Topic: Feeling lost and in love, tell us your reasons.

Hello RX, thanks for your reply and understand where you're coming from.

I'm seeing the ex again on Tuesday as it's my son's birthday and will have a look at Elsam's thread.

Thanks again RX.

Dear geoff, what a beautiful thread you started.

Hi everyone, I've read everyone's posts from the beginning & am in awe of each of you.

Dools, my eldest d wanted to speak to me today about Love & my mothering. This has always been a fear riddled area for me to go into with her. Today it was pleasant.

I wanted to acknowledge the deep pain you feel over your own mother's treatment of you.
You do not deserve this type of treatment any time from anyone. You know this.
None if it is your fault. Your mother appears to be ill equipped to show you unconditional love just as my mother was so brutal, police had to intervene.

Sometimes it seems like dice were thrown & we just got what we got.
As you may know I've been NC for decades, painfully for the first 10y & now have acceptance.
I still love my mother deeply. But am not able to show her in the way Covey states "Love is a verb"... well it's also an emotion.

I found love explained, in the myriad of forms it can take, so well by M.Scott Peck in "The Road Less Traveled". A brilliant reference book. It also explains myriads of other MH conditions which helped me make some "sense" of what I was dealt, not just with my mother but with my absent father & ex partners.

Dools, Sleepy & others, if you were my daughters, I'd cherish you & appreciate you.
As much as we seek our mother's love, for those of us who live without it, we still have the capacity to love ourselves and others. ESP our pets lol!

geoff I first read a thread titled "What is Love?" on an international forum then read the pages of pain & heartbreak shared, right at the time I was dealing with deep betrayal & heartbreak also.
I read the OPs posts with an incredible feeling of "knowing" this person, like we thought about Love, marriage, commitment, family in exactly the same way. Two peas in a pod. It was 6 months before I responded to his thread and 9 months before he sent a PM to me.

Then 3 months of the best & deepest support I'd ever known from anyone in all my life.

I didn't even know what he looked like!
He had no idea what I looked like either lol.
I already felt a deep connection - a form of love in and of itself.

6 months later we met in person & had the most romantic trips of our lifetimes all over the U.S. & Europe.

We're engaged now. It's been over 5y & our commitment is deeper than ever.

It took a long time to know what true love felt like.
It took a long time to begin to trust someone again.

Love EM

Hello EM, that's truly lovely the last part of your comment and surely wish you all the best with your new love.

Love is certainly a verb because once the honeymoon period wears off that's when the true feeling of love begins to cement itself in with the two of you, and it can certainly wake someone up when they had believed there was no hope for the future, once that person walks around the corner and you see each other, there is no way you can stop your heart from pounding so fast, your mouth becomes dry and you don't know what to say unless you think you will lose the chance to meet up with each other.

When you love a friend it's different than when you're in love with a partner, it takes on another dimension and definitely shown in many other ways.

My best.

Geoff.

hi lovely ppl

thank u all for keeping this thread so real. it's amazing. ur all amazing.

Jt i read through ur journey and was really heart-warmd by the way u worked through ur hope to maybe reconcile with ur ex, to undrstanding she needed space. I understand how much u care for her and also it's hard sometimes to accept change in a relationship or a break, because sometimes we feel like the person may change their mind and the realtionship can be saved. I believe space works wanders in helping clear ur head, but I've struggled with it a lot myself, and wanted to be in touch with someone who I felt affection for.

It was great she could say clearly what she needs and i think she will find what she needs from friends and her therapist - at this time. Good on u for honouring her path, i think this will be the best way to find out if u need to be in each other's lives ever again - to have that space truly and fully, as so much can be processed this way. sending care.

Hi Sleepy21,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Space certainly does wonders with the healing process, and I could feel myself handling the situation better. I'm really grateful to the support of friends and families, as well as the lovely people on the BB Forums (want to give a special shoutout to everyone who have contributed in this amazing thread created by Geoff).

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with getting in touch with someone whom you had feelings to. I hope you were able to find peace within yourself to help you through your struggles. Happy to listen to you anytime if you feel like chatting about it.

On the topic of love. One day I was thinking about what love meant, what true love is, what it means to be in a relationship, and how they all relate with each other. It made me reflect on the time with my ex (which was what triggered missing her and the grief). Love being the feeling we have within ourselves towards an individual, and cannot be controlled by others. True Love is the sign of showing kindness, compassion, sympathies, and care towards someone else's weaknesses, and relationship being a collaborative effort to co-exist with each other. It is because of this that I felt our relationship may have a second chance. But space apart and time have made me reconsider that (which was what triggered thinking about the future). I sometimes wonder, if I did give it a second chance, what are the chances that things will just end the way it ended in the past? I guess that's why a lot of advice that I've gotten, have taught me to live the moment, and have confidence in ourselves to be able to deal with whatever life hurls towards us. My curiosity gets me excited about wondering how different life would be if we do contact each other again. But for now, I'll work on myself to be a better person, and do some exploring to find my true-self (something that I felt I've lost even before my relationship happened). As weird as this may sound, it makes me feel grateful for being able to experience a break up in life.

Jt

l must be one of the fortunate ones never in my life have l wondered what love meant l always knew it but l got to live it too.

l don't think l've told you em probably bc it's not really right now as in the end it didn't work out anyway and as you know there's somebody new for awhile now.

But my ex and l also met in a forum and your story always reminds me haha. But it was the bizarrest thing even happened to either of us. For some reason l spotted her name among 1000s and stared at it, l'd go back check it next day, again and again. Never ever went to her thread l just needed the name that went on a few wks . Eventually l did go to her thread and l could hear her voice, her person , l knew who she was, what she was. Awhile later l emailed her and it turned out she'd been staring at my name 2mths too, l knew we were feeling ea other. She was also extremely intuitive for want of a better word and knew l was coming that few mths too, even my real name was on a cars number plate beside her at lights on the other side of the world and yep it was my name and she knew it. We had many bizarre things went on people couldn't even fathom if we did tell someone. l'd even met 8women in the mths before names beginning with T , l knew she was coming and her name began with T. Many many weird weird things too many to even touch on.

But yeah , we showed pics and talked all night it was instant and a few mths later she flew across the world to meet and stayed 2mths. that was all even more mind blowing.

To this day l still have trouble and she too, l can feel her and know when she's thinking about me and her me. But why such a bizarre thing could happen to two people, but yet it couldn't work out with obstacles.

lf there really is such a thing as twin souls we were it but yet, here we are , new separate lives and apart. lt's a topic that will fascinate me forever now and unfortunately l know we'll both wonder the rest of our lives too.

rx

Just wondering .

Why would something as strange as ex and l even happen , if it's not even going to work out ?

Thoughts anyone ?

Yet for those that believe or have researched to any depth the realm of the true twin flame , it's said actually , that they often do not last . So what's the point.? You don't need to live something like that for any useful lesson that can't be had in a far far less emotionally and so far less damaging way , so it's more like just a cruel teaser from the Gods really than anything useful, that you'll wonder about the rest of your life.

rx

Hello Everyone, too many great people to actually name you all, but if I can start here ' can a relationship have a second chance', a very good question, the reason why you want this to happen, is because there is still a twinkle of love, and if this wasn't the situation, then it's not worth even trying, but you can't be the exactly the same person you once were, you have to change even slightly so that the same problems that forced you apart don't happen again and it's not one person it's the two of you.

This maybe harder to do because the other person immediately starts going down the same track as they did before, that's when you have to tell them to stop and if they aren't able to do this, then there won't be a third reunion.

People have to come to grips with what drove you apart and then think that they need to change if they want to stay together with the person they love then realise a mistake they have made, remember it was all the good times you had together that made you fall in love, but only one bad mistake that drove you apart, so the good outweighs the negative.

If, however, you have tried dating other people and nothing has eventuated, doesn't mean you should hook up with your ex just to feel wanted in some way, because even if this goes belly up, then how are you going to feel, probably worse, and that's not what we want.

Pay attention to how your body feels when you see someone and remember no two people are alike but this doesn't and won't stop you from loving another person, maybe their idiosyncrasies are enjoying being part of and rouse a giggle in you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Great stuff Geoff and timing too for me right now. Something that's weighed a lot on me over a few yrs now but creeping back in again lately due to my situation right now being so up in the air and all over the place.

ldiosyncrasies with ex were just so surreal enough on their own to just keep us both wondering . Even the females with T names thing, 2 were my daughters friends, 1 was the real estate agent sold us this house, then the lady l bought the house with bc it had extra land with it so she bought that section which enabled me to buy the house itself. lt was all very very weird and l realized on about the 3rd or 4th T name l'd come across in a row. And then later when ex and l met, more name things that had happened with her too. But we had so many other bizarre idiosyncrasies too that it all just became downright eerie later on.

Thing is , things with the new person that came a long , just don't seem to want to work out and l've wondered many times if it's all still about ex and that unnaturally ending earlier the way it did. And things you've talked about there .

Our main things were moving obstacles that in the end were what caused lots of frustrations and moods l realized later , and it all broke us up. so l've wondered if that thing that would have to change that you've talked about, was simply hanging in there instead of walking away and giving up. Because we probably would've worked it out if we did.

rx

Good afternoon everyone,

I absolutely agree with Geoff's point. If the by any chance life brings us back together again, things have to be different from the past to avoid the same event that broke us apart. To be honest, my time away from her has given me more space and time to think through things clearly. About a month ago I mentioned I wouldn't mind giving the relationship another go, mainly because I was stuck in an awkward situation of trying to be a supportive friend given her mental health issues, but don't want to look like someone desperately wanting to get back together.

But now, my love for her feels different. It's love on a friendship level I suppose, rather than someone who I feel I want to be with at an intimate level for the time being. I know she's a strong and independent person, and there's no way she'd want to be back together again. Do I miss her? Not so much anymore. There'll be random times I'd think back to her cute personality, and some memorable times together, but it's going to be something that I'll carry on for the rest of my life. Do I still care about her? I do actually, I really care for her to feel better soon from her struggles, and hoping for all the best for her in achieving her art dreams and goals.

So taking that reason, it's only logical that I work on myself, and perhaps someone better will come along in the future. Maybe in the future, both myself and my ex changed drastically that we become more compatible than before if we do get back together. But because we can't predict the future, it is why I should keep practicing to live the moment and continue working on myself first.

@RX, I feel for you as well, and can resonate well with the reason you and ex broke up. Perhaps it was just more time and understanding that was needed, on how to work things out in a relationship together, rather than dropping everything all the sudden and giving up. Though, neither decisions are wrong, and we can't tell whether things would've been better if we just hanged in there. But on the question on why ex and you happened when it was just going to end with a break up, I had similar thoughts as well. It's funny what life throws at us, but I'm sure everything that happens, happens for a reason, and whether it's good or bad, it's up to us on how we want to interpret the outcome of the event.

Jt

hi rx have u ever seen the french movie cafe de flore?

along the lines of ur earlier post.

Hit jt .

Maybe things with your now ex are the way they were meant to be after all now bc your emotions seem to be almost at peace lately considering . Hopefully time usually reveals all especially from the outside as you are now and you find where your truly at in it all.

And thanks for the thoughts too. Tbh l mean there were no uses or so a purpose in our even meeting, only to end so yeah, l've wondered for yrs. The few things l mentioned were just a small tip of it, it just doesn't make sense for something like it to all be for nothing. l do think we were meant to hang in there, meant to over come. Well it was me actually , she would've. And l don't say those things in any disrespect to where l am now, it is a different thing but very special too just in it's own way. lt's looking very unlikely anyway now though and just leaving me with even more questions.

Hiya sleepy , hope your doing ok. Yeah seen that one tbh though our thing had so many just plain eerie edges to it it'd probably fit some more like almost supernatural movie thing or something , don't know. But that was a great movie wasn't it.

All the best . rx

Hello RX, Jt, Sleepy and anyone else who wants to post and like what you have all said.

Remember if we want to get back with an ex, we've been talking about what we probably need to do but haven't said what the ex also has to consider, they need to realise that if they want to get back together, they also need to change, because if they don't, then the relationship coming back together isn't going to work.

Any existing problems can certainly be mentioned, but you need to look at it in a different way, so rather than pointing this out as a real problem and you need to change, it needs one of you, or both, to have a giggle about it, simply because times have changed and you have learnt a great deal more since you have broken up, in other words, the situation is different and can't be compared to how it was years ago.

We are always trying to work on ourselves and this is the most important part of our life, but this doesn't mean that our character will suit everyone, it only gives us strength.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff .

And yeah l can see what you mean it's pretty easy turning a blind eye l suppose or hoping they just realize too isn't it. Admitting anything def' wasn't one of my ex's strong points but she did make some big changes and l tried to myself. l realized later though l messed up the most important one , sticking around and riding it out.

Anyway , l've still been thinking about that letter, written it a couple of times trying to get it right but didn't send it in the end. Tbh , l just don't think l can feel her atm either anyway. Whether that returns l can't tell but many huge things could've changed for her with Covid and all or maybe she's even met someone l can't know. But right now though it's just not feeling right dragging things up again so l decided to leave it , at least for now.

Best to all.

rx

Hello RX, unfortunately, or may be fortunately we don't know what our ex is up to, and she might not even want to tell you what's going on, that's a decision she wants to keep close to her heart so that any communication between the two of you isn't damaged, and the same applies to us not telling them everything for the same reason.

So do we want to reconnect with our ex, just to be friends or do we want to know what she has been doing, just for curiosity sake, this will eventually develop over time when you have the confidence back between the two of you, and will only be said once you begin to gain the trust from her, because this still applies to friends talking to each other and just when you are in a relationship.

Although it is a different type of trust when two people are together, you have to trust yourself and being able to do this then forms the love of a person.

My best.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff and thanks very much as always.

But nah , as l said earlier l don't think l'd even expect a reply that's not what writing was about , or finding out what she's up to. The covid situation especially in this country will mean there'd be no visiting anyway even if we did reconnect , for a bloody long time right now. She's OS again. The way l meant that was in that whether she'd even care less these days , whether l'm still in her thoughts, whether the letter would even mean a thing anymore. But nope it wasn't about us reconnecting or even talking again.

But hey , l would love to know what she's up to none the less. Then again maybe not her parents are in ltaly and l've hoped a 100 times they survived Covid there, really l hate to think what she may've been through since we last spoke.

rx

Hello RX, that's a lovely thought and you never know she might surprise you and reply back, wondering exactly the same.

Take care.

Geoff.

Tbh , l've begun tossing and turning about whether to even send it now or just drop the whole idea.

lt feels so long since we've spoken and even the whole world has changed along the way during that .

lt was my fault we ended bc l ended it , when l later realized what she really needed was me to ride out that patch and to not abandon us, and to still be there in the morning.

lt still haunts me that l did that , but tbh , she could have a whole new life or world or love for all l really know by now,,,,and rode me off anyway long ago. In that case l'd feel pretty stupid even sending it and dragging things up again . Or even worse she could've been through hell over there with Covid and her family and the last thing she'd need right now is me reappearing.

rx

Hello RX, from what you have just said, I'll be leaving it alone, the world is funny and one day you might get a chance to meet her again, but now might not be the appropriate time, and the longer you think about it, the longer you won't find peace.

Yes there are words we'd love to say to our past partners, but they have probably moved on and don't really want to be reminded of the past, and it might have taken them months to get over what happened and if you contact her again then there is the chance of her regressing, the opposite to what you had expected.

Sorry mate.

Geoff.

Heya RX,

I do agree with Geoff that, it's probably better to leave it. I recalled you mentioning that she blocked/unblocked you a few times. It could be that, she hasn't completely healed from the break up, and is restraining herself from contacting you. The "No Contact" policy will help her with the healing process, and who knows a message from you to her might have a negative effect on her healing. It's as you said too, she's got her own problems to deal with, and she doesn't have the capacity to process your message to her.

I feel you're a great person RX, you've done your best in your previous relationship. There's no telling whether riding out that patch and not abandoning the relationship would've been better. But you've really given it all you've got. I hope you can find forgiveness within yourself, and let go of her and the past. I feel you're a person who takes responsibility when you've done wrong. It's great of you to be able to do that. But there are somethings we cannot fix, or if we try fixing it, it might end up breaking it even more... I'm sorry Rx.

Jt

Ahh , don't worry jt not all that great. There'd might also be a chance she might wanna talk and given my situation now , l wouldn't mind myself either.

But yeah l have no idea of her situation now , she might be just fine for all l know , it's just that things could've also have happened too , don't know.

Hi Geoff and thanks for the thoughts. You guys are probably right no idea tbh but l would much prefer talking about it if she was to pop up again of her own accord for sure. But then l was the one that ended it so she probably won't.

Anyway thanks for much for the thoughts guys , very appreciated.

rx.

ps , how's your situation going jt ?

Hello RX, and I agree with Jt, especially as you were the one to end this relationship, she may have feelings of she can't be bothered talking with you and that she has more to worry about.

To contact her might be your way of saying sorry, but the bolt may have already run and she just wants to move on, sorry RX.

Geoff.

Heya RX, Geoff

Thank you for asking. It's funny when you mentioned that my emotions are almost at peace, I was hit by grief twice during the week. At first I tried to fight it off, telling myself to just keep moving on and there's no need for these feelings because I cannot resolve it if we're not in contact with each other. But alas the tears flowed out and I just let myself feel the sadness. The sadness that comes from missing her, missing that time together with her and all her wonderful features.

I'm feeling much better now. I know there's a part of me that still wish we could be together. But there's nothing I can do about it if she doesn't want me to be a part of the battle that she's currently in (her current depression episode, some family issues, and this break up). I can only stay on the sidelines, cheering for her silently and hoping for the best. I feel she's called out for needing some space to herself (even though she used the word "we" instead of herself). So similarly to you, I'll try my best to keep moving on. If she reaches out at her own accord, I'll be sure to be ready to talk to her once more.

Cheers

Jt

Hi Geoff and thanks for the thoughts.

Yeah it may well have bolted , l know l haven't been feeling her lately for awhile now . That might sound weird but our whole thing was weird and we could usually feel each other and thinking the same stuff even when she wasn't in the country, happened all the time. Can't lately though which means for atm anyway yeah , she's not thinking about me. l felt it writing the letter to that's why it felt too late or just not right now , or something.

Thanks jt and yeah it's an emotional roller coaster for you, peace at times , to terms , and what you've been feeling this last wk too , unfortunately they'll bounce all over. So hard to want to be there , support n comfort , love, when she feels like this. l hope she goes the circle for you two and misses it again too later when she's worked through things more. lt's not a nice place to be in for you that's for sure. When you start feeling up to it don't forget about you though , and your life from here too. Not easy l know but myself l'm trying to be open to both , whichever way things may go from here. Maybe the old maybe the new .

Take care eh.

rx

Hello Jt and RX, I feel so sorry because being apart doesn't stop any feelings you have for another person and as much as you really would love to tell them, even in a platonic way as you're not sure what type of reaction you might receive, and that's what makes it so much more difficult because deep down you just want to say hi.

It's even more disappointing if you reach out but don't get any response, then your mind wanders, are they deliberately avoiding me or is it just because they have other commitments, but negative thoughts start dominating and then affect you in all possible ways.

When we're not with someone we have feelings for or actually love them because you so much enjoyed all of their funny idiosyncrasies, it makes your position difficult to understand.

It still doesn't stop the possibility of contact, in one way or another between the two of you, life works in ways we never would anticipate.

We always believe that they're not thinking about you, but you might be more pleasantly surprised than you believe.

My ex was making funny little noises like she always did last night on the phone, and it certainly reminded me of past days, and yes, wishing we were back together, because there is much going on in our immediate family at the moment that we could do without, so even if you're in contact the same problem could still perpetuate.

Wish you the best.

Geoff.

Thanks for the words Geoff , as always very appreciated.

No doubt ex would be thinking about me/us at least here and there but probably pushing it way as well. Or as l was saying she could well have had a far far worser time through this covid stuff than any of us so if that has been the case then of course well, there would've been hug far more important and now things she'd been dealing with. At any rate , l think l'm through to the other side with the whole ex thing this last few days for many reasons but mainly for my partner now and our situation. What am l even doing worrying about a letter to an ex at this stage , with everything going on for us lately and now , and with the incredible person l'm involved with now. Ok bc of my gf's situation we aren't even sure if we'll be able to continue anyway right now , but never the less, wth would l even be bothering with letters to ex's at a time like this.

Think l've finally came back to my senses .

Anyway , l'm so pleased you've had some contact with your ex Geoff if you enjoy it. Funny isn't it the things they still do or the funny things we remember , or some little thing that use to mean so much to us. And yeah of course , family things would be sooooo much easier , not magically fixed or anything l know , but still so much easier natural and so much more the way that it should've just been , being together. l'm sorry my friend but l really hope this contact of late is at least helping a little too and that you enjoy it.

All the best.

rx

Hello RX, thank you once again, one thing for sure is that when we are with a new partner, how many times do we compare the situation with them to how our ex would have responded or even when we are doing something with our new partner that we also did with our ex, don't we weigh up the situation who was best at doing it.

This is what keeps us tired together with our ex as they might have been better at accomplishing this task.

My best.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff.

Yeah , unfortunately we know we can't do that, they're two completely different people , and we shouldn't do it, sometimes it is hard not to though.

But even if it does creep in at times, gf now would win by a mile anyway . Ex wasn't actually a very good partner, weird. She wasn't that supportive things were often just more about her , she was often very narrow minded and non approving of this or that if you did tell her things, she was egg shell'ish. Tbh , the way gf cares and loves , her attitudes and views , her open mind , her amazing support , so many things and ways she has, that she's a 10x better person and partner anyway. But ex had other things , it's crazy the way these things work isn't it. Really though , feelings aside , no man in his right man would choose ex over gf now.

Admittedly though , gf did through no one's fault, just come a long a little too soon though , it was just too big to walk away from though, but l hadn't had time to process and work through ex feelings and closure nonetheless.

Doesn't help either atm though with gf things and our future now being so up in the air , admittedly my minds been every which way all over the place.

rx

Hi Geoff, Rx,

Thank you for your kind responses. I certainly won't forget about myself. I'm continuing to discover myself more, doing things that makes me happy, improving myself, and processing any last bits of feelings about my break up. It's like telling myself "Hey, going to be single for awhile, take the time to better yourself, perhaps someone better may show up in your life? Or a better version of your ex?" Trying to keep my options open to any possibilities. I sometimes wish my ex hadn't ended our relationship with "It's not you, it's me. You deserve better, I'm a mess" kind of reason, and pairing it with depression and anxiety being the reason for her to feel that way. But whatever the reason may be, whether it's depression and anxiety, or something else that she does not wish to reveal, I'll just keep going on.

Rx, really glad to hear that you're almost through to the other side about your ex. You're doing great, even though you felt that you may have jump into your current gf too soon. You two still managed to make it thru to this point. I hope things work out for the two of you.

Geoff, that's a funny story to hear, and a cute one too. How a simple cute habit from your ex can prompt many wonderful memories to come back to you two. I'm sorry to hear about the problems that you're both having with your immediate family though. Hope things will turn out alright for the two of you as well.

Jt

Hi jt

That's the spirit yeah , try to go on with things and things that make you happy, good things come to us. lt's not easy l know and l don't believe it should be forced it takes time but life's an amazing thing like that and we just never know what's gonna be around the next corner. l'm sorry though your still unsure as to truly exactly why she wanted this , it might come to light yet never know. My letter idea was a kind of closure thing for me too , and maybe an opening to talk about it if she chose to, l really don't know understand all of it tbh but anyway. lt's seeming more an more like a pointless idea though.

Thanks for the hopes to very appreciated. Right now it's anyone's guess especially with all the new lockdowns as she can't even get back from Sydney anyway now even if she wants to for who knows how long. We see.

rx