Topic: Feeling lost and in love, tell us your reasons.

Hello RX, you would be pondering now and in 2 weeks time if you hadn't sent the letter, and suggestions were to send it, which you did, so there was a moment when you felt relieved, but as you haven't heard back from her, now the worry begins.

Don't forget she may be feeling that she was to blame as well but doesn't want to patch up the relationship and just move on, but you have done what you wanted to do, so now the ball is in her court.

It's a small world and two to one on there is a chance you may meet her again, and if so, whether or not you want to talk with her, but now the letter has been posted.

Good luck.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff , and thanks as always.

Yeah l know , but for some reason the thought of Geoff really enjoying a burger , was just a nice thought nonetheless haha.

On any replies tbh atm as l was saying , l've had a very big mth since l sent that letter and right now l'm not even sure l want a reply bc good or bad it will be very intense whichever way it is, and l've def' had enough of intense right now.

So yeah l'm feeling pretty edgy now knowing it might pop up , don't think l could handle it atm so if she doesn't right now, that'll be fine with me.

But yeah your right , in a letter form and in something like this situation you have no idea really unlike face to face it's a one sided conversation as such . So ln that sense l would kind of like to hear something back at least. But just not right now.

Thanks again

rx

Heya Geoff,

I can relate to what you're saying. Though from myself, I understand that whoever she chooses to communicate with, it's her choice and I have no business in it, and I'm fine with that. And you're right about the "How can you appear to be happy? Doesn't the break up mean anything to you?", I certainly did feel that whenever I saw her post non-art related things, and it contributed to my anger; Anger that came from feeling like how little she valued our relationship, and she could just easily move on like that.

I'm grateful for coming across that quote about "kindness". It reminded me of what she's currently going through at the moment (her MH Issue). Whether her dark feelings have subsided or is growing worse, this I will never know while being in No Contact. Whether she really valued our relationship that little, or she's still struggling to let go of me, I'll never know unless she says anything about it. It's something that only she can reveal, and I've learned to let go of it because it's out of my control.

But all I wish for her, is to feel better about herself, so she can continue enjoying life the way she wants to, whether it's with me again, or someone else. And yes, if they want to contact me, they will. Ball is in her court, and it's up to her on whether she chooses to play it or not.

Heya Rx

Just wanted to remind you, that you did well in sending that letter out. You've felt torn for weeks on whether to send it out or not, but you finally did. Proud of you my friend. Whether she'll reply to you, or ignore it, it is out of your control. But I'm sure when the time comes, you'll be able to handle it. Both our ex's have the ball in their court now, and while we wait for them to choose whether they want to play or not, let us continue on with life and enjoy/handle other things that are within our grasp. Occupy our time with things that will benefit us. All the best buddy.

Jt

Hi jt, and thanks very much .

Mate , you know , all the sm stuff , remember to that faking it on sm is very very common , things aren't always as they may seem , far from it. And in the state she's in she may even want to be appearing just all fine , pride, worried people will worry otherwise, pretense, all common stuff. Knowing her though you probably know which one it may be. But l wouldn't take too much notice of however and why ever it's all appearing in whichever way it might be right now, really . Better yet don't even go there.

The damn letter , yeahhhhh, very true, l did didn't l, and thank you to my friend. lt was a pretty good time at the time too but turns of events since you know , but ah well. Your right, it's done.

lf she does pop up it won't be straight away anyway , poss even a mth or two knowing her she'll need to mull it all over sooooo, it's done and l'll try not to worry about it .

Allt he best , hope you've been alright and yep , kindness, anything else means turmoil within and we don't need more of that right now. l'm pretty sure she valued what you had and valued you. We can value and appreciate every morsel but still sadly just be in wrong place for it at the time.

Take care.

rx

Hello Jt and RX, you are right, your life can't be controlled by whether or not you are going to get a reply, if you hold back then it's only going to make you stall and not achieve anything, you both have many other activities, issues that need your full attention and none of these are determined by whether you get a reply, but know that the outcomes may be associated if you get a positive reply, but if it's negative, then we don't want you to fall backwards, so try and hold yourself together.

You are both important and relationships come and go, no matter how much you're in love, there's always someone else around the corner with lots of surprises.

Take care.

Geoff.

Thanks for that Geoff.

Yep plenty else going on and even with lock downs l still work and do all my normal stuff around the place so plenty to keep the mind occupied.

Hope your holding up ok.

All the best

rx

Hi Everyone,

I've been thinking about the phrase 'time heals all wounds' and thought this was the place to post these thoughts as I feel this relates to 'lost and in love'. I hope I'm not barging in or anything.

I've decided that time doesn't really heal, you just learn to live with it - kind of like you stuff it into a corner and after it's been sitting there for long enough, you mostly stop noticing it - until you occasionally get a glimpse and are reminded. But it's still there. It doesn't go away. Ah, I just realised as I was typing that maybe once you've got time and are up to it, you sort through it, keep what you want and throw out the the rest. I'm obviously not there yet!

I'm now fifteen months in to having been very suddenly 'dumped' and left for somebody else. It's interesting. I can honestly say that I don't love her anymore, don't want to be her friend and only really miss her occasionally. I don't think the 'her' I do miss even really exists anymore after everything. My main problem is the rejection. Feeling rejected, having been rejected - and dealing with how that makes me feel and trying to find a way to get past it. It consumes my thoughts sometimes and I 'loop' over the things she said and did. I've followed advice given to me here and it has definitely helped - still a work in progress I guess.

She texts me every 4 to 6 weeks with a fairly meaningless text about the small business we share (I'm now totally 'hands-off'), I reply politely and then that's it for another 4 to 6 weeks. I have not initiated contact since February. I think she is checking in on me.

Anyway, my current thoughts on 'lost and in love'. I expect they might change. I'm kind of thinking out loud and appreciate the BB community for listening.

WaterFront

Hello WaterFront, always so pleased to have you.

Time may not heal wounds, because learning to live through the pain of an experience is important to re-establish balance in your life, but can come in different stages of your life but with rejection that really hurts more than anything else, especially if you once felt a love for this person.

Is it possible to sell your share to her or to another person because this is only keeping the two of you connected, which may or may not be something you had intended to do, and if for some reason you stay in the business, then other problems may come arising which you don't want to know about?

Take care.

Geoff.

Heya Waterfront,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Sorry to hear about what you've been through and how you're feeling at the moment. Yeah not all wounds can be healed completely by time itself. I feel sometimes these wounds would take a lot of self-discovery to figure out why you are hurting so much. But because of our everyday lives that we have to live, we might not have the time or capacity to process these wounds, or the answers that we seek are yet to be revealed. So we learn to adapt to it, and carry on with us until we have the time and capacity to work on it. The longer we drag it along with us, the more miserable we may feel.

It's up to ourselves to heal our own wounds at the end of the day. Our happiness is our own responsibility. I find talking about your feelings helps a lot with figuring things out. So if you'd like someone to listen, I'd be happy to, along with the many supportive and friendly BB Forum members too.

Jt

l must admit WF , if l were in that situation l'd get out of it myself l agree with Geoff , is there a way you can get out of it start fresh. ?

As for time , l dunno , if you look at things you've said regarding her and the situation now, time , or something , is def' doing it's thing , so don't forget to give yourself some credit and a pat on the back eh. You've made huge progress there. As far as what's best, to me there's no one way for everyone but in knowing yourself and being true to yourself, you will find and know what best suits you no need it's all there , go with you.

All the best

tx

Just on the letter situation, if l'm feeling things correctly l'm pretty sure she is still at that address and got it. But l don't think now l will hear from her anytime soon. l think she's tired and all with the water under the bridge for now she's just gonna let things lie.

l'm kind of relieved though bc as it turned out in the meantime since with everything else going on, it'd be too much hearing from her after all this time right now. l'm glad she;ll know now though what l've wanted her to know all these yrs and will hopefully understand.

rx.

Hello RX, there could be a chance she has moved on and if so the letter will be returned back to you, with your address on the back of the letter, then you'll know you have tried.

If at all she wanted you to know her new address she would have told you, perhaps 'it's time to let sleeping dogs lie' as they say.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff , and thanks as always for the thoughts.

Your right and l could be totally wrong , maybe she's moved and hasn't even got it in the first place. lf it is returned it'll be due to back here any day now l'd say so on that one we'll see l suppose.

But yeah , which ever way it went l agree and it is time l feel that now too.

rx

Hello RX, there's a song sung by Andy Williams, Frank Sinatra, Elvis and many others, it might bring a tear to your eye but it's a beautiful song 'The Impossible Dream', I love listening to it and hope it doesn't make you too upset.

My best thoughts.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff . Sounds like a beautiful song with that title.

Hi jt , you sound like your making great progress , don't forget to give yourself some credit eh.

My letter situation , it's been such a crazy full on few mths for me l lost track so l've just read back a bit here. lt's only actually 3 -4 wks max since l sent it l thought it was a lot longer than that. lt takes 10 days ea way alone just to get there and back even if there is gonna be a reply or it's returned. And she'd need at least a few wks, maybe mths, after these yrs to think about it so l'm afraid l'm back to feeling a touch jumpy again , she could still very easily reply or pop up at some time yet, it could even be mths away.

rx

Hello RX, you don't know what's going to happen and if you predict what might happen, then you are only going to worry more, if a reply happens then so be it, but hoping and wishing isn't going to make you feel more at ease, and if you can carry on as usual, then may be a reply will come.

The more you hope and the more you wish are only going to create problems for you, let it go, then you might get one back, it's just like hoping to win tattslotto, the more you wish the less chance you have.

Take care, my friend.

Geoff.

Thanks for that Geoff.

But nah you misunderstand sorry.

lt's not hoping and wishing , l don't hope and wish , that's nothing to do with why l was a bit stressed. Actually l don't really care if l hear back of not at this stage as far as we go. lt's too long for me now , too many things have happened , and with covid and the way Australias acting , she couldn't even get into the damn country even if we did decide for another 12 mths yet - so even on that one angle , too much has happened. But then there's my situation with my gf now , which is no where near settled and won't be at least 6mths yet.

So nope , def no hoping and wishing. What it is though as l said in another post , is the stress of it if l did happen to hear from her. That's why l'm on edge.

Bc if l do hear from her it will be very heavy and vert emotional , and l really just do not need more of that right now.

rx

Hello RX, I'm very sorry for misinterpreting your comment, my utmost apologies.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff and ahh no worries

lt's not easy to explain our feelings on paper and l've probably confused all that at different times too. Feelings also bounce around a lot, more confusion .

Hope your having a nice wkend , all the best

rx

Hey rx

No matter what happens with the possible response from your letter, you're going to be OK. Just know that.

What you're going through with GF atm and now this other stuff too, is pretty anxiety provoking.

I hope you can find things to do that GROUND you.

Papa Brush Turkey UPDATE lol... these dedicated prospective fathers have scraped SO much of my back yard down to their nests that I'm now finding RELICS from long ago - before OUR time - in my garden! lol little archaeologists that they are.

Grounding.

My lost in love sitch is that I can barely stand to speak with my Fiancee atm.
I think I'll scream if I have to hear about such TRIVIAL stuff that changes nothing for anyone for one second longer.
Being an American he doesn't get anything I say. Keeps telling me to "go get" this or that from way outside my 5km and I'm not leaving home for ANY reasons other than vitally necessary pffft.
I hate repeating for the last over 2 months....."because we're in LOCK DOWN".
I'm just getting angry with him after our calls.

Not worth it for my own MH atm.
I need a break from talking with him and disappear into my wonderland garden.

My whole family are now in quarantine after one child worked at a place where a diagnosed case visited for 20 mins that day.

He wants to "be with me" & "hold my hand" during this time but I can't.
He's just way too removed and has no possible understanding of what we're going through here, no matter how detailed I explain things AND no matter how many sirens or helicopters he hears - in fact he's laughed when he hears them.
I find this reaction insulting tbh.

Yet another divide in an already massive divide in this LDR.

EMxxxx

Heya RX,

Perhaps, you can take some time to feel and understand what it is that you're stressed about the possibility of your ex contacting you. Uncover the emotions from that stress, and see what can be done so that you can accept it and move on.

I know for certain I'm still not over my ex yet, especially since when I went for my vax shot at a vax hub located near a park that we used to walk a lot in. It was nice reminiscing the past, but I got anxious about what if I come across my ex at the vax hub. My eyes were just scanning around the people in the vax hub, almost as if my empath just went into overdrive. I think I even saw her sister and that triggered a whole bag of mixed thoughts of what ifs. It was stressful, and kinda put me in danger on the road cuz it was hard to focus driving while having all these thoughts in my head.

It's certainly hard to get over someone who we once loved, who currently cannot (or does not want) to reciprocate our love to them. We try our best to detach those feelings and emotions from the pain, but just a simple thought of "what if" can send us spiralling into our thoughts again. Even when we feel logically we're no longer thinking about them, but our emotions says otherwise. The healing journey is a long one, and there's no telling when we'll be out of it, or will we ever be. Some things will remain in us forever till our grave, and we'll just have to get used to it and keep moving forward. Also lockdown really limits us to our confined space... can't explore what other goodies are out there in this world :(.

Heya Em,

Sorry to hear about the MH Stress that's coming from your fiancee. I'm curious to know, what are your thoughts about him when he laughs at your explanation, other than "insulting"? My apologies as I do not have a background of your story, and am willing to listen and understand your point of view more.

Jt

Hi jt .

Thanks mate. But no need l already know , and all of the above my friend , of course. l explained here l think it was, sorry if l didn't but l think it was here, what we were , and that stuff doesn't just go away.

But ahh man , of course your not over her , in just a few mths ? lf it was truly love man you may never be over her even when you've moved on as in a bit say with my situation now. But your doing well , soldier on man.

Hiya em, you've certainly got your hands full , so sorry it must all be pushing and stretching you past max and on top of everything else, many hugs .

And nah sorry, but Americans couldn't even comprehend Australian nannyism in all this. Last l spoke to my mate in Florida, in the middle of them getting 50,000 cases a day in Florida alone at the time, he's still working and living pretty well life as normal partying, clubs, his only worry was just trying to get to Arabia to see his gf. And even then getting out of the US wasn't the problem he could just jump on a plane and be off at that time. His gripe was he had to quarantine in Arabia 7days and pay for the hotel, he couldn't get his head around that one, he was trying to get his gf to pay for it. Saw a Florida report just this morning actually , only 15,000 cases a day now, only ! people everywhere , normal life.

Anyway , so sorry for your situation there , very very rough stuff. My best to you and the family for what it's worth.

rx

Hi All,

I have been reading a BB past thread about helpful and unhelpful thinking and have found it really useful. When an unwanted thought pops into my head, I ask - is it helpful to me, is it helping me feel the way I want to feel, is it helping me to stay in the present. If the answer is no, then I thank my mind for the thought and tell it to let the thought slide on by. I'm finding this is really working to help me not dwell on everything.

I am in the process of getting out of the business we shared and thank you all for the really good advice.

WaterFront

Hello WaterFront and everyone else with their comments because this thread was formed for those who wanted to express something a little deeper about love, which may not have been possible on other sections on this site.

With unwanted thoughts that dominate our mind, sometimes people are unable to push away these thoughts because a trigger is all it needs for them to occur and reoccur without much deliberation but they are always harmful to us.

If you can let them slide away and not irritate you, then half the battle has been won and would like to know the business you're getting out of, and please only share if that's what you want to do.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hey jt and hi to others, hugs if wanted

Just reading back on this thread at dawn! What a beautiful sun rise, magical.

My very brief background, in the romance dept anyway lol, is that I've been married a few times. Last marriage was by far the very worst, horrendous abuse etc.
Was formally diagnosed with Complex PTSD last year but told this many years ago by a Psychologist. We kept it quiet during many years of Courts with demon.

Still recovering from those abusive r/ships, also childhood abuse and traumas.

Many things toxic or abusive ppl do is make their victims, via various means, rug sweep, smoke screen, blame shift, ignore, invalidate (etc) their own personal feelings.

It might take me 'a while' but when I realise I've shut my own feelings down (usually to please the other person), I deal with it up front with that person.

And I SHOULD.

I won't say a behaviour is ok when it's really NOT ok.

BF laughing at the sitch here was deeper than insulting. It was disgusting. Made me feel extremely uncared for in that moment and afterwards.
I told him so. He understood and apologised in a very caring and genuine way.

It's taken a long time for us to "get" to this point in our r/ship. We had major mental injuries to overcome from our past marriages.

IMPE healing BEGINS when we feel heard, validated and moreso if we feel we're being understood.

We're hard wired for connection. We need authentic connections with other ppl to heal, grow, move from survival mode to thrival mode lol.

I find the most powerful magical sentence to use in times of difficulty in r/ships when you've got your head around it, is to say "when you did x, y, z, the story I was telling myself was ..... (eg: you didn't care about me etc)". It's worked 100% of the time so far.

When we've been really hurt by a past r/ship ending, we know the depths of our vulnerability and boy it's SCARY.
To invest any parts of ourselves again seems like madness lol.
I felt DONE at the end of my last m. Over done lol!

But with BF I kept my distance lol, observed, had fun, kind of invested a bit here and there but the major investments came from him. We were friends, became best friends and much later we met.

It was so easy to love him when we met. He drives me nuts some times but he's an extremely patient, caring, loving soul and proves his love for me every day.

Hope that fills in a few blanks JT.

Love EMxxxx

WaterFront said:

Hi All,

I have been reading a BB past thread about helpful and unhelpful thinking and have found it really useful. When an unwanted thought pops into my head, I ask - is it helpful to me, is it helping me feel the way I want to feel, is it helping me to stay in the present. If the answer is no, then I thank my mind for the thought and tell it to let the thought slide on by. I'm finding this is really working to help me not dwell on everything.

I am in the process of getting out of the business we shared and thank you all for the really good advice.

WaterFront

Dear waterfront

It's probably best for your healing and moving on from this past GF that you get out of the business.

You already knew this.

In another way it can feel like the last nail in the coffin of any chances of retrieving your r/ship with her.
I think you're knowing enough to see this already.

You did the right thing, holding on as long as you could.
We do need to do this for x long, until we see without any doubts, the writing on the wall.

I truly feel that when we do this ie hold on for XXXXX long, then cut loose, we CAN more readily spring board outta there because we did so much grieving for that r/ship when there was still SOME of the r/ship left.

So here's CHEERS to you dear friend.
Onwards and UPwards as I say.

I hope the path you tread is smooth and the weather as fine as today (here).

"She" is waiting for you. She's out there some where, wishing and hoping to meet YOU too!
Keep the belief going and keep your standards high, matching you.

You need the very best type of lady and she needs you.

Hugs
Love EMxxxx

..

Hiya em, you've certainly got your hands full , so sorry it must all be pushing and stretching you past max and on top of everything else, many hugs .

And nah sorry, but Americans couldn't even comprehend Australian nannyism in all this. Last l spoke to my mate in Florida, in the middle of them getting 50,000 cases a day in Florida alone at the time, he's still working and living pretty well life as normal partying, clubs, his only worry was just trying to get to Arabia to see his gf. And even then getting out of the US wasn't the problem he could just jump on a plane and be off at that time. His gripe was he had to quarantine in Arabia 7days and pay for the hotel, he couldn't get his head around that one, he was trying to get his gf to pay for it. Saw a Florida report just this morning actually , only 15,000 cases a day now, only ! people everywhere , normal life.

Anyway , so sorry for your situation there , very very rough stuff. My best to you and the family for what it's worth.
rx

Hey rx

It's worth a lot having your well wishes, thank you!

Hellish triggers from work this week, passed out instead of having the 'usual C-PTSD triggers' thank God.
My reactions are morphing which I'm grateful for.
Sleep is healing.

I'm hearing you about the LD sitch here.
My friend in Florida lost 2 family members to Covid (incl a cousin in his 20s).
He sold up, moved out country chock full of white ppl, so he stands out big time lol. He's a beautiful 6 foot 6, black American man. This move scared him at times but his neighbours are proving themselves lovely to him thank God.
He's been thru too much there for anything more to happen.

BF is freely flying all over the States for his work.
A Birthday Party this weekend! Ppl still have parties lol.

BF more than redeemed himself this week. Showed up during my worst of times as the valiant, brave, loving man he is. He comes from a family full of steely Engineers lol where emotions weren't attended to, not for the boys in the family. His mother was Italian descent. The girls were allowed to be wildly emotional. That gets me a long way lol!
But he's also been able to talk about his emotions for the first time in his life, which is a powerful bonding experience for us both.

He's very brave.

Love & hugs to you too
EMxxxx

Hey Geoff, JT, rx and waterfront and all others reading

Just wanted to share a general strategy of what's worked for me in dealing with 'intrusive thoughts'.

Over time, using these strategies, I've been able to quieten and effectively "file" these memories where they don't become intrusive any more.

It takes a little while at first but saves my own mind space, over time.

They're strategies I made up from a mix of several Social Workers / Psychs; Brene Brown, Esther Eger & others + my own Trauma Psychs work with me last year incl Exposure Therapy she taught me to do on my own.
My own Counsellor now teaches these to her other clients with great success lol.

SIT with these memories.
Validate your own feelings of hurt, betrayal - whatever comes up.
Cry, scream when appropriate ie not scaring anyone else.
Having a Counsellor or Psych may help.
Talking with someone who has your back REALLY helps.

It may not help in the moment of a trigger or intrusive thought to talk, but a couple of days after can.

I personify each emotion as a big friendly monster like from Where the Wild Things Are story book for children.
So eg when Anxiety wakes up and is in my head, face, jumping up and down, I ATTEND to him. Ask what the problem is - there's always something!
I LISTEN to the anxiety monster telling me whatevs.

Then say THANK YOU.
Thank you for trying to keep me safe. I heard all you had to say, but guess what little monster?

I'm going to do it anyway.

Any internal emotion, even those of betrayal, anger, fury even lol - yeah I had FURY this week and rightly so too, can be attended to, acquiesced, and the memory can be filed.

I HUG that monster (which is similar to self - soothing) until it's asleep.
This is also a very integrating thought pattern. (Preventing splintering / dissociation to a point).

So instead of denying what happened in our past, where I've found those intrusive thoughts WILL come back to haunt me, I VALIDATE them, thank them and quieten them until they are merely a memory.
Not a bossy one, one that is now filed if I want to call upon it at a later time.

I have lots of kids, so choosing specific experiences in my own life, to validate THEIR emotions and experiences is a very powerful growth mindset move - btw they're all doing SO WELL I can barely understand it! I'm so grateful to see this.

Love and hugs to you all
EMxxxx

Hello EM, thanks very much for providing your feedback as I'm certainly unable to match what you've written.

There are various points I'd like to expand on that you've mentioned as they are very important and you've made some very good points.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff,

It's an online business and also conventions which we would do together. With covid, there has only been one convention since and she did it with her new person. That was difficult for me but I got passed it by pretty much ignoring it as much as I could. I thought it was very insensitive tbh. She and I both have other jobs also, so it was only a small, sideline business. I have totally disconnected from it and don't even look at sales, stock etc. anymore. The goal is to close the business.

I have come a long way in the last 15 months and it has been difficult. I know that and am grateful for the support I have received here.

WaterFront