Welcome to the Healthy Families forums!

This is a space to ask questions, share experiences and support each other. Find a relevant thread or start your own!

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community and have a read of the community rules. Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

  • share on Facebook
  • share on Twitter
  • Print page
Forums Threads Posts Last reply
Welcome and orientation

Anxious about posting? Drop in here to say hi, we'd like to get to know you. In here you'll find lots of newbies, info about how the forums work, and you can give us suggestions on how to make things better around here.

4333 26303
by therising
20 minutes ago
Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers)

Space for sharing tips on supporting a partner, family member or friend with a mental health condition, and seeking support for your own wellbeing with other carers.

2350 15094
by quirkywords
15 hours ago
Relationship and family issues

Anything to do with managing relationships and family, including parenting, separation, loneliness, divorce, family, and friendships.

6013 44210
by geoff
8 hours ago
Anxiety

Space for discussion of generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), social anxiety, phobias, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, and eating disorders.

6216 43548
by Beaser
2 hours ago
Depression

Space for discussion of major depression, bipolar disorder, cyclothymic and dysthymic disorders, and BPD (borderline personality disorder).

5382 40283
by geoff
7 hours ago
Young people

Space for people aged 12-25 to discuss life and wellbeing issues. If you are aged over 25, please be mindful that this forum is a space for younger people to connect and provide peer support for each other.

3923 21064
by Mark Z.
13 hours ago
Grief and loss

Support following the bereavement of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

685 4434
by Eagle Ray
17 Jun

Topic: Feeling lost and in love, tell us your reasons.

  1. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16441 posts
    11 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX, a response may not happen straight away but we have our fingers crossed for you.

    Geoff.

  2. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    11 August 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks for that Geoff.

    But you know what , tbh l'm not even sure if l want a reply , a reply might open that door again between us and l'm not sure if that would be a good idea or not, that might be better left closed. On the other hand with a reply at least l;d know she'd got my letter and had read it and that l'd hopefully finally cleared things up after all this time.

    l said although it would be really nice to hear how she is but l don't really expect a reply and if she'd rather not that's ok.

    She might not wanna open that door again either tbh .

    rx

  3. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    352 posts
    11 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi rx,

    Thank you for the thoughts as well. Unfortunately we have not been in contact since her last message around mid June. I still follow her art Instagram, and every time I see her post a new artwork, it's a sign that she's still kicking. Basing on her last post though, I can feel she's still struggling with her own mental health. So I'll continue to respect her call for space, and hope she'll feel better soon. I'm finding this "space" thing very helpful for healing, and personally would like to continue for my own benefit as well. We have tickets to a play which we decided to go watch as friends in Oct, but I'm in the process of getting it refunded so we can continue having our own space to heal.

    For myself, I think I'm over the grieving period. I've been occupied with trying to improve myself. I have some underlying issues that needs working on. It's rough, but I'll remember to reach out to as much support as I can to work through the problem.

    Jt

  4. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    11 August 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Well that's great then you sound well underway.

    lronically , would you believe l have what equates to almost the exact same situation as yours , myself.

    l don't think l've talked about my present situation here l mainly wanted to figure out the letter thing. But that was to ex and in the past tense. But l've been seeing someone new nearly 3 yrs now, whole nother story. Well she also has serious depression and huge anxiety like your gf , hers is due to a lot of very serious legal things she's had going on 2yrs now . Well we've also been very touch and go the last 6mths now as she's been back up home and things for her there have just gotten worse and worse and worse. So sadly her MH and depression has also gotten so bad that she just hasn't been coping with us as well , it's all just been too much.

    Like you l've been trying my best to support her in any way l can and some people over on my thread have been helping with some advice too butttt. Unfortunately like your gf now , as she's gotten worse she's just needing more and more time to herself and so a few wks back we've also pretty well broken up too sadly.

    As l say l don't think l talked about us much here as l have my own thread but as l've been reading your story and your gf's situation it's been pretty ironic at how alike they've sounded.

    Tbh , l don't hold much hope in us getting back together either now bc for one , her situation won't be improving anytime soon it could easily go on another yr even 18mths yet and so neither will her MH be either. We haven't been in contact since which is really starting to bite.

    l dunno , on one hand l know depression bc l have to deal with it myself and how it can effect us. But on the other l really just don't understand how she can be saying how much she loves me yet wanting to separate at the same time.

    rx

  5. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16441 posts
    12 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX and Jt, you can't base your decision on what you think she wants to hear and how you think she's going to react because all of this is coming from what you hope will happen.

    We all keep 'grasping at straws' meaning it's an attempt to overcome a difficult situation when we aren't sure what we decide is going to work.

    It's possible for someone to love you but wants to be alone, maybe because they haven't been able to disclose everything that's been going on or they are stuck in a situation that continues with no end in sight, and if you managed to be together, then the love between the two of you could vanish.

    Sometimes a letter won't solve the situation and only make things worse, that's a gamble you have to decide on whether or not you want to go down that avenue.

    My Best thoughts.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    12 August 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi geoff , and thanks for the thoughts.

    Unfortunately a letter with gf nah , can't solve anything now. l've been in her corner all yr and know everything going on but sadly watched her decline , still trying to be there and support in anyway l can, hasn't helped though unfortunately.

    She's just resigned to doom and gloom lately though , more and more, and lost all drive, she's in a terrible place.

    Maybe it is lucky then that we haven't been together through it this yr and she's been stuck up in Sydney , not sure. Because she does still have the love she tells me all the time , but just not the fire left to be in us right now , or anytime soon from here.

    rx

  7. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    352 posts
    12 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Heya Rx,

    Thank you for sharing your present situation here. It certainly seems similar to what I've been thru, and I'm sorry to hear that you went thru the same thing as I did too. It's certainly confusing when someone says they love us, but cannot be with us. Our mind is very powerful for coming up all sorts of ideas and meanings to a specific experience, and it can be hard to navigate through all them and settle on what we feel is right for us to move on.

    Going back to what geoff said, it is possible that they haven't been able to disclose everything that's been going on. It maybe due to a lot of factors that's causing them to be this way. For example, they could have a trauma from their upbringing in the past, that has led them to be this way and unable to resolve their problems with the kind of mentality that they have about themselves right now. By becoming overwhelmed by their own personal issues, they do not have the time or energy left to have you in their life, even though deep down in their hearts, they desperately want to be with you.

    No matter how much we want to help them with their own personal issues, I've found that it is impossible if they don't want you to be part of it. It's like, they've organized themselves a party of doom and gloom, and the only person on the guest list is strictly them only. If we barge into their party unannounced, they will become very upset/hurt/embarrassed that you have to see this, and will reject you. But by rejecting you, they will feel regrets and guilt, and it will only severe any chances of reuniting between the two of you in the future (whether as friends, or a new relationship).

    That said, it doesn't mean we have to abandon them completely. Deep down they want what's best for us, and their MH issue is telling them that they themselves cannot give you their best that you deserve. The best way to help them, is just to silently be there for them until they're ready to bring you back into their life. But knowing our self-worth (something I've recently learned to understand), and how short our lives are. I don't feel it's right for us to reserve ourselves for them forever. So while waiting for them to return, we have to be open minded, and not pass up on a potential opportunity with another person.

    Happy to chat with you more rx. Given that we're both going thru similar situations, I feel we can both support each other with our findings and discoveries :).

    Jt

    2 people found this helpful
  8. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    12 August 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Thanks for that jt , very appreciated thoughts.

    And l must admit yeah if your not past it and sick to death of it all by now, it would be nice to talk more about things especially with somebody else that's actually been through much the same scenario.

    Def possible she hasn't told me everything but at the same time l'd be pretty surprised bc we've always talked a lot and very openly. As l was saying with her it wasn't just about depression. but that that had built from her situation and legal matters. 12 mths ago she was positive and all about our future, happy and very fit. but she's also had some women's health issues come along as well , just to ice the cake of what she's already dealing with now.

    As for trauma nah nothing earlier but she has had a very very hard past 10 or 15 yrs or so , including living in 3 different countries. But as l say she was doing really well with us but unfortunately her troubles have just gotten to where they've been at now this yr and well.

    Yep l've found it's impossible too , so hard to comprehend. And yet my support and being in her corner hasn't just been only that . It's been practical stuff that would transform her situation. Like why not just come back down to my place , she's wanted us living together 21/2 yrs , But now , it would just turn her situation completely on it's head and instead she could be back down here living as a couple, secure and all the benefits and goodies that come with being a couple again. yet instead she's in a terrible situation housing wise up there, she's also alone and with none of those whatsoever. Her court cases could be another 18mths, yet she wants to stay up there and live like that. lt's just bizarre- especially when she's been pushing for us to live together and move in full tme 21/2 yrs . And it'd really help her court cases too.

    It's just mind boggling, especially if you love someone.

    Although , what your saying in your last bits there in her mind is also a big big part of that now too. She's worried we'll get re involved and if her court cases go against her she could be kicked out of the country , we'll both get hurt even more . She worried bc of her crap she's just holding me back , she's worried l'll be just in limbo maybe yrs waiting on her, she's worried she's in such a bad way now she's not even capable of being in a relationship anymore , you name it.

    rx

  9. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16441 posts
    13 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX and Jt, both great comments, the one problem with them behaving like this is that much is hidden away by them, you're not sure how they actually feel and everything is not disclosed, so if by any chance you live together, then you aren't sure what surprises may suddenly appear, which have been hidden away.

    If you genuinely wanted to be with another person, then you would hope that honestly would pursue.

    Take care, my friends.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  10. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    352 posts
    13 August 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff, RX,

    Yeap, Geoff is right. Part of living together is that, there will be conflicts and disagreements between couples, and it requires physical and mental strength from both couples to work together to deal with the conflicts. But they're already hiding away so many things, with a very complicated mix of feelings and emotions. Without the right coping mechanism to process them all, it just becomes a pressure cooker that's going to explode and end up hurting others around them.

    Similarly, the first year together with my ex was wonderful. We were doing so well together and I thought it was great. She even mentioned about her depression that she had 3 years ago, brief thoughts of suicide, and feeling like a burden to her family, they are very open conversations that I appreciate having with her to show me her vulnerable side. As time goes by, there were certain things that I felt uncomfortable with, except I couldn't bring it to the table (because I had some issues of my own, and not bringing my true self to the relationship). I think she may have sensed that, and her anxiety and depression used that to pull her further down to the abyss. She begins to feel "I'm not good enough for him, I can't deal with relationship problems with him, I'm a terrible person, I don't deserve the kindness and care from him, I'm a mess". If we mix that in with all her other problems, it puts a lot of mental stress on her, even if we really mean well for them, and would sacrifice ourselves for them (which... might be an unhealthy thing to do...).

    I brought up the word trauma because, I recently identified a childhood trauma that I thought was just normal for how parents should bring up their kids. But it was actually inhibiting and conditioning me to suppress my feelings and emotions; using fear as a tactic to push me to getting what my parents want me to do. I'm still going through my past and trying to associate my behaviors with anything I could find. But it made me realize, it is highly possible that my ex had similar trauma too (we both have asian parents).

    There's that saying "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, then they're yours. If they don't, then it was never meant to be" We let them go to deal with whatever it is they have to do, we move on, and we wish them all the best. We'll be ready to support and help them if they do return asking for help.

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  11. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    13 August 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Thx for the thoughts gents.

    Yeah l could see in some cases there'd be things hidden or even that they just can't understand themselves , or maybe feelings poss' just aren't quite right . Tbh jt l think your ex isn't being quite on mark about feelings.

    But as l've said l know all of gf's stuff, 99% sure of it and also separately her feelings too. She's explained plenty and even when we aren't together we'd usually chit chat all day through work and often 1/2 the night too. l'm far from blind or stupid and have a way above usual nose for things and l'll usually dig that thing out. She's great like that though, very open, loves communication , loves us leaning on ea other , being able to tell it how it is and our understandings , and l adore it all too it's one of the most important things for me, even if it's doubts or worries too , needs .

    She has explained her ideas of why this now l still just have trouble wrapping my head around it though tbh. Anyway just last night actually she sent me a long long message , it's been over a wk, just about why she feels she has to go this way. Was a beautiful message and we talked a bit later too.

    That's really helped and it's clear she hasn't hasn't given up on our future. She just feels she should stay there on hand for legals and layers mainly and keep mind right to deal with them. She's also shyt scared if she was down here the cases come up or legals need her but she;ll be locked out with more lock downs , which is exactly what would've happened with her sons new baby 3wks ago and why she wouldn't come down during the last 3mths before that. And low and behold, they did just that and locked down.

    She also had really bad runs with lawyer video appointments so she wants to make sure they're in person well, out of lock downs anyway.

    Lots of other things and also her anxiety, depression and stress being why she just doesn't feel she could cope with us right now. She sounded so clear and able to explain which just had just come at a time it had so she wanted to clear it up.

    lt was also just beautiful to hear her talk about our future again and coming back down when it's all over, she's just been too scared to think about it. Anyway it was so nice to catch her with her thoughts straight. Her main fear about us and her staying up Sydney waiting it out though is that no one knows when it will be , or the out come , so she doesn't want me on hold, could be 18mths or us hurt if it's not a good outcome.

    rx

  12. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    352 posts
    13 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi RX,

    I suppose so, it's really hard to know the truth behind it all without being able to connect with her. Plus I had my own issues as well, and wasn't being my best for her during the last moments of our relationship. At this stage, as sad as it sounds. I don't have any hopes of us reconnecting. I managed to get the refund to the play tickets that we initially agreed to go watch as friends together when we were wrapping up the relationship (returning stuffs and just settling any unpaid stuffs). Sent the refund money thru PayID back to her, and just deal with the sense of grief and sadness that came with it. I know people would say "Oh, you may never know when life would reconnect you both together". But I don't want to hold onto that hope, otherwise I'll struggle moving forward. At least... for now I guess. Either way, the ball is in her court now. It's up to her to decide whether she wants to reconnect or not.

    Anyways, wow. I'm really happy for you RX. Your ex got back to you last night with a long message to clear things up with you. And you also got to chat with her for a bit. It's really sweet that she still has you in her heart. Though I'm curious to know what will happen next for the two of you. Keep us updated on how it goes :).

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  13. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    13 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    PS

    lt was beautiful to see a gimps of her old self again though and to hear some of the things she wanted to get out.

    Mind you though , unfortunately it can't change the situation though and sadly things are still where they're at until her cases are done. So under the circumstances l don't think it's too wise putting myself and life on hold in wait . it could even be up to 2 yrs away and things change , people change , and things happen.

    But l have felt so much better none the less and although l can't say as l agree with her decision , she might be right actually.

    rx

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  14. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    14 August 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi jt and thanks for the thoughts as always.

    ln your case yeah look l might be wrong but l just get the impression of not only of what she's going through within herself , and maybe that's why too, but that she's not sure how she's feeling about you guys either. l may be wrong though an l well know how hard these things are to translate into a post to strangers and get it all across in the right ways.

    But mate , who cares about a bit of ticket money , l'd have just sent it back from my pocket but l suppose if you didn';t wanna go alone or take a friend, may as well get the refund l guess.

    Yeah they say that , l've said it myself , but it's in the kindest of gestures too and you do never know either though anyway right.Strange things can happen.

    Anyway yeah, living for our future from here is all we can do really no choice anyway unfortunately. For me out talk can't change that l suppose but l do feel so much better in the understanding now none the less.

    Tbh , she's worked 15yrs for this , and she'll lose it all if things don;t go right, of course she wants to focus on it and do every possible thing she can. l don't know how l could've over looked it all and been so selfish as to be so worried about us and me.

    But alas , still on the same boat as yourself though at the end of the day nonetheless and so much could change if l can;t be by her side through it all and separated in this way. l can't just wait blindly under the circumstances and life will have to go on for me too l;m afraid. l have some big stuff going on this yr renovating selling moving maybe even rebuilding next yr , who knows what the future holds.

    rx

  15. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    352 posts
    14 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Heya Rx,

    Thank you so much for your thoughts. I really appreciate your perspective on my situation, and yeah, perhaps she isn't sure about us being in a relationship together as well. Something that I've buried deep within me unconsciously, most probably because it brings out the sadness that it just wasn't meant to be for us. I didn't want to go alone, nor take a friend because I feel just going to the show itself would trigger all sorts of grief within me. Even just getting a confirmation email from the ticket support group about my refund, was making me feel sad.

    It really hit me when you mentioned that "it's in the kindest of gestures". I had some sense of anger and frustration as I was writing that sentence out about not wanting to hold on to that hope of our paths crossing again. It's something difficult to process, and even though I tell myself to just forgive and move on, it sometimes comes back to bug me again... I feel there may still be some lingering emotions from the break up that I need time to uncover and accept...

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation again Rx. It's bitter sweet, and I'm glad that you're feeling much better with some more closure from your ex. We're certainly on the same boat; nothing we can do but to move on and live life. Coincidentally, I too have some big stuff going on, about to sign a mortgage with a bank, and have a place of my own. Lots more to discover what life has to offer. Certainly on the same boat my friend :).

    Jt

  16. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16441 posts
    14 August 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hello Jt and RX, what's so good is that both of you are talking about your emotions, rather than bottle it all up.

    If I could extrapolate on 'if you love someone set them free', well yes, but more so, if you allow them to go on a holiday with other people, or if you can accept them to be away for a period because of certain circumstances that may have arisen, they will return if they love you, likewise you will want hem back if you also love them.

    If however you only care for them, then this may not happen, although you might be worried about how they are going, and people say 'no news is good news', I don't necessarily agree with that, simply because something awful may have happened to them and are unable to notify you.

    My best

    Geoff.

  17. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    14 August 2021 in reply to geoff

    Yeah of course jt , so said when you were meant to be going to the concert together , you won't wanna even bother now. Sad too l know but nice to be able to send the money and it being a small reminder of you. They tell themselves all kinds of crap subconsciously going through this , even that beautiful things with you guys weren't so much , all kinds of stuff, noticed it a lot with my gf, And lt could even just be in those ways with yours atm moment too. On one hand mine is trying so hard to keep it together for her cases and circumstances , but on the other she's fighting off the depression and anxiety , and love to l hope , so they subconsciously need to hear from themselves whatever will help get them through , yaknow.

    Fantastic about your new place , l know it;ll be bitter sweet now to though , but hopefully as you adjust to all this , some excitement creeps in and over powers the bads.We were suppose to be doing all my stuff , our stuff, she even stuck pictures of nice houses all over the walls for inspiration . lt's one thing to just real it all off in a sentence here but tbh , like your sitch l'll really be really needing something to kick in and fire me up , bc l don';t even feel like dealing with any of it now.

    Bitter sweat is surely right huh . Yaknow what , there's someone here , white knight, Tony. He went through all this 10 yrs ago , he's stories around somewhere. So he said ok , he wants to buy a bush block and build he's own house, and so he did . From there things happened, life, he's remarried and has a whole new life now. l love he's story and it also just happens tp be what l wanna do myself too now if l sell this place . And you've got yours coming up too , and who knows from there right. Maybe gf reappears , maybe yours gets herself through to the other side, or new maybes , or who knows right.

    Hi geoff and thanks as always.

    Never know l suppose yeah , could be testing out that saying. l'd be pretty sure l'll hear from her especially if her cases work out. But that could be wishful thinking too bc it will probably be a long way off yet and life could happen meantime, sooo, who knows. l'll be worried and praying to if l was religious , that she's just ok too.

    rx

  18. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    352 posts
    16 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi rx, Geoff,

    Thank you as always for your kind and thoughtful comments. To add onto what Geoff said, yeah, if it becomes one sided (only one person cares, while the other doesn't), then it certainly becomes pointless. I still think about her from time to time, and so long as I see her artworks on social media, it helps keep me informed that she's doing okay. A part of me sometimes feel hurt when it isn't art related (like foods, books, scenery), but I'll slowly process that emotion and thought over time. Maybe I'll just block that functionality on my social media app so I won't see it...

    Rx, it's comforting to know that someone else has been thru what both you and I are aiming to work on for ourselves. Kinda exciting to think how things will turn out (whether better or worse) hahaha. For that, I hope for the strength and courage for the both of us to face whatever lies ahead.

    Jt

    2 people found this helpful
  19. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16441 posts
    17 August 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hello Jt, RX and everyone else, when my wife divorced me, I was shattered beyond belief but in hindsight didn't blame her, it was my depression and self medicating on alcohol, that caused the problem, at that stage, I wasn't aware and didn't care because this illness was way too strong, however, I rang her sometime later and asked if she needed anything done where she was living, which she appreciated and said yes, if I could do a,b,c, that would be a great help and I obliged.

    It was then devastating when she said she was going to live with somebody, she knew that would be something I didn't want to happen, but couldn't stop it, we were divorced, but over the last few years we have increased our communication as if nothing happened, and when the past may be brought up, I tell her that's gone and then start to discuss the present.

    We can't change what's happened, but know that others need to discuss it to sort out their relationship, but when or if this begins try and suggest talking about now or what's going to happen in the future.

    For example, I ate a takeaway hamburger yesterday, I wish I didn't but it's too late now ( actually I didn't) but have learned from my mistake.

    Keep well.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  20. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    17 August 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff .

    Just wondering first why do you wish you didn't eat the burger , didn't you enjoy it , or is it medical ? lt's just that l love savoring those simple things. it's amazing how happy the simplest of things can make us feel if we let them , and to me last few yrs l've realized how good for us and so an important a thing in life it is to enjoy those simple things. We lose sight of so much don't in the struggles of life , we forget to savor and enjoy.

    l probably made a big mistake then in that letter l sent to ex , bc a lot of it turned out being about our stuff. But l did try hard not to harp on and to speak my truths in a sort of light hearted manner , but l did also talk about just life and what's been happening too. When l rewrote it each time l did try to trim back any us issues talk more and more though. Problem was the main reason l wanted to write her was to apologize for more part in things , so l had to go into them a bit to do that.

    The now though yeah , it's a nice idea for sure and l can well see the positives and effects and needs to.

    Not to lighten the huge stuff you went through with your ex w, l try not to talk about mine, it was the worst time of my life by 10 fold and l'd rather just leave it there tbh. But all l can say is l do hear you.

    Take care and l'm so pleased you talk these days and there's been a kind of a circle for you both.

    rx

  21. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    17 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Speaking of that letter.

    l've felt pretty nervous last few days bc it's probably arrived by now. l can't remember which day and wk l sent it on but l looked up how long airmail will take and it was roughly 10 days to the door. So it would've arrived at least a few days ago now , maybe a wk ago , depends which wk l sent it from.

    l have absolutely no idea if she'll even still be at that address and so even get it in the first place , but if she does , what her reaction will be. She may even be reinvolved , it'd be mind boggling if such a stunning woman in so many ways isn't tbh,and so l'd say she probably is . Ans so the last thing she'd be even thinking about then these days is me and our crap l suppose , but then l've been reinvolved, yet l still was, so who knows.

    What her reaction will be though , is making me really nervous . l probably won't ever even know what it was though anyway bc l doubt l'll hear back anyway , which kind of make it worse really.

    rx

  22. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    352 posts
    17 August 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff, RX,

    I like the burger analogy Geoff, I do agree with rx that sometimes it's the simplest of things that brings us happiness that we deserve. Then whatever happens later from it, we'll learn to correct our mistake (maybe a burger once every two weeks, or less. Everything in moderation). I'm really glad to hear about how you managed to reconnect with your ex after all these times. And you're right, we can't change the past, the past can hurt us only if we let it, otherwise the past is the past.

    Yesterday I decided to just cut back on the use of that social media platform, in hoping that by avoiding her posts, I'll be able to process my emotions and thoughts about why I'm still feeling upset (probably still feeling hurt). I feel I should be happy for her to see that she's doing alright and is able to keep up with her art posts and other slice-of-life stuffs that she puts out. But I can't seem to do that right now. Think I just need more time to myself. I'm also not sure if this is normal from a break up (and probably a sign that I need more time to heal), but I keep feeling this sense of "Only she can mend the relationship, even if it's just friends. After all, I got discarded just like that, so I'll let her be the one to initiate the connection". Even though I know, we both had issues within ourselves (her depression and anxiety; my insecurities and Nice Guy problems) that had led to this outcome, that there's no right or wrong answer to the decision, and it's simply just not the right timing for the both of us. I'm still finding it difficult to be mutual about it.

    Rx - I'm glad to hear you were able to send out that mail. I can relate to that sense of nervousness that you described. It happened to me when I send my ex the ticket money back with a description apologizing on making this decision, and to take care. I wasn't sure how she'd react to it, and whether she'd say anything about it. But alas, nothing happened. It made me feel crap at first, thinking she doesn't care anymore. But I took a moment to think thru it, and told myself that whether it's her MH or she truly doesn't care anymore, it's her decision, and is has got nothing to do with me as a person. Unfortunately I can't apply that thinking to how I feel about our break up. Feels like it's far more complex, and needs more time to heal and process. Proud of ya for being able to muster the courage to send the mail though rx :).

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  23. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    17 August 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff , just wanted to apologize for blowing the hamburger analogy out of proportion to btw.Strong believer in enjoying the little things haha, especially during depression but the point also didn't escape though none the less.

    Hi Jt . Glad you returned the money anyway if it's something you needed to do.And man yeah for God sake do yourself a favor and stay away from her media , that stuff is just plain creepy at the best of times with whom can be flowing who but during a time like this for you , just nope , and her too l'd be thinking. Thankfully my ex didn;t do sm and neither do l or gf now either , l'd probably be having a peak haha, and regretting it .

    But yeah , you need more time , of course. All the blah blah splattered all over the net about working on yourself at times like this all sounds well and good , but it's just unnatural and going against the heart trying to be and do things , force things upon yourself when it's just simply too soon and what you really need to do is just be still and digest recover , until you don't anymore. Don't ask ridiculous demands of yourself , it'll only come back and bite you with the needed energy it's drained.lt's ok to be hurt or sad or still for as long as is needed.

    And thanks my friend for the letter thing , but l don't know. Speaking of learning from yesterdays mistake. l don't really regret it though although l am feel kinda sill for doing it now , maybe in her eyes , but if so then so be it. She's bound to take that kind of view in defensive mode for awhile it's so her , but l know once she's played that out she will absorb it and think about it. Mind you , that would be unless she's head over heals and in someone else's arms by now in which case they'll both be having a good old laugh on me but if so then so be.it.

    l think it'd be her MH jt , it takes time but she will think about it . Maybe even acknowledge it at some later stage when she knows how to.

    l heard from gf last wk , she wanted to explain better why she thinks this is the way right now , and l think she just wanted to talk right now for a bit too. l'm g;ad we talked and we did clear some very very big things up and her reasons are most definitely the right decision with what she is facing atm.There's really no other sensible way for her to go with it all , she's being very smart about it , l know that now.

    Mind you , l also kind of got the feeling that could be our last chat for a very long time to and maybe an out for her.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  24. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    17 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hey peeps

    I popped in to post my BF nightmares (actual dreams, not him being a nightmare lol) & read back here.

    Woah I'm so sorry that's all going on, also what ppl have gone through in the past. Darn. I could add myself there but... Group hugs everyone, come in here & share one.

    That situation when one person loves the other person who doesn't love them back = "unrequited love".

    Jt great idea, blocking SM.
    It's too hard to deal with.
    So hard trying to get over someone & "past" the r/ship when they're flashing in front of your face 24/7.
    Too much.

    I agree about the stuff "ppl say to do to get over someone" is all too hard if we're depressed.
    If we're angry it's GOOD! Better investing all that angry energy into something OTHER than shouting on SM or IRL in any way (except for on a mountain top / SINGING really loudly).
    I learnt all about "angry cleaning & gardening", & yes, rx sitting with the emotion is healthy also (as my Counsellor said "as long as it's not for too long & you do SELF-CARE at the end").

    Rx is that what you think is happening?
    GF seeing someone else?
    If so, I really feel for you. (I do anyway).
    That's a whole other ball game.
    Sorry rx :-(

    A nightmare about BF doing THE most revolting things & expecting me to get involved, in a vivid detail, woke me up this afternoon from a nap.

    Yes I'll tell him about it, many wouldn't, I know.
    But I do.

    We had a short talk about "commitment" & he feels far more strongly about what that means than even I do - & I'm strong about it.
    It was brought up because clearly I'm being vilified at work because a Colleague's H has been far too adoring over me for far too long. BF knows of him & others b4 doing same.
    Yes I've spoken to that H directly about it many times over.
    Now I deflect any attention. Talk to the HAND!
    It's embarrassing for my Colleague (AND ME!). Now she's axed me from specific programs at work & put mountains more work on me.
    Via Zoom recently her H popped in & said "Hello beautiful" to me. That was the clincher after days of it.

    Her H & I went to school together - over 50y ago. We're a CLOSE group since school.
    Awkward. I do everything right about that person. Grrr.
    She
    says they argue for DAYS after he says these things to me.

    Not my problem, except work impacts. So unfair.

    Our common friend saw it & told me.
    SHE SEES IT TOO. Crazy.

    I don't like it.
    I'm already in love, NOT with a married man! (grr)

    EMxxxx

  25. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    17 August 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hiya em.

    And nah , the letters wasn;t to gf , no way gf is seeing someone else so you can relax there but thx all the same.

    The letter was to my ex from back when, before l become involved with gf l'm with now so don't sweat it , all cool. It was just basically about an apology for something l'd done back then that l still feel riddled with guilt over to this day that's all. And nah , so it's actually her that could be seeing someone else by now as l am myself to is all l was saying , and so she might not even care about what happened back then anymore was really all l meant. l have no idea what she'd be doing these days actually, she could be married off for all l know, and that'd be ok l;d be kinda relieved she isn't going to waste if she is married of tbh.

    But ohhhhh, that is a tricky one your in , and on top of everything else your dealing with lately.

    You told bf about the nightmare , nah , don't think l'd wanna rethink it all myself or go into the gore.

    Look after em.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  26. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    352 posts
    18 August 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Heya Em,

    Glad to see you here, and really appreciate your kind words. I feel I've accepted my feeling of anger and frustration. I was trying to figure out why I'm angry about the break up yesterday evening. Even though I know the solution forward is to just let go and move on, but it has been on my mind for the past week, and it was something I couldn't just let go. But I came across a quote yesterday, "If you can choose to be right, or to be kind, choose kind". It had taught me that all these times, I was still being judgmental about it, even though logically no one was right or wrong, or rather... we were both wrong and that it was simply not the right time for the both of us. But I do have a judgmental nature in me, and it was still seeking out who was right and wrong in this situation. From that quote, it has taught me to be more self-aware of my judging nature, and to approach things with kindness that will benefit everyone instead of just myself. I like your idea of angry cleaning and gardening though, translate that energy to something productive :). I should try that out some day myself.

    Take care of yourself Em. I wonder if what your Colleague's H is doing to you, could be considered unprofessional and even sexual harassment in a working environment?

    Rx - It's really kind of you to be saying that you'd feel relieved if she is married. You want the best for her, and perhaps someone else was able to fulfill that for her. But even if she isn't married, perhaps her life is much happier being single and exploring the many wonders that life has to offer her. Kinda similar to what we're going through at the moment, going on with life flying solo and living every precious moment of it.

    Jt

  27. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    18 August 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi jt.

    Your just working through things it's perfectly natural to go through all those emotions especially with the way things happened.

    Personally, although l do have a bit of a temper, l haven't felt any anger toward her to speak of , the occasional spat that passes, and ends in empathy when l remember what she's going through.

    But anyway hell yeah when you feel like it try gardening, climbing trees washing the car surfing whatever takes your fancy, anything at all you might enjoy and get involved in. lt does help. l go canoeing myself . Or l go outside and do some work around the place, or l go drive somewhere just to get out. l strangely just don't feel like music right now which is a first.

    Take car.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  28. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3348 posts
    19 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Starting to regret sending that damn letter now and bringing it all up over an ex of nearly 4yrs ago,WTH was l thinking. l've got such huge stuff and stresses going on right now, and not to mention present gf issues as it's turned out.

    Well , ex was a very very special situation and l know why l sent it of course , but l am regretting it. Thing is , with everything else l've got going on, l've also now got this very very uneasy feeling that ex might pop up again on top of it bc she'll have the letter by now. lt could only be via messages, a letter or a call, in persons not possible so that won't happen butttt.

    Don't know if she will but the feeling that she could at any second in some form or other nonetheless is really really unsettling bc it will be very heavy if she does.Think l may've messed up opening that door.

    rx

  29. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16441 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello EM, it's so difficult if a married person 'takes a liking to you', it puts you in an awkward situation, do I play along with it or do I nip it in the bud, a confusing scenario, which you will ponder over at work, home or in your spare time.

    Hello RX, the hamburger was only made as a suggestion.

    When you write a letter to an ex, it's much different than actually being face to face with them because the conversation has to continue, either positively or feeling in doubt about what you should say next and hoping the same situation doesn't once again happen and they leave.

    The worry about when they get the letter and if they are going to reply is now out of your hands, but the anticipation of mail arriving and waiting for it to come may only disappoint you if nothing arrives, and when the phone rings or you receive a text you're desperately hoping it's them, but they are the person that's now in control and could be summing up whether or not to contact you and it may take them a day or so to decide.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  30. geoff
    Life Member
    • Awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16441 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hello Jt, when we break up with someone, we always wonder why they are still maintaining contact with other people on these social avenues, especially when you are suffering from losing them, why and how can they appear to be happy, doesn't this breakup mean anything to them because it certainly does for you, that's what is so annoying and understandably so.

    As much as you just want to see who they're talking to, and hoping that it's not the person you don't like, it's best for you not to look, even though the temptation is so strong just to have a peek, it's best not to.

    If they want to contact you, they will, you can't make them no matter how hard you try, simply because there may be an issue or two that can't be resolved.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up