Topic: Feeling lost and in love, tell us your reasons.

Hello Jt and RX, I know that sometimes all we want is closure and that means being able to contact an ex and that you have actually meant something to them, however, this may not be possible and suppresses any love or affection that you once had for this person, but they may not want to be reminded, all they want is to move on, that's when it hurts so much because when you were together there wouldn't have been any thought of this happening.

Young relationships, and by this I mean ones that haven't been going on for a long time, where the two of you are deeply in love are open to susceptibility, only because love dominates, so you don't actually know how the other person lives as you live apart, is heartbreaking when an argument begins after all this time where only love has been shown between the two of you.

On occasion, one person may not be able to give you a reason why you broke up with each other and are unable to explain a reason, but just know that there is something that won't work out between the two of you, deep down they may be sorry but this is overshadowed by being unable to provide you with a reason, so all they want to do is have no contact, sad I know, especially when all you want is to be able to make up and show them that you do love them.

There is no quick or immediate answer and often leaves you wondering, why, but it doesn't stop you from learning and being more precautious and not necessarily having to blame yourself, because this may not be your fault.

I often apologise to my ex because I knew why we were divorced was my fault, but when you're depressed you don't know any better at that time.

My best thoughts.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff.

Yeah with the letter l wrote , about 20 times, you know to say what l wanted to say , meant to delve into other things- and drag them up too as you say.

That type of thing was the biggest thing that changed my mind about sending it. When l'd envision in my mind what l wanted to say it was only a few paragraphs but writing it out took 2 and 3 pages , there just wasn't a shorter way around it. So yeah having to talk about too much to say what l wanted to, just felt as exactly as you described . Funny , when we were together she'd love that , the more the merrier , but she's not gonna want to be reminded of it all now though at this stage.

Tried to cut it back to just a paragraph or two summing an apology up but without the rest that wouldn't have explained anything soooo .

All the best

rx

Hello RX, what you might want to say to your ex, might not be what she was hoping for, so it still remains a mystery on what you should say, and although you believe that's what she wants to hear when you write a note, her thoughts might be elsewhere.

I know that my ex was my greatest lover, without any doubt, and have told her a while ago that there's something I want to tell you, but we have to be together to do so, I wouldn't tell her by email or even over the phone, it has to be when we can see each other's face.

My best thoughts.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff.

Do you think you will talk to your ex one day then or ? Such a sad situation for you both with her being obligated in the thing she's in now. So many people rush out after a divorce and find somebody else but from what l see , if many of them just stayed single awhile they might've reconciled the marriage later on if only they were available. l really hope you get to have that talk sometime my friend anyway .

l'd love it to be in person too actually, that's why l chose a letter on paper it's the next most personal way , no emails or text rubbish, something she can feel and hold done from my own hand is at least far better than those others. Tbh , as l was saying earlier, we had soooo many things , very weird and beautiful things , l do think we were meant to ride it out and make it work. Even though at times she wasn't a very good partner in the real partner sense, being a world a part 70% of the time was so filled with frustrations coming out at times . l know so much of us got lost in all that. As you say real life and time together may've brought out that better side , l don't know.

Tbh , l don't know what she'd like to hear , she might not wanna hear anything, or she might still be wondering like me. Or she might be reinvolved with someone new now , and even more mind blowing than we were for all l know and l'm the last thing in her mind. Or or or , no idea , this is he first time l can't feel her. Although sometimes l think l do feel her again in spats so that probably means she isn't involved and l am still in her mind.

At any rate , of course l know some things she would like to hear none the less , and l'd like to say those too. But no idea if my apology and things l'd wanna say are part of those.

Do you think your love would like and need to hear what you'd like to say ?

rx

Hello RX, I completely agree, if my ex didn't rush out and hook up with someone, who now she has to look after, and as she says, is really a handful, then, perhaps the situation could have changed.

After what you have said, we often talk about the good times together and have a laugh about the occasion, I know much has changed and possibly if the situation occurred, then who knows, but at the moment she has to look after this person, who will wander the streets if he can and she's not aware of.

Thanks my friend.

Geoff.

Heya Geoff, Rx,

I'll be rooting for you Geoff for the day that you can speak to your ex face to face. It's certainly sad to hear about your situation. Perhaps some time later, life may allow that to happen.

I'm curious to hear, how did you feel after writing your letter and not sending it out RX? I woke up this morning feeling a little unease from how my break up occurred. While driving to work, I thought about writing a letter as well. Except the letter will be discarded when I'm done with it. I wanted to write all the things I wish to say to her as of this moment, hopefully in doing so, it will help with accepting some left over thoughts and feelings in my mind to help me move on better. I know she's currently out of reach at the moment, so there's no point in sending this letter (even thru text), which is the same as just discarding the letter.

On the thought about hanging on and riding out, or rushing out. I felt perhaps it is how life is teaching us both to better ourselves. Since there's no such thing as a perfect couple, and relationships take effort, time, commitment, and confidence to work. I too wished that my ex and I could've ride it out and work things out together, but thinking back to it, I don't know how that may help with us identifying self-confidence to be one of the points that we both had to fix on ourselves. I guess, it's either a relationship will bring the best out of us, or a break up. heh...

Jt

Hi Geoff and thanks mate. But yeah sadly most def' , l've noticed a lot of it , it's really sad bc there could've been hope for a lot of marriages from what l've seen.

l really hope you get some time together sometime ,and you get to talk , l'm with jt.

Hi jt. l say write your letter , 20 letters if you want. Tell you it really helps you get a lot of perspective as your doing it , it really helped me. l may still even send it yet , still tossing that about. The main thing changed my mind was that l've just hardly been able to feel her for a good 6-8mths now , so l've thought it's too late . She may've moved on or just won't wanna know or hear from me now.

Strangest thing though , so l put it in the draw, a wk now but somethings changed again. l don't know if it's just in my head or real but l've been feeling just the last few days l should actually send it now. So, l've decided to give it a bit longer and if l keep feeling that then l probably will send it. l'll let you guys know.

Your right though people, partners bring all kinds of things to ea other and out in ea other and that can vary hugely with two different partners. ls that what you felt , you weren't bringing the best out in ea other or bad things ?

Allt eh best.

rx

Hello Jt and RX, I started to tell my ex by email, which I didn't want to do, but the timing seemed to be right, but unfortunately, I was distracted and told her 'I will continue'.

Write down what you want to say, and even if you don't send the letter, keep it somewhere because tomorrow you may have other thoughts different to what you've already written down.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff, Rx,

I certainly will. I don't have much thoughts today, but might take a Saturday or Sunday with a cuppa, and write them down. Much like how you're feeling about your ex at the moment Rx, perhaps as we slowly lose touch with them, our thoughts about them changes/subsides. I guess we're slowly learning to accept the loses and moving forward with what we have at the moment. Hopefully you get to continue your email too Geoff.

I definitely felt that, I wasn't bringing the best version of myself into the relationship. I played the "nice guy" role too much to the point it had overwhelmed her with doubts and abilities to love me. I had issues with insecurities myself, and sometimes agree to avoid conflict. If a relationship is without conflict or arguments of sorts, then we're not being honest to ourselves and our partners, because we're blocking ourselves from expressing our individuality and our own needs. I saw this experience as "It was our first time being in a relationship like this (we're both in our 30s too), and we were still really new to the whole concept of calling/being someone else's partner". We both have problems that really needs to be worked on.

That is why, even till today, I do not want to dismiss the possibility of us getting back together if our paths ever cross each other again. Even though she had hurt me this way, I felt it was a pity that things had to end like that. But if it hadn't ended this way, it's either we'll learn to identify problems that needs fixing through spending more time together, or we'll never identify the problems and live in a relationship that is dishonest to both ourselves and our partners, and with our insecurities.

Jt

hi geoff its so painful when ppl move on so quick. sorry for that pain.

I get attached and fall in love easily at times, I don't even notice it anymore.

I am missing someone who I felt attached to, and it was totally inappropriate of me to do so.

I've had crushes on ppl I meet in psych hospitals and things like that. Know it won't end well so i dont go down taht path. But the ache stays behind a little.

l'm sorry it got interrupted Geoff ,but maybe it's a good thing in the end seems you didn't really want to do it that way. Or new words or the right words come in the meantime, good luck my friend. With so many yrs behind you two it must be hard to know where to start.

All the best.

rx

Hello Jt, Sleepy and RX, I did continue with the email and it ended well and what I said was that years ago we both made decisions we thought were the right ones and can not be regarded as making immature choices because back then times were different, our circumstances were not the same as they are today, so we made them, in all honesty, believing they would benefit us, now today, we would make other arrangements because so much water has gone under the bridge.

Just like problems from years ago would dampen any inspiration, whereas today the same problem would let us make another decision, but at each stage, we thought we were doing everything right and what we think today might not have been accepted 10 years ago.

When you write a letter, just remember that time has passed, how you are today is not how you were years ago and any problems that broke up your relationship would have been handled differently today than when you were together, you learn to indulge in other pleasures and the way you are able to help people isn't necessarily the same as before, our depression of any type has, in fact, taught us a great deal in one way or another, whether it's good or whether it has made you another person to feel differently

If you receive any return email, text or phone call and what happened between the two of you, that was before and not how you are today.

My best thoughts.

Geoff.

Thanks for that Geoff and the very wise words.

Really pleased for you that you've managed to get down what you've been wanting to say .

lt is for sure a different time , so true , even a yr and things are a different time and we're different but of course in your situation it could be a whole nother world or life by now l know , for you both.

l've still been thinking about my letter . Have a lot going on though and stuff with my daughter also . So when thoughts have come letter wise l've just tossed them around and also with feelings about whatever ex's situation might be atm. Sometimes l feel like she might be open to the letter other times as if there'd just be too much water under the bridge now or that she's probably moved on anyway .

She wouldn't show up to me though even if she hasn't bc l broke it off .

Anyway , it's all still a work in progress mentally right now. l almost sent what l'd written a wk ago , but didn't in the end.

Hope you well anyway and di you actually finish your letter and give it to ex orrrrr, still in progress .

Take care.

rx

Hello RX, we aren't sure when we believe it's the right time to post a letter, when we think so, it may be an awful time for them, but we never know and vice-versa can easily happen.

If you think you are comfortable at the present time, then post it, you don't know how they are feeling and probably won't, but if you have found that strength then now is the time to post it, they will definitely read it out of curiosity and may or may not respond, but you've done what you have been stewing over, that's all you can do, you've done your part and the longer you wait, then your opportunity may have been lost.

Does it matter how they react, well it's something you have been wanting to do for a long time, so you have done your part, whether they appreciate what you've said is up to them, but this has managed to clear your mind.

Best thoughts.

Geoff.

Hello Geoff and All,

Like many people here in S.A. I have found myself not just in lock down but a mandatory 2 weeks isolation/quarantine.

My family have telephoned to make sure we are okay and one sister checks on me daily as I am sure she is concerned about my mental health. I am doing okay.

A fellow volunteer has offered to help out in any way if she can when the lock down ceases, another friend has offered to phone and chat.

My husband and I are doing what we can to care and support each other through this.

This situation offers a glimpse into human nature. Who cares. Who doesn't. Or is it a matter of other people having their own stuff to deal with? If I reached out would people help or do I just assume they won't? Our minds take s on so may journeys and down different thought paths. How do we know what is reality unless we test it?

To all who are in lock down or in isolation, my thoughts are with you. Cheers from Dools.

Hi Geoff.

Yeah that's true and your right too if she gets it she'll read it for sure, no way she could resist, whatever her situation.

Cheers my friend.

rx

Hello Everyone, in years to come this lockdown won't mean much at all, just as all those previous plagues have devastated our older generations, to them at that stage it must have been horrific with so many lives lost and rightly so, now the scientists are wiser and each year people will be encouraged to have this vaccine every year, just as the flu injection, unfortunately, there will some amongst us who want to construct, invent other viruses but cures will dominate these because a vaccine means money for companies to find a cure and I'm sure the lockdowns we are now having will change as we become wiser.

I remember the polio injection years ago has changed to swallowing an oral vaccine.

Keep safe.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff, RX, and everyone on this thread,

Seems like a lot of things have happened with Covid and lockdowns since the last reply in this thread. Hope you're all doing well and taking care of yourselves during this pandemic times.

I thought I'd reach out to the group to seek advise about something that's been looping in my head. To give a quick summary on my situation, about 5 months ago, my ex and I broke up. The reason for the break up was, my ex was suffering with mental health issues and initiated the break up because she felt she needed the space to deal with her own problems, and that the timing was not right. Though my insecurities is making me hard to believe that's the reason, I thought logically it's best if we split up and went separate ways and respect her decision. Initially she asked if we could remain friends, and I just agreed to that (in hoping that perhaps by remaining friends, she'd change her mind and be back with me again).

Over the first two months of the break up, I tried to be a supportive good friend; checking up on her, reminding her the good things about herself, asking if she wants to hang out so that she doesn't get cooked up at home too long. Conversations were okay at first, but towards the second month, it became really short answers, and sometimes replies can take days. One day I sent her a pix of the skies, letting her know that it reminded me of her, and just checking in on her. But she sent back a long message explaining she's still unwell and what has happened, as well as explaining how she doesn't want to be ungrateful and know I'm coming from a good place, and told me that I don't have to check up on her all the time. I felt perhaps she was right. I might just still be playing my "Mr Nice Guy" hat all that while. Perhaps we're both still not ready to be friends, or whatever I'm doing trying to check up on her is just hurting her more. So I agreed to respect her decision, and we've been in No-Contact ever since June.

Initially, we had tickets to a play that I said we can just go watch together as friends in October. But during the No-Contact period, I was able to process my emotions, and reflect back on the conversations we had during our break up, and times that I had during the relationship. To be honest, I feel there's still a lot to be processed, and my "Mr Nice Guy" trait is making it difficult to understand what is an acceptable behavior/thinking, and what is genuinely me.

(To be continued)

(continuing)

There's still a lot of emotions that needs to be processed. At times (even till today), I felt anger and frustration that this betrayal has happened, but I know this is not entirely her fault, rather it's the both of us. We're both at faults that we aren't able to bring our best selves to the relationship. I was being too nice, and being nice without boundaries is not a great thing. While I felt she did not have much confidence in the relationship, that made her decide to give it up just like that. I know mental health is very important, and if a break up is what she needs in order to get her mental health on track, I'll respect that. But I just feel so butt hurt about that... about how low she valued our relationship prior to the break up, and not wanting to work together through her hard times to make it work. But again, I understand if that is what she wants, I will respect it.

Anyways, about the tickets to the play. I've been pondering over the thought of "Should I go with it? Or just refund the ticket, give her back her money, and continue remaining No-Contact until she's ready to contact me again." Initially I thought I could be friends with her and just go watch the play. Reflecting back on the break up, at first I thought it was amicable, in actual fact I had hoped things would change, and we can be back together once she's through her depression episode. I felt with that kind of mentality, it's probably best I refund the ticket and let her know I can't be friends with her, but also mention that if she ever changes her mind, she can contact me and we can talk to work things out. I think I'm still in love with her, and with all the moments that we've shared together in the past, intimate moments as well, I just don't know how we can 'just be friends'...

So I guess, the advise I'm seeking is, is what I'm doing correct for myself? I feel somewhat guilty and cruel to not want to be friends with her, even though she's going through some really hard times at the moment with her mental health and family issues (which I know, she's got tons of support for already). But I'd just be lying to myself if I remained friends with her. I truly wish we could give the relationship another go, but I feel it's unhealthy of me to be holding on to that thought as well...

Thank you for listening

Jt

Hi JT, 

It sounds really tricky navigating the boundaries of what you can be to this person, given that you have had a recent break up, and that she is dealing with mental health challenges. We're sorry to hear about this. 

It sounds like you're being really proactive and thoughtful, and we hope that you're also taking care to look after yourself and your own wellbeing. As you acknowledge, it is really important to do what is right for yourself as well as for the other person. 

It sounds like you've been a really supportive friend, and that part of that has been giving this person space. However, this is a difficult thing to do when you have strong feelings for this person, and saw them as a big part of your life. You might find some useful information in the looking after yourself part of our site. There's a section on relationships when supporting someone through their experience with mental illness. 

Do also remember that whenever feeling distressed you can talk this through with one of our lovely counsellors on 1300 22 4636, or using our webchat or email. You could also call Relationships Australia to discuss this with them, on 1300 364 277.

We're really glad you could share here with our community, and we hope you find comfort and understanding in this community where others are going through similar challenges. Please know that our community are here to listen and offer their kind support to you during this difficult time, and will always appreciate your updates.   

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

Hi Sophie_M

Thank you so much for your response. I had a read on the materials that you've provided, and it has helped me settle some bottled up emotions that I have. Particularly, emotions of frustration and anger. I'm glad to know that these emotions are normal when supporting someone with a mental health issue, and it's a reminder to myself to not take it personally.

I recognise how difficult my situation is, and even though it has been a couple of months away from each other, I sometimes find myself back to square one where I'm struggling to accept what has happened. It's hard to find a balance between doing what's right for myself and the other person, especially after a break up.

Rest assure I'm taking care of myself, running helps clear my head, and I'm discovering some old hobbies that I used to be passionate about to keep my mind occupied and patient. But I'll definitely give the counsellors a call if I'm in distress and struggling.

I'll still go ahead and refund the ticket, and return her the money that she paid for hers. But I'll continue staying silent and patient until the day for a new relationship (whether as couples or just friends) emerges. The last thing I want to do, is to hurt her, and I've realized telling her that I "cannot be friends with her" might just worsen her mental health...

Jt

Hello Jt, I think refunding her ticket might be a good option, or you could just her the ticket and she can decide whether or not she is strong enough to go or maybe she can give the ticket to someone else but let her make that decision, rather than making it for her, by the time the concert comes, she might be feeling better.

If she gives her ticket away, then there's a chance she may not want to remain friends, at the moment or she still isn't well enough to dress up and carry on a conversation.

You don't have to tell her 'you don't want to be friends anymore', that will be obvious by making no contact at all with each other because the situation could easily change in the future.

I'm still friends with my ex after 25 years of marriage and don't forget you might find someone else you might want to take to the concert and then buy the ticket off your ex.

Look after yourself and try to keep strong.

Take care.

Geoff.

Jtjt

I want to thank you for your honest and touching posts.

Sophie and Geoff have given you he lpful suggestions.

I feel many people who read your posts but don’t reply, will be helped by knowing they are not alone.
I wonder if writing diwn your thoughts here as helped in any way .

Hi geoff, quirkywords,

Many thanks for your kind response and support. I'm currently checking with the Ticketing company to see if it can be refunded. Mainly because the ticket is only issued 72 hours prior to the event. I'm not sure if that will give her enough time to prepare herself. If the ticket cannot be refunded, I will wait for when the ticket is issued, and pass her the ticket to decide then.

I still follow her art on her social media, and her recent post indicated that she's still struggling (which prompted her to make art out of that struggle to calm herself down). It breaks my heart to know that she's still suffering, and that I was being an idiot to even think about hurting her more by saying "we can't be friends". You are right geoff that by going No-Contact is essentially our "cannot be friends" moment, and that things could easily change in the future. I have to learn to be patient and just keep moving on by myself.

Writing down my thoughts here has certainly helped a lot quirkywords. I struggle to express what's actually in my head. But I'm learning to be vulnerable and open so that I can express my feelings and emotions more. Through some self-help books, I was able to correlate my behavior with the years of neglect, misunderstanding/miscommunication with friends and family. The neglect made me feel like my thoughts, feelings, emotions and opinions don't matter. I've tried opening up to my family a few times. But the mixed opinions and misunderstanding just led me to close up more. I don't resent any of them, and still love them all. It has made me realize I just need to communicate better and be brave enough to voice myself more.

Occasionally I would open up a bit to some of my online friends, they've helped a lot and made me feel more "understood" and "belonged". I also appreciate everyone in the BB Forums who have taken their time to read what I've written here, seeing things from a non-judgmental view and provide support and encouragement.

Jt

Hello Jt, we're behind you all the way.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff and all.

l finished that letter to ex Geoff , even bought the envelope , just can't for the life of me decide whether to send it or to just let sleeping dogs lie.

How are things with your ex , had any opportunities to talk more ? Hope your traveling ok mate.

rx

Hello RX, thanks, if you have gone to all the trouble in writing the letter, then post it, then you will know whether or not she wants to respond to you, it's been eating at you, and you won't know until you send it, that curiosity won't be satisfied unless you post it.

Remember you are only doing this as a goodwill gesture.

Yes, all is good with my ex, I actually bought her a present which she loves.

Take care, my friend.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff.

Ahh mate that's really nice , l'm glad you did that , very special , and honest. And how nice that she loves it .

The letter , yep your right. God knows it took long enough to be happy and get what l wanted to say down in the way l wanted to say it. l'm as close as l'm gonna get with it now so yeah, may as well send it .

Thanks Geoff and take care yourself too eh.

rx

Heya rx,

Glad to hear you got your letter written down and ready to send. Hope you managed to send it out as well. I feel it might just be the peace of mind that you're looking for, and that life will be better for you once you send it out.

Jt

Hi jt .

Thanks for the thoughts very ,appreciated.

And your probably right . Nope l haven't sent it yet , tomorrow could be the day .

How are you coping and how are things going with the ex , any more contact or talks ?

rx