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by DeadInside
4 hours ago
Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers)

Space for sharing tips on supporting a partner, family member or friend with a mental health condition, and seeking support for your own wellbeing with other carers.

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by Mark Z.
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Grief and loss

Support following the bereavement of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

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by Dean Dharug
10 hours ago

Topic: Feeling lost and in love, tell us your reasons.

  1. geoff
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    16454 posts
    16 October 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX, well yes I did lose friends because they didn't know how to handle it.

    Going into the pub, my ex and I were talking about this the other night and life would have been completely different and going into the hotel business was not something I wanted to do, my self employed business in Melb was going well so I didn't want to leave, but was talked into it, so it changed our whole direction in life with good and bad consequences.

    Take care my friend.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Andre_P
    Andre_P avatar
    95 posts
    16 October 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hey Geoff been a long time man - hope ya doing well brother.

    I think it’s because animals give unconditional love and there is no chance (well very little) of rejection hence forth why we give out soo much more to animals than ppl.

    anyway just my opinion.

    chat soon bro :)

    2 people found this helpful
  3. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    17 October 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff.

    Yeah right it's amazing isn't it how we can do something so huge yet maybe against what we'd probably otherwise had chosen.

    The sort of thing l was referring to in my case too only it was a property that we wound up taking on , it changed everything but what's done is done l suppose like you say.

    Nice to hear you and ex are still in touch.

    You too and thanks as always.

    rx

  4. geoff
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    18 October 2021 in reply to Andre_P

    Hello Andre_P, you're right, even if for some reason we reprimand our dog, they still come back, but with my puppie just a look she knows, but the love is always there without any doubt.

    Hi RX, you too are right, the farm we bought needed so much work, the only thing that convinced me was the enormous view we had after I trimmed all the gum trees, then to gut the whole house I really enjoyed and more so, did the family.

    Best wishes to both of you.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    18 October 2021 in reply to geoff

    Would've loved to have seen it Geoff , and l'm a sucker for a nice view.

    Just to anyone around at the time and on another note about the letter l sent of to ex awhile back.

    l found out last night she's moved 1/2 way cross the country long before l sent it . So depending on the terms she left the last place on , no idea as to whether they've forwarded it to her or not . But if she left on bad terms, which l always had a feeling that place wouldn't end well, they might've thrown it in the trash instead but who really knows.

    The person that told me she moved , doesn't know why she moved or if she's with someone or not, ex was always extremely private. But the really weird part is , they had a couple of recent pics of ex , they'd last seen her 6 mths ago and wow , l wouldn't know ex on the street these days if l tripped over her she looks sooooo different.

    Not so much aged as such in the normal way she hasn't at all really , but her face has changed a lot and she physically just looks really really different. She'd be 50ish now. like her skins still perfect really and her weight , she works out a lot it wasn't really that sort of thing, she just looked totally different. You know l tend to be attracted to the personality within the look and honestly l felt looking at her now l'm just looking at a different person l couldn't really imagine even being with.

    So strange how things and people , life , change isn't it, and so fast sometimes. She probably is still the same person though maybe it was just the look on the day l don't know. But she was becoming more and more vegan and very very fanatical so l dunno , she looked really hard.

    Anyway. lt was a wake up call. l mean she has my address, ph no , our chat app, my email , l'm thinking l don't even get a forwarding add when she moves 1/2 way across the country , what's the point in even writing anyway. Soooo, whether she got it or not don't know but all things considered l'm going to let it go.

    rx

  6. geoff
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    19 October 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX, I'm sorry that she has moved but you have done everything possible to get in contact with her, you'll never know what happened to the letter, the intent may have been to redirect it, but know that this could have been procrastinated and left on the bench, so you will never know, unfortunately.

    Maybe you need to let it go, if she wants to get in touch, then she will, you have tried your best but weren't to know whether or not she has moved somewhere else.

    A photo of the view has no comparison to actually seeing it, something magic and I really miss it.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    19 October 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff.

    Yeah def' , the friend said do you want the address she won't mind , l'm thinking well why didn't she send it to me , you know. But l took it anyway , l won't send anything though , def' time to let it go now in this case.

    Still can't believe those pictures though. l mean it wasn't about getting back together , mainly an apology but things and scenario's still do float around in your head nonetheless. But man she looked so different and stern , it brought back all the memory of her fanatical veganism which is all about animal cruelty and and the farming these days you know.She built a website about it all and everything so living with her and all that was tbh pretty hard , even down to, especially actually , what was in the fridge or anything we ate and she was getting worse and worse. l dunno , so those photos, maybe bc l know her so well but l could see the extreme she was heading for and it was all over her mannerism and look in those pics. TBh l was kinda grateful after looking at them and it all coming back , that we didn't work out anyway nc she'd be 5x worse now.

    ps , my place here has beautiful views out front yeah l've tried to capture 100 times in photos but they never look as good.

    take care eh and l hope things are ok.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  8. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    105 posts
    30 October 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi All,

    I'm calling this post 'Lost and not in love'. Here I am one and a half years after it all happened. She is still very happily with her new person, with her new life, and not giving a single thought to me. I have days where I can make myself not think about it too much by keeping busy, and when I do that it then hits me all at once and I fall down the 'rabbit hole' of feeling really upset and ruminating for a day or a week. I am trying my hardest to move on. I really am. Please don't tell me I'll find someone else as I am totally not interested.

    I've just spent the last hour blocking and unblocking her on my phone, trying to decide what would be best for me in terms of getting over it. This episode was because I happened to hear about her Christmas plans from a third party - I didn't go looking for the information. (She still texts me - though less frequently than before - about every six or seven weeks - I never text her) and usually because she wants something. She pretends she is interested or cares and then goes 'Also -' which is usually the thing she wants and the rest was a pretext building up to it (a pattern she seems to have).

    I find random things remind me all the time and I can't seem to avoid them. Something I'm watching, doing, conversations, etc. We were very close for a very long time and then very suddenly we were not. Possibly co-dependent. We texted and talked on the phone every day for 20 years when we were not able to be together - in the last 5 years our friendship changed to a physically intimate one. Then, she met someone new and just left me, practically overnight, and really couldn't understand why it was so difficult for me. She just wanted us to go back to being friends as if nothing more had ever happened between us.

    I know I just need to let time help me feel better but I really wish it would hurry itself up. I've decided to wait until the new year and block her then - make a fresh start for 2022 - get through her birthday, Christmas, New Year and so on.

    I don't have anyone I can talk to about this so I am glad I have the BB community as a place where I can work through my thoughts and have kind and caring people listen. Just writing this post has made me feel a little better. Getting it off my chest I suppose. Thank you all.

    WF

    3 people found this helpful
  9. ecomama
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    30 October 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Dear WaterFront, wow just wow... I just feel so sad for you having that all happen and now these awful times you're going through. Hugs.

    So for 15y you 2 were best friends? Were either of you in relationships with other people during that time?

    (I'm just trying to get my head around it).

    Then it turned into a romantic relationship after 15y?
    Sorry I feel awful asking you this. I apologise and truly understand if it's too much to go in to.

    Hey, every single feeling you wrote about is valid. I can see you trying to "rationalise" your emotions with the comment .."Possibly co-dependent"... you don't have to put labels on yourself about this.
    Everything you wrote reminded me of ME when I got an "emergency" appt with a Psych a few days after my D Day.... I spilled my guts out to her and kept asking her WHY did I feel THIS BAD?

    Of course my relationship was nothing like yours, we're all totally different ppl an' all...

    but what that Psych said next was SO IMPORTANT.... she said (sic) "The depth of your emotions is equal to the investment you had in that relationship".
    I mean I had invested EVERY ounce of my entire being, every cent I had ever earned and every moment of every day was spent working my soul to the bone worried about how to "please him" (but lets face it there's no 'pleasing' a narcissistic psychopath - but BOY did I try!).

    Goneskis! Gone for me anyway. THANK GOD!
    I don't tolerate betrayal of infidelity at all.

    SO now after many years still putting my life back together, dealing with C-PTSD and the wake of destruction this demon left in it's path, I know 100% that I can smile knowing that I have the "capacity" to love that deeply.

    I CAN give love, dedication, fidelity and hard work to a relationship. I did exactly that but to an undeserving recipient. I won't go that far again but I don't need to with a normal person, whom I am engaged to now.

    I also know 100% that demon does NOT have the capacity to love, only to use and manipulate for it's own self serving purposes.

    I won't tell you to go out and get another partner. It's not a good idea as you deal with all of this.

    I WILL say that there IS someone, possibly just as hurt from their past, Praying that someone like you exists.
    And I'm grateful you do.

    We don't need someone exactly like us lol, but it's awesome when you meet someone who matches your commitment.

    Best wishes to you, talk away as much as you want to! It's a very healing thing to do.

    Love EMxxxx

    2 people found this helpful
  10. geoff
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    31 October 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX, you often think about 'in hindsight and should what have been', and yes I do it and also do it with my ex but those times are only what we had hoped life would have been like, we never take into account any negatives because we don't know any and guessing isn't really appropriate because they may not have happened.

    We can only speculate what has happened and wonder whether or not things might have changed, but then we're only guessing, people, change as they grow older and what we liked about them, they may no longer do.

    Hi WF, if she only texts you on the pretence to see how you are going, but then wants something from you, then her concern is not genuine, it's a way to use you, and if this was me, then I'd be blocking her because if you don't then you may get excited about hearing from her, only to find out it's not that at all, she wants to use you.

    I can't tell you what to do, but if you wait until after her birthday, Xmas etc she may be waiting until you send a present, so you are prolonging your decision, because what's going to happen next year and the year after, you were very close but she now has a new partner, let yourself move on, otherwise, the same may happen in 10 years time.

    Any experiences that remind you of her, doesn't mean much because she is not with you anymore and could be doing other things with her new partner.

    Begin to love yourself, that will give you the chance to find someone else you can love.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    3 people found this helpful
  11. geoff
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    31 October 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hello EM, you're right the demon won't sustain any relationship and can open the door for the black dog.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  12. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    105 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Em and Geoff,

    Thank you for your replies. Your kind words and considered advice really do help and I have been thinking about what you have both said in response to my post. Yes, it turned into a romantic relationship after 15 years and then continued for another 5 years until she me this new person (There was a two week crossover before she told me - I think she was making sure it would work out before she ended it with me). Though, in hindsight, I think for me it was serious and for her it was a friends with benefits thing until she found someone else. She didn't tell me that though - wish she had. I did battle with deep depression for months afterwards - something that I had never experienced before. Now, I am just sad at what has been lost and I dwell (try not to). I find it really hard to deal with the fact that she no longer cares about me and that she is able to switch it off so easily. I understand what you are saying Geoff about moving on and agree. I just need a little more time to actually do it though I know it is the right decision. It's weird, when I was still attempting to talk to her last year, she would just ignore me and not reply or answer, and yet when she texts me now, I respond because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I guess that makes me a bit of a mug.

    Thanks for listening. It helps.

    WF

    2 people found this helpful
  13. ecomama
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    31 October 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hey WF, that sucks big time. No other way to put it really.

    One reason I asked if either of you were in other r/ships during those 15y is that if someone IS and doing this kind of thing, it seems to me they're keeping pots going on the back burner. Just warming them up to jump in to another r/ship when that one ends.

    Kind of a trait that exists in some people. You kind of answered my instincts about her by your response.

    Yep agree with Geoff. Block all the way. You know now that she's merely using you and has shown by her behaviours that she doesn't care.
    The 180 Strategy is a great tool to help you close off and move on. You can search this strategy online and it goes a LONG way to turning your focus on to YOU. Looking after yourself. It's great.
    Instigating the "Gray Rock" is awesome too.

    There's an awesome "Nation" to read up on, started by Chumplady. You can search her too and the things she writes about will make you laugh till your socks fall off! People who are betrayed in that nation are called "chumps" (not mugs lol).

    I thank God I had the support of another forum during this time for me. This is where I found all these strategies & sites, then USED them lol.

    I wouldn't be hasty to jump in to another relationship but to build all the networks of friendships around you and reconnect with family you like. Hugs!

    Hey rx, previous relationships ended for a reason. We can look at them through rose coloured glasses all we like but especially if WE ended them, well there were good reasons for that.

    If THEY ended the r/ship, well it's done like a dinner right there! If the relationship was important enough for us then we'd already have worked on resolving issues but if it wasn't that important then there's your answer too.

    The older we get, the more experiences we accumulate and the more chance of pondering or regret to be creeping in.

    If regret turns in to "rumination" then we need some help to get out of that. Either from ourselves or others.
    Hugs!

    Love EMxxxx

    2 people found this helpful
  14. ecomama
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    31 October 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hey Geoff, oh you betcha depression was a biggie for me back then! Horrible. So lucky to have survived.

    Depression creeps back in at times but I'm pretty happy with what I'm able to do with my life in the current sitch.
    I'm a billion % GRATEFUL that God awful marriage ended. If it didn't, things would've become far worse. That was the ONLY direction it could go with a psychopathic narc.

    We escaped and are moving from survival to thrival lol. For me it will be a life long recovery effort but I have beautiful, fun and creative things to look forward to of my own creation, so things are better than I could ever have imagined.

    When I sealed shut one door as tightly as I possibly could, then the whole world opened up for me and the kids.
    Even during months of lock down, we were all FAR more free than we ever were with demon in our lives.

    So grateful.

    Love EMxxxx

    1 person found this helpful
  15. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff and yeah very true.

    ln many ways the writing was on the wall with her back then , l knew she'd move to the more extreme if not for me not being Vegan. That was a worry even with me in that if she got any worse l wouldn't of been able to live with it so no surprises really tbh.

    But yeah people change , oddly my brother and l were just talking about that yesterday actually and yeah , we can only speculate hat might've or might not have been. Not healthy getting too caught up in the what if's though is it eh.

    High WF . Very sorry about how things transpired but sorry to say yeah , l agree with others. Sadly it wasn't as real for her and she was lining up her next monkey branch l'm afraid. We need to see the signs of real love before allowing real love within ourselve's unfortunately but true signs can be quite allusive with some people can't they. Sometimes on purpose bc they know damn well they aren't for real , or sometimes moreso legit but in fear and self preservation. On the bright side thankfully true colours came out before marriage and kids or being in any deeper and you'll be free to find true and worthy love in the future sometime now right. You might be amazed at just what lies around the next corner , no matter how your feeling today.

    Good luck.

    rx

    2 people found this helpful
  16. geoff
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    2 November 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello EM, WF, RX and everyone else, I understand what has been said, because it's been happening to someone I know, where the same has been done and has been hiding money away, it's believed, for who knows for how long, and now the longer this goes on, the more is found out.

    It's upsetting to know.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  17. jtjt_4862
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    4 November 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hiya WF,

    I'm really sorry to hear about what has happened. I'm in some way similar to you, where the person whom I once loved, no longer shows any signs of care. Even till today, it still hurts thinking about it, but I can assure you the pain will subside, and eventually what feels like a stab, will feel like a small nudge. Perhaps each time you see her text, it brings back the pain and makes healing difficult for you. This is when you have to learn to love yourself, and put yourself first before her (and anyone else). If her text is bringing the pain back up to you, let her know that you need space and block her. Whether your actions will hurt her feelings or not, that's for her to manage (and given how quickly she has moved on, it is most likely she'll understand your point of view, and respect it). What you need to manage is yourself, and it sounds like you could use the space from her to heal. There's no time limit for grief, it comes and goes at really random times, so take as much time as you need to heal thru my friend.

    Jt

    3 people found this helpful
  18. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    105 posts
    5 November 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi Jt,

    Thanks for the words of encouragement. I know I have to block her for my own wellbeing and am just delaying the inevitable. Her messages do bring those feeling up more strongly though each day she chooses not to talk to me also really hurts. (We talked everyday for 20 years). It's also affecting my relationship with my phone as I avoid it as much as possible (which isn't really possible) and when I do check it am somewhat disappointed that there is no message from her. By blocking her, I feel I can get on with it much better and not have to deal with the daily disappointment of her not connecting and the even stronger pain when she does. I think that's one of those 'rock and a hard place' situations. Which I know would be solved by blocking her!

    Hi Geoff,

    Yes, there was a joint account that she cleaned out (not too much money - more that she would do that). You think you really know someone and then it turns out you don't.

    Thank you all for your support and listening while I work my way through all of this.

    WF

  19. geoff
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    6 November 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hello WF, I think that's what does give us a shock when you're married or have been in a relationship for a long time and you find out that your spouse/partner has been cheating on you financially, this is exactly the situation I was describing when a very close friend is going through divorce, where the spouse had been putting money a way each week and now they are separated, many items have been purchased.

    A disappointing outcome.

    Geoff.

  20. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    105 posts
    6 November 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    I'm sorry that has happened to your friend. Those added deceits and acts of disregard just put another layer of hurt on top of what is already an incredibly difficult process and situation. I guess you have to tell yourself that this is saying more about the person who has done these things. Showing you who they are.

    I'm sure you will be there to help support your friend through this.

    WF

  21. TunnelVision
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    18 posts
    13 November 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    My goodness, WaterFront. You've been through a lot. As others said, it sounds like you are trying to rationalise things, and you said that for her perhaps it was a FWB thing but more serious than you. But you had a joint account. FWB's don't do that.

    It sounds to me like you deserve much, much more than she was prepared or able to offer, and I hope one day that you find it.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. geoff
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    13 November 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hello WF, and thanks TunnelVision, telling this person that his marriage will suffer didn't mean anything to him, all he wanted was to have his fun, now he lives apart from his de facto, but has another person from o/s living with him.

    The same situation will happen once again and in the long run, he is the one who is going to lose,but it's impossible to tell him.

    Geoff.

  23. WaterFront
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    105 posts
    13 November 2021 in reply to TunnelVision

    Hi TunnelVision,

    Thank you for acknowledging that I have been through a lot. I feel like I have and it makes me feel a little better to hear that being validated and acknowledged, receiving some words of support. I have discovered this 'hide alerts' function on my phone which allows you to not be notified of messages etc. from individual people. I'm doing this instead of blocking her. As soon as I did it, I felt like a weight was lifted and able to not have to avoid my phone (then more able to communicate with other people in my life). I'm going with that for the moment.

    Thanks TunnelVision. Your words have helped.

    WF

  24. WaterFront
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    105 posts
    13 November 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    Unfortunately, people won't listen when they don't want to hear. The best you can hope for is that they learn from their actions and do better the next time and if they haven't worn you out, be there to help pick up the pieces.

    WF

  25. geoff
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    5 December 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hello WF, I'm sorry I haven't been on this important thread and for missing your comment, and yes he has learnt his lesson and tells me he hopes it never happens again and keep a watchful eye on the finances.

    What is most disappointing is that his wife has been doing all of this without him knowing and when you love a person this shouldn't be the case, especially if you were meant to trust your spouse and have a joint account, you naturally believe that everything would be honest.

    The trouble is, once a person has done this a couple of times, once before they married and then after, they have the urge to keep doing it and will eventually be caught out.

    True love doesn't work like this.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  26. randomx
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    3349 posts
    21 January 2022 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff.

    Thought l'd drop in and let you know a strange thing happened last wk. That letter l ended up sending to ex, heard nothing back for mths and mths and had pretty well figured well that is that but at lest she knows now what l'd been wanting to say.

    Well , it turned up right her in my letter box last wk, after all this time, returned and un opened. l found out later on she'd moved again and across the country , 6mth before l'd sent that.She mustn't have left a forwarding address , maybe she left on bad terms don't know. But it had stamps on it from where it had been and none of them were even in the same state to where she lives now so she just didn't get it after all that.

    Not meant to be. But it was strange though , to feel this letter again knowing it had been all over the US and to her old house , and now back her to Vic Aus again.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  27. geoff
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    21 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX, this must be disappointing for you, I'm sorry, but at least after all the thought, you had put into the letter, now it's back in your hands.

    Are you going to keep searching for her or finally give up.

    There was a letter found in a bottle just recently at the seashore from years ago, maybe you could do the same and see what happens.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  28. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    22 January 2022 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff.

    You know what , it was actually a relief. A few wks after l'd sent it l started thinking about what l'd said and just not feeling right about it all. As hard as l'd tried to say the stuff l'd been wanting to say for 2yrs, l just felt like l did it all wrong and that she'd probably just take it all the wrong way anyway bc it still just hadn't come out right .

    But nah , l won't bother again. l do have her new address now actually but the other thing l got to thinking about was that in all this time she hasn't popped up again. Hasn't come back onto whatsapp to talk to me, hasn't sent me a letter , moved across the country without telling me, didn't return my call earlier, she's making a new life. Soooo, best just leave it all be l think anyway now.

    Messages in a bottle are a beautifully romantic thought aren't they .

    Hope your doing ok.

    rx

  29. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    22 January 2022
    Hi rx sorry I've not caught up fully but have read back a little and I think it's really cool u tried to send Ur ex a letter.
    1 person found this helpful
  30. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    22 January 2022 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hiya sleep and thanks for that.

    l suppose it might have been , l'm really not sure butttt, l tried yeah.

    On my part not much to catch up on here though sorry, this was just an ex thing that's troubled me for yrs. My real love life is over in my thread , living alone , butttt, things aren't looking good with that either now due to her legal problems, can't win it seems.

    Hope your ok.

    rx

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