt.

    l know it might sound confusing and yeah it has been.

    Anyway , sounds like you both think l shouldn't write to her and just leave her in peace , go on with my new life and gf now , you might be right.

    rx

  22. jtjt_4862
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    24 June 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi Rx,

    I can understand how you feel about wanting to make peace with your ex-gf. When we feel like we've done something wrong, we really want to fix things up. But sometimes, we don't know if we're actually fixing the issue, or making things worse. In the end, we realize that we can't fix everything, it's going to be too mentally taxing if we do so. When that happens, the best we can do is to accept what has happened, and just move on.

    Be living in the moment with what you have now, let go of the past, go enjoy your new life and appreciate the person that you're with now. Life will be better from here on with or without your ex-gf. Your ex-gf will be able to find closure within herself, and she has all the time in the world to do so herself.

    Jt

    2 people found this helpful
  23. randomx
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    24 June 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Thanks J.t

    But gees, tell you what , it must be a pretty dumb idea that l just can't see for some reason bc l've talked about it with a friend to and now here , and no one has even understood why l'd even want to write her and said much the same as people here.

    I wonder wth l'm missing which isn't usually very much l can tell you but my idea with this must be 10k off.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  24. jtjt_4862
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    24 June 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi Rx,

    Please forgive me if I have misunderstood your intention for wanting to message your ex-gf. It makes me feel that, your time with your ex-gf must've been a wonderful one. But the both of you decided to end things over something silly, and you're having feelings of deep regrets for having to end things that way, thinking it was your fault that things turned out that way? You feel the need to take up that responsibility of hurting her, and wanting to apologize to her, hoping that by doing so it will bring you two back to neutral terms instead of leaving things on a sour note forever just like that. Would that be how you're feeling at the moment?

    Would it make you feel better if you contacted her and apologized to her?

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  25. randomx
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    24 June 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi J and thanks and no l meant no offense btw , l was more thinking it must be just one helluva dumb idea .

    But yeah , something like what you've said. But l dunno, seems pretty obvious to me if we'd said hurtful things breaking up they'd obviously carry those things with them for a very long time if we don't apologize.

    But anyway. rx

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  26. jtjt_4862
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    25 June 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi Rx,

    None taken, we're all learning to understand each other. Really appreciate your kind words. I agree that they do carry on with you (hurtful things and emotions), and your feelings about it is just as valid as everyone else's thoughts. Even if we do apologize, it may still linger within you more, or it may even be permanent. We can only learn to accept that these feelings exists and will remain within us forever, and move on.

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  27. geoff
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    25 June 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX, Jt and anyone else, I know where you are coming from RX because when my wife left me and filed for divorce our relationship was rather tense as I was so disappointed and never ever expected something like this to ever happen but once the house was sold she said she'd come up and clean the place before I moved out, that's what I was hoping for so that we could start talking again, so instead of writing her a note, she actually rang me.

    I now understand where you are coming from RX, and if you are going to feel better, then by all means do it, whether or not she accepts what you've said, I suppose doesn't matter, because you have tried your best to clear the air and now you have a clean conscious, that's exactly what you're trying to achieve, so you have done your part.

    If you sit back and keep worrying about whether or not to do it, then you won't have a clear conscience, but if you write her a message then you can put this behind you and maybe one day in the future you will cross paths once again, but you might not get any response back from her, that doesn't matter, you've done what you want and that's what counts.

    Best wihes.

    Geoff.

    3 people found this helpful
  28. randomx
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    26 June 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff and thanks for that very appreciated.

    Sorry if l didn't do a very good job of explaining myself firstly up there . But yeah what you've said is pretty well all l had in mind.

    lf she excepted it that'd be really nice and it'd really help her too but if she didn't well that'd be ok too at least l'd know that l'd tried to say what l felt l should explain . l'd never know either way l doubt we'd ever be in touch again now but that's ok.

    Still thinking about whether l will write or not but, we see.

    Thanks guys. rx

    1 person found this helpful
  29. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    16453 posts
    27 June 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX, writing her a note, depends on whether or not you want to go into any great detail, but I wouldn't make it too long, otherwise, it will be thrown away, just make it a couple of sentences about how you feel, if she replies with a positive response then you've achieved what you intended to do.

    The longer you delay this, the longer you'll only be curious.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  30. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    27 June 2021 in reply to geoff

    Morng Geoff/

    Thanks for the thoughts.

    Nah she probably won't reply anyway l wouldn't send it for a reply or to expect to talk later. Only to know that she'll then know once and for all. That's enough.

    Hope your well. rx

    ps , l hope talking to your ex went ok, read it in Elsams thread, best of luck and peace.

    1 person found this helpful

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