Dear WaterFront, wow just wow... I just feel so sad for you having that all happen and now these awful times you're going through. Hugs.
So for 15y you 2 were best friends? Were either of you in relationships with other people during that time?
(I'm just trying to get my head around it).
Then it turned into a romantic relationship after 15y?
Sorry I feel awful asking you this. I apologise and truly understand if it's too much to go in to.
Hey, every single feeling you wrote about is valid. I can see you trying to "rationalise" your emotions with the comment .."Possibly co-dependent"... you don't have to put labels on yourself about this.
Everything you wrote reminded me of ME when I got an "emergency" appt with a Psych a few days after my D Day.... I spilled my guts out to her and kept asking her WHY did I feel THIS BAD?
Of course my relationship was nothing like yours, we're all totally different ppl an' all...
but what that Psych said next was SO IMPORTANT.... she said (sic) "The depth of your emotions is equal to the investment you had in that relationship".
I mean I had invested EVERY ounce of my entire being, every cent I had ever earned and every moment of every day was spent working my soul to the bone worried about how to "please him" (but lets face it there's no 'pleasing' a narcissistic psychopath - but BOY did I try!).
Goneskis! Gone for me anyway. THANK GOD!
I don't tolerate betrayal of infidelity at all.
SO now after many years still putting my life back together, dealing with C-PTSD and the wake of destruction this demon left in it's path, I know 100% that I can smile knowing that I have the "capacity" to love that deeply.
I CAN give love, dedication, fidelity and hard work to a relationship. I did exactly that but to an undeserving recipient. I won't go that far again but I don't need to with a normal person, whom I am engaged to now.
I also know 100% that demon does NOT have the capacity to love, only to use and manipulate for it's own self serving purposes.
I won't tell you to go out and get another partner. It's not a good idea as you deal with all of this.
I WILL say that there IS someone, possibly just as hurt from their past, Praying that someone like you exists.
And I'm grateful you do.
We don't need someone exactly like us lol, but it's awesome when you meet someone who matches your commitment.
Best wishes to you, talk away as much as you want to! It's a very healing thing to do.